Staying together for the kids...?

[DZoolander]

So I've got this old buddy that I grew up with...have known him since I was in the 4th or 5th grade. We went our separate ways after HS (him military/me college). Over the years we've gotten together a few times - and recently have started to reconnect more over FB.

Today I was catching up a bit with his wife and she was telling me about their oldest daughter - who a few years back got pregnant by some guy and had a son with him (on a side note, it's pretty trippy that I've got friends that are now grandparents with grandchildren the same age as my own "first" children...but that's neither here nor there).

Well, they haven't ever gotten married, and I gathered from the conversation that the daughter and the "son in law" were now living with them. I also gathered she wasn't all too pleased about it.

Apparently the guy is just a loser. No job...no interest in getting a job (at least no attempts made)... He just sits up in their house watching movies and playing xbox in the room they're using.

If that wasn't bad enough - apparently this guy has propositioned their other underage daughters - and my buddy's wife ("Hey, we can do it in the van. Nobody would ever know)...but always plays it off like "just kidding!" "Can't you take a joke?" blah blah.

Needless to say I'm pretty incredulous at this. I don't even know how they allow the schmo to stay in the house...because if it were me...his butt would've been kicked to the curb (both literally on the butt kicking - and figuratively to the curb).

When I asked what the daughter's bizarre attachment to the guy was - was it simply that he's her kid's father...that's apparently what it is. She doesn't want her son to have a "broken home."

Now - I backed out of the convo at that point - because it really isn't my business. But - gotta say - I'm aching to ask my buddy "what the heck?"

Would you?

 

[Autumnleaf]

I would, but then if you asked my friends what I would say about that situation they would probably smile knowingly.

I'd kick him and my daughter out. The kid could stay with me if they wanted until they found a safe place to stay. But no, no losers without jobs sponging off of me and mine. I spent 18 years teaching her not to be like that and if she chooses to be like that then she needs to go where people like that live because they don't live at my house.

 

[Avniel]

I would I think based on statistics it is important for children to have connections with their parents.

 

[ValleyGal]

I might not have a problem with the extra person...under the conditions of my rules. This couple has formed their own family, so they should all be out in their own home, imo. But since they are just starting out, I might be inclined to help by saying they could stay there for up to 6 months on the condition they are both out either working or actively looking for work, and I'd hold them accountable to it at the end of the day by asking them what they did all day to look for work and their own place to live. I'd also have them both doing the chores and paying their portion of things like hydro, gas, food (maybe not rent, if they are saving for their own place, but I'd be asking rent if they are not looking for their own place). Iow, I'd be putting some solid boundaries on what I allow in my home.

That is the advice I would give if it were my friend going through it. And yes, I would give it to a long-time friend or someone I know well. If your relationship with your friend is distant, though, I might not say it unless they ask.

 

[DZoolander]

Interesting how the dude propositioning my friend's other underage daughters and his wife doesn't seem to fall into anyone's equations here.

 

[DZoolander]

No doubt.

If it were me, and why I'm reluctant to put my nose into it, I'd say "father or no father of the kid - you're outta here dirtbag."

 

[Inkachu]

So I've got this old buddy that I grew up with...have known him since I was in the 4th or 5th grade. We went our separate ways after HS (him military/me college). Over the years we've gotten together a few times - and recently have started to reconnect more over FB.

Today I was catching up a bit with his wife and she was telling me about their oldest daughter - who a few years back got pregnant by some guy and had a son with him (on a side note, it's pretty trippy that I've got friends that are now grandparents with grandchildren the same age as my own "first" children...but that's neither here nor there).

Well, they haven't ever gotten married, and I gathered from the conversation that the daughter and the "son in law" were now living with them. I also gathered she wasn't all too pleased about it.

Apparently the guy is just a loser. No job...no interest in getting a job (at least no attempts made)... He just sits up in their house watching movies and playing xbox in the room they're using.

If that wasn't bad enough - apparently this guy has propositioned their other underage daughters - and my buddy's wife ("Hey, we can do it in the van. Nobody would ever know)...but always plays it off like "just kidding!" "Can't you take a joke?" blah blah.

Needless to say I'm pretty incredulous at this. I don't even know how they allow the schmo to stay in the house...because if it were me...his butt would've been kicked to the curb (both literally on the butt kicking - and figuratively to the curb).

When I asked what the daughter's bizarre attachment to the guy was - was it simply that he's her kid's father...that's apparently what it is. She doesn't want her son to have a "broken home."

Now - I backed out of the convo at that point - because it really isn't my business. But - gotta say - I'm aching to ask my buddy "what the heck?"

Would you?

Your friend needs to grow some backbone, and his daughter needs a firm smack in the head.

This disgusting loser needs to hit the road.

The daughter needs someone to educate her on the fact that a child growing up without a pathetic loser for a father, even if you wanna call it a "broken home" (which it isn't), is better off than one growing up with one. She needs to look at what this man is representing to her child. What is his example teaching their child? Nothing good from your description, that's for sure. Better to have no male influence than a horrible one.

At this point, though, since you said the child is already a few years old, and this relationship has been going on for a while, it's not likely that anything's going to change. I doubt the guy is going to walk away quietly, and trying to force him out would only stir up drama and custody battles.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I see red flags all over the place. That guy needs to be out on his ear. Her with him, if she so chooses.

And the propositioning others, yeah, that's not going to fly. I mentally react very strongly to it because things like that are signs that I missed in my own life. My first adult relationship, when I was 18, was with a man 28 years old, who had his own place but was on disability for alcoholism. They used to do that back then, and he didn't even have a designated payee. Guess what he spent his monthly check on? But the fact that he paid his rent and utilities first before drinking away the rest of it, then selling his (paper in those days) food stamps to his friends for more drinking money, made him just SO responsible in his own eyes. "Hey, look at me, I have a roof over my head, and that means I'm not a complete bum." Well, he wasn't far from it. But I moved in with him simply because I was 18, and nobody could forbid me.

And somehow, even when he told me in confidence, and I'll translate it tactfully, "If your mother told me she was interested in me, I wouldn't turn her down," I didn't see this as a major problem? Just mildly boorish, at best? Sad.

So yeah, that's why I can see red flags now. I've learned what they look like.

 

[LinkH]

Interesting how the dude propositioning my friend's other underage daughters and his wife doesn't seem to fall into anyone's equations here.

It's funny. That's the first thing that stood out to me. I wouldn't have a situation where someone one of my kids was sleeping with is staying in my house. If it were me, even 'joking' about having sex with my wife would be a seriously major offense. Same thing goes for the other daughters.

 

[LilLamb219]

Propositioning underage girls, even in a joking manner, is appalling. He needs to be out of the house and away from the children.

 

[HannahT]

Interesting how the dude propositioning my friend's other underage daughters and his wife doesn't seem to fall into anyone's equations here.

It caught my eye. I'd be having a fit on wheels! My H and I wouldn't allow that period.

I get the fact they are a family at this point - forever bound by the child. Sometimes you need to boot their butt out, and allow them to hit rock bottom...so hopefully they will come up for air.

A mother and a father together raising a child will always be the best. No question. He is being more than just a mooch, but a predator as well. That could have some far reaching ugly consequences on his child.

Hopefully, he will grow up.

 

[DZoolander]

So, if you were in my boat, would you say anything about it to the guy? Or just keep your nose out of it?

 

[HannahT]

Could they be struggling with this decision, because their child (the mother) would abandon them?

 

[DZoolander]

I suppose it's possible - I don't know enough of the dynamics to say. I know that the mom (my buddy's wife) and the daughter (the one with the miscreant baby daddy) have a tumultuous relationship.

 

[LilLamb219]

So, if you were in my boat, would you say anything about it to the guy? Or just keep your nose out of it?

Do you live close enough to him to get together and hang out? He would most likely bring it up and then you can advise him concerning it.

If your contact is ONLY through Facebook and he doesn't bring it up, I think it would be awkward to tell him you were talking to his wife and she said yadda yadda yadda. He might get defensive if you are the one to bring it up thinking you're judging him?

 

[DZoolander]

Yeah - that's what I'm thinking and the reason I haven't brought it up.

About a decade ago I moved across the country to one part - and he moved across the country to another. Lost touch after that - but found each other again on FB about two years ago. After that have been talking pretty regularly about stuff like family, old times, our folks, etc.

His wife chats me up on FB every now and then, too, which is how this came to light. She made an offhand comment - I guessed that the kids/grandkids were living with them (and asked), she said yes, I asked what the other girls thought of it, and I guess my little bit of nosey-ness gave her an opportunity to vent. lol I figured it was going to be a quick "Yep, you deduced right.They're living here. The kids think don't really like him that much" - or whatever. Wasn't expecting this.

I simply said "wow - don't even know what to say" - and backed out of the convo as quickly as I could - because like you said - I don't know how to comment on it without sounding like I'm judging.

 

[Avniel]

I think due to the fact there is someone that is underage you need to approach him on facebook and call CPS if you don't believe anything is being done.

 

[Hetta]

I actually agree with AL - I know, red flag day. Some tough love might be in order, such as your buddy sitting his daughter down, in private, and telling her that he will not allow her sister/s being put in danger, and does she not have any self-respect keeping this guy around when he such a creep ... maybe not in those words, but near enough. I can't imagine anyone wanting such a guy kept around as an example of how to be a man for her son, although her dad doesn't sound like much of a hero either. How would you sit back and let that happen?

Given that his wife has vented to you, would that be a better route to take? It sounds as though she is clued in and angry about it all.

Ugh. I just would not allow that in my home. My future DIL was in the past mean to some of my other kids, and that was bad enough for me - and it got stopped - but sexually propositioning the other kids? I couldn't get that person away from the house fast enough.

 

[Angeldove97]

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