Starting to resent my husband

designer mom · Apr 28, 2012

dallasapple said:
This doesnt surprise me one bit..It wouldnt surprise me even if he tried to deny he even said the things he did either..or if he completely minimizes it..(becasue you are crazy remember?)

But if you think you need to leave I would go with your gut..unless you think your parents are out of town it really doesn mattter if they arent home right now does it?

Dallas

Yeah, I just find myself with a conflict of interest on that one, because my parents aren't exactly normal and healthy people either. After all, they're what turned me into a person that would marry a person like this in the first place! I guess that's why I'd rather talk to them on the phone first, to try to get a feel if they would actually improve the situation for me

Romanseight2005 · Apr 28, 2012

Designer Mom, what does he say about his lying? I am scratching my head to figure out why he wanted to promote a lie about something so crucial. What was his motive in marrying you?

designer mom · Apr 28, 2012

Romanseight2005 said:
Designer Mom, what does he say about his lying? I am scratching my head to figure out why he wanted to promote a lie about something so crucial. What was his motive in marrying you?

He said that he was afraid that I would move to another country and he would never see me again. He said that he has been promoting this lie since our first date.

Romanseight2005 · Apr 28, 2012

So does he take responsibility for that? I mean it sounds like he's not, in the sense that he's punishing you for wanting to be a missionary, you know? Perhaps he felt entitled to have you there with him, in spite of your aspirations?

designer mom · Apr 28, 2012

Romanseight2005 said:
So does he take responsibility for that? I mean it sounds like he's not, in the sense that he's punishing you for wanting to be a missionary, you know? Perhaps he felt entitled to have you there with him, in spite of your aspirations?

I guess the fact that he confessed it, when I would have had no idea about this otherwise, is him taking some kind of responsibility for it. I think that feeling entitled was at least part of it. One of my response statements to his confession was "you were so wrapped up in yourself that you let me marry you knowing that it would take my dreams away from me", and he didn't argue with that.

Romanseight2005 · Apr 28, 2012

But not arguing it, isn't the same thing as owning it with the motivation to change, you know? I guess that's the real issue at this point. Is he willing to stop punishing you? Is he willing to help you pursue your dreams? Many people can admit to something as long as nothing is required of them, you know?

Romanseight2005 · Apr 28, 2012

designer mom said:
Yeah, I just find myself with a conflict of interest on that one, because my parents aren't exactly normal and healthy people either. After all, they're what turned me into a person that would marry a person like this in the first place! I guess that's why I'd rather talk to them on the phone first, to try to get a feel if they would actually improve the situation for me

DM, he lied to you, you can't blame yourself for being lied to. From everything I have heard you say, you sound like a wonderful person, so I think your parents did quite well, just from what I see here.(Obviously I can't know for sure)

There is one thing that I see as consistent about your husband, from everything you have said. It's that he feels entitled to be with you no matter what. You said that he told you he wanted to be a missionary like you on your first date, so that you wouldn't move away from him. You said that when you moved yourself to the farthest room in the house, he kept popping in every 5 minutes. Frankly, he seems to think he can do anything to keep you. That's quite scary.

I will be praying for you and your situation.

designer mom · Apr 28, 2012

Romanseight2005 said:
But not arguing it, isn't the same thing as owning it with the motivation to change, you know? I guess that's the real issue at this point. Is he willing to stop punishing you? Is he willing to help you pursue your dreams? Many people can admit to something as long as nothing is required of them, you know?

Yeah, I know what you mean. I think that it's impossible to know what he is and is not willing to do because he constantly tells me he's going to do something, but than he doesn't follow through with it.

designer mom · Apr 28, 2012

Romanseight2005 said:
DM, he lied to you, you can't blame yourself for being lied to. From everything I have heard you say, you sound like a wonderful person, so I think your parents did quite well, just from what I see here.(Obviously I can't know for sure)

There is one thing that I see as consistent about your husband, from everything you have said. It's that he feels entitled to be with you no matter what. You said that he told you he wanted to be a missionary like you on your first date, so that you wouldn't move away from him. You said that when you moved yourself to the farthest room in the house, he kept popping in every 5 minutes. Frankly, he seems to think he can do anything to keep you. That's quite scary.

I will be praying for you and your situation.

Thank you...

I do see that I have a pattern of trying to blame myself. I think it has something to do with knowing that I can control my own behavior.

You're right about him feeling entitled to be with me no matter what. Now that I'm aware of this, it's starting to freak me out. For example, I went outside to make a phone call earlier tonight (to get some privacy from him), and he kept looking out the window at me, or walking by the window (obviously so he could glance at me without me thinking he was "looking at me"). After I came back inside, I could see him peering around corners in the house, following me around in a secretive but obvious (to me) kind of way. Now that I've moved myself into the farthest room in the house, he's in here all the time too, and I'm losing the sense that it's "my space" (probably because he's leaving messes for me in here too now). A week ago though, no one came in this room ever. We didn't even bother heating it because it wasn't used unless we had overnight guests. No matter what I do, I feel like he's always just around the corner, itching to know what I'm up to.

Romanseight2005 · Apr 29, 2012

Did you get a hold of your parents? It really does sound like it would be a good idea for you to visit them. A little space and time to seek God perhaps?

designer mom · Apr 29, 2012

Romanseight2005 said:
Did you get a hold of your parents? It really does sound like it would be a good idea for you to visit them. A little space and time to seek God perhaps?

I did, I headed down to see them right after church and spent the rest of the day there. Getting a little bit of space helped to lessen my anxiety for the time being. I was having a terrible time getting through church this morning though. I didn't hear one word of the pastors sermon and I kept having chest pains and getting dizzy. I thought everyone was looking at me, and I think I was about to have a panic attack, but then the service ended and I was able to get some air and calm down.

dallasapple · Apr 29, 2012

designer mom said:
I did, I headed down to see them right after church and spent the rest of the day there. Getting a little bit of space helped to lessen my anxiety for the time being. I was having a terrible time getting through church this morning though. I didn't hear one word of the pastors sermon and I kept having chest pains and getting dizzy. I thought everyone was looking at me, and I think I was about to have a panic attack, but then the service ended and I was able to get some air and calm down.

Nobody is looking at you ..I dont mean that in a bad way but its the truth..imagine al the people and they have thier OWN drama drama! ..they may be looking at you thinking you are LOOKING at them! LOL!!You are NOT under a microscope no one is "watching you "..unless you are at HOME and its your husband(I think he IS watching you )..other people are doing their own thing around you ...and keep breathing do NOT hold your breath!

But try to shake that feeling that there is a spot light on you ..there is NOT..you are safe and breath the AIR...

IF they are looking at you its probably because you are pretty and you should be used to that right?..Other than that you dont have some sort of neon sign on you no matter how much it feels that way..thats your heavy heart being on the outside in your mind....

Hang in there ...

(((HUGS))))

Dallas

LinkH · Apr 30, 2012

designer mom

There are some things that can happen in a marriage that can cause one spouse to feel ripped off. Lying about wanting to be a missionary would definitely be one of them.

I'm curious about what you believed the Lord was doing in your relationship with him before you got married? Did you have peace about marrying him, or did you kind of feel like you were stepping outside of the Lord's will by marrying him? I can think of a career decisions I made when I was young which seemed like a good thing, but I didn't have peace about it, so I just didn't pray about it in case I sensed the Lord directing me not to do it. That really didn't turn out well. And it really taught me a lesson about honoring the Lord in decision making. I really prayed through before I married my wife. Even if you did make a mistake, God can still do something great with your life.

And you know what, if God wants you to use you on a missions field somewhere, in His sovereignty, he could let you marry a man who only pretended to be interested in missions, and then turn that man into a missionary and have you eventually go out on a missions field. You could be diligent in prayer for the Lord to change him into the man He wants him to be, and put a heart in him for this kind of work.

At least for some kinds of missions, if you are supposed to do it, you really need a call from the Lord. I'm thinking of the apostolic church planting type missions work. "How shall they preach except they be sent." I don't know if you need quite the same thing to do certain types of relief work or Bible translation, but some of those types of missionaries sense a call to their type of work as well. If missions is just a dream of yours, its worth letting go. But if it's something the Lord has put in your heart, don't underestimate God's ability to work through your circumstances to make it happen.

A lot of times, when God told someone to do something, He leads them through situations where it looks like what they want to accomplish is impossible. Just think how impossible it seemed that Moses would lead the children of Israel to the promise land when they arrived at the Red Sea with Pharoah's army behind them? Think of how impossible it looked that Joseph's brothers would bow down to him when he had lost his freedom twice over. He was a slave, and in jail on top of that. Yet God used that very situation to make him prime minister of Egypt. He used the impossible circumstance to bring his calling to pass.

I just heard a preacher on TV talking about how, no matter what the circumstance, God will fulfill His destiny and purpose in your life.

Lying may be a hard thing to forgive and get over, but of course you will need to forgive him as Bible teaches. One thing I've learned is that missions work is often pretty much the same kind of thing you can do in your home country. If you expect to go to a foreign country and evangelize thousands of peole one on one, it's a little unlikely you will do that unless you are evangelizing one one one here, or did when you had the chance. Sometimes we go through seasons where we have to take a break for ministry. Grad school has slowed me I think, and has probably slowed my wife down. Having babies creates seasons where you can't do the ministry you might otherwise like to do. If you want to do missions, be faithful to do the same type of ministry wherever you are (when you get the opportunity) and pray and trust God to open the opportunities for you to minister overseas.

It's also important to do those basic ministries that are really clear in the scriptures that we all need to do. The ministry of being a good wife and the ministry of being a good mother are very important in the eyes of God. Being faithful in the little things is the doorway into doing the greater things. By being a good helpmate to your husband, in spite of his flaws and the sins he has committed in the past might actually open the door for you to do other types of ministry in the future.

designer mom · Apr 30, 2012

LinkH said:
I'm curious about what you believed the Lord was doing in your relationship with him before you got married? Did you have peace about marrying him, or did you kind of feel like you were stepping outside of the Lord's will by marrying him?

I felt 100% certain that my husband was the man that the Lord had prepared for me. If my husband had been honest with me when we were dating and told me that he did not want to be a missionary, I don't know that I would have felt so certain.

LinkH said:
And you know what, if God wants you to use you on a missions field somewhere, in His sovereignty, he could let you marry a man who only pretended to be interested in missions, and then turn that man into a missionary and have you eventually go out on a missions field.

I agree, and I want to take comfort in that, but on the other hand it feels like a false hope that will prolong the process of accepting that my dream is dead.

LinkH said:
If missions is just a dream of yours, its worth letting go. But if it's something the Lord has put in your heart, don't underestimate God's ability to work through your circumstances to make it happen.

It's not just a dream, it's pretty much the essence of my being. When I clean the house, I clean it because we might some day sell it and make a profit and use that profit to pay off a student loan, and than be one step closer to being able to become missionaries.

LinkH said:
It's also important to do those basic ministries that are really clear in the scriptures that we all need to do. The ministry of being a good wife and the ministry of being a good mother are very important in the eyes of God. Being faithful in the little things is the doorway into doing the greater things. By being a good helpmate to your husband, in spite of his flaws and the sins he has committed in the past might actually open the door for you to do other types of ministry in the future.

I know. This forum is the perfect example of that because it was only the women who have been through what I am going through that were able to clearly see what is actually going on in my marriage. They were able to help me, where as other well-meaning people just confused me. Also, my mother was able to point out that I am suffering from codependency, which means that I am obsessed with solving my husbands problems to the point where it is making me sick. The only reason that she knows that is because she's been through it. (this problem is so serious that they have 12 step programs for it) I'm not quite ready to rejoice in the fact that I will be able to help other people who are suffering with these problems in the future...but somewhere in the corner of my mind, it does make me happy to think about it.

Thanks for your encouragement on the missions work.

designer mom · Apr 30, 2012

dallasapple said:
Nobody is looking at you ..I dont mean that in a bad way but its the truth..imagine al the people and they have thier OWN drama drama! ..they may be looking at you thinking you are LOOKING at them! LOL!!You are NOT under a microscope no one is "watching you "..unless you are at HOME and its your husband(I think he IS watching you )..other people are doing their own thing around you ...and keep breathing do NOT hold your breath!

But try to shake that feeling that there is a spot light on you ..there is NOT..you are safe and breath the AIR...

IF they are looking at you its probably because you are pretty and you should be used to that right?..Other than that you dont have some sort of neon sign on you no matter how much it feels that way..thats your heavy heart being on the outside in your mind....

Hang in there ...

(((HUGS))))

Dallas

Thanks...I know that no one was actually looking at me, but in that moment, I wasn't quite sure. I kept looking at my reflection on my kindle to make sure I didn't smudge something across my face!

I did stick a prayer request in the offering plate explaining briefly what's going on, and that I'm feeling afraid of my husband. I put my phone number and email address. I figured that the more support I can get, the better off I'll be.

mkgal1 · Apr 30, 2012

Link said:
And you know what, if God wants you to use you on a missions field somewhere, in His sovereignty, he could let you marry a man who only pretended to be interested in missions, and then turn that man into a missionary and have you eventually go out on a missions field. You could be diligent in prayer for the Lord to change him into the man He wants him to be, and put a heart in him for this kind of work.

I'm sorry, Link......I don't want to derail DesMom's thread, I just had to comment on this line of thought. God doesn't violate our free will.......He doesn't "turn men into" anything (against their will).........it's not prayer that changes others........it is their hearts and beliefs, and choices. When people are led to believe that line of thought, eventually---if the person *doesn't* change---God would be held (wrongly) responsible. That's how a person can then loose their faith over dealing with a destructive spouse.

LinkH · Apr 30, 2012

mkgal1 said:
I'm sorry, Link......I don't want to derail DesMom's thread, I just had to comment on this line of thought. God doesn't violate our free will.......He doesn't "turn men into" anything (against their will).........it's not prayer that changes others........it is their hearts and beliefs, and choices.

I knew this preacher who came from a Methodist background who had gone to a Methodist seminary. He said once to intercede like you were a Calvinist, and live your life like an Arminian.

When it comes to praying for other people's hearts, I don't want to let doctrines and theories about free will get in my way. I wouldn't call myself a Calvinist or Augustinian or what-have-you, but I don't see a lot of support for the idea that God is bound or restricted by 'free will' when molding someone into what He wants that person to be.

Be that as it may, if you want to take a purer Arminian viewpoint, we can posit that since God can see into the future and see what decisions we will make and what we will be like, and put things on our hearts to pray about, we can still pray with faith about such matters.

If God did give Designer Mom peace about marrying this man when she prayed about it, and she followed His word, acknowledging Him in her decisions, she can trust that God will direct her paths.

Proverbs 3 tells us.
5Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Even if we make unwise decisions, but are trying our best to acknowledge God, He still has a way of directing things.

When people are led to believe that line of thought, eventually---if the person *doesn't* change---God would be held (wrongly) responsible. That's how a person can then loose their faith over dealing with a destructive spouse.

Maybe if someone has a sense of entitlement over what kind of marriage or what kind of life they live. If someone thinks God owes them a life with no suffering, no marriage difficulties, etc., then they may get bitter and lose their faith.

designer mom · Apr 30, 2012

Well, just because I felt 100% certain that it was God's will for me to marry my husband, I could have been 100% wrong about that. This is why I tried to use the bible and logic when it came to my decision as well. Biblically speaking, in my eyes, we were equally yoked, this man was a man after the things of God, and he *seemed* to be bearing good fruit. Logically speaking, our vision of what our futures held for us appeared to mesh perfectly as well. It seemed too good to be true, and it was.

I think as far as God's sovereignty goes...I'll leave that to God. The last thing I want is to move to a 3rd world country with my husband and find out that he lied again, and that God didn't actually change him, and that he's punishing me for "making" him be a missionary. The way things are going, that's how things would go. I can't even begin to imagine what it would take for him to convince me that "God changed him" into a missionary enough for me to actually become one with him.

LinkH · Apr 30, 2012

designer mom said:
I think as far as God's sovereignty goes...I'll leave that to God. The last thing I want is to move to a 3rd world country with my husband and find out that he lied again, and that God didn't actually change him, and that he's punishing me for "making" him be a missionary. The way things are going, that's how things would go. I can't even begin to imagine what it would take for him to convince me that "God changed him" into a missionary enough for me to actually become one with him.

What type of missions work were you interested in? Is there a specific country or region on your heart? Did you imagine your husband pastoring churches, planting churches, or doing evangelism with you overseas?

Does he do any ministry now? Whatever you want to do overseas, do something similar here. My wife is very enthusiastic about ministry, and that certainly has encouraged and provoked me to be more interested in my own calling and ministry. From our very first conversation, she encouraged me in the area of ministry. I've sort of had missionary prophesied over me (and/or 'word of knowledged') over me. My situation was I went overseas as a young man and then started to step more into my calling when I was there.

I don't know what kind of engineering your husband does, but I can tell you that there are certainly expatriate engineers working in some developing countries. That can also be a good tent-making job. (It probably pays a lot better than English teaching, though it may not be as good for relationships.)

You don't want to pressure your husband into being a missionary. It sounds like he doesn't feel comfortable sharing what he really feels, and you may need to figure out how to encourage him to do that, and to take leadership in certain areas. Has he done any type of ministry work in the past-- leading Bible studies or helping out with some kind of church or campus ministry?

designer mom · Apr 30, 2012

LinkH said:
What type of missions work were you interested in? Is there a specific country or region on your heart? Did you imagine your husband pastoring churches, planting churches, or doing evangelism with you overseas?

I am specifically interested in improving housing and living conditions. I feel drawn to Mozambique in particular, and maybe other countries in Africa. I was well on my way to learning about agriculture and basic building concepts before my world came crashing down. (hence the raised garden beds from a few pages ago) I imagined my husband designing new technology that could bring electric (or solar powered?) well pumps to remote areas. HE told me that it was what he envisioned as well.

LinkH said:
Does he do any ministry now?

No, he doesn't. He doesn't even read the bible regularly. I don't even know how he led me to believe that he cared about ministry at all.

LinkH said:
Whatever you want to do overseas, do something similar here.

WE (husband and I) were planning on starting to improve housing conditions for people here. We talked about buying real estate in the future so that we could rent it to needy families at reduced rates, and all kinds of things! I even started a website recently about family life, and organization within the home because I *thought* we knew what we were doing. I stopped writing articles for that one REAL fast though, and I'm thinking about taking it offline. My husband supported me big time on that one, had me thinking he was going to write articles for it and everything (yeah right).

LinkH said:
I don't know what kind of engineering your husband does, but I can tell you that there are certainly expatriate engineers working in some developing countries. That can also be a good tent-making job. (It probably pays a lot better than English teaching, though it may not be as good for relationships.)

He's well aware of this. He told me that he wanted to use his abilities in all kinds of ways, but in reality, what he meant was that he wanted to live down the block from his mother and be an engineer at the same company until he retired.

LinkH said:
You don't want to pressure your husband into being a missionary. It sounds like he doesn't feel comfortable sharing what he really feels, and you may need to figure out how to encourage him to do that, and to take leadership in certain areas. Has he done any type of ministry work in the past-- leading Bible studies or helping out with some kind of church or campus ministry?

Yes, I have to take leadership in most areas because my husband purposely does not live up to his responsibilities as a way of punishing me. He will become angry at me for something that he *perceives* I did, and then "forget" to take out the trash/finish a project/pay a bill/etc. as a way of punishing me. I know this because he told me. He even told me that he tried to punish me by not having sex with me, but he couldn't do it so instead he decided that he would punish me when I don't want to have sex with him.

The other day, when I was trying to walk across the dangerous half finished deck, my husband was laughing at me because "I didn't know where to step". He thought it was hysterical that I was afraid to step in the wrong place and get hit in the head with a board or have one of my legs go through. I already had to go to the ER because of this project when I was trying to do the work myself and I stepped on a rusty nail. This is his idea of a punishment (let me clarify that the things he is punishing me for, are not even things that I did "wrong", instead it is because he is angry at me for things he did not speak up about, and I guess I was supposed to read his mind or something).

When I met my husband, he was the church greeter, and he did other various clean up and "lend a helping hand" kinds of jobs. He also went on a missions trip right before I met him. It was enough to make me feel like he was serious about the things he said.

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