So sorry, but....

[CoolMom6]

OK, so this is like the second time in a row, pretty much, that I have gotten the "So sorry, but I don't really think I want to raise little children again. But I like you and pretty much just want your body" speech.
Blah. Well...that last part I ad-libbed, but all kidding aside, that was what was basically said by two men I have dated, and honestly, by the last two husbands.

So, what now??? I understand they want to not have the responsibility of raising someone else's children, but my kids have dads, and they are involved. I just need and want someone for me.

These men knew we were a package deal from the get-go.

I am still getting calls to go out to dinner with the last one, who backed out of marriage after dating exclusively for 7 months, and this one, who I was pretty convinced nothing scared him, but he seems to be mostly concerned with getting me alone lately; blah and double blah.

 

[KarrieTex]

I know the feeling about guys trying to get one thing and one thing alone.

I don't have children but I have heard from my best bud who does that it is hard to find a man who wants to take on kids.

When did guys become so afraid of responsibility?

I am noticing it goes to being responsible just for one person who is their SO.

 

[overit]

So sorry coolmom....hence why you can just decide not to worry about finding a guy till your kids are grown and gone. It is true, I'd say 99% of guys won't want to assume the responsibility, even w/kids of their own, and ESPECIALLY if their dad is in the picture-which doesn't make sense to us women.

I have had guys open up honestly about this, it's complex and quite frankly very sad-as women we are more accepting of a guys children, but not the other way around. I won't even get into why it's like this.

There might be the rare exception, but overall it's an accurate picture-then the rare guy that MIGHT be crazy about your kids and finding everything else you are compatible and then you actually like eachother and share similar goals/interests-as I always say...needle in a haystack. I'm quite aware of how the single moms for dating are seen, quite aware and hey, that's guys for you and why I rather just stay away from the game alltogether. Not worth hurting myself and especially not hurting my kids.

Sorry I sound bitter today lol

 

[covenantwmn]

So sorry, but better to know now. When it's from the Lord, he won't hesitate.

 

[Gimpy]

I am so sad for you. I only wish I could just fix everything for you.

 

[porterross]

Barb, I'm so sorry to hear that , but you know you're better off. Those aren't men, they are little boys who only want play things with no responsibility and guys like that rarely grow up. Good riddance and thank God for sparing you from further complications.

Time to start looking for a different manner of man, methinks. The best ones don't come in pressed shirts with perpetually refreshing aftershave and they don't necessarily have the looks that all other women are after (thank God), but it's what's at the core that matters. Take more time to get to really know a man..from a distance before allowing him to be in your company. Find one worthy of you in the areas that will ensure security for you and your children for a lifetime, not a good time. Be a bit aloof until you know what their intentions are for ALL of you.

I'll take my mother hat off now....but you know I can't help it.

 

[MN John]

Sorry to hear that Barb

I pray for your contentment and peace. Maybe God will answer that with a husband, or maybe with contentment in singleness. But I hope for you to find it one way or the other.

Peace, sister!

 

[CoolMom6]

Thanks everyone.

This one DID look different. He looked normal, simple, joyful, loving and confident only in the Lord.
He just does not want my kids.
No biggie now; not a difficult choice for ME; if you all know what I mean.
I adore my children with all my heart, and they do come first at this time.
So all good.

 

[catofhope]

So sorry to hear this Barb.

Maybe the best man does not live in this country.

 

[porterross]

You might have something there, Cathy.

 

[OhhJim]

I thought you had a boyfriend?

http://www.christianforums.com/t537...-of-man-im-looking-forthough-unrealistic.html

If I'm being clueless again, my apologies for being a man.

 

[catofhope]

Why can't I see Jim's post except when I am posting?

Was there another database hiccup?

Barb

 

[eatenbylocusts]

So sorry coolmom....hence why you can just decide not to worry about finding a guy till your kids are grown and gone. It is true, I'd say 99% of guys won't want to assume the responsibility, even w/kids of their own, and ESPECIALLY if their dad is in the picture-which doesn't make sense to us women.

I have had guys open up honestly about this, it's complex and quite frankly very sad-as women we are more accepting of a guys children, but not the other way around. I won't even get into why it's like this.

There might be the rare exception, but overall it's an accurate picture-then the rare guy that MIGHT be crazy about your kids and finding everything else you are compatible and then you actually like eachother and share similar goals/interests-as I always say...needle in a haystack. I'm quite aware of how the single moms for dating are seen, quite aware and hey, that's guys for you and why I rather just stay away from the game alltogether. Not worth hurting myself and especially not hurting my kids.

Sorry I sound bitter today lol

Actually this hasn't been a problem with the guys I've spent time dating. One did make it clear that he didn't want to be part of kids going away to the father's; but since my ex split to another country that wasn't a problem. I'm sure that there are some who have closed me out because I make it very clear that my kids are with me 100%.

So personally I know five Christian men who are up to raising another man's kids, and two of them talked about adoption. To paraphrase what Cwm said; if he was the right one, it would work out. And whoever said something about staying aloof- I think aloof might be too strong a word, but after the last two heartbreaks I am determined to not get serious with anyone until I've known them for months.

I'm sorry Barb. I hope that it does give you a bit of hope that you can find someone near you though.

 

[porterross]

I thought you had a boyfriend?

http://www.christianforums.com/t537...-of-man-im-looking-forthough-unrealistic.html

If I'm being clueless again, my apologies for being a man.

Do try to keep up, Jim. Read the OP again. He turned out to be a toad.

 

[PassionateOne]

OK, so this is like the second time in a row, pretty much, that I have gotten the "So sorry, but I don't really think I want to raise little children again. But I like you and pretty much just want your body" speech.
Blah. Well...that last part I ad-libbed, but all kidding aside, that was what was basically said by two men I have dated, and honestly, by the last two husbands.

So, what now??? I understand they want to not have the responsibility of raising someone else's children, but my kids have dads, and they are involved. I just need and want someone for me.

These men knew we were a package deal from the get-go.

I am still getting calls to go out to dinner with the last one, who backed out of marriage after dating exclusively for 7 months, and this one, who I was pretty convinced nothing scared him, but he seems to be mostly concerned with getting me alone lately; blah and double blah.

Awwww, Barb!

And

 

[country woman]

I know what you are going through. I have not had a serious relationship since I broke up with my daughter dad that was 20 years ago. I was abused by him so I have little trust to some guys. I have gone out here and therenothing worth while. I do go out with this one guy but we are only friends. He is not the marrying kind of guy.

 

[CoolMom6]

Actually, a bit of hope;
I got a call last night from him and he said he realized I was hurt by his comment about the children. He said he realized I had gotten upset, and then he felt it was over, door closed. He did say, yes, he was attracted to me, but that is not all he wanted, not just arm decor, and that he did want to have a best friend, partner in Christ, and wife.

He asked me to dinner last night, and being the always hungry girl I am, I went.

It went well, and I was on guard, but he explained it will take him some time to learn to love them, that he would not ever be mean or unloving to them, and that in all the missions trips, he was getting to know teens and that was what he was most unsure about. He seems to like my little girls.

He did say that he needs to hear more confirmation from the Lord concerning us, but that in his opinion, I was just what he was looking for, that he liked being with me, and that he could be a good role model and friend to the children. I don't think he is the "full of hot air" type, but that he is trying.

Just you know, I am on my guard, esp. after the last one who basically said the exact same thing and then told me he was not ready at all after spending months close to me and the kids.

 

[KarrieTex]

Actually, a bit of hope;
I got a call last night from him and he said he realized I was hurt by his comment about the children. He said he realized I had gotten upset, and then he felt it was over, door closed. He did say, yes, he was attracted to me, but that is not all he wanted, not just arm decor, and that he did want to have a best friend, partner in Christ, and wife.

He asked me to dinner last night, and being the always hungry girl I am, I went.

It went well, and I was on guard, but he explained it will take him some time to learn to love them, that he would not ever be mean or unloving to them, and that in all the missions trips, he was getting to know teens and that was what he was most unsure about. He seems to like my little girls.

He did say that he needs to hear more confirmation from the Lord concerning us, but that in his opinion, I was just what he was looking for, that he liked being with me, and that he could be a good role model and friend to the children. I don't think he is the "full of hot air" type, but that he is trying.

Just you know, I am on my guard, esp. after the last one who basically said the exact same thing and then told me he was not ready at all after spending months close to me and the kids.

I am beginning to wonder if arranged marriages were a lot better than this.

I think this is just as bad as hearing...i am just not ready to be responsible and have children.

 

[ido]

I've been following along on this and can relate to your situation quite a bit. Although, I haven't found anyone yet that is interested in more than a few dates once they learn the ages of my children. (5 and 2)

I think it's good that he is trying to be open and communicative with you and that he realized what he said was not taken well - and tried to clarify. I also think it's good that you are going forward with a discerning heart. There is nothing wrong with keeping your eyes wide open in a situation.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that he doesn't disappoint at the end of the journey like the last guy did.

 

[overit]

It went well, and I was on guard, but he explained it will take him some time to learn to love them, that he would not ever be mean or unloving to them, and that in all the missions trips, he was getting to know teens and that was what he was most unsure about. He seems to like my little girls.

He did say that he needs to hear more confirmation from the Lord concerning us, but that in his opinion, I was just what he was looking for, that he liked being with me, and that he could be a good role model and friend to the children. I don't think he is the "full of hot air" type, but that he is trying.

Ding ding ding!!! Girl the alarms are going off blaring here, RED RED flags....do yourself a favor and wait for the one that is open to loving your kids from the get go. DO NOT settle just because you want a relationship, it is not worth it. I see so many times out of loneliness, sadness or wanting something women settle for less then ideal and you shouldn't have to. I'm not saying this is what you are doing but I am concerned. You are worth your weight in gold, and so are your kids, they deserve somebody who doesn't have to "work at" loving, understanding kids. I will but this does not sound or look good from the outside. The whole needs to hear more confirmation from the Lord about you guys...ding ding.....he would then stay clear from dating a single mom until he KNEW he could do this and THEN proceed, not have you get involved, fall for him and then pull a "the Lord told me this is not the right thing for me" BS line.

Again, why settle for somebody who has to 'try'. We all learn and when kids are involved you know what you're getting into and obviously there will be getting to know eachother and so forth but not the "try to like the kids" part. Either they are ok w/a "ready family" or not.. Most of them IME are not. A few of them I dated were, one of them was older and never had kids of his own so he was the most welcoming to the "single mom", as a matter of fact he now is dating a single mom of 3 lol. One had kids of his own, the last one well, fiasco, he was willing and eager to get to know them but it failed for other more tragic issues.

One guy I dated a few times was upfront that he preferred that the dad would not be involved in the kids lives at all and he would be glad to assume father figure , needless to say that was the last date. Another agreed "on paper" to encourage father involvement but knowing the ex was a less then good dad would find reasons to say he'd be willing to be a father figure and it probably wouldn't matter to the ex anyway as he wasn't an involved dad, again what about what my kids want? Ir what they will bring up some day that I chose to make it to where their dad would go from little involvement to none at all?

So, w/out me ranting about my guys lol....this really sends up flags, I'm sure there was an implied "you misunderstood what I said, what I really meant was...." or am I wrong? Go w/your first instinct which was to realized he was a toad and move on w/head held high, doing what you've done till now, putting kiddos first.