"So how's married life treating you" The response I usually get is...

[Adamantium]

Do people think that just because everything isn't perfect and happy-all-the-time-whee-clap-yer-hands, that their marriage sucks or they freak out cuz of it? I can honestly say that my response to the same question is just as enthusiastic whether my wife and I are in the happiest of times, or if we're in the middle of a fight. And even in the worst fights, neither of us have ever felt "meh" about being married to each other (or being together in general, before marriage included), and neither of us would ever trade it for anything in the world. I barely remember my life as a single man now. Marriage is going great whether we're all lovey-dovey or we're fighting, or if we're just hanging out in the living room on our computers, zoning out. It hasn't felt like "work". Are we just anomalies or something?

I think you're very blessed that your marriage has never felt like work. You're newlyweds, and that's part of why, but even some newlyweds don't have it as good as you two.

Also, and please believe me when I say that I do not mean this as an insult, you're young. I think that people tend to have a bit of hardening of the heart as they grow older, because of painful things that happen to all of us in life. Tragedies leave their mark. They make many people less able to feel extremes of emotion (sort of like calluses on the heart, I guess) and wary about sharing too much. Is this good? No, but it is reality for many people.

For instance, while I love my husband and even my dog very much, I do not, I'm sorry to say, love with complete abandon. That ability was broken in me long ago. I finally do understand what people mean when they say that love is an action and a choice rather than an emotion. I didn't understand that when I was 25.

I am genuinely happy to be married to my husband. I think God gave us to each other. He tries to make me feel cherished, and I try to make him feel like he's my hero. Because he does cherish me, and he is my hero, you know? But that doesn't mean that every day is easy. Sometimes we get in this mode where everything we say hurts the other one. We hate it when we do that, and we try to stop it as soon as we find ourselves sliding into it. It's work, but it's work that is worth doing. And even though it's work, pleasing him is still my pleasure and privilege. Does this make sense to you?

Having said all that, if somebody asks me how my marriage is going, they're not going to get more than a throw-away answer, because to me, it's a throw-away question.

 

[Redguard]

The other important thing about being able to answer the question with substance is that you have to go through certain relationship-testing experiences.

1. Buying a house together
2. Suffering through one spouse losing his/her job
3. (for some) going through pregnancy loss, having a child, raising a child, etc.
4. Being separated for a while due to work or family issues.

etc...

 

[Gods4me]

I hate this question.

personaly i dont feel any diffrenet. the ups and down were there befor ewe got married just now we can do things we couldnt when we werent marriedd which is great but really thats the only thing thats changed.

personaly i think people are askin about your sex life. casue nothing else for us has changed we spend every waken moment together now we spend the sleeping moments too. only night life has changed.

 

[Autumnleaf]

This question is like how is work going, how are the kids etc... Most people are just being polite and to be honest I'd rather not go over such things when I have other things on my mind. If you ask about how my marriage is going I'm hearing you say, 'Hi, what's up?' From there we can talk about things I care about. If you stopped and said, 'Hey AL, I'm wondering about getting married can you give me some tips?' Then I will stop and take your question seriously and answer it seriously.

 

[Chan1976]

And that would be my answer. Though I prefer "Fine." in a very unenthusiastic tone.

Actually, I answer it unenthusiastically because I feel like it's one of the vanilla questions people ask to make conversation... Much like conversation on the weather... Where the intent isn't some discouse on marriage, but an indication of moderate interest in a brief answer, and that's about it. Or because I feel the person is prying for gossip, hoping that will share some dirt on my marriage or husband.

That's how I feel about that question as well. I just don't see the need to elaborate anymore than answering questions such as, "How are you today?" I also try not to gush or sound overly enthusiastic if a single friend asks me that question, just in case he/she may think that I'm being insensitive.

 

[immersedingrace]

...Do people think that just because everything isn't perfect and happy-all-the-time-whee-clap-yer-hands, that their marriage sucks or they freak out cuz of it?...Are we just anomalies or something?

Since my original answer would echo everyone else's answer, I'll answer the EXACT questions you answered, though I suspect you wanted people to answer quite differently than they have.

No, I do not think most people think that their marriages suck or freak out because their marriages aren't perfect.

And no, you're not an anomaly, hubby and I feel similarly, though we've been married less than a year.

Having said that, the specific question your refer to is A) either a bland, common question that most people don't really expect a lengthy answer to and in that regard, you MAY be an anomaly for wanting more or B) is a nosey question that some one is using to get the "dirt" or inquire about someone's sex life. Very few people ask that question without one of those two above motives and when they do, it's usually to someone they're close to who wouldn't mind answering their questions in a private setting and not in passing.

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

As one of the "offenders" who sometimes asks this question, I am positively mortified that someone might think I am asking about their sex life.

This is not a question I ask of any married person - generally just those who are married for the first time, or after a long period of being single. It's more a question about how they are adjusting to the change from being single to being part of a whole separate entity "The Married Couple."

Since several of you, whom I think are fairly normal individuals, think it's a nosy question about your sex life I probably will not ever ask anyone again. Unless I'm really curious and want to live vicariously.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

^^

Let me point out that just because I find the question a bit intrusive doesn't mean I take it to be about sex. Married life is so much more than hey, now we get to have sex, and it isn't a sin.

But as a person who has experienced or witnessed marital difficulty--my own, and that of my mother and grandmother--well, married life in general is just not something I like to talk about with other people. I take it not as "How's your sex life?" but as "What have you been fighting about lately?" Still nosy.

 

[charligirl]

I don't think it's a normal question to married folk generally, nor to I take it to be about sex. I have asked it, but only to newlyweds - generally I am meaning, 'how's the transition? is it what you expected?'

I think if you go about asking couples who have been married a while you are inviting a blank/unenthusiastic response.

 

[Adamantium]

I don't think it's a normal question to married folk generally, nor to I take it to be about sex. I have asked it, but only to newlyweds - generally I am meaning, 'how's the transition? is it what you expected?'

And yet, if I thought someone was really asking about even this aspect, I'd be inclined to think it was none of their business. If my co-workers, for instance, ask me how my marriage is, I would have to bite down really hard to avoid telling them to get bent. About the only thing I'd be able to say and still remain professional would be an unenthusiastic "fine" with a sickly smile.

 

[whatisyourstory]

To the OP. The answer coming from someone who has only been married a few months is going to be greatly different from an answer coming from someone who has been married for many years.

Are we just anomalies or something?

Nope, you are newlyweds.

The response to this question really isn't any different to the response to "How are you". After you've been asked a bunch of times and realize that most likely the person asking really doesn't want to know the full story, you give a quick answer and go on with your day.

 

[Cordy]

I agree that the nonchalant answers are probably a response to the question itself, rather than the responding person's thoughts on their marriage.

 

[Gods4me]

some on asked me this question last week.
"hows married life?" i said its going good (while thinking about this theard)
he then said "its nothitng like you expected" and i had to answer witha puzzled look on my face "well its excatly what i thought i was going to be, its not diffrent to it was when we are dating. we practalyy lived together, we done everything together we went to college together we done our shopping together, the only thing is changed is that we get to sleep together. (in more ways thatn one)"

thats how my married ife is. its blood tough as anone who has been married knows. i feel like my marrage is hard work (so is every ones) but people asking htis question make me feel like im the only one who wants to pull mu hair out some days.

no marrge is perfect it takes work. if your married you know that so dont has how the marrge is ask how i am instead!

i just hate this quetion

 

[HuntingMan]

I don't feel "meh" about marriage, but I do feel pretty "meh" about answering the question.

Im agree with this post.
My marriage is fantastic but I dont always do a dance when answering questions about anything in my life, so dont expect much from my body language

 

[Katryna]

Depends on who is asking the question.

Besides, you're only 23. How many of life's storms and tough times have you and she weathered together? Of course it isn't "work" if you haven't had to "plow through" anything.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Depends on who is asking the question.

Besides, you're only 23. How many of life's storms and tough times have you and she weathered together? Of course it isn't "work" if you haven't had to "plow through" anything.

Really? Age has nothing to do with what people have been through.

 

[Gods4me]

Really? Age has nothing to do with what people have been through.

i agree

im 20 hubby is 23 and we have had tough times. you age has nothing to do with how much you have been through.

 

[£amb]

One of three things.

1: "Pretty good" (or something of the like) in a very unenthusiastic tone.
2: "Meh, it has its ups and downs"
3: "It's very hard work"

The body language is the key to all of these responses - it's usually just unenthusiastic, somewhat indifferent. I don't get it. Do people think that just because everything isn't perfect and happy-all-the-time-whee-clap-yer-hands, that their marriage sucks or they freak out cuz of it? I can honestly say that my response to the same question is just as enthusiastic whether my wife and I are in the happiest of times, or if we're in the middle of a fight. And even in the worst fights, neither of us have ever felt "meh" about being married to each other (or being together in general, before marriage included), and neither of us would ever trade it for anything in the world. I barely remember my life as a single man now. Marriage is going great whether we're all lovey-dovey or we're fighting, or if we're just hanging out in the living room on our computers, zoning out. It hasn't felt like "work". Are we just anomalies or something?

My husband and myself are coming up on our 19th anniversary. If someone asked me that question...which I have been asked...I tell them it's great!! Our marriage has always been rock solid even in the gravest of times. We know there is no escaping from each other...

In all marriages, there are challenges that come and that's when you feel the true "work" of the marriage kick in. I know in the 19 years, we've been through job losses, miscarriage, emergency C-section, near bankruptcy, moving from house to house, family deaths, serious car accidents, health issues. Those things were hard to deal with and we had to work at our marriage to not make the issue a selfish thing, but a "work through it together" thing. Maybe when someone gets asked that question, they are reflecting on the things they've been through and it shows in their body language. Who knows but themselves.

Good luck in your marriage and may you be blessed.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

*ROTFL*

I'm having flashbacks to when I was in my early 20s, and making the same argument.

I understand everyone is going to think that we are just making this up, but do you need to laugh? I mean c'mon, thats not the mature thing to do. In the time that DH and I have been together we have gone through death, car accidents, job loss, major financial difficulties, depression (still going through it), and so on. Yeah I know we've lived a lot less life then other people, but that doesn't mean we haven't been through some tough times, and I don't think laughing right in someone's face is the right way to go about things.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

I wasn't laughing at you or saying you hadn't been through tough times. I was laughing at the memories of when I was in my late teens, early twenties and was fighting the "age doesn't mean we've got less experience or not had tough times" battle. It just makes me laugh to think about it.

My apologies then for misunderstanding your intent