Starting Somewhere

Stopped by Walmart today on the way home from church to pick up a few things, and they were having a $5 sale on older DVDs. Although they got panned by the critics and barely broke even at the box office, I picked up both Daredevil and Elektra. I've had the Daredevil soundtrack ever since it first came out, because it has some very good hard rock on there, as well as two early tracks by Evanescence. That band had a hit with "Bring Me to Life", and they had two great videos for that song -- one with Daredevil and one without. But as I watched Daredevil with the boys tonight, I remembered the other Evanescence song on that album, "My Immortal." They only played part of it, but I vaguely remembered more parts of the lyrics.

After everyone went to bed this evening, I got out the Daredevil soundtrack for the first time in two years and listened to "My Immortal." I teared up a little, and, yes, it made me sad. Here's the lyrics to "My Immortal":

[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]I haven't been "alone all along," but it is very hard to tell myself that my wife is gone, that there will be wounds that time just won't heal. I understand a lot of the reasons why my wife chose to take her own life, but I'm not sure I'll ever understand why our love was not enough to keep her here.[/FONT]

Pastor Gadget

I had a bit of a tough one today, as I awoke thinking about the scene of finding my wife and desperately trying to save her while calling 911, and then the time following the ambulance to the hospital, the fragile state of my mind and heart that night as I waited for the doctor, the feeling of having my heart wrenched from my chest when I knew she was gone from me, the strength that God plainly gave me because I had none of my own that night, the phone calls, the tears... It was a rough thing to have that stuck in my head all day long. When people would ask, "Hi, How're ya doin'?" I'd say plainly, "Crappy."

Fortunately, I have been asked to give a short message about some of Jesus' words from the Cross at our Good Friday service. I have been assigned to speak on our Saviors words to the thief: "Assuredly I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise." (Luke 23:43) That promise has kept me going through so many tough times, because I know that no matter how awfully I may handle things right now, so long as I return to Him humble and penitent, then He will accept me just as I am. When I have a day like today, I cling to that hope and to the vision my lovely wife had for building a better future for our church and community.

Thanks for letting me share.

P.S. - FaithfulWife, you are a blessing. I praise God for adults and children who come from such homes and such parents, and yet who manage to find hope and strength and love. God has blessed you. He has also blessed us through you.

Pastor Gadget

FaithfulWife said:

He Lives--and through Him she is alive and with HIM. May God bless you richly this Easter remembering that this day she is with Him in Paradise!

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At the Good Friday service, we read all of Isaiah 53, which is a prophecy of our Lord and the suffering He would face for our sins. Three verses stood out especially for me:

Of course, we well remember the shortest sentence, the shortest verse in the Bible:When I reflect on these two verses, I cannot help but think about the anguish of our Lord and Savior as He faced that last night in the garden of Gethsemane, knowing that the weight of the world's sins were soon to be laid upon His shoulders. Well He knew what He faced, well He knew the sorrow of a God who grieves that His children turn away from Him. Well He knew, too, that despite His sacrifice, some thousands of years hence we would still be facing an unrepentant and hardened generation who turn from the Lord of Hosts as from an embarrassment. This is the "man of sorrows" who faced the Cross and bore our pain and grief, the payment of our sins, so that we could stand in victory someday. We spend this season glorifying Him, and yet He took this season to glorify us.

When I reflect on my own grief, the measure of pain and sorrow I bear, I know Jesus doesn't think they are small or unworthy of notice. He cares for my heart, with gentle hands that once healed lepers and took nails for me, with gentle voice that called forth Lazarus from the grave and then prayed to have this cup taken from Him, with a gentle heart that cared enough to heal any and all who came His way and yet a heart that wept. My Savior knows my pain, and He knows that although I will bear it for quite a while, someday He will decide it is His to bear. Then I will cast my cares upon Him and find my load a whole lot lighter. For now, He will give me the strength to handle my woes, because He knows I will lean upon Him the whole while.

Blessings and peace on this blessed Resurrection Day!

Pastor Gadget

This has been an up and down week. Big surprise, eh? One day I am flying high, thinking about today and tomorrow, and then the next day or later that night I am focused on yesterday.

I just finished reading Chuck Swindoll's excellent study of First Peter, called "Hope Again: When Life Hurts and Dreams Fade." I had actually started reading before my wife died, and I was perhaps a third of the way through it. Then I set it aside in all the turmoil that first few weeks. Now I have finished it, and I thank God that I did. I can read that letter from Peter with more appreciation, and I can see how sadly applicable Peter's lessons are for me and mine right now.

Although I am now also halfway through Zig Ziglar's "Confessions of a Grieving Christian," I am so far a bit left behind by it. His family's solid faith and the "advanced warning" they had about Suzan's death make me envious. I had no such warning, no such time to grieve a little at a time, to let go a little at a time. I had no chance to help my wife and I find peace with her impending death in this world. My world was wrenched apart at the seams so suddenly it might just as well have been a car accident or a drive-by shooting.

But clearly the huge difference is the matter of choice. Zig's daughter not only had some time to say farewell, but she also had no choice in the matter. She was going to die, and postpone things as best they could, the doctors could do nothing. My wife chose quite suddenly to end her own life. One hour she's here, and the next she is not, all by her choice. I hate to sound callous, and I don't wish to belittle the Ziglar family's pain, but in my view they had it easy. Further, I feel like his book is more like "preaching to the choir" than any special revelation about how we as Christians ought to find hope beyond the death of our loved ones.

Nonetheless, I wil finish that book, too. It keeps my mind off of other things, and I need all the help I can get getting to sleep at night.

Yes, it's hard for me to accept that matter of choice, and yes, I do feel betrayed and angry and, honestly, very lonely. Thank you all for your prayers. They truly do help.

I did read some more of Zig Ziglar's book, and I was around Chapter 13 -- "Giving to Others Out of Your Grief" -- after lunch a week ago. That afternoon, a lady acquaintance from church came by and said hello. In the course of our conversation, she mentioned how much trouble her 70-year-old mother was still having with grieving for her late husband, who had died 4 years ago. I thought of some of the things Zig had been saying about the different ways we grieve, and how important it is to keep alive the spirit of the person who passed on. So I mentioned to book to this lady, and she asked if I'd write down the title so she could order it. I thought about the time it might take for her to get it by special order, and the time lost by getting home and ordering through Amazon or something.

"I tell you what," I said to her. "I'll give you my copy. And when you and your mom are done with it, you can bring it back."

"I can't take that from you," she said. "You haven't even finished it."

"Look," I replied. "I am at a good place right now, and I can always get another copy for myself, or check it out from the library sometime. More importantly, you and your mom really need this book. Take it with my blessing." And so she did.

I have ordered another book from Amazon to help me along: "Grieving a Suicide: A Loved One's Search for Comfort, Answers & Hope" by Albert Y. Hsu. I got to read a sample chapter the other day, and I found him very grounded in Scripture like Zig, but more familiar with where I'm at right now. I'll let you know how it goes.

I am feeling a bit frazzled these days, because my few days off are filled with stuff to do with Mom (my mother-in-law), my step-son, my own kids, or my own bills and stuff dealing with my wife's estate. Seems I always have more errands to run than a "soccer mom" but I only have one kid at home, and he doesn't play sports! Besides the emotional release that will come once the estate is all settled and we move away from here, I also look forward to returning to a relatively more simple life.

Had a sobering thought the other night. My brother-in-law and mother-in-law have both expressed the opinion that someday I will "move on" and find a new wife. My first wife (from whom I am divorced) was white, and my late wife was black. So one night, completely out of the blue, Mom says to me with a mischievous grin, "So what will the next one be?" Without missing a beat, I said, "I'm thinking Asian for a change." We both busted up laughing. But the sad part is that I probably won't be fit for many women, because my late wife is so much a part of my identity as a pastor. She encouraged me to pursue pastoral ministry, she helped me envision a future with us as pastor and pastor's wife (plus "PK's": pastor's kids). She even picked out some of my clothes for the pulpit and for other occasions. She also was very instrumental in challenging me to be more proactive about social justice and moral change in our society. At her memorial service, I spoke about her vision -- which really has become my vision.

So the thought then occurred to me that I might meet a wonderful Christian woman, and then I'd spend so much time talking about my late wife and how important she will always be... Well, no woman in her right mind would want to play second-fiddle to the memory of another woman. And yet, honestly, I believe Mom and brother-in-law are right: I actually am open to the possibility of having another wife someday. I think it's more likely that I probably won't get married again for the reasons I just mentioned, but I am not outright opposed to it. My late wife once joked with me that I ought to move on if she died. I just never thought I'd be faced with the possibility so soon.

I'm doing alright these days. I went through a rough patch a couple weeks ago, then just the past few days I have pulled up again. I feel like the Spirit is preparing me for something. Not sure what, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see. It sure is nice to feel good again. Just wish my wife was here to share it.

Pastor Gadget

I got the opportunity tonight to see a speech and Q&A with Carla Fine, author of No Time to Say Goodbye. I was struck by how similar her story is to mine -- workaholic spouses who took their own lives in the prime of their careers. Also, I enjoyed listening to her respond to questions about coming to grips with never knowing the full reasons for our loved ones' suicides. It was a good chance to connect with some folks on the counseling end of suicide survival, and a good encouragement to get to the local survivors support group. But as I was driving home, I got to thinking about something she said, how if she had her husband right there in front of her, she'd berate him for being so stupid as to take his life before he had a chance to experience all that has gone on in the past 20+ years. We all chuckled, but her point hit home.

She likened life to a book. You wouldn't stop reading a book before you'd get to the end, would you? Think of all the interesting things you'd miss out on! Sure, this part of the book is hard to read, but there's no telling what the rest of the book will bring. So why stop reading now?!?

Carla also talked about how the decision to end one's life is most often a momentary thing, spontaneous and unplanned. I thought about that on the way home and a few things came to mind:

• A moment of despair vs. a lifetime of hopes
• A moment of loneliness vs. a lifetime of people to meet and love
• A moment of fear vs. a lifetime of comfort
• A moment of pain vs. a lifetime of normal life
• A momentary lapse of reason vs. a lifetime of learning and growing
• A moment of feeling abandoned by God vs. a lifetime of knowing He is always with us

The worst thing for me is that my wife probably felt like she was solving her own problems with disability and our family's problems with finances and taking care of her. It was perhaps just a fleeting thought that caught hold of her imagination, and her despair took hold and expanded the irrational into something so large that it just HAD to be truth -- and yet it wasn't. People say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and that is so true in the case of a disabled person who cannot see that her family loves and WANTS to care for her. The embarassment and discomfort of having someone else care for you is nothing compared to the pain we survivors must endure as a group. In fact, I would gladly trade the loss of my wife for her disability, any day of the week. I wish I could have gotten my wife to see that her physical and emotional problems were workable, that they were something that is, unfortunately, just a part of life.

Looking back at my own emotional roller coaster in life, I think about the times I was despondent and on the edge of suicide myself, but I always looked forward, never forgot that for every time I'd been hurt there were five or ten times I'd been loved. I look back at my life and realize that I would have missed out on so much:

• If I had killed myself when I got a divorce three years ago, then I wouldn't have returned to the church, wouldn't have made the new friends I've made, wouldn't have met and married my new and now lamented wife.
• If I had killed myself when I was struggling in grad school, I wouldn't have met my first wife, wouldn't have had two wonderful kids, wouldn't have met one of my lifelong friends, wouldn't have done so many fun things over the course of my first marriage.
• If I had killed myself when I was dumped by a girl I thought I might marry in college, I wouldn't have gone to grad school, never taught a class in college, and all the things above.
• If I had killed myself when I was stationed overseas in the Army, alone and afraid of the world, I never would have been awarded a medal, wouldn't have gone to college, wouldn't have come to see the world political situation so clearly once I got into intelligence work.
• If I had killed myself when I had an emotional breakdown in high school, I would have missed out on the new friends I met after high school, and wouldn't have joined the Army and learned the discipline that keeps me going today...

And that's just over the last 28 years. Imagine what more is in store for me over the next 28 years! I never have been one to completely give up on a book. I may put it down for a while, but I will eventually come back to it and finish it. It took me 40 years to get around to reading the whole Bible. And I am so glad I have read the whole thing! It's a great book! So why wouldn't I want to keep "reading" my own life? Yes, it'll have its ups and downs, its triumphs, blessings, and, yes, disciplines. But it is so true:
All things -- good and bad -- work together for good to those who love God... That is, the end result is good. There will be bad times and there will be good times, but overall, all those times work together for good. My late wife knew that verse, and I tried to explain it to her, but I don't think she really took it to heart. Now it has become my blessing, along with:We are not promised that those who fear the Lord will not experience famine, only that He will keep us alive when we are in a famine. Famine of the soul is perhaps even harder than a famine of food, because that is when we typically lose hope. But we are told here that for those who hope in God's mercy, God will keep His eye on them, deliver their souls from death, and keep them alive through the harshest times. We need to keep that hope alive.

Pastor Gadget