Spanking

[newcreature]

The questions: how should it be approached? When should an offense from a child warrent spanking? When should it not be used? I do not want to break the spirit of my children. And, once a child has been spanked, what should be done? Should you comfort them, explain why they were spanked... Need some tips. Thank you

 

[Addicted2~Jesus]

I'm a believer in spankin an there's a bunch of folks who no doubt are against it so you've got a nice can of worms opened up here IMO spankin should be done in a controlled manner an well organized clearly thought through process. Th one thin a body doesn't want to do is spank someone while they are angry, cause then your takin your frustrations out on th child an it's not bout dicipline anylonger it's bout you.

What warrants a spank? That's sumthin you'd have to decide, I personnaly spank when someone does sumthin they've been told not to do. I try to give only one chance but often times it's more like 2 er 3 then spanked. Kids are gonna push folks right to th limits tryin to find their boundaries an that's jes normal.

No you don't wanna break your childs spirit but you do want to mold it into th person God has called em to be, rasie a child in th way he should go an when he is old he will not part from it.

[bible]Proverbs 22:6[/bible]

Sometimes that requires a bit more will bendin then folks wanna havta do. I don't like to spank my daughter it kills me evertime I do it, but she also learns from her spank an is not likly to do it again. I do like to use th whole... I don't know whatchya call it but send my daughter off to wait for th other shoe to fall as it were. I mainly do that to calm mysef down, but no doubt she's sittin there dreadin what's bout to come.


I do not think you should comfort a child that you have jes diciplined wit hugs an that's alrights etc. An explanation before th spank an then an I do still love you but don't do it again type thin is in order. I normally walk out an let em think bout what they've done for a bit. I do not let this go on long, I try to change th subject, th screw up an discipline are done an over wit their in th pas an no need to dwell on it. So le's move on from here an go back to doin whatever we was doin etc.

 

[Zoomer]

I have made a list of house rules...
No biting, hair pulling, etc.
No whining
No temper tantrums
No yelling
No name calling
and so forth

If I catch them doing one of the above:
1- verbal warning
2- if they do it again, a 5 minute time out
3- if they do it a third time, a swat on the butt and a 5 minute time out


After the time-outs, I explain to them what they did wrong and how they should behave. Then I make them apologize to me (and whoever else was involved), and I finally I give them a hug. They haven't yet repeated something a fourth time, but I would swat their butt and increase the time-out to 8 minutes.
If you stick to a form of discipline then you will find the more you stay consistent the less often you have to use it.

 

[andiesmama]

Well, Andie's only 2 1/2 so I've not really "spanked" her, although I have swatted her a time or two on her bottom...well-padded with a diaper so I'm sure she never felt it at all, I think it's mostly the "indignity"!! lol

But with me I give her a warning that if she continues "whatever" then she'll get a swat...and if she defys me, then a swat it is. Then of course she cries and I hold her, tell her that I love her alot but when mommy or daddy ask her to stop doing something she needs to listen to us.

Now, all it takes is a warning of an upcoming swat, the behaviour usually "magically" stops! lol

 

[redwing030]

This is something that both my husband and I believe we will do. Both of us were spanked as kids and ya know, after a time or two all ya needed was "the look" from dad to make you start crying and stop whatever you were doing that wasn't right. My mom said that she can only remember 1 time my whole childhood needing to be spanked, my sister on the other hand is a different story But I don't think it takes kids too long to realize that they don't want a spanking and they start listening a little more.

 

[sara elizabeth]

I spank my kids for deliberate disobedience. That is when I've made it plain that they are not to do something and then they do it.

Like has already been said, one of the most important things to remember is to never spank if you are upset or angry. In those cases it is much better to send the child to his room and give yourself time to calm down and think clearly about the situation.

I take the child into my room (away from the rest of the family) and calmly explain why he is getting discipline. Then after the spanking I hold the child and make sure he knows that I love him and the only reason he got a spanking is because I want him to grow up to be a good person. I feel like it is important to continue to hold the child until he is finished crying and happy again. This way he can feel like it is over and he has been forgiven.

This is just how we do it it, but it has worked well for us in the times where a spanking was definitely needed.

 

[okiemommy26]

I believe in spanking and I agree with Zoomer you have to have a rule guideline that works for you and your kids.

 

[moses916]

spank kids reasonably, not out of anger, i was never spanked and therefore i have a hard time being obedient to my parents! but through prayer and fasting in the name of God all things are possible! God bless!

 

[newcreature]

Thank you all for your posts. Zoomer, is your list posted where the kids can read it, or where you can read it to them?

 

[Neenie1]

We spank our 3 yo.

Not too hard, but hard enough that it will cause discomfort and he won't want to do it again.

Under no circumstances do we ever smack around the head/neck, that is too dangerous and can cause some damage.

Also, we don't believe in doing it in anger. Normally if something has made me really angry I send him to his room, so I can deal with my anger (like the time he poured ORANGE hand cream all over the carpet oh boy was I angry about that!)

Then he will get a smack.

After he has calmed down and stops crying we give him a hug - reassure that we still love him, then explain what he has done wrong, and why we had to smack him. (in a way he can understand, remember he is only 3)

Generally speaking, he is well behaved.


ALso, dangerous things don't even get a warning - immediate smack. Like anything to do with leaving the house (we have recently discovered he can get out the front gate) so he was smacked for doing that because anything could have happened to him out there.

So now we are looking into getting a lock for the gate that we can use when he is outside playing.

 

[erin74]

We smack at the moment - but intend to only do it up til an age where they can understand reason and other punishments better. We smack on the hand when they are really little and doing something that might hurt them - like my 12 month old playing with the sliding door. He knows he isn't allowed to (he looks at us with a big cheeky grin - no one can tell me he doesn't understand), and then after he has had a smack on his hand he will go to touch it and stop (and sometimes have a little cry - quite cute actually). Who says little kids can't sin! We found this particularly helpful for teaching our eldest about the heater when he was a similar age - and will do so for this little guy too.

Our three year old we warn first - and if the behaviour continues he gets a smack (on the hand or the leg). I agree don't do it in anger. We don't always smack - and often we send him to his bed for a time out. If it's a meal times this is impracticle most of the time, so we go for the smack. But we always warn first. When he was younger we made a much bigger deal over the forgiveness bit - but never too quickly cause we wanted the punishment to sink in. If he gets a time out we always make sure he knows what it was for before he leaves his bed, and he has to apologise.

Hmm - just reading back and my post is a bit hodge podge - but I'm sure you get the idea.... too tired to fix it now!

Erin

 

[Manda_24]

Well I don't have kids but I just thought I would throw in my two cents.

I don't see anything wrong with spanking. I was spanked as a child and even when I was a little older, and the same thing with my brother and I plan on doing the same with any of my children. It was usually with a paddle but sometimes with a brush, fly swatter and some other things. I don't think paddling is bad if it is done properly. I don't believe there shouldn't be any bruises. I have had a hand print left for a few minutes but it was nothing I wouldn't get over.

I was spanked usually when I deliberately did something that I shouldn't have right after my parents said not too. We also got soap in our mouths when we would talk back and sent to our rooms for other things, I never have been grounded, my parents never had to go that far. I hold nothing against my parents for spanking me, I believe it teaches good lessons. If kids don't remember being told they will remember the pain that came with the action before and then they probably won't continue it.

Along with the last sentence, I know that it works; I know a little girl, she was probably 2 1/2 at the time, she was getting her diaper changed and she spit on the person doing it, they smacked her mouth(lightly not a slap across the face or anything) and the next week when she was there again she said something like No Spit. She understood the consequences of her actions.

 

[Katydid]

I think Addicted2~Jesus hit our philosophy right on. We also spank for anything that the child does that we have warned them to stop. This is at home and in public. Though when we are on the economy (what we call it when we shop on the German economy and not on base) we take them out to the van or to a bathroom. At the PX, it is right there in the store. Some people state that you don't want to embarass the child. My point is, they are embarassing me, often times purposefully (especially the older one) so maybe if they get a little embarassed, they will think twice about doing it again. It works too, because it is a very rare occurence that we have to spank out in public. Also, as Neenie 1 stated, life threatening situations get NO warning. I also give NO sympathy after that. For instance, my 3 yr. old, who was two at the time, ran out into the road while I was trying to deal with my, at the time, 3 month old. He got spanked, put into his carseat, and that was the end. No sympathy, no hugs, I needed to make SURE that he understood that this was completely unacceptable. Even at home, they only get hugs AFTER they are done crying, otherwise, as we have seen with other people's children, two things tend to happen. 1. a younger child feels that you are apologizing for spanking them, and they will go right back to misbehaving. I have seen this with a really good friend of mine, and when I told her why I felt it was happening, she changed her methods and the behavior stopped. 2. they will cry for longer and take advantage of the fact that they have your undivided attention. I saw this happen as well, and again when I discussed it with the mom, she changed her method and the crying went from 10 to 15 minutes, to 2 minutes. Because he knew that hugs wouldn't come until he stopped crying. So that is basically, where my husband and I stand.

 

[Zoomer]

My children are 3 and 4. Since they cannot read yet, I do not have it posted. I just remind them every morning that whining, temper tantrums, name calling etc. are not tolerated. As they get older, I plan on posting the list, changing the rules and punishments, as well.

 

[If Not For Grace]

When mine were young the rules were


(Indoors/Public Places)

1) No Running
2) No Whining
3) No Yelling
4) No Gum

5) No second Chances. (=Do what you are told. Told NOT ASKED)

Come here=Come here. Not come here, come here, please. or come here now...123

When they were older the rules were (SEE ABOVE)

IT was usually No 5) that got em.
Say what you mean and mean what you say--it's not that harsh.
A spanking is NOT a beating. It's a tap, quick swat. etc. I always followed a spanking with another form of restriction.

Dicipline should not be done in anger. Just as a consequence for rule breaking. ITS the RULES that need to be established FIRST.



ALL mine are now grown (3) and they can still say the rules.

GET the rules 1st...Make em say em as soon as they can talk. JUST like ABC's...then you won't have to yell, explain....and try to reason so much later.. It worked..

 

[Katydid]

I would love to have a list of rules that never has to be added to. But, mine would be added to every day. I would have to add, no choking, no biting, no screaming, no pinching, no taking someone else's toys, no slapping the dog, no throwing food, etc etc. And this would continue every day as they came up with other ways that don't break the "rules".

 

[bostonlass]

WOW! I can't believe how many people here are ok with spanking! I wonder if it's a regional thing or something. I don't know anyone in my area at all that is ok with it. Basically I have always done time outs and taken privileges away when the kids do something that is against our rules but for the most part I find that positive reinforcement.......affirming to them that I am proud when they do something right....goes a lot further than the punishments do. I very rarely have to punish my daughters...I'm talking maybe once or twice a year at the most. Maybe I'm just blessed but that is and has been my experience.

Sure when they were younger, they are 7 and 8 now, they would act up but once I went through why, i.e. are they hungry, tired, bored, etc. and fixed the situation the behavior stopped. Normally they just needed a nap and no spanking would have changed the fact that they were overtired or hungry.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Katydid]

Sure when they were younger, they are 7 and 8 now, they would act up but once I went through why, i.e. are they hungry, tired, bored, etc. and fixed the situation the behavior stopped. Normally they just needed a nap and no spanking would have changed the fact that they were overtired or hungry.

Your right, many times there is an underlying reason. But, as far as my son's and daughter goes, often times it is a battle of wills. Also, maybe I am extremely strict, but I believe that there are some behaviors that are unacceptable REGARDLESS of how sleepy, hungry, or bored they get. For instance, running into the street, throwing themselves on the floor and having a fit. I teach my children very early, say at about a year, how to ask for things. Now of course a 12 month old can't verbally ask, but they all knew at that age how to point, and then I would say please and put my hand out nicely. They all learned within a very short time, how to ask. Maybe you are blessed. But my oldest would not stay in a time out at 2, and his babysitter tried to physically hold him in one, he bit her and drew blood. My middle son doesn't care if he is in a time-out, he has quite the imagination and after being released will tell you all about his dinosaur buddies who visited him the corner. He will actually place himself in secluded places because he doesn't like being in a loud or chaotic space. My daughter is the only one that time-outs affect, and we do use them with her simply because they have a larger effect on her than a spanking.

 

[bliz]

We spanked very little. Spanking was reserved for in-you-face defience. That could take various forms, but when they were defying the God-given order for the family, that earned a spanking. My youngest I only spanked twice in his life. My eldest... more often, both his personality and my running out of ideas too quickly or spanking for the wrong reasons, IMHO.

I remember being with a Mom with kids of similiar ages and she was constantly leaving the room to spank the eldest son. At one point she apologized for having to step out so often, but this was the only think that worked. "How often do you spank?" I asked. "Oh, about 11 or 12 times. A day." It popped out before I knew it: "Off-hand I'd say it isn't working."

OUr kids (now ages 23, 20, 18) were well mannered and polite and well behaved, often much better behaved that kids who were struck multiple times a day. We did not lower our standards and expectations, we maintained them differently.

 

[bostonlass]

Your right, many times there is an underlying reason. But, as far as my son's and daughter goes, often times it is a battle of wills. Also, maybe I am extremely strict, but I believe that there are some behaviors that are unacceptable REGARDLESS of how sleepy, hungry, or bored they get. For instance, running into the street, throwing themselves on the floor and having a fit. I teach my children very early, say at about a year, how to ask for things. Now of course a 12 month old can't verbally ask, but they all knew at that age how to point, and then I would say please and put my hand out nicely. They all learned within a very short time, how to ask. Maybe you are blessed. But my oldest would not stay in a time out at 2, and his babysitter tried to physically hold him in one, he bit her and drew blood. My middle son doesn't care if he is in a time-out, he has quite the imagination and after being released will tell you all about his dinosaur buddies who visited him the corner. He will actually place himself in secluded places because he doesn't like being in a loud or chaotic space. My daughter is the only one that time-outs affect, and we do use them with her simply because they have a larger effect on her than a spanking.

I think that different things work for different kids. I only know what works with mine. I'm sure there are a million other outside things that go into how they are affected as well. For example, my daugthers used to go to daycare when they were little, starting at 6 months. I believe at around 2 years old, once they moved into the toddler room, the time outs were started. They would see the other kids be put into a corner or wherever the time out was and there would be a big clock to show how much time was left. I think that the knowledge that everyone knew they were supposed to stay there probably had some effect on them so it wasn't as hard for me to keep them in the time out. Actually I never really had to tell them to stay put, they did it out of habit of either being in time out themselves at daycare or seeing others having to do it.

I was not spanked as a child but my sisters and brother were. I think my mom stopped with me right around the time when a study came out saying it was not a good idea. In any event we all came out the same in the end so I guess whatever works for one might not be the best for another.

God Bless!