Smug Marrieds!

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Ok, I stole a line from Bridget Jones - is that allowed?

Before I start - I'm all for marriage, I WANT to get married, and I think it's a great institution

10 couples at my church are getting married at my church this year - 8 have had the wedding all ready, 2 left to go (we keep asking the minister what he put in the water)...

Now, they're all going around with that 'smug' look on their face and it drives me nuts. They act all superior, and better than us, just cos they chose to get married a lot quicker than the rest of us. There's become this big division between the 'marrieds' and the 'singles' and it's not nice.

I'm the only girl now over 21 not married in our church, and I feel a bit left out. I don't really feel connected anymore. The married couples look at me and my boyfriend, and act like our relationship isn't real, and won't be until we're married, and the unmarrieds are still all teenagers and we don't have all that much in common.

I guess I'm just sick of all the conversations with the girls being about dresses and hair, and shoes and makeup and reception centres, and was looking forward to all that being over and done with so that conversations could improve past 'the wedding day fiascos'...

Now they're married, they've all grouped together and talk about how great the sex is, and how nice it is being awoken by their hubby, and marital issues - yada yada yada. Now, it's not a bad thing, but it's not something I can join in anymore.

I've been engaged before, and I've had sex (naughty!), so a lot of the stuff they talk about, I know a fair bit about, and feel I could add some weight and good discussion to the group - however my opinions seem to be excluded when it comes to relationships because 'oh you've not been married, you wouldn't understand!'

Just cos I'm unmarried does not mean I don't know about setting up a house, having a problem with intimacy, all that stuff.

I just feel pushed to the side and like I don't mean anything to the friends I once had.

My SO and I are still in early days - we've been together for ages, but not as a serious couple. Now that we're heading that way, everyone keeps saying the 'M' word - and we're not ready. I'm going OS for a year in 2006, and he's got a lot more to do before he's ready to settle down.

I just feel alone!

Sasch

 

[Pope Gonzo]

Well, as not fun as it is to hear it, maybe they're right. Remember how frustrating it was in junior high and high school when people told you that you wouldn't understand things until you were older? If you don't, then check out Daniel_Standish's reaction to my comments in his "Grim Future" thread I think this is the same thing. Yes, they don't need to act exclusive and smug about it, but at the same time there is a limited amount of validity to what they're saying.

Next time you get frustrated about it, just turn it around on them. "Oh, you can't go out tonight? I guess you must not remember what it's like to be single."

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I guess it's just that they're all my age, and dealing with the exact same things I am (I live with the guy who is my SO, ok - without the sex!), yet because of a ring, I'm excluded.

These are people I've known for years too - and the one they've usually come to for advice. It just seems that now they've got the ring, I am no use to them - even though I hear their conversations, and know I have a good point that they aren't thinking about.

Unfortunately, they don't seem to consider my feelings. It seems like they were happy to be my friend when I had things to offer, but now they've 'sorted their lives out and got married' they don't need me in their friend circle anymore.

 

[KristianJ]

for Sasch...I dunno why for some people marriage moves them into an "elitist" club. And it's pretty sad that you say that you all have known each other for a long time. I suppose I'm fortunate not to have those sorts of problems at my church...I still maintain healthy friendships with my married friends. Quite clearly their "lofty" standards are wrong, but you gotta be careful not to express your disappointment in a way that could strain things further. In any case, I hope you know that there ain't any criteria here in our fellowship (beside the couples bit I guess) and if you've got any points to discuss we'll be happy to take them on board and learn from your experiences.

 

[Jenna]

Hmmmm.......weird! lol You know, when I got married, we got the same treatment in reverse. We suddenly weren't all that much fun to hang out with because we had responsibilities. Everything just seemed to change overnight, and we started finding out about all of these little gatherings and stuff that we just weren't invited to. It's interesting how different people have such different experiences with the same kind of thing, eh?

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Yeah, you're right Jenna,

I guess it's just cos it was like 'bam' and all of a sudden, all the young 20-somethings hooked up and got married! All in the space of a year and a bit!!!

Felt like all of a sudden there's this massive divide - that I'm kinda tired of straddling...

Now, in the age group 20-30, we have approximately 50 odd people - there are 3 unmarried men now, and 2 single girls (one of whom is divorced, the other being me)...

One of the unmarried men is my SO - just strange what happens in the course of one year!

Sasch

 

[E-beth]

I went through something similar when all my peers were having babies and I did not.

Don't let it get to you. There are lots of great things about being single, plus your friends are all newlyweds. Once the initial warm glow dies down, they will be over in the marriage forum complaining.

 

[Leanna]

You're living with your boyfriend but you aren't ready to get married? This doesn't make sense to me.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

He is not my BF yet - we are developing things that way.

We have been flatmates for 1.5 years. We are really great friends, and care heaps about each other. It has only been in the last 3 months we've talked about a serious relationship, and decided to do it slowly, with a final decision (once and for all) to happen in September.

We are in a lease until June next year, and I am quite happy to still live with him, regardless of the situation that happens after september. Our house is huge, so it would be very easy to live with each other, and barely see one another.

The question here is not about our living situation - it won't be changing. We both have christian people providing input into our lives, and keeping us accountable. Plus, with the agreement firm in both our minds to not have sex until we are married, we have both put steps in place for this to not happen, despite us living together. You may not think it possible, but it is! It is all to do with hearts, minds and being willing to put up and stick to boundaries.

Thanks for asking though - I appreciate people asking about it, and informing

Sasch

 

[desi]

If you wait a bit these same women will probably start complaining.

 

[jenptcfan]

Yeah they'll start complaining, but they won't have any girlfriends left to complain to!

 

[peaceblossom]

Ok, you guys are scaring me!!


Am I to stay single and be excluded or be involved and be excluded?!? Why can't the world make up it's mind?!?!

Ok, I was just kidding there. Sorry if I offened anyone. People are so weird. Whatever happened to the people that would cut off friends for relationships? I say a revolution should be started. People who get married and those who are single should join together and include each other in fun and wholesome activites without any exclusions!! Ok, maybe I'm just showing my weirdness here.

 

[Jenna]

Boy, wouldn't that be fun.

I really can't complain, though it was hard at first to be shut out from everybody. While neither of my sisters are married (anymore), now that both of my sisters are/have been pregnant, at least we have something to talk about now. There was this huge rift because when I got married, they didn't want to hear about my husband. They just didn't want to hear about all that 'married' stuff. I guess, to be fair, I didn't really want to hear about all of the dates that my sister went on either, more for the sleaze factor though. lol I guess it's all a matter of trying to find common ground, and women don't change a whole lot when they get married. We're all still girls. Just now we have to shop for men's socks and underwear too. *rolls eyes, laughing* We should all be able to get along.

 

[EmSchmem]

Jenna,
You never fail to make me smile! LMBO @ "sleeze factor!"
Sascha,
I think it's just the time of your life that people are ine. And I can say with all honesty that I would take any advice from someone unmarried with a grain of salt. I too lived with someone once upon a time. But marriage is just different. There is a different level of committment and the stakes are much higher. That being said I also know how hard it is to have everyone's life changing but yours. I got pregnant but lost the baby in June and know I know five pregnant ladies. All who will have a baby before me despite the fact that i got pregnant first. We are trying to concieve now but it's still hard. They DO listen to some of what I have to say but only because I was a nanny and the parents bought whatever I wanted and preferred for tkaing care of the kids. AS far as fetal development and pregnancy and parenting they don't really listen to me either. You're right. It's a bummer.

 

[Xen_Antares]

My views of marriage and those who are married have changed dramatically since reading this thread here, and the same thing in the singles forum

 

[Jenna]

Sometimes I just want to scoop up some of you ladies and go for a weird CF holiday. lol

Oh, yeah, that kinda came out of nowhere, didn't it? lol *hugs Sascha and Em*

Oh, and Em, my sister used to 'hostess' in a strip club. I'm sure you get what I mean about sleaziness and her dating life. Yuck. *wrinkles nose* Then again, I guess that is why it's hard to have a real tight relationship with someone who doesn't know the Lord and doesn't have even moderately high standards. *shrugs* Maybe that's why I like y'all so much. I just like all you quirky gals with your cuteness and lots of Love for the Lord.

 

[belle1492]

I can relate to being the only single among marrieds at church. Well, there is one other girl who is not married also so we kinda stick together. (she is 3 yrs younger than me though). About 6 or 7 years, ago everyone I knew seemed to move into marriage mode. It was to be expected because of everyone's age, but it still hurt a bit. The thing that seemed to annoy me most was when all the girls seemed to have bridal magazine at their side at all times To be a little more serious, I think the thing that bothered me most about the weddings was that everyone seemed to be moving on and having great things happen to them, while my life seemed to go no where. I am finishing university, but I feel that socially my life is stagnate. (hope that makes sense)

Another thing that adds to the left out feeling is that when we were little girls most of us had the impression that one day we would meet a guy one day, fall in love, get married, have kids, etc. When this doesn't happen to you when it happens to everyone else its frustrating.

I've never had anyone be openly smug to me. I have a physical disability, so I think that most people I know feel that I won't get married so I think they kinda "ignore" the whole issue around me, but my friend has had a few smug comments directed toward her, and I usually get to hear about them

Look on the bright side though, there is always someone worse off than you (ie. ME ). I'm almost 29 and have never been on a date!