so I went and got engaged

[hoek]

He's the pastor of a small church (about 100 members). He's kind, considerate, and caring. He cleans up after himself. He treats me with respect. He's a great father to his child. He's responsible and financially independent. What's not to love?

Apparently something since my parents despise him.

They don't think he's a Good Christian (yes, capitalized on purpose) because a) he's marrying an atheist (that would be me), b) he had a child out of wedlock (he was 18, cut him some slack, he's been nothing but an excellent father to his son and has had some tough shoes to fill since his son's mother left when the child was 2 months old and hasn't written or called since), c) he's a democrat (Jesus is apparently a Republican), d) he's too liberal, e) his church is Episcopalian (my parents seem to dislike every denomination except pentecostal/charismatic since only those denominations have "it," whatever "it" is - and the church members like me, which apparently if they were Good Christians they wouldn't since I'm an atheist), and f) he doesn't think that he's the man and therefore he's right about everything (my father acts like this). Oh, and they're convinced that we're sleeping together even though we aren't, and nothing I can say can persuade them otherwise, which makes them dislike him even more.

Oddly enough, they loved my ex-fiance, who treated me horribly and was both emotionally and physically abusive. Of course they don't know everything that happened with him, but they know that he wasn't such a great guy. At least he was a Republican and was a member of their church, I guess.

I don't want to cause any more strife in my already-troubled relationship with my parents (we've not seen eye to eye since my beliefs changed), but I love this man and he has been nothing but kind to my family and to me. My parents told me that they could not give their approval on our forthcoming marriage but it'd be nice if they could learn to accept him and his son in their lives. They loved him when he was just a friend so I don't understand why they don't like him all of the sudden.

I'm not asking for prayers (as my faith icon attests), but if anyone has any advice or has just been in a similar situation and can sympathize...give me some encouragement here. All of my life I've tried to meet my parents' abnormally high expectations and it's not very easy letting go of my attempts to live my life to please them.

 

[goldenviolet]

you said you aren't asking for prayer, but i want to bless you and him in this situation. please don't be too annoyed with me.

this situation is very amazing. i don't think there is any advice you would understand, because a chirstian in this matter would give spiritual advice, and point out biblical truths. if i set this aside and try to help and identify with you, i'd say you should both go to premarital counselling together at another church. (it's usually free) what it is for, is to help couples understand the dinamics of their relationship's exspectation, responsibilties, and most importantly learn about eachother as individuals, men, woman, parents, beliefs, roles, etc., and prepare you both to communicate and be like-minded. there is huge changes that take place because of marriage. marrital counselling is really fun. it's all one big bonding exsperiance. look into it, even if it doesn't sound like you need it. it's not typical therepy, and everyone in my opinion should exsperiance it... so i'm not just saying this to you. i'm saying it to your situation.

my name is dee, may i ask some questions?

are you willing to give up your own beliefs/ non-belief to be a christian for your husband?

are you awear of the biblical responses to this situation?

have you heard of the book of Ruth from the bible? Ruth is a woman who left the gods she grew up with to marry and be a chirstian.

 

[goldenviolet]

i didn't address the situation about your parents, sorry. i wasn't thinking of everything you posted, just part. it sounds like you have some dysfunction in your family. i do too. alot of us do. so from that stand point, i give you a warmfuzzy. ...

there is no easy answer to solve this issue. but i can be here for you to talk to. first i'll say, God bless you (please don't be annoyed with me), because it is a difficult thing and causes difficult feelings; to feel tension and disapproval from parents. in God's family, we take on the roles that are missing in eachother's life. i'll be pleased to become as a parent or sister to you. just don't ask my age .

 

[LilLamb219]

Your parents apparently have some underlying issues. All their reasons for not liking your fiance are faulty. They are nit-picking especially in regards to denomination. Tell them that no one is a Good Christian because of the church they go to or what they do or don't do. Christ makes Good Christians because of his death on the cross. That should silent them a bit

Congratulations to you and your fiance. I hope you'll be attending his church services so you can hear the Word of God?

 

[dvd_holc]

First, congrats on getting engaged. It might be in some background of family issues, but it is good thing. Second and more importantly, he is a good guy who treats you well. It is important to marry a guy like that.

Well, the only advise I have for you and your parents is that get him around them and talking to him. It will most likely be best if they don't talk about theology right off...but I am sure it will come up. It is true that mainstream Christians lean to the right and certain things you said about him lean him to being liberal...that is problemly brought the two of you together...still, the debate will not bring your relationship together...but the live experiences. So then hopefully he will submit himself as a humble servent before them, and their hearts might be moved.


It is important though to understand...that were you parents come from and what the faith is...a Christian and non-Christian should not marry. The non-Christian can be devoted to living certain paraments that are similiar to our faith, but the marriage is itself a marriage of a person commited to living for God and sin...there would be a ongoing issues with that. As a Christian were are developing into a lifestyle of love and harmony with God by the hand of God. You are not commited to faith. So then...individually there are fundamental issues. And the marriage itself is a reflection of our relationship with God. So then, it is a marriage of Heaven and Hell which we percieve can't be...

 

[Fares]

I have dated alot of Girls, and all of them where from Good Homes : educated, respected and christians ! Yet my parents never ever liked one of those girls !

Its just how parents are, they will never think anyone is good enoguth for their daugther or son !
So all you can is just try to talk to them, be patient ( alot ), show them your point of view, respect their, invite them to meat your family, spend time together and even if that doesn work just love them !

My mother said to me : I dont like your new girlfriend !
I asked her why !
She said, I just dont like her ! lol !

 

[heron]

Lol! So typical! Parents worry for their kids, superimposing their own tough experiences.

Congratulations, Hoek!!!!

I agree, if you find a guy like this, you should hang onto him. If you left the door open for abusive guys like the last one, it would change your life.

In your parents' shoes, my first reaction would be fear that my daughter would lose all autonomy and freedom by being a pastor's wife. Pastor's wives are often expected to do a lot of work for free--counseling, teaching, throwing dinners, hosting guest speakers-- and not work outside the home. You don't have to follow this expectation, but you'll both come across resistance by parishioners insensitive about getting more for their buck.

Are you atheist, or just agnostic? If atheist, do you respect what your fiance is trying to accomplish with his career? Does he respect what you do?

My second reaction as a parent might be about complications of another woman's child in your life. The child will probably be fine; the woman might make things difficult for you.

The suggestion to use counseling will help you get a grip on some of these realities. Bring up as many practical things as you can in that environment. No matter how much you love someone, their involvement in your life will change what you do on a daily basis.

Democrat/Republican... lol, some of Jesus' teachings were so far left, they bordered on Communism. But let that one go--it'll just stir up resistance. (Watch it happen here.)

The Charismatics I've known have invested most of their waking moments into their faith. They know that they know... so when something questionable comes along, they jump to prevent it. The Episcopalians (sp?) I've known have loved their faith, loved their services, and been a little more flexible with daily life. I'm generalizing of course, and respect what goes on in both denominations...just mentioning a tendency.

You are an adult now. You've respected your parents for many years, but this is a time to make choices that determine where your life will head. I think this decision will put you in a better track than many others you could make.

Ask them as an adult if there's something they sense about him that they haven't put into words.Then hear them out, but stand on your own decisions.

​

 

[Davis]

Congradulations.

To me I think your parents need to look in the mirror and do some self evalutating. There being very judgemental and trying to act like they are superior christians which there is no such thing. Christ taught to love your enemies and your neighbors. Sounds to me that they should go back and read the Gospels. I think this is a great opportunity to hear and see what Christ is all about through your fiance. Congradulations again.

 

[GeorgeB]

Even though your not asking for it. I will keep you, your fiancee, and his son in my prayers. I have always said you can't please everyone. That is exactly what it means. If you truly love and care for him and him the same to you and he treats you well then that is all that really matters. Your family will come to love him again eventually. You sometimes have to follow your own heart and what it tells you. I wish you and your family all the best.