Spirirual abuse

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Oh and I'm sorry if this offends anyone but what IS it with pastors' wives. Good GRIEF they are the worst. I've had more spiritual abuse from pastors' WIVES than anyone else. It's like a repeating pattern or something. And when you're female this is really a problem, because there seems to be this gender-paranoiac trend in pastors and elders of wanting to palm off women in distress or need of counsel to other women rather than deal with it themselves as men of God manifesting the pure love and compassion and wisdom of Christ.

I've had a lot of spiritual abuse in my life to the point where it all melts together into one runny pool of ick with very little differentiation between the individual buckets and drops that went into that big icky pool of ick. But the drops or buckets that DO stand out, invariably are attached to experiences with pastors' wives.

I could tell you some stories ... for real .................

 

[.Sabre.]

Blaze, people in general are "donkey". Most of them just want to cast you in some really pathetic two-dimensional role in the invisble DRAMA theater of their own minds. And they tend to get VERY upset if either you won't play along and fill the role they cut out for you OR worse, if you stand up and call them on it and tell them you are NOT a "prop" in their world and don't appreciate being treated like one.

Grrr.

Sadly, this is true. It's enough to make me lose hope for humanity once again.

 

[.Sabre.]

Oh and I'm sorry if this offends anyone but what IS it with pastors' wives. Good GRIEF they are the worst. I've had more spiritual abuse from pastors' WIVES than anyone else. It's like a repeating pattern or something. And when you're female this is really a problem, because there seems to be this gender-paranoiac trend in pastors and elders of wanting to palm off women in distress or need of counsel to other women rather than deal with it themselves as men of God manifesting the pure love and compassion and wisdom of Christ.

I've had a lot of spiritual abuse in my life to the point where it all melts together into one runny pool of ick with very little differentiation between the individual buckets and drops that went into that big icky pool of ick. But the drops or buckets that DO stand out, invariably are attached to experiences with pastors' wives.

I could tell you some stories ... for real .................

Quite right. I don't understand why they won't answer questions or give assistance themselves, but instead send the woman with the problem to their wives, who love the opportunity to show that they are one up on everyone.

The one I was dealing with said that wearing low-cut tops and miniskirts makes you "easy" and "unworthy"....

 

[Catherineanne]

Hate to have to say it in THIS context, BUT ...

Quod me nutrit, me destruit.

This is true.

When you have a counsellor, therapist, or even a confessor, you give them a sword pointed at your own heart.

Most priests would not dream of using it, but some will. In my case Michael used the weapon that would hurt me the most in order to destroy me.

The reason he did not succeed is that I had one person to tell me, this is not true; what he is saying is more about him than about you, and you should not believe it. I did not go round telling people what was being said, but the curate knew already, and he did not believe it. He and I are still friends, ten years later, although he is a Rector now.

I have had problems with other therapists over the years, but none of them has the emotional power of a priest. And I have learned not to be so trusting, as well. And the difference is that therapists are always accountable to their profession. If you try to tell a bishop what a priest has done, he will not believe you. He will believe the priest.

I went to see our Bishop. That is how I found out that Michael had told him the same lies about me that he had told other people. I have never been so ashamed in all my life. :o

These lies were:

That I was in love with him
That I had developed an unhealthy obsession with him
That I was mentally unstable
That I was in danger of behaving in some unspecified inappropriate manner.

I am still ashamed of these accusations. I just remember what is true, which is that for this man's wedding anniversary celebration in our church (three months before this), I had made for him and his wife a celebratory cake, like a wedding cake. And for his induction to a new parish (just before the accusations) I had made another. I used all the best ingredients, and was really pleased to help celebrate high points in his life with him and his family and with our church. This was not anything weird; lots of people chipped in and made things, and I made the cakes.

When he became my therapist I made a point of getting to know his wife, and encouraged my d to become friends with his ds. This was in order to prevent any kind of 'my wife doesn't understand me' situation developing in future. My view was that single women do not get close to married ministers on their own; they get close to the whole family, and thereby everyone is protected. I did not at any point do, say or even think anything that his wife could not have known about.

This is not the behaviour of a woman who wants to end a man's marriage. I was devastated when my own marriage came to an end, because I believed it was sacred. Why on earth would I do anything whatever to threaten that of my priest? Why, when in pain myself, would I wish any other person on earth to go through that same pain? Why inflict on his wife and ds what I and my d were suffering from? For anyone to even begin to think me capable of this is terrible. For complete strangers, well, they would not know. But Michael knew. And he still chose to use the sword.

And even now the thought comes to me, perhaps Michael was right, and that because I remember this ten years later, perhaps I am obsessed with him, and the shame returns. And thus the poison continues.

This is spiritual abuse.

It is pretty well behind me now, and I no longer think about it. I have other things to deal with, and to do. But it is not good that a minister can do this, and get away scot free, with everyone, including the church and the bishop, effectively blaming the victim for the crime.

 

[Catherineanne]

I am so sorry!

I was counselled by my local pastor's wife once. She went and told everyone about my so-called possession and everything I told her....as if I found it easy to trust in the first place. It really damaged my trust in people.

Thank you for your understanding.

Trust is a very fragile thing. I can never trust again as I once did, which is a shame. But it is important to learn to protect ourselves.

I am sorry about what happened to you.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Quite right. I don't understand why they won't answer questions or give assistance themselves, but instead send the woman with the problem to their wives, who love the opportunity to show that they are one up on everyone.

The one I was dealing with said that wearing low-cut tops and miniskirts makes you "easy" and "unworthy"....

My worst pastor's-wife horror-story basically involves this sharp-tongued domineering FULL of herself woman who thought the way to approach a person (me) in the throes of a severe, relentless, suicidal depression who was irrevocably convinced she was lost for all eternity because she had been taken by Satan and couldn't get back what she once had with God, was to be cold and cutting and cruel with her words while constantly needling and provoking with admonishments to basically "snap out of it and stop feeling sorry for yourself and being so melodramatic." Find fault with everything you do or say, encourage you to open up and share your feelings (which means digging into some deep raw UNpleasant stuff for a suicidally depressed person) and then stifling the process by insisting upon stupid superficial rules for her own convenience. Like, when you're swimming through the quagmire of everything that troubles you, who the BLEEP has the time to meticulously make sure they NEVER insert a BLEEP word into their sentences?? GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you tell grieving widows not to cry because the sight of their mascara running is unseemly too??? ARRRGGHGHGHGHGH!!!

HATE HATE KILL KILL HATE WANT TO DESTROY WANT TO SHATTER AND ANNIHILATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(sorry. )

I'm sorry but you do NOT deal with someone who is suicidal that way you could push them over that edge!!! Especially if they are young (like I was at the time) and you really DON'T know if they

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

will

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Really

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

do it or not.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

arrrggghghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Catherineanne]

I've had a lot of spiritual abuse in my life to the point where it all melts together into one runny pool of ick with very little differentiation between the individual buckets and drops that went into that big icky pool of ick. But the drops or buckets that DO stand out, invariably are attached to experiences with pastors' wives.

I think ministers wives very often don't like their husbands being married to their vocation first, and the wife second. Some can handle it, but many cannot.

The resentment this causes comes out in strange ways, often very destructive to any women who happen to be around. Especially the younger ones.

 

[.Sabre.]

Thank you for your understanding.

Trust is a very fragile thing. I can never trust again as I once did, which is a shame. But it is important to learn to protect ourselves.

I am sorry about what happened to you.

Thanks for being so understanding.

People who do things like what happened to you, Moriah, Freitag, me and quite a few other posters, are abusing a position of trust, which is quite serious.

 

[.Sabre.]

My worst pastor's-wife horror-story basically involves this sharp-tongued domineering FULL of herself woman who thought the way to approach a person (me) in the throes of a severe, relentless, suicidal depression who was irrevocably convinced she was lost for all eternity because she had been taken by Satan and couldn't get back what she once had with God, was to be cold and cutting and cruel with her words while constantly needling and provoking with admonishments to basically "snap out of it and stop feeling sorry for yourself and being so melodramatic." Find fault with everything you do or say, encourage you to open up and share your feelings (which means digging into some deep raw UNpleasant stuff for a suicidally depressed person) and then stifling the process by insisting upon stupid superficial rules for her own convenience. Like, when you're swimming through the quagmire of everything that troubles you, who the BLEEP has the time to meticulously make sure they NEVER insert a BLEEP word into their sentences?? GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you tell grieving widows not to cry because the sight of their mascara running is unseemly too??? ARRRGGHGHGHGHGH!!!

HATE HATE KILL KILL HATE WANT TO DESTROY WANT TO SHATTER AND ANNIHILATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(sorry. )

I'm sorry but you do NOT deal with someone who is suicidal that way you could push them over that edge!!! Especially if they are young (like I was at the time) and you really DON'T know if they

It's definitely one of the worst ways to approach a person who is upset or traumatized in any way! Seriously, what she did was totally wrong, uncalled for and inexcusable.

 

[Catherineanne]

HATE HATE KILL KILL HATE WANT TO DESTROY WANT TO SHATTER AND ANNIHILATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(sorry. )

Don't apologise for your feelings, Moriah. If you do not let this poison out, it will turn into self hatred and depression.

You have every right to be angry with this moronic woman; she should not be allowed anywhere near a person in pain.

I'm sorry but you do NOT deal with someone who is suicidal that way you could push them over that edge!!! Especially if they are young (like I was at the time) and you really DON'T know if they

Absolutely. Here is another Michael story (I have thousands of them ).

Very early on in the counselling, when I still thought he knew what he was doing, and I was safe in his hands, I told him about the suicidal ideation I was having. (This is a symptom of ptsd, but neither of us knew I had that at that time.) I told M that I would never do anything stupid, because it would hurt my d too much. She was then 4. His reply? "She will get over it."

Then he told me that if it were not for his religious faith, he would "jump off the cliff with me".

I think the best response to this stuff now is the following: