Someone suggested I should date younger since I'm not a single parent

[ThisIsMe123]

I was talking to a single woman (single mother) about dating as a single parent. I think she mentioned she's been pretty busy with her kids lately to date.

She told me, even though I'm 47, that I may be better off dating a woman without kids, because most single parents want to date single parents and someone without kids would never understand the other's situation. I thought it was a bit presumptous to say on her part, but I bit.

I asked her, "Well, how much younger do you suggest?" and she said, "Mid-30s" I laughed and said, "Well, I have to find a woman that'd be willing to stomach dating someone a decade older than herself. And heck, there are a ton of mid-30s women with kids, still. But if they don't have kids, the other party has to be open to dating older.

Do you think it was a silly suggestion on her part?

 

[Lost4words]

Yes.

You may make a fantastic father to a lady that is single with a child / children!

 

[Justasurvivor]

I was talking to a single woman (single mother) about dating as a single parent. I think she mentioned she's been pretty busy with her kids lately to date.

She told me, even though I'm 47, that I may be better off dating a woman without kids, because most single parents want to date single parents and someone without kids would never understand the other's situation. I thought it was a bit presumptous to say on her part, but I bit.

I asked her, "Well, how much younger do you suggest?" and she said, "Mid-30s" I laughed and said, "Well, I have to find a woman that'd be willing to stomach dating someone a decade older than herself. And heck, there are a ton of mid-30s women with kids, still. But if they don't have kids, the other party has to be open to dating older.

Do you think it was a silly suggestion on her part?

dating a women without children makes since and dating someone a decade younger is very odd however because of how old you are it's not that frowned upon

 

[Niels]

Sounds reasonable to me. There's nothing wrong with dating younger, as long as the two of you are adults and the interest is mutual. Likewise, there's nothing wrong with dating older.

 

[Jonaitis]

Its not uncommon for women to date older and more matured people than themselves, this happens all the time...

I don't think what she said is silly, she personally wants the significant other to be relatable which isn't always a bad thing. As a single person I would just look for someone else who is without children, I hear that co-parenting with a single mother can be difficult.

 

[Dkh587]

Here’s the bottom line: if you aren’t ready to have kids, do not date a woman with children.

Single, childless adults should only date single parents if they are absolutely ready for kids.

 

[AnneY]

Both my married sisters married men who were ~10 years older than them, they're still happily married.

 

[Citanul]

Give what the respective ages would be, I don't think a 10-15 year age is too much of a problem - it's not like 35 dating 20 where the two would be at completely different stages in their lives.

As for single parents preferring to date single parents, is that really the case? Yes, maybe someone who also has children might understand the situation better, but the reasons that a childless person might not want to date someone with kids can also apply to a single parent not wanting to date someone with kids. And there's the additional factor of not just having to worry about how the other person's kids are going to react to you but also how all the children are going to interact. So they might shy away from dating another single parent to avoid any complications around that.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Give what the respective ages would be, I don't think a 10-15 year age is too much of a problem - it's not like 35 dating 20 where the two would be at completely different stages in their lives.

As for single parents preferring to date single parents, is that really the case? Yes, maybe someone who also has children might understand the situation better, but the reasons that a childless person might not want to date someone with kids can also apply to a single parent not wanting to date someone with kids. And there's the additional factor of not just having to worry about how the other person's kids are going to react to you but also how all the children are going to interact. So they might shy away from dating another single parent to avoid any complications around that.

Sometimes I catch myself in a Catch 22. Since at 47 I decided to not have children when I reached 40. If I say, meet a woman past 40 that's never had kids, they may want them. Me and a woman I was dating had to end it because she was insisting on having children...still.

She said she had to end her 5 year relationship with a 45something year old man when he said he didn't want kids. I think she was in her 30s at the time she was dating him.

Heck, I know a woman in her mid-50s that's never been married, no kids...that still wants to adopt.

When I reached 40, I stopped seeing the appeal in it. Although my ideal woman would be someone who doesn't have kids like me, but also doesn't want them. But if I date a single mother of 2, usually they closed up shop having kids anymore and won't want them.

 

[James of Arc]

Sounds like a blow off to me. A single parent wants a good provider to pay attention to their kids. They dont want more kids added to the picture. More kids would be a bigger hassle.

At your age most kids are leaving the nest so maybe date a couple of years older. A woman whos kids are gone and she wants an adult in her life to have fun with.

 

[blackribbon]

Dating a single mom means recognizing that she might cancel plans at the last minute because one or both of her kids needs her....maybe to watch them play a soccer game, needs help on homework that they put off, or even just because she feels that they need her tonight. She will always put her kids first if she is a good mom and it has nothing to do with how she feels about you. Her first commitment has to be to the family that God gave her to care for. This means she isn't as available as most single men who do not have children in their care can understand. I don't know that dating younger is the answer because women in their 30s likely do want children. I don't think age is really your issue but rather finding women who have older children who no longer live at home or women who are happy without children. Your pond is smaller but the opportunities to find a compatible woman are probably greater in that small pond instead of waiting time on women who aren't likely to be a match. You can not marry a woman with dependent children if you are not ready to be a father to them.

 

[Sketcher]

Seems to me that lots of single women in their 30's who don't have kids want to have kids.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Seems to me that lots of single women in their 30's who don't have kids want to have kids.

Yeah, well, that's kind of a "in her prime" age bracket. It's "do or die time" for a woman in their 30s'. 40+ beyond it's rather risky and they can opt for fostering or adoption.

I've also been meeting single mothers with no dad in the picture, which means no time off alternating weekends, which means rarely any time can be made for someone romantic.

 

[RobertMerton]

Years ago i found a formula which makes alot of sense in terms of socially appropiate age gaps.

It is your age divided by 2 plus seven.

I.e. 47 / 2 + 7 = 30.5

 

[Niels]

XKCD has a great take on this:

 

[Gnarwhal]

I don't think it makes sense to seek a partner based on whether or not they have kids, unless you absolutely never want kids. Otherwise focus on the woman, whether the relationship is fulfilling or not and if she has a kid/kids then work on getting to know them when she's ready for you to.

I'm 31 and I don't care how old the woman is or if she had kids if the connection was undeniably strong and she checked all the most important boxes (same faith, same worldview, similar priorities in life, an understanding and respect of my goals and a trust that I would consider her—and her kids if there are any—well being when making life choices that affect all of us). I've been equally attracted to women of all ages with different life experiences, ambitions, backgrounds... I think if there's chemistry, commitment, and a rightly-ordered life towards God then other things can be worked out and we should be careful of narrowing the scope of our search too much if finding a relationship (or marriage) is important to us.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I recall getting to know a woman where the father wasn't in the picture. She's in her 40s, works as a stock person at a big box store. She said she's looking for a man that can support her and her daughter so she would be able to spend more time with her daughter.

I passed on that. Couldn't believe she was serious.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Years ago i found a formula which makes alot of sense in terms of socially appropiate age gaps.

It is your age divided by 2 plus seven.

I.e. 47 / 2 + 7 = 30.5

Hm, as young as 30.5 without it being creepy? Interesting. I have as of yet seen a woman who is early 30s that desired an age range that extended beyond 40 though. And for them 40 is a stretch even.

 

[Citanul]

Hm, as young as 30.5 without it being creepy? Interesting. I have as of yet seen a woman who is early 30s that desired an age range that extended beyond 40 though. And for them 40 is a stretch even.

To me that rule seems to work best for 30 and younger. Then again, I wouldn't say that 47 dating 30.5 is creepy, but even if it's an acceptable lower limit it doesn't mean that you should necessarily go after that age. If you even can - I'd agree with you that women in their early 30s generally aren't going to be too interested in someone that much older than them.

 

[Niels]

Hm, as young as 30.5 without it being creepy? Interesting. I have as of yet seen a woman who is early 30s that desired an age range that extended beyond 40 though. And for them 40 is a stretch even.

Two of my favorite college professors were married to each other, and fit that demographic. He was in his mid-late 40s at the time, and she was in her early 30s. Granted, they were both youthful and seemed to have good chemistry. If I hadn't known their ages, I wouldn't have suspected much of an age gap between them.

Large age gaps aren't for everyone, of course, but they can work if both people want to make it work.