Split Personality? So Confused!

[littlevoice]

I am confused because I don't understand how I can feel so different at the same time. Aren't we supposed to feel depressed and then feel happy but not at the same time?

I feel happy and normal, but underlying all that is the constant feeling that I just want to die. I feel like there are two of me living at the same time - one who loves my bf and my life (well, not so much my life!) and one who just wants to die. When I am thinking about my bf, I feel guilty for not caring if I live or die. But I still want to die! Why? I'm so confused!! How can I wake up every morning and feel depressed because I woke?!

I'm not going to do anything about it, but sometimes the feeling is so strong! I cut and I starve. I am messed up. This is probably the wrong forum to put this in. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

 

[tapero]

Hi Littlevoice,

This is a good forum for your post. I am sorry for how you are feeling. Hon, why do you feel like you don't want to live? I was wondering if you are in counseling. You need to talk with someone in real life about your situation. Also you can call a doctor, or pastor, priest.

There is a list of hotlines to call on each forum at the top. I think they might be able to help when you are struggling.

Please pm me, I would love to chat with you.

We are here for you littlevoice. We can support you and encourage you. We just can't offer professional counsel and I know that real life help would be great.

Is there someone at your church you can talk to also?

Keep posting as it helps to get out your feelings.

Write to me if you like, my pm box is always open.

Love,
tapero

 

[littlevoice]

I don't know why I want to die. It would be easier if I could understand. At least then I would know why. I am not in counseling, I can't. I can't talk to anyone about it. I just can't. I can only talk here because it is anonymous. I am scared if I talk to someone in life about it they will make it into a big deal and analyze me. Maybe I am just supposed to be broken. I have only been to my church a few times because I am new and I dont feel comfortble talking to someone about it.

 

[eLBeBe]

hey i kno the same feeling cause i used to feel that way a little bit but i began to pray. Im 19 years old God has done many things for me just recently i was saved out of a big car accident i came out with bruises but i survied, also my mom has breast cancer but now they said they don't feel any lumps. but you have to pray about it and i will pray for u cause God works alot of miracles in life and continue to go to church and u will see God working in your life

 

[littlevoice]

elBeBe thanks for your reply. I'm sorry about your mom but I am happy she is getting better. I do pray a lot, I promise you that. There is just so much going on in my life I think I must have done something wrong to deserve it all. It just hurts so much and I am so confused. I dont know why. I just dont understand.

 

[tapero]

I don't know why I want to die. It would be easier if I could understand. At least then I would know why. I am not in counseling, I can't. I can't talk to anyone about it. I just can't. I can only talk here because it is anonymous. I am scared if I talk to someone in life about it they will make it into a big deal and analyze me. Maybe I am just supposed to be broken. I have only been to my church a few times because I am new and I dont feel comfortble talking to someone about it.

Hi Littlevoice, Counselors don't analyze you, they help you through troubles. They give you tools and help alot. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a counselor to share my struggles with. I pray that your fear of this would go away. I understand it though.

Do you like the church you are going to? That took a lot of courage to go. You're doing good.

Well, we are all broken people, but God meant for us to get help. Two are better than one, if one falls the other helps him up.

I'm so glad you wrote back. Keep writing. Love, Tapero
I'm praying for you.

 

[eLBeBe]

elBeBe thanks for your reply. I'm sorry about your mom but I am happy she is getting better. I do pray a lot, I promise you that. There is just so much going on in my life I think I must have done something wrong to deserve it all. It just hurts so much and I am so confused. I dont know why. I just dont understand.

being confused is pretty big and im happy that u go to church and pray that is soo good. but i will keep u in my prayers cause if i never had nobody to share what i was going thru back then i don't know if i would of lived or been killed. cause my life here in florida was soo bad when i was like in my teen years of getting in trouble and fighting. until i accepted Jesus as my savior and seen what he did in my life i give thanks and Praise everything been good. i have my up's and downs but i pray and God watches over me

Love ya,
Gerard
"God is Love"

P.S. but i will keep u in my prayers and if u need to talk to somebody as well feel free to msg me

 

[littlevoice]

Tapero when I was at school my friend went to the school counselor and the counselor told her that she could trust her so my friend told her everything that she was struggling with. The counselor phoned my friend's parents and told them and she told the school headmaster too. The next day my friend attempted suicide. I can't talk to counselors. I don't know if it is from what happened but I don't trust them.

The church is nice... very loud. They sing with microphones and drums and I am not used to it but it is a church and that is what I need.

elBeBe thanks for your prayers. You are a special person.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Tapero when I was at school my friend went to the school counselor and the counselor told her that she could trust her so my friend told her everything that she was struggling with. The counselor phoned my friend's parents and told them and she told the school headmaster too. The next day my friend attempted suicide. I can't talk to counselors. I don't know if it is from what happened but I don't trust them.

The church is nice... very loud. They sing with microphones and drums and I am not used to it but it is a church and that is what I need.

elBeBe thanks for your prayers. You are a special person.

Good morning to you little sis

Since I'm currently in the thick of a storm myself, I'm inclined to agree with both Tapero and you!

Can I ask - are you and your friend under 18 years of age? The reason I ask is that the laws in the UK state that if a patient is under 18, they do get a confidential treatment BUT... if the issue is something risky then the practitioner by law must alert the parents and authorities. The parents, because they are classed by law as the primary carers and the authorities so that they can be helped. By not doing so, and if the under aged person for example, commits suicide, then the professional would be held responsible for not alerting those who can help them from hurting themselves. There are exceptions to this rule such as parental abuse but overall this is how the law is over here. I couldn't understand when I was under 18, mind you, but now that I'm a mom I can totally understand and am grateful for it. I would positively lose my mind if anything happened to my daughter and a counsellor had been aware of it but not told me.

I'd really hit rock bottom in the beginning of November and seriously could not understand why I felt the way I did. My doctor placed me on anti-depressants which I felt really bad about due to the stigma attached to it in the UK. I began to feel as you did after a couple of weeks on the meds. Like you I was real reluctant to seeing a counsellor but I hadn't considered a Christian Counsellor.

As it turned out I went down the Christian Counsellor route. After just one visit I felt different and much better even though I'm not out of the woods yet. The minister that I'm seeing is not in contact with my doctor and she does offer a confidential service. What I tell her about is between me, her and G-d.

I realise it will be a big step, but try to get into contact with a Christian Counsellor. They will work at your pace and if you first feel strong enough to just be prayed over then they will do that. If you need to just talk, they will listen and then pray. The biggest comfort I gained from a Christian counsellor was that she understood what I was going through and she was able to pray when I could not.

IMO the main advantage of a Christian counsellor is the double bonus of them being qualified in the profession but also they know who the ultimate Healer is and will take us through the necessary steps to be closer to G-d. In my case these were steps not taught by my church which is where I recommend such a counsellor.

I will continue to pray for you sis and I wanted to leave you with the following verse Matthew 11:28-29:

[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]11:28 "Come to me, all of you who are struggling and burdened, and I will give you rest. [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]11:29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. [/FONT]

 

[littlevoice]

Good morning to you little sis

Since I'm currently in the thick of a storm myself, I'm inclined to agree with both Tapero and you!

Can I ask - are you and your friend under 18 years of age? The reason I ask is that the laws in the UK state that if a patient is under 18, they do get a confidential treatment BUT... if the issue is something risky then the practitioner by law must alert the parents and authorities. The parents, because they are classed by law as the primary carers and the authorities so that they can be helped. By not doing so, and if the under aged person for example, commits suicide, then the professional would be held responsible for not alerting those who can help them from hurting themselves. There are exceptions to this rule such as parental abuse but overall this is how the law is over here. I couldn't understand when I was under 18, mind you, but now that I'm a mom I can totally understand and am grateful for it. I would positively lose my mind if anything happened to my daughter and a counsellor had been aware of it but not told me.

I'd really hit rock bottom in the beginning of November and seriously could not understand why I felt the way I did. My doctor placed me on anti-depressants which I felt really bad about due to the stigma attached to it in the UK. I began to feel as you did after a couple of weeks on the meds. Like you I was real reluctant to seeing a counsellor but I hadn't considered a Christian Counsellor.

As it turned out I went down the Christian Counsellor route. After just one visit I felt different and much better even though I'm not out of the woods yet. The minister that I'm seeing is not in contact with my doctor and she does offer a confidential service. What I tell her about is between me, her and G-d.

I realise it will be a big step, but try to get into contact with a Christian Counsellor. They will work at your pace and if you first feel strong enough to just be prayed over then they will do that. If you need to just talk, they will listen and then pray. The biggest comfort I gained from a Christian counsellor was that she understood what I was going through and she was able to pray when I could not.

IMO the main advantage of a Christian counsellor is the double bonus of them being qualified in the profession but also they know who the ultimate Healer is and will take us through the necessary steps to be closer to G-d. In my case these were steps not taught by my church which is where I recommend such a counsellor.

I will continue to pray for you sis and I wanted to leave you with the following verse Matthew 11:28-29:

Thanks for your post.
I am over 18 years old but at the time my friend and I were under 18. I understand why she did it, but I think the shock and fear I had because of my friend's attempted suicide has scarred me. I can't let my friends and family know about any of my secrets. I can't let my boyfriend know.

I have considered going to a counselor but I keep putting it off. I don't have any money and I can't get to a counselor without telling someone in my life about what is happening and I can't do that.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Thanks for your post.
I am over 18 years old but at the time my friend and I were under 18. I understand why she did it, but I think the shock and fear I had because of my friend's attempted suicide has scarred me. I can't let my friends and family know about any of my secrets. I can't let my boyfriend know.

I have considered going to a counselor but I keep putting it off. I don't have any money and I can't get to a counselor without telling someone in my life about what is happening and I can't do that.

Hi littlevoice - welcome to the forum . Counsellors and other mandatory reporters have an obligation to report minors (under 18) if they are at serious risk, which is what would have happened with your friend.

I know that right now you feel that people finding out about your secrets would be the worst thing in the world to happen, but I promise you it's not. I'm not going to tell you I know how you feel, but I held onto something for so long that it pulled me apart inside. It was only after I finally managed to tell a close friend that I realised exactly what holding onto that secret had done to me. No secret is worth taking your life over and I'm sorry your friend tried to . That doesn't mean though that the same must happen to you.

I have a friend who began a treatment program recently because of past sexual abuse, an ED, SI and personality disorders among other things. The program isn't easy, but I can already see changes, even if she can't.

I think it would be a wonderful idea if you could try to tell someone about what's going on, but do it in your own way to (whether it's even sending them an email). You're important enough to matter littlevoice .

As for the counselling, we have a very long list of hotlines and other resources that we can use if we know what country you're in - I'll even help you find a counsellor if you'll let me. Most countries have money set aside by their governments for those that can't afford to get help otherwise and I'm sure we can find something that suits you.

Send me a PM anytime Hun .

 

[littlevoice]

Thanks Steffi. I can't take up your offers but it means a lot that you would offer to help me. I've shared a lot... I think it's time to retreat into the shadows again.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Thanks Steffi. I can't take up your offers but it means a lot that you would offer to help me. I've shared a lot... I think it's time to retreat into the shadows again.

My offers are here as long as I am my friend - I meant what I said before too. You are worth it and I hope that one day you can believe it too *hug*.

 

[littlevoice]

My offers are here as long as I am my friend - I meant what I said before too. You are worth it and I hope that one day you can believe it too *hug*.

I hope so Steffi.
I guess I am feeling disheartened.
And so alone.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

I hope so Steffi.
I guess I am feeling disheartened.
And so alone.

You aren't alone my friend - that much I know . However you feel at any time of the day though, we're told to take heart because Christ beat anything the world threw at Him. I know I sound like I'm preaching another Bible story, but it's worth taking a look at and applying to your own life. The Book wasn't written for a random person 1000 years ago - it was written for each of us personally. When Christ said there would be hard times, He meant it . But the world threw everything it could at one Person and it's going to keep trying with us as well. It sounds like I battle if I ever heard of one, but to win we need to link arms with Him and each other. Nothing can beat that combination.

 

[Mskedi]

Tapero when I was at school my friend went to the school counselor and the counselor told her that she could trust her so my friend told her everything that she was struggling with. The counselor phoned my friend's parents and told them and she told the school headmaster too. The next day my friend attempted suicide. I can't talk to counselors. I don't know if it is from what happened but I don't trust them.

The church is nice... very loud. They sing with microphones and drums and I am not used to it but it is a church and that is what I need.

elBeBe thanks for your prayers. You are a special person.

I understand your distrust of counselors -- I've been there and also had reasons for that distrust -- but please believe that they are not all the same. If you can go to a school psychologist (whether you're still at public school or in college) your experience may be very different from your friend's. There are even free, anonymous counseling services over the phone (check your phone book for local listings) in many areas where you could talk about your problems with someone willing to listen without there being any chance of repurcussions or spreading of what you have said.

What I can tell you is that there are other people who have felt similarly and gotten through. For me, having someone to talk to about things I couldn't talk to my friends or family about was invaluable in keeping me alive.

 

[daisycharm]

(((littlevoice))) I hear you loud and clear! I can also identify with you. I suffer from depression and I have since I was a teenager.

One thing I have found with letting God into my life and trying to drive satan out... is that I often feel like you described... split personality. I want and crave the good life that God has to give me, but it feels as if satan is there constantly telling me I cant have it or I dont deserve it or tempting me to do things I shouldnt so that I feel guilty and ashamed.

I am slowly learning that God knows that you cannot flip a switch and suddenly become a perfect Christian. And Christians are not free from problems, they just have better tools in life to handle them.

Some days I feel like the struggle between the personalities, is a struggle between good and evil inside me. Its not always easy to turn my back on the evil, fun, tempting things of this world. But somewhere deep inside I know these choices are not the right ones and I feel guilt, shame, unworthy, unloved.... etc... Part of this comes from my childhood but I wont get into that here.

I finally told my family that I was depressed and could not seem to get over it. That I needed help. I did a year of counseling and they put me on some meds. It helped me so much. That was many years ago and now I have begun to feel depressed again... but I know why and I know that time will heal whats going on with me.

Counseling is private. You dont need to tell your family more than you are depressed, not sure why, would like to seek counseling to find out. There are also programs at local health dept. and they charge on your ability to pay. Also, if you are going to a church, you might want to talk with the preacher there. You can start slow and dont have to tell them everything in one sitting. Sometimes just taking action... any action is enough to help you feel better.

I had to try 4 different counselors before I found one that I connected with. So if you dont feel comfortable with the first one, dont give up. The main thing is just finding someone to talk to. Talking things out helps and I know thats what I need right now.

You stated, "I cut and I starve." There are groups for this and its all confidential. I dont know much about the cutting but I do about starving or eating disorders. There are groups that can help and you dont have to talk until you are ready but it helps to just go and listen. You will find out you are far from alone. I would google these things and see if you can find a 12 step group close enough for you to get to. The also have hotlines where you can call and talk to someone and see if this is the group thats right for you.

Keep posting.

 

[lilbeliever]

omdz i felt the same way and still fo but getting better

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

I have considered going to a counselor but I keep putting it off. I don't have any money and I can't get to a counselor without telling someone in my life about what is happening and I can't do that.

I understand and can relate.

When I read your post I thought that the experience of what your friend went through must have been traumatic for you and I'd imagine was very difficult. My husband use to be in the military and what they have now is help to hand when troops experience similar trauma. The emotions you're experiencing is very normal and the fact that you're here and talking to us is commendable. Hang in there sis!

Only when you feel up to it, let me know and while I am off work I can do some research for you to see if there are some free, confidential, qualified Christian counsellors in the States. I can copy and paste their contact information here for you whenever you need me to.

This year has been very hard for a lot of believers, but I have been assured that the L-rd has heard every single one of our prayers and felt our pain. Through His Grace it will get better.

Will continue to lift you up in prayer sis.

Be sure to bear in mind what everyone has said here, when you're up for it, and be rest assured and encouraged that we're all praying for you during the storms when you don't feel up to it.

Your sister in Christ
LP

 

[eLBeBe]

hey littlevoice i went to church today and i prayed for u today how u been doing this new year