"So how's married life treating you" The response I usually get is...

[ImperialPhantom]

One of three things.

1: "Pretty good" (or something of the like) in a very unenthusiastic tone.
2: "Meh, it has its ups and downs"
3: "It's very hard work"

The body language is the key to all of these responses - it's usually just unenthusiastic, somewhat indifferent. I don't get it. Do people think that just because everything isn't perfect and happy-all-the-time-whee-clap-yer-hands, that their marriage sucks or they freak out cuz of it? I can honestly say that my response to the same question is just as enthusiastic whether my wife and I are in the happiest of times, or if we're in the middle of a fight. And even in the worst fights, neither of us have ever felt "meh" about being married to each other (or being together in general, before marriage included), and neither of us would ever trade it for anything in the world. I barely remember my life as a single man now. Marriage is going great whether we're all lovey-dovey or we're fighting, or if we're just hanging out in the living room on our computers, zoning out. It hasn't felt like "work". Are we just anomalies or something?

 

[Antje]

I don't feel "meh" about marriage, but I do feel pretty "meh" about answering the question. What's it supposed to mean anyway? It always feels to me like a rhetorical "How's it going?" kind of question. The kind of people who ask me that question are usually only acquaintances making small talk, and I just don't know what to say to people who aren't very invested in my life to begin with.

 

[moonkitty]

I don't feel "meh" about marriage, but I do feel pretty "meh" about answering the question. What's it supposed to mean anyway? It always feels to me like a rhetorical "How's it going?" kind of question. The kind of people who ask me that question are usually only acquaintances making small talk, and I just don't know what to say to people who aren't very invested in my life to begin with.

I agree, if someone isn't trying to make small talk with a question like that, then it could also be considered a very nosy question too. I tend to blow off that qestion as well, for 1) I usually don't feel like the person asking it really cares, or 2) they are just being too personal.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Oh puh-leeze. Many ask because, as people who are unmarried, they want to know, in a roundabout way, what they are in store for, and they want to know your opinion on marriage by how it's working for you and treating you because it will impact their view on marriage in general, and their enthusiasm for someday getting married.

Can we not derail my thread with opinions about personal dislike about this question? Not only do I consider the annoyance at such a question to be blatantly anti-social, but I started this thread with the intent to find the general consensus on one thing, not a whole other thing, and if this thread continues to go in such a direction, I'll have a mod close it.

 

[Antje]

Oh puh-leeze. Many ask because, as people who are unmarried, they want to know, in a roundabout way, what they are in store for, and they want to know your opinion on marriage by how it's working for you and treating you because it will impact their view on marriage in general, and their enthusiasm for someday getting married.

Can we not derail my thread with opinions about personal dislike about this question? Not only do I consider the annoyance at such a question to be blatantly anti-social, but I started this thread with the intent to find the general consensus on one thing, not a whole other thing, and if this thread continues to go in such a direction, I'll have a mod close it.

Okay...obviously you have misunderstood me. I assure you that I was not trying to be anti-social, nor was I trying to derail your thread. I was trying to honestly answer your question. You seemed to think that a lukewarm response indicated a lukewarm marriage, or at least you were confused about that point, and I was trying to clarify why someone with a fantastic marriage might still answer the question in a "meh" sort of way.

Perhaps there has been a misunderstanding. I do not feel "meh" about the question you posed to us CFers. I feel "meh" about the question "So, how's married life treating you?"

If I ever get the sense that someone really wants to know all about marriage, and if there is a pre-existing mutual trust between myself and that person, then I will not answer it in a "meh" way. But that happens about once in every 100 times I am asked the question, so that is a truly rare scenario in my experience.

 

[Million Pieces]

I've always wondered at that question. I mean, what are they expecting to hear? LOL I'm just waiting for the day that someone finally says, all straight faced, "it's horrible. I hate it, I wish we'd never done it."

So back to the topic... no, you are not anomalies. You are real. On average, real life marriages are not sunshine and roses every morning, and hot monkey sex every night. Real life marriages are mundane and common. And part of the reason that marriage doesnt' seem like "work" yet might be that you have not had to face any trial in it up to now. Health crisis, family crisis, children, major decision, anything like that. That's not anomalies, that's a blessing, really.

 

[sparassidae]

I tend to agree with Moonkitty and Antje, and just add that I tend to answer the same if the same question is asked about any subject (ie: how is parenting treating you, how is your job treating you, etc).

As they said, unless it is a close friend who has asked out of a genuine desire to know the ins and outs, I don't tend to gush on about it, but just answer with a "it's okay".

 

[Hadassah]

I'm with Antje and Moonkitty.

Back home, when people ask this to newly marrieds, it's usually followed with the, "So, is there a bun in the oven yet?" question.

It's folks being nosy and not truly interested. Family and good friends on the other hand will ask "So, how are you doing? You look tired, are you ok? Is everything with (name of SO) ok?" ...

My sister was asked soooooo many times every sunday by one really nosy old biddy how her married life was, that she answered (in church mind you) rather sarcastically about their sex life. After all, in a round about way, that IS what the old biddy was asking. She quit asking after that.

I'm really glad I haven't had to answer that question. I would answer if I knew they were truly interested and not just being nosy. I think most folks can tell though that things are rather well, and otherwise "common"... though we haven't had many of the hangups a lot of newly marrieds have had, as we have been together so long prior to being married and have mostly figured each other out.

 

[moonkitty]

Oh puh-leeze. Many ask because, as people who are unmarried, they want to know, in a roundabout way, what they are in store for, and they want to know your opinion on marriage by how it's working for you and treating you because it will impact their view on marriage in general, and their enthusiasm for someday getting married.

Can we not derail my thread with opinions about personal dislike about this question? Not only do I consider the annoyance at such a question to be blatantly anti-social, but I started this thread with the intent to find the general consensus on one thing, not a whole other thing, and if this thread continues to go in such a direction, I'll have a mod close it.

I do not believe anyone is deliberately trying to derail your thread. You asked a question, and we answered it honestly. For me I treat the question “How is married life treating you” the same way I treat the question “How are you?” It’s just a polite way of making small talk. The people asking either of the questions 9 out of 10 times really don’t want to know how I am or how my marriage is. I don’t know—maybe we were brought in different cultures—in other parts of the world questions like that are genuine inquires and would need a genuine response. But where I live, and where I was brought up a person responded to those questions with “I’m fine” or “good” or any other noncommittal response.

But if you really want to know the state of my marriage--then you being a stranger on the internet, and one who has shown himself to be a bit heavy handed in this thread I really do not trust you enough to really tell you much about my marriage other than yes, I do enjoy being married.

 

[Adamantium]

I don't feel "meh" about marriage, but I do feel pretty "meh" about answering the question.

What she said.

Where do people get off asking this sort of thing? And what sort of answer are they looking for? Surely they don't expect anything but a meaningless platitude in response?

 

[Adamantium]

Oh puh-leeze. Many ask because, as people who are unmarried, they want to know, in a roundabout way, what they are in store for, and they want to know your opinion on marriage by how it's working for you and treating you because it will impact their view on marriage in general, and their enthusiasm for someday getting married.

Can we not derail my thread with opinions about personal dislike about this question? Not only do I consider the annoyance at such a question to be blatantly anti-social, but I started this thread with the intent to find the general consensus on one thing, not a whole other thing, and if this thread continues to go in such a direction, I'll have a mod close it.

I'm sorry. I answered you before I read this post.

I'm kind of confused about what you want to know, honestly. So I'll answer what I now *think* you are asking.

I am very happy in my marriage. I love my husband like crazy. We do fight sometimes. We're both volatile personalities, and we're still learning each other's communication styles. I would imagine that as the years go by we'll get better at that, and thus we'll fight less.

So I guess I would say, if you were to approach me and ask me that question, my body language might not have anything to do with the state of my marriage, and everything to do with my feeling that you were prying.

Now, if I'm being asked by a single person, I certainly wouldn't realize it if their motivation was the one you ascribe. I guess I would expect that person to just come right out and ask me, "so, what kind of things can I expect when and if I get married myself? What should I know and what advice can you offer?" That, I would answer. At least, I would if I had time.

However, it has been my experience that the only people who ever ask me that question do it in passing, just like "How are you?" or something. They don't really want to know, which is excellent, because I don't really want to share with them.

I hope that gives you the answer you were looking for.

 

[Oblivious]

I don't see what the big deal is. <shrugs> People ask the question, and you answer honestly with either "great" or "not great". I think beyond that no one needs an explanation unless you choose to give them one.

 

[Redguard]

I think people tend to answer nonchalantly because they don't know exactly how much info to divulge or, in the case of newlyweds, they're just tired of being asked the question because it seems insincere and rhetorical.

 

[EmilyF]

I hate the question too (though I did ask it yesterday, but I really wanted to know). I find it's a small talk question that people don't want a long answer too. I don't think the response has anything to do with the happiness of the marriage.
That being said, marriage is pretty boring sometimes. You go to work, you come home, you go to church, you come home. You go do this or that you come home.

 

[charligirl]

Are we just anomalies or something?

No, you're just still newly weds

Long may it continue - but the reality is that a most successful marriages that last decades will be work at some point.

 

[snoochface]

I think people tend to answer nonchalantly because they don't know exactly how much info to divulge or, in the case of newlyweds, they're just tired of being asked the question because it seems insincere and rhetorical.

Yup.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I find the question pretty intrusive myself. I'm sorry if that's not the answer the OP is hoping for, but it's the best I can do. For me, the most likely answer would be something along the line of "none of your business." Barring that, I might shrug and say "fine," not wanting to discuss the topic any farther because after all, it really is none of their business.

 

[gracepaints]

What Red said.

I usually say, "Good" but I've never encountered anyone who actually seemed to want lots of exposition on "good" before. Maybe I have blown someone off like you have felt, IDK.

DH and I did have a young expectant couple ask us how parenthood was with these eager faces and we had NO idea who to start answering that question. "Great, terrifying, exhausting, amazing, and sometimes we get a little snippy with each other now"?

These aren't easy to answer questions, y'see.

 

[snoochface]

Personally, I think if someone really wants to know what they are "getting into" by marrying based on my own experiences, they can ask.

"Hey snooch, you've been married for a while now. Is it really as hard as they say?"

And I'm happy to expound.

But "How's married life treating you?" is a question on par with "How's life treating you?" No one really expects to hear about your rheumatism, job woes, and the poop-flinging monkey who nailed you at the zoo on Saturday. (Well, maybe the last one if it makes for a good story.)

 

[Redguard]

the poop-flinging monkey who nailed you at the zoo on Saturday.

I hate when that happens...