- Jun 29, 2017
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Many people will take up a sport or join a gym in the coming month. They may follow a specific diet (paleo, 5:2, superfoods, raw vegan...) and set themselves some 'body goals'.
They might use apps to monitor their heart rate and sleeping patterns and enter all the 'data' regarding foods, macro nutrients, calories consumed, calories burned, centimeters, inches, kilogrammes and pounds gained and lost to their instagram or fitness blog, motivate themselves by following fitspiration blogs, taking selfies of themselves with bowls of oatmeal...but what are they looking for in this religion of healthy living?
What was I looking for when I followed that trend? Connection? Acceptance? The lifestyle of working out, lifting weights, doing cardio whilst hungry, eating the same things every day and getting up at 5.30am to fit training into a busy schedule requires disciplined devotion. It easily become one's religion. The trouble is that no matter how much we love it, it doesn't love us back.
I was always fleetingly happy to hit a 'goal' and felt that I was achieving something but due to hedonistic adaptation (we get used to stuff and want more good stuff) the satisfaction couldn't and didn't ever last long.
The ugliest thing about the journey for me is the reasons I started it:
1) To make a specific person envious. She despises me and she has a lot of good stuff in her life but she cannot get thin, skinny, lean, slim, size zero no matter how she tries. Guess who can? I can.
2) To punish myself. I made some terrible decisions in the last ten years and did things I am ashamed of. I guess I didn't feel that the forgiveness of God was enough and took it into my own hands to pay a non-existent debt, one push up at a time.
Where did it land me after three years? Ugly inside. Wasting most of my time thinking about calories, food, workouts, clothes, vanity. Thinking mean thoughts about others to prop up my incredibly fragile sense of self worth, based entirely on what the scales said and how loose my size whatever pants were feeling. Physically not good at all but I won't bore you with those details, some of which are gross. Hair loss should be enough information, nobody wants that
Even when I managed to calm it down and turn back to Lord Jesus Christ the religion of fitness only became downgraded to idol, it was still my main motivator and comfort in life. Thankfully the Holy Spirit convicted me and I really knew I didn't want to go on in this way. I prayed and others prayed for me. By the grace of God I have made great progress in the past two months with eating properly and working out less often and less fanatically. Of course the body goes crazy for a while with extreme hunger and weight gain but that is all part of recovery, terrifying as it is.
So, my 'goals' for 2018 are to live free of this fitness and diet idol. I still have some way to go and I hope to read this post back in a years time and praise the name of Lord Jesus Christ that this muddle of a thing is old news.
What I really want to say is that if you are thinking about 'transforming yourself' with sport and diet in 2018 think about your motivations. Are you lacking something, a connection with God or with others? Is it a self-esteem issue (if I just lose 5kg I will be able to date/work/fly to the moon) or do you just want to make the enemy you should be forgiving green with envy and regret (revenge dieting)?
They might use apps to monitor their heart rate and sleeping patterns and enter all the 'data' regarding foods, macro nutrients, calories consumed, calories burned, centimeters, inches, kilogrammes and pounds gained and lost to their instagram or fitness blog, motivate themselves by following fitspiration blogs, taking selfies of themselves with bowls of oatmeal...but what are they looking for in this religion of healthy living?
What was I looking for when I followed that trend? Connection? Acceptance? The lifestyle of working out, lifting weights, doing cardio whilst hungry, eating the same things every day and getting up at 5.30am to fit training into a busy schedule requires disciplined devotion. It easily become one's religion. The trouble is that no matter how much we love it, it doesn't love us back.
I was always fleetingly happy to hit a 'goal' and felt that I was achieving something but due to hedonistic adaptation (we get used to stuff and want more good stuff) the satisfaction couldn't and didn't ever last long.
The ugliest thing about the journey for me is the reasons I started it:
1) To make a specific person envious. She despises me and she has a lot of good stuff in her life but she cannot get thin, skinny, lean, slim, size zero no matter how she tries. Guess who can? I can.
2) To punish myself. I made some terrible decisions in the last ten years and did things I am ashamed of. I guess I didn't feel that the forgiveness of God was enough and took it into my own hands to pay a non-existent debt, one push up at a time.
Where did it land me after three years? Ugly inside. Wasting most of my time thinking about calories, food, workouts, clothes, vanity. Thinking mean thoughts about others to prop up my incredibly fragile sense of self worth, based entirely on what the scales said and how loose my size whatever pants were feeling. Physically not good at all but I won't bore you with those details, some of which are gross. Hair loss should be enough information, nobody wants that
Even when I managed to calm it down and turn back to Lord Jesus Christ the religion of fitness only became downgraded to idol, it was still my main motivator and comfort in life. Thankfully the Holy Spirit convicted me and I really knew I didn't want to go on in this way. I prayed and others prayed for me. By the grace of God I have made great progress in the past two months with eating properly and working out less often and less fanatically. Of course the body goes crazy for a while with extreme hunger and weight gain but that is all part of recovery, terrifying as it is.
So, my 'goals' for 2018 are to live free of this fitness and diet idol. I still have some way to go and I hope to read this post back in a years time and praise the name of Lord Jesus Christ that this muddle of a thing is old news.
What I really want to say is that if you are thinking about 'transforming yourself' with sport and diet in 2018 think about your motivations. Are you lacking something, a connection with God or with others? Is it a self-esteem issue (if I just lose 5kg I will be able to date/work/fly to the moon) or do you just want to make the enemy you should be forgiving green with envy and regret (revenge dieting)?