So confused..

[ThisIsMyLife]

Hi all- I'm new here, just wandered in durring the storm I suppose, and I need advice (dont we all?) My husband and I have been together for 10 years- since we were kids. We married at 18, moved in together, and spent the first six months of our lives in incredibly happy bliss.

Then, he was sent to Iraq. For 18 months, we were seperated; but I supported him and we talked as often as we could and tried to keep stress away. About a year into the deployment I got sick (I was diagnosed with cancer, then three months later diagnosed with schizophrenia) and our lives started to unravel. Because of the schizophrenia I pushed church, family and friends away and let things get out of control. I didnt pay bills, take care of the house, I lied to my husband when he asked how I was. After I was diagnosed and came home, we began to try to fix the marriage. I went through something similar to what an alcoholic does; for the first three months I begged forgivness from everyone that I had wronged, my family, friends, church, God, and myself. I couldn't take it back but with God and therapy I could make it so I would not do it again. Everyone forgave me; except my husband. he was angry, and unbelievably hurt and alone, and became very distant and verbally/emotionally abusive. For two years we tried counsling, but every time that someone would tell him the way he was handling his anger was unexceptable, or if a christian counsler reminded him that he must forgive to begin to heal, he must let go of his pride/selfishness and accept the illness, he would leave and refuse to come back. Finally, we seperated into different households. We continued therapy for a while; but seven months into the seperation he decided he didn't want to go to counsling or church with me anymore, and he was ready to file for divorce. That was about a month ago. In the meantime I have continued counsling, church and therapy.

I have never really believed in divorce. I never saw myself here, especially not with my husband, someone that to this day I love so purely. When we do talk, there is so much hurt, and overwhelming sadness underlying everything we say it would just break your heart.

Part of me wants to lie this at God's feet, because I understand that my husband has to open his eyes and begin to forgive me before we can heal. Without that there is nothing but hurt and anger. But at the same time, I want to argue and fight with him for my marriage. I dont want to sign papers. I want to contest. I want to refuse.

But what can I do when he refuses help?

Sorry this is so long...but thanks for reading my novel

 

[Gimpy]

Your story is so sad. I pray for you and your husband. I do believe you should contest the divorce only because you do not want a divorce and you do want your marriage to work as you probably vowed to God. He really should forgive you.
I would like to ask you, though, what he is so angry about. Is it the schizophrenia or some other thing or things you did to anger him? Some things are more difficult to forgive than others, as you already know. Perhaps he needs time to heal. I do suggest you stay in prayer and let God do His work in his heart.
This is my view. I am sure you have heard it before. I wish I could make it alright for you now, but unfortunately I cant. I will pray for you.

 

[ThisIsMyLife]

I would like to ask you, though, what he is so angry about. Is it the schizophrenia or some other thing or things you did to anger him? Some things are more difficult to forgive than others, as you already know. Perhaps he needs time to heal.

Truer words have never been spoken. Some things are much, much more difficult to forgive then others. In the time period that I was sick, I pushed everyone away due to paranoia and dilusions. I did not pay bills, I allowed our home to fall into disrepair, I lied to him about how I was doing and what I was doing, I couldn't work, most days I couldn't get out of bed. I was also diagnosed with cancer, and went through the surgery without telling anyone. I completely and utterly allientated him when he was 3000 miles away, in a horrible situation himself. Yes, I supported him and sent him letters and packages and I did not have an affair, and I was there every time he had a pass or came home, but I basically let our lives unravel. The day after he came home, I was lost in a very, very, deep dillusion and I attempted suicide. I was hospitalized for several weeks where I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I believed with everything in me that if I took my own life, everything that I had done wrong would reverse itself; all the people that I had hurt would be whole. I almost died. My husband was there, he actually slept with me in the hospital bed in ICU the two nights I was in ICU... and when I got out he swallowed all his anger and his resentment and his hurt and tried to help me, held me when I heard voices and tried not to be hurt by all the little things I had done. Keeping in mind that we had never had a problem before. Since I've been medicated and working to correct the inbalence I have never done anything like these things again. I have been so, so careful and worked so hard. But after about three months of swallowing anger, he began to lash out. Constantly. He would swear at me, call me names, hit walls and break things. He never actually hit me but would get in my face and scream and push. This went on for almost 2 years. I kept saying that eventually he would let it go and we could move on, we went to counsling, therapy, church everything, but he would stop going after a few visits. He told me he believed mental illness was a character flaw, not a disease--and refused to talk to my doctors or go to a family support group. I was also dealing with finding out I could not have children; to his absolute credit he was an angel about that, it never fazed him except for the pain it put me through.

The seperation was my idea because he became more violent and it got to the point I was physcially scared of him. His mood swings were so severe, he could be loving one minute and the next I was a stupid fat cow that ruined his life (usually screamed at 7 decibles 3 inches from my face). I asked him to move out, so that we could work on our marriage from seperate corners. Come together, meet, go to church, go back to our own homes. He hated and fought it at first, then grew to understand and came back to counsling, and then all of a sudden out of the blue about a month ago, he filed for divorce.

I've been fighting so hard for this. Since he left Ive been recovering faster, I've been healing and doing so much better... I've felt healthier. And God has granted me peace from prayer, even if I don't have my husband... I just feel sad and bewildered instead of hurt, angry and abandoned. I want him to be happy, I want to be happy, and I want to obey my vows.

I suppose the problem is how long is time to heal? I thought in the beginning that no matter how long it took I would stick it out, because I understand how bad I hurt him. But two years later, he had become so abusive I was scared to come home, and I was beginning to relapse. He didn't believe in divorce either, I think he never would have filed for divorce if I hadn't been the one to ask for the seperation. Did I make the wrong choice, should I have stuck it out even if he was hurting me so bad?

Sorry again that this is so long, I really need to learn when to stop lol.....

 

[imaniingod]

You should see some of my posts, they are longer. Well Sister I have a lot of friends that are in the military. Having a mate that can be there for your while you in Iraq and aftercare is needed. Your husband is hurting right now, he mentioned divorce but I admonish you to lay it all at the Master's feet. He is the only one that can heal the hurt and the pain, you must go to church, counseling and therapy for yourself not for your husband, it is for you and stop talking about your situation and concentrate on getting yourself well. God is the answer for whatever you are going through, seek ye first the kingdom of God and God will come in and sup with you and will see you through!

 

[imaniingod]

Was he in the Marine Corps? My ex husband was very abusive to me. I have thought about suing the Marine Corps for the abuse I went through. The Military effects some men in a violent way and since they are yelled at instead of coming home and enjoying their mate they take the frustration out on their wives.

 

[imaniingod]

Father we ask that you watch over your dear child and we cancel ever assignment of the enemy. She is the head and not the tail, she is more than conqueror, she is a child of the most high God! We stand in agreement that she would open her heart to you completely and feel your presence so that she will know that you have it all in control. We thank you right now and praise your holy name for you are worthy!
In the mighty name of Jesus we pray! Amen!

 

[imaniingod]

Sister,
This separation is good because violence is not acceptable no matter what, was said or done that is never an option. His being physically abusive to you may be the reason why he wants the divorce because of his guilt;but no one deserves to be abused. I was abused for years and I had the wrong people around me because they told me to stop making him angry. God delivered me after he tried to take my life, I stayed with him until I got the courage to leave and I am so much happier now. God Bless You and I will continue to pray for you.

 

[deliciousBass]

Oh boy. I really should be doing work but, I can't get back to work before replying to this.

I just want to say that I feel for you and your husband. I was in the military for about 5 years and went to Iraq and all that good stuff and I know how just hearing the news alone that "you're deploying" can by itself make your life seem like it's unraveling. It is so stressful for both the deployed and left behind!

It sounds like you and your husband have lived very different lives the last few years so I will give my 2 cents on each of your situations.

First your husband--You say that you guys have known eachother since you were kids and I'm sure your husband thought he knew you. To me it sounds like your husband feels you betrayed him. He counted on you to be a "rock" in his life and when he saw that you hadn't been his "rock" when he needed you during the deployment, that it was all a facade, It sounds like that was too much for him to take. He probably feels resent towards you because there he was, "holding it together" in the sandbox...and you were in the comfort of the US and couldn't (the funny part is that it's often just as bad for those left behind as those deployed but in different ways)... Would it be a reach to say that maybe he thinks you guys were living a lie?

Anyway, what I just said is actually my smallest concern. I think your husband has PTSD and I think it's manifested itself pretty well in him. The mood swings and all that sound very familiar to my situation when I first came back from the Mid-east. I was very bitter and lashed out to people. I had a lot of hate in my heart. I understand the problems that you and him are having as a couple. But first I think that your husband should seek help alone. His inability to forgive might just be a symptom of a bigger problem....

Now you....I think you have come to terms with the problems you've had and you say you've been recovering pretty fast so that's good. You asked if it was the right decision to separate and based on the information you've given, I think it was. You say that he got in your face and pushed and that sounds like the start of the "cycle of violence". Things could've gotten much worse. He could've gotten really violent or you could've relapsed or both. Now don't get me wrong, I don't believe in divorce either except in certain circumstances, but separations can be a useful time where you are allowed to heal and reflect without the distractions of your spouse.

Now the hard part is that he has filed for divorce, up until then, you probably felt like you had some hope of salvaging your marriage. But really, once 1 player quits, the whole game is over isn't it? God gave him free will and there's nothing you can do if he wants out. Even if your marriage was the picture-perfect, leave it to beaver type of affair, if one person is determined to get out, nothing can stop them in this country.

So really what can you do? We don't own eachother. We are all God's children. All you can do is pray, treat your husband as a friend, don't beg for him back, he doesn't need your help in making up his mind. Give him the freedom to realize he's making a mistake. And if he doesn't, realize that it's because God has something different planned for you...

 

[imaniingod]

Oh boy. I really should be doing work but, I can't get back to work before replying to this.

I just want to say that I feel for you and your husband. I was in the military for about 5 years and went to Iraq and all that good stuff and I know how just hearing the news alone that "you're deploying" can by itself make your life seem like it's unraveling. It is so stressful for both the deployed and left behind!

It sounds like you and your husband have lived very different lives the last few years so I will give my 2 cents on each of your situations.

First your husband--You say that you guys have known eachother since you were kids and I'm sure your husband thought he knew you. To me it sounds like your husband feels you betrayed him. He counted on you to be a "rock" in his life and when he saw that you hadn't been his "rock" when he needed you during the deployment, that it was all a facade, It sounds like that was too much for him to take. He probably feels resent towards you because there he was, "holding it together" in the sandbox...and you were in the comfort of the US and couldn't (the funny part is that it's often just as bad for those left behind as those deployed but in different ways)... Would it be a reach to say that maybe he thinks you guys were living a lie?

Anyway, what I just said is actually my smallest concern. I think your husband has PTSD and I think it's manifested itself pretty well in him. The mood swings and all that sound very familiar to my situation when I first came back from the Mid-east. I was very bitter and lashed out to people. I had a lot of hate in my heart. I understand the problems that you and him are having as a couple. But first I think that your husband should seek help alone. His inability to forgive might just be a symptom of a bigger problem....

Now you....I think you have come to terms with the problems you've had and you say you've been recovering pretty fast so that's good. You asked if it was the right decision to separate and based on the information you've given, I think it was. You say that he got in your face and pushed and that sounds like the start of the "cycle of violence". Things could've gotten much worse. He could've gotten really violent or you could've relapsed or both. Now don't get me wrong, I don't believe in divorce either except in certain circumstances, but separations can be a useful time where you are allowed to heal and reflect without the distractions of your spouse.

Now the hard part is that he has filed for divorce, up until then, you probably felt like you had some hope of salvaging your marriage. But really, once 1 player quits, the whole game is over isn't it? God gave him free will and there's nothing you can do if he wants out. Even if your marriage was the picture-perfect, leave it to beaver type of affair, if one person is determined to get out, nothing can stop them in this country.

So really what can you do? We don't own eachother. We are all God's children. All you can do is pray, treat your husband as a friend, don't beg for him back, he doesn't need your help in making up his mind. Give him the freedom to realize he's making a mistake. And if he doesn't, realize that it's because God has something different planned for you...

Wonderful pearls of wisdom

 

[ThisIsMyLife]

First your husband--You say that you guys have known eachother since you were kids and I'm sure your husband thought he knew you. To me it sounds like your husband feels you betrayed him. He counted on you to be a "rock" in his life and when he saw that you hadn't been his "rock" when he needed you during the deployment, that it was all a facade, It sounds like that was too much for him to take. He probably feels resent towards you because there he was, "holding it together" in the sandbox...and you were in the comfort of the US and couldn't (the funny part is that it's often just as bad for those left behind as those deployed but in different ways)... Would it be a reach to say that maybe he thinks you guys were living a lie?

Anyway, what I just said is actually my smallest concern. I think your husband has PTSD and I think it's manifested itself pretty well in him. The mood swings and all that sound very familiar to my situation when I first came back from the Mid-east. I was very bitter and lashed out to people. I had a lot of hate in my heart. I understand the problems that you and him are having as a couple. But first I think that your husband should seek help alone. His inability to forgive might just be a symptom of a bigger problem....

You've hit the nail on the head- That's what he's always said that the one time he needed me to be the strong one I failed; this is something that I have had to come to grips with myself and it took me a long, long time to move on from that. To this day, the fact that I was unable to be healthy for him, strong for him kills me. At first when this started I was confused and hurt because of what I had gone through; being left behind was bad enough, as you said it is it's own form of deployment as we are constantly under pressure wondering where they are, if they are safe, if they were in the convoy that was just on the news-not hearing from them for 3 months all of a sudden. Dreading every unknown car that pulls into the neighborhood. I have told him that I understand this and that I am so, so sorry for hurting him. It's like he doesnt hear me, he's just so betrayed. It was like having the carpet jerked out from under him, and then he had to come home and take care of me.

As for the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome-- I 100% agree, and so do several of the therapists we saw. Unfortunatly, my husband does not believe in mental illness including situational depression or PTSS, and believes that he can handle it on his own. This is the pride issue I was talking about- No one has ever been able to convince him to seek help on his own, and our joint sessions always end when the therapist recommends individual for him or tells him he has an anger problem.

The worst part of this is knowing how bad he hurts, and not being able to do anything about it. It's so frustrating because I want to just grab him and shake him to snap him out of it. I've told him I don't care how long it takes, 10 years, 15 years etc, I'd be willing to help him through it, as long as he helps himself. He just hasn't made that first step.

Thank you all for your very kind words and prayers, it does my soul good....

 

[deliciousBass]

You've hit the nail on the head- That's what he's always said that the one time he needed me to be the strong one I failed; this is something that I have had to come to grips with myself and it took me a long, long time to move on from that. To this day, the fact that I was unable to be healthy for him, strong for him kills me. At first when this started I was confused and hurt because of what I had gone through; being left behind was bad enough, as you said it is it's own form of deployment as we are constantly under pressure wondering where they are, if they are safe, if they were in the convoy that was just on the news-not hearing from them for 3 months all of a sudden. Dreading every unknown car that pulls into the neighborhood. I have told him that I understand this and that I am so, so sorry for hurting him. It's like he doesnt hear me, he's just so betrayed. It was like having the carpet jerked out from under him, and then he had to come home and take care of me.

As for the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome-- I 100% agree, and so do several of the therapists we saw. Unfortunatly, my husband does not believe in mental illness including situational depression or PTSS, and believes that he can handle it on his own. This is the pride issue I was talking about- No one has ever been able to convince him to seek help on his own, and our joint sessions always end when the therapist recommends individual for him or tells him he has an anger problem.

The worst part of this is knowing how bad he hurts, and not being able to do anything about it. It's so frustrating because I want to just grab him and shake him to snap him out of it. I've told him I don't care how long it takes, 10 years, 15 years etc, I'd be willing to help him through it, as long as he helps himself. He just hasn't made that first step.

Thank you all for your very kind words and prayers, it does my soul good....

I have to say, and I hope this doesn't come out wrong...but you seem like a pretty smart girl with a good head on her shoulders. You seem to have your priorities straight and have been doing everything "right" since all your problems started.

I guess what I'm trying to say or give is assurance. I think you are doing a good job. That being said, it's not really in your hands anymore.

It would be cool if there were someway someone whom he respects or maybe a fellow servicemember who has suffered from PTSD and has had it treated could talk to him. He seems to have some pretty wild ideas about mental illness...sounds like a conspiracy theorist He needs to learn that if he doesn't pray or seek counsel about this, that it will reach out into the future. You can't run away from it....

Anyway, I have a gut feeling that it's not just his PTSD that is causing a lot of this. I think that he's blaming some of his problems on you if that makes any sense. I think it's called displacement. How old is he? If he's your age he might just be trying to find a way out to live out his 20's like a single guy would...anyway just some thoughts....It would be pretty cool if we could hear his side of the story.

Well, regardless of what happens, like I said before, you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and have your priorities straight so I think you will be fine. Hehe, there's a lot more I would like to add to that but I'll leave it at that.

I hope that posting here helps. It has helped me, you will find that there is always someone here who can relate even just a lil' bit. But every lil' bit helps doesn't it?

 

[ThisIsMyLife]

I hope this doesn't come out wrong...but you seem like a pretty smart girl with a good head on her shoulders.

LOL Why would that come out wrong? I appreciate it; it took me a long time to understand a lot of this stuff. It's refreshing to be understood.

I think that he's blaming some of his problems on you if that makes any sense. I think it's called displacement.

Yup. We've talked about this too; I think he takes the things he doesn't like about himself and pushes it on me--he was severly hypocritical and got to the point where the things he said were so ridiculous it would make your jaw drop.

He is 23 as well, and for a while I did think it was just him wanting to live out his 20s single; get away from marriage and a mortgage. I think he got a bit of a system shock when he came home and realized he was all grown up (LOL). But, it's been 7 months and he isn't dating or doing any of the things I would expect him to do if that were the situation. We've been together our whole lives; Iraq was our first seperation and this is our second, so I don't know if it really fits.

Hehe, there's a lot more I would like to add to that but I'll leave it at that.

Hey now! Cant say something like that and then leave it! You've intrigued me, do tell- even if you have to email me lol.

And yes, posting does help, even if it just helps to organize my thoughts

Thanks all

 

[deliciousBass]

Okay, you asked for me to elaborate and so I will.

I said that you seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders. I had more to add to it but it's more of my personal feelings and opinions and I like to stick to the subject on the forums. I like to be objective but in your case I can't help but be subjective. I'm gonna follow my heart and tell you what's on mah mind hehe.

I guess what I was trying to say is that your husband is very lucky to have you. It's sad that he can't appreciate you. Even though you didn't live up to his expectations (and really, he shouldn't be so hard on you because you are only human) in a way, because of that, you are more prepared than ever to live with his shortcomings. You've dealt with/are dealing with severe depression, and schizophrenia, and attempted suicide. I'm sure you know plenty about mental illness now. You know enough to realize that he needs help and you've been trying to help him.

Would you have been so caring and loving had you not gone through such tough times yourself ? I don't think so...tough times shape you...You are in the unique position to provide your husband with the exact kind of support and love he NEEDS during a time like this. But like I said before...doesn't sound like he appreciates it. You don't know what you got 'til it's gone and he will regret his choice.

I think you understand his situation extremely well. So many men and women in the divorce and separated forums would love to have a spouse that understands them like you do. Your situation really saddens me because here you are, being understanding and loving your spouse, you've done everything right and you want to restore your marriage. And yet, YOU are the one who wants HIM back. You get what I'm saying? You're not the one who screwed up big time...HE has for failing to not WANT to understand his wife and for being emotionally abusive and for not controlling his temper. From the sound of it, your only mistake was being weak during a time that EVERYONE is weak!!! HE should be begging for YOU back!!!!

Bleh, I'm sorry if this all seems like a jumbled up mess to you, it's hard to put into words. I could say it a lot better than type it =P.

I guess the gist of what I'm trying to say is don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like you've been a great wife and it's not your fault things turned out this way. I know that it's hard to take in, but if there's one thing I want to say is...you deserve better than this. You've gone out of your way to love an unlovely person and that says a lot about your character. It says that you believe love is a choice...and that...along with putting God first in your lives, is the cornerstone of a healthy marriage.

I honestly believe that if your husband doesn't return..God has something much much much better in store for you. You have been loyal and faithful to your husband through the good times and the bad. And in fact, even when you were doing wrong things, you hid them from your husband to protect him during the deployment. He had enough things to worry about. You are an admirable person and please don't ever think for a second that your honorable spirit has gone unnoticed. I noticed .

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

I did not pay bills, I allowed our home to fall into disrepair, I lied to him about how I was doing and what I was doing, I couldn't work, most days I couldn't get out of bed.

I was also diagnosed with cancer, and went through the surgery without telling anyone. I basically let our lives unravel. The day after he came home, I was lost in a very, very, deep dillusion and I attempted suicide. I was hospitalized for several weeks where I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

But after about three months of swallowing anger, he began to lash out. Constantly. He would swear at me, call me names, hit walls and break things. He never actually hit me but would get in my face and scream and push. This went on for almost 2 years.

He told me he believed mental illness was a character flaw, not a disease--and refused to talk to my doctors or go to a family support group.


The seperation was my idea because he became more violent and it got to the point I was physcially scared of him. His mood swings were so severe, he could be loving one minute and the next I was a stupid fat cow that ruined his life (usually screamed at 7 decibles 3 inches from my face). I asked him to move out, so that we could work on our marriage from seperate corners. Come together, meet, go to church, go back to our own homes. He hated and fought it at first, then grew to understand and came back to counsling, and then all of a sudden out of the blue about a month ago, he filed for divorce.

Since he left Ive been recovering faster, I've been healing and doing so much better... I've felt healthier. And God has granted me peace from prayer

I think he never would have filed for divorce if I hadn't been the one to ask for the seperation. Did I make the wrong choice,

You had surgery for cancer and didn't tell anybody?
Schizophrenia is a scary and unnerving reality to many
and I believe especially to those that view "mental Illness"
as a character flaw. He left a "normal" wife that in many ways
became a completely different person after he left.
I can't understand his experiences during deployment but
did serve in the Marine Corps for a time (a long time ago)
and understand to some degree what a man faces and the things
he has to keep to himself.
I too used to believe mental illness was a character flaw.....
until I had to deal with severe depression (a current problem)
and saw it in a different light.
I was a lot like him (minus the spousal violence stuff) and as
I've matured and faced more hurt than I ever expected in this life
I've become more understanding and compassionate of others
"issues".
I'd have to say though that it took until my thirties for me to
see things differently than I did in my teens and twenties.
I'm glad you've found a sense of peace in waiting on the Lord.

 

[imaniingod]

Father we come to you this day, asking for direction and guidance from on high. Father you know what we have need of and we come to intercede for our dear sister, encamp your ministering angels about her and touch and heal her mind. She is like the woman at the well and she needs a WELL EXPERIENCE. Father we ask that your living water will spring up in her a new life and more knowledge of you! In the mighty name of Jesus! Amen and Amen