So depressed

[aangel]

I don't know what do anymore. Honestly, I don't know if I ever did. I'm not very good at being adult. I'm 24, I'll be turning 25 next month. No job, no license, & no friends (outside of family members). I'm stuck at home all the time. I think the last time I left the house was back in February for a dentist appointment. I'm struggling a lot with intrusive thoughts. They make me feel awful about myself and I haven't been able to talk to anyone about them. I tried explaining a little once without going into too many details but they didn't get it. I don't know if my family thinks I'm overly sensitive about things or chalk everything up to me being a worrier but there are times where I'm under so much mental anguish that I feel like I'm drowning. But nobody sees that and maybe part of me wants it that way. I don't know hearing my mom talk how overwhelmed and stressed she is all the time (my step dad passed away back in August and she's the sole breadwinner now; he had been really sick for years) makes me feel terrible. She has so much on her plate. We been having money problems since I was eleven. During my middle school years we lived in and out of extended stay motels and with family members. We had to leave first a house then an apartment. After a small stay in another extended stay place we moved into another house but we lost that too because my step dad ended up in jail a lot (dui and some other misdemeanors) and my mom couldn't keep up the rent. He use to blow through money. He wasn't able to leave her any money—we didn't even have enough money to bury him. He didn't take care of his health (diabetic, smoker,drinker, congestive heart failure, & etc) and because of that she was only able to get a small life insurance policy and that's dwindling down. She's stuck working at a job she hates and trying to get my special needs younger sister the care she needs.

My having problems feels like a huge inconvenience. She needs my help and it's not like I don't want to help but I'm scared all the time. I cry a lot since I'm at home alone most of the time. I'm barely functioning. I ruminate for hours at a time. I can barely read the bible or meditate. My motivation has plummeted. All those goals and dreams I had for myself have been stomped out. My mom she'll ask me occasionally what I want to do and I don't know anymore because it's like I have no room to even dwell on those things. So it's like I can't die. And no I'm not suicidal. My year long stint with health anxiety coupled with panic attacks last year attests to that. I really don't want to die. I've been afraid of death since I was three. But it's like I can't live either. I've been just existing since I was fifteen. So I ask God all the time where do I go or what I am suppose to do here. It doesn't seem like there's any place for me. I feel like I'm always begging him to help me it doesn't seem like anything's changing.

 

[Hieronymus]

Nobody i know is good at being adult.
At least you're not in denial.

 

[singpeace]

I don't know what do anymore. Honestly, I don't know if I ever did. I'm not very good at being adult. I'm 24, I'll be turning 25 next month. No job, no license, & no friends (outside of family member). I'm stuck at home all the time. I think the last time I left the house was back in February for a dentist appointment. I'm struggling a lot with intrusive thoughts. They make me awful about myself and I haven't been able to talk to anyone about them. I tried explaining a little once without going into too many details but they didn't get it. I don't know if my family thinks I'm overly sensitive about things or chalk everything up to me being a worrier but there are times where I'm under so much mental anguish that I feel like I'm drowning. But nobody sees that and maybe part of me wants it that way. I don't know hearing my mom talk how overwhelmed and stressed she is all the time (my step dad passed away back in August and she's the sole breadwinner now; he had been really sick for years) makes me feel terrible. She has so much on her plate. We been having money problems since I was eleven. During my middle school years we lived in and out of extended stay motels and with family members. We had to leave first an apartment then a house we were staying in because he ended up in jail a lot (dui and some other misdemeanors) and my mom couldn't keep up the rent. He use to blow through money. He wasn't able to leave her any money—we didn't even have enough money to bury him. He didn't take care of his health (diabetic, smoker, & drinker) and because of that she was only able to get a small life insurance policy and that's dwindling down. She's stuck working at a job she hates and trying to get my special needs younger sister the care she needs.

My having problems feels like a huge inconvenience. She needs my help and it's not like I don't want to help but I'm scared all the time. I cry a lot since I'm at home alone most of the time. I'm barely functioning. I ruminate for hours at a time. I can barely read the bible or meditate. My motivation has plummeted. All those goals and dreams I had for myself have been stomped out. My mom she'll ask me occasionally what I want to do and I don't know anymore because it's like I have no room to even dwell on those things. So it's like I can't die. And no I'm not suicidal. My year long stint with health anxiety coupled with panic attacks last year attests to that. I really don't want die. I've been afraid of death since I was three. But it's like I can't live either. I've been just existing since I was fifteen. So I ask God all the time where do I go or what I am suppose to do here. It doesn't seem like there's any place for me. I feel like I'm always begging him to help me it doesn't seem like anything's changing.

Dearest Angel,
The Lord knows and sees all that you are going through. He loves you like no one else. If it seems that He doesn't hear you or answer you, then know that right now He is showing you how much he does hear you and care about all your struggles.

Depression is a weight that you can literally feel in and on your body and soul. It has a purpose and that is to deprive you of all your energy and motivation. Depression is real, and it can strip you of every ounce of drive.

Because of your financial situation, I know it is difficult to find help. But God is good and He takes care of all of his daughters. There are resources for you although it must be difficult to find them because for so long you have been feeling your way along in the dark, just trying to survive. Don't give up Angel. You are precious and very important to the Kingdom of Heaven; if you weren't, you would not be having such a struggle. It is my belief that those who suffer when they are young are meant to later stand as soldiers and guardians for the body of Christ. Your scars will later mark you as a mighty warrior.

Father God, You are Abba, Pappa, Daddy. Please help us to know You this way. I pray Lord that You make Aangel know You as her personal and private Dad. Be the father she never really had. Comfort her and help her to find the resources she needs that will help her to pull herself up and walk straight; without the weight and heaviness of depression. Lord, I ask that You begin giving Aangel light-bulb moments; where she sees clearly something that has been hidden from her. Lord I pray please open Aangel's eyes and reveal the truth concerning all the mysteries she has been surrounded by.

Lord I pray that You send armies of messengers; of witnesses and sisters in Christ that will love her. Surround her with her own personal family of believers in Christ. Lead Aangel to a church where she will be welcomed immediately and taken in by brothers and sisters who are compelled to protect and help and guide Aangel toward a new life. Help Aangel to leave behind her the old musty stale existence she has known for so long.

I pray also for Aangel's mom, Lord. Bring her to a job she will love. Send your loving people to her and help her to find a new path and a new life of freedom from the bondage she has known. Cause her to know You and your love through Jesus Christ, your precious Son. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Aangel, I hope you will seek out a church where you can feel at home and content. Search for it. God will let you know when you have found the church for you because you will feel at peace there. It is so vital that you fill your life with people who care about you; that have the resources you need; that will love you and that will want to be in your life. You were never meant to be alone, and even in the presence of others, we can feel alone. Seek out and go get what you need to fill your life with light and love and friendship. God hears your heart; He knows your hurts and your wounds, and He wants to heal you completely - spiritually, mentally, and physically. You are loved.

 

[Jeshu]

Being depressed is an mental illness that you shouldn't blame yourself for, rather it is something we suffer. I have suffered from depression for a very long time and know how debilitating this illness is, the pits.

The first thing you need to realise that a lot of yourself image and your thoughts about the future are steeped in lies. Depression does that, its constant negativity twists our perspectives of ourselves and makes it bad.

The second thing you should realise is that the word of God can really help getting you out of trouble. I know you find it hard to read it - that is because the wicked using your illness to lie to you make you feel that God's word is boring or even accusing you of wrong through it so that you will not use its truths to fight your depressive thoughts.

This is how I have learned to deal with my depression - I test all my depressive thoughts and feelings past the truths of Scripture and if I see that my depression is lying to me then I disown such feelings and thoughts and confess them to God as wrong and let the truths of Scripture speak to my heart and mind instead and seek to find my reality in His truth.

For example when I was suicidally depressed I really struggled with hopelessness - then I read in the Bible that love, faith and hope remain - 1 Corintithains 13:13 - which makes hopelessness an untrue feeling/reality - I struggled with my hopeless thoughts and feelings and confessed them all to Christ and asked Him to grow His loving truth back into my heart - I did this until my hopeless thoughts and feelings began to die out - which took a long time because hopelessness was well fed in my heart and took a long time to starve. Also I hated myself a sinner and couldn't forgive myself my sins and shortcomings - I think much of my suicidal times was fuelled by this inner hate for myself - then I read in the bible that God loved us while we were still sinners, Romans 5:8, this really challenged me to learn to love and respect myself with the love that God had for me. It took me years to learn to love myself a sinners (and others) like God does but Jesus did grow it in my heart in the end.

I could give you many more examples where the Word of God and depression clash, and therefore urge you to resist not reading your bible, but rather to open it up whenever you are hurting and letting God help you out of the bind that you find yourself in. Read it as a personal address to your heart and know that the promises are for you who loves and suffers the wicked and God's judgements are on the wicked hurting you with their lies. You will soon begin to see what a liberation the truth of God truly is for someone who suffers from depression.

Be of very good courage.



To God's Depressed Child,

To think less of yourself then God's own
Brings you much pain and suffering.
Your worth is an incredible high price
Also for you did Jesus die on the cross.

Depression is also what devil's lies brings inside
letting a low-self-esteem your good life rob
Untruths roaming freely through heart and mind
Evil lies extinguishing all happiness and fun.

His loving truth brings you His good life
While to believe lies brings pain and grief
So hold onto the promises Jesus made to you
and don't let Satan your good life squander.

Take hold of God's precious loving truth.
A life in Him stays safe from lies that hurt.
Jesus' truth will comfort your bleeding heart
Lovingly remaking your fallen life anew.

 

[aangel]

Thanks guys for the response guys. I still feel really awful. I don't know it's been a long couple of weeks of up and down emotions. I just really want a break. Along with ignoring the intrusive thoughts I'm going to keep trying to reject the negatives ones especially the one that says "I can't do anything. I don't want to get up anymore." I think I'm going to read my bible a little before I go to bed. I'm definitely going to make appointment to my doctor soon.

 

[Noxot]

the worst evil thoughts i get atm I think are judgments of other people. it gets so old to feel evil and think evil when you don't want anything to do with it. the worst part is when I get overwhelmed, like, they are too strong or so loud that you almost just go with them. if it was up to me I would only have good things in me. in a way all the evils are helpful because they show me what i don't wanna be. sometimes I think that I should just stop trying to think for days and let the feelings and thoughts just be like white noise to me.

I delight dwelling with my hopes and dreams. I would suffer through all the evils in me for the rest of my life if I can be good and not partake of evil. I think that would make God happy. i hope for so much more too, impossible things. but I feel that maybe one of the most important things for me right now is to get out of myself, which is maybe why there are so many evils in me. so if I can run away from me I think I will run near God. all this evil makes me wish for destruction of myself, and I think that somehow I can be here but be gone with God. if I do anything in my life, I don't want it to be anything but to be with God.

and all I want is for the kingdom of God to be in this earth. I just want whatever a good spiritual life is and I feel that i have to feel that it is right for me, because I don't find any sense in doing something that I can't feel is what I should be or do. so in the normal life it gets old when I have to feel all the things people have to do to live when I feel that so much of it is only done because they don't have anything better to do, so they made life harder and more complex than it has to be. I hope that i will be as carefree as Jesus seemed to be, i hope to be nothing but a pure spirit who is soaked in God.

 

[Jeshu]

the worst evil thoughts i get atm I think are judgments of other people. it gets so old to feel evil and think evil when you don't want anything to do with it. the worst part is when I get overwhelmed, like, they are too strong or so loud that you almost just go with them. if it was up to me I would only have good things in me. in a way all the evils are helpful because they show me what i don't wanna be. sometimes I think that I should just stop trying to think for days and let the feelings and thoughts just be like white noise to me.

I delight dwelling with my hopes and dreams. I would suffer through all the evils in me for the rest of my life if I can be good and not partake of evil. I think that would make God happy. i hope for so much more too, impossible things. but I feel that maybe one of the most important things for me right now is to get out of myself, which is maybe why there are so many evils in me. so if I can run away from me I think I will run near God. all this evil makes me wish for destruction of myself, and I think that somehow I can be here but be gone with God. if I do anything in my life, I don't want it to be anything but to be with God.

and all I want is for the kingdom of God to be in this earth. I just want whatever a good spiritual life is and I feel that i have to feel that it is right for me, because I don't find any sense in doing something that I can't feel is what I should be or do. so in the normal life it gets old when I have to feel all the things people have to do to live when I feel that so much of it is only done because they don't have anything better to do, so they made life harder and more complex than it has to be. I hope that i will be as carefree as Jesus seemed to be, i hope to be nothing but a pure spirit who is soaked in God.

Amen Brother. All I want is God's Kingdom to rule this earth as well as my whole heart, so that all wrong within me will have died out and only good remains. No more struggle - just Victorious in Christ. An ex-sinner saved from sin along with everybody else.

Revelation 22:20-21
He who testifies to these things says, “Surely I am coming quickly.”

Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus!


The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.

 

[Zandy12]

Being depressed is an mental illness that you shouldn't blame yourself for, rather it is something we suffer. I have suffered from depression for a very long time and know how debilitating this illness is, the pits.

The first thing you need to realise that a lot of yourself image and your thoughts about the future are steeped in lies. Depression does that, its constant negativity twists our perspectives of ourselves and makes it bad.

The second thing you should realise is that the word of God can really help getting you out of trouble. I know you find it hard to read it - that is because the wicked using your illness to lie to you make you feel that God's word is boring or even accusing you of wrong through it so that you will not use its truths to fight your depressive thoughts.

This is how I have learned to deal with my depression - I test all my depressive thoughts and feelings past the truths of Scripture and if I see that my depression is lying to me then I disown such feelings and thoughts and confess them to God as wrong and let the truths of Scripture speak to my heart and mind instead and seek to find my reality in His truth.

For example when I was suicidally depressed I really struggled with hopelessness - then I read in the Bible that love, faith and hope remain - 1 Corintithains 13:13 - which makes hopelessness an untrue feeling/reality - I struggled with my hopeless thoughts and feelings and confessed them all to Christ and asked Him to grow His loving truth back into my heart - I did this until my hopeless thoughts and feelings began to die out - which took a long time because hopelessness was well fed in my heart and took a long time to starve. Also I hated myself a sinner and couldn't forgive myself my sins and shortcomings - I think much of my suicidal times was fuelled by this inner hate for myself - then I read in the bible that God loved us while we were still sinners, Romans 5:8, this really challenged me to learn to love and respect myself with the love that God had for me. It took me years to learn to love myself a sinners (and others) like God does but Jesus did grow it in my heart in the end.

I could give you many more examples where the Word of God and depression clash, and therefore urge you to resist not reading your bible, but rather to open it up whenever you are hurting and letting God help you out of the bind that you find yourself in. Read it as a personal address to your heart and know that the promises are for you who loves and suffers the wicked and God's judgements are on the wicked hurting you with their lies. You will soon begin to see what a liberation the truth of God truly is for someone who suffers from depression.

Be of very good courage.



To God's Depressed Child,

To think less of yourself then God's own
Brings you much pain and suffering.
Your worth is an incredible high price
Also for you did Jesus die on the cross.

Depression is also what devil's lies brings inside
letting a low-self-esteem your good life rob
Untruths roaming freely through heart and mind
Evil lies extinguishing all happiness and fun.

His loving truth brings you His good life
While to believe lies brings pain and grief
So hold onto the promises Jesus made to you
and don't let Satan your good life squander.

Take hold of God's precious loving truth.
A life in Him stays safe from lies that hurt.
Jesus' truth will comfort your bleeding heart
Lovingly remaking your fallen life anew.

Thanks Jeshu. This is actually made me feel better lol very inspirational. It is very hard to see things clearly when you are dealing with a deep dark mental illness and a lot of problems like what aangel is going through. So I understand where she is coming from. Hey aangel, I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am going through bouts of depression as well. I am terribly sorry for the pain and circumstances you are going through. I will pray for you in that you will feel more at ease in your place. Please do the same for me as well.

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

I feel I could have wrote this...

I know what you mean about not feeling like an adult..im 24 , dont have my license.. I feel like a butterfly trapped its cocoon..desperately trying to break free..

I wish the transition to adulthood was easier for me like it is for other people.