Six Problems Killing Your Marriage

[Thunder Peel]

This is a pretty solid list and one that I think is worth checking out, even if your marriage is healthy. I'm curious to see what others think about this.

6 Problems Killing Your Marriage

 

[akmom]

Hmm. If I had to generate a list of marriage blunders, I don't think I'd list any of those. They seem kind of random to me.

1. Boredom and drift - This one really bugs me. If a person feels bored, they need to deal with it, not expect their spouse to deal with it. In my marriage, our roles are to support each other, not entertain each other. I think each person is responsible for pursuing their own interests and forging a life that has meaning for them. Don't blame your boredom on your marriage. Drift is a different issue. If you're drifting, then you need to share and talk with your spouse more, and of course reciprocate by taking an interest in their interests and enquiring about them daily.

2. Social media - I don't know, we don't have that problem. We share interesting or humorous finds with each other as we scroll. I think it's the equivalent of TV a generation ago. I suspect it's more of a bonding opportunity than a marriage killer. Lots of couples I know actually communicate on social media.

3. Opposite-sex friendships - I can't personally say I've seen these go sour. Not with long-term friendships anyway. By the time people marry, I think they've pretty thoroughly ruled out any potential in their other opposite-sex friends. I'm sure it happens, but a top-six killer of marriage? I don't see it.

4. In-law issues - Sure, early in a marriage. We experienced that. It was more of an annoyance than a serious issue. I think addressing it in a premarriage counseling situation makes it easier to recognize and handle when it occurs.

5. Keeping score - Really? Who doesn't keep score? As long as you're not bitter about it, or entitled by it. Shouldn't marriages strive to be fair and balanced in meeting each other's needs and wants with the resources they have?

6. Passive husband - This is kind of vague. There's too much diversity in individual personalities and marriage dynamics for this observation to be meaningful. I've known plenty of bossy husbands, so "taking the lead" isn't necessarily what every marriage needs the man to do more of.

 

[Inkachu]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]1. Boredom and drift - Not an issue for us, at least not yet. I'm not a boring person, and neither is my husband, so I don't see this happening. We also don't look at each other as the be-all and end-all of fulfillment in life; we have our own pursuits, dreams, hobbies, and interests. I think if a person can maintain their own identity within and without the marriage, they're far less likely to find themselves "bored" with marriage and thinking "is this all there is?" [/FONT]


[FONT=arial, sans-serif]2. Social media - This list is obviously created by a younger person and aimed at younger couples. Anyway. This is not an issue for us. We both have FB accounts, but we use it sparingly, usually just a check in once a day to see what family and friends are up to. However, for couples who are glued to their social media accounts for hours a day, this is good advice. Keep it under control, kids. Real life is so much better and more interesting. [/FONT]


[FONT=arial, sans-serif]3. Opposite-sex friendships - Again, not an issue with us. We're both introverts who prefer to keep very small circles of intimate acquaintances. But for other couples, I agree with this precaution 10000%. And again, I think this occurs much more for younger couples, who tend to want to hang onto their high school and college buddies and "friendly" ex's. Social media over-use doesn't help, either. [/FONT]


[FONT=arial, sans-serif]4. In-law issues - Not an issue for us. My husband's parents are both passed on. My parents have their struggles, and my mother rubs us the wrong way quite a bit, but we usually just heave a collective sigh and go on with our day lol. But this is another one that I agree with. Cut the apron strings and concentrate on forming your own famiy unit. Respect and love and engage the in-laws as much as is possible without straining your own marriage. [/FONT]


[FONT=arial, sans-serif]5. Keeping score - We totally do not do this. Bad idea for anyone who does. Bad, bad. [/FONT]


[FONT=arial, sans-serif]6. Passive husband - I'm very thankful I don't have a passive man. I get irritated with passive, apathetic traits in any person. I do think women tend to go into "caretaker/mother" mode if there isn't a strong, confident man around, though. A lot of girls come into adulthood never having a seen a good example of a providing, protecting, confident man. So they learn to do everything themselves, and then they come into a marriage still expecting to do everything. If their husband isn't capable and assured, it can easily turn into "oh honey, let me take care of that" at every turn, and next thing you know, the wife is stressed and overwhelmed and the husband is frustrated. She thinks he's lazy and he thinks she's an overbearing nag. When the truth is, he needs to step up and take charge, and she needs to back off and stop trying to control everything. I see it everywhere, all the time! I sometimes wonder why God made men and women like this (where men seem to just not care about anything and women seem to think the world will end if they don't handle everything themselves). I think that good communication and mutual respect is the key to make it work. A man who feels appreciated and respected will be more willing to step up and do things that he knows will make his wife happy, and a wife who really feels that she's being heard and cared about is more willing to step back and let the man take the lead. [/FONT]

 

[mkgal1]

I'm not going to go through the whole list, but do have a few remarks.

1. Boredom and drift
It seems the longer couples are married, the more they take one another for granted and they stop intentionally investing in their marriage. Couples will not stay close by accident. Coupled with this is the delicate issue of sexual intimacy problems. Generally speaking, sexual intimacy is a by-product or reflection of general marriage health.

I absolutely agree with this.

I also think that #6 goes along with that (but I believe it can be one or the other being disengaged).

But I'm curious if all of you men are a bit offended at how this is pointed towards the men? Can't women also be passive and disengaged---even with the man trying to make an effort? The article states:

My estimation from countless experiences dealing with troubled marriages the common denominator in better than 90% of the cases is a passive, weak or disengaged husband.

I guess if one is of the mindset (as the article states)..."As it goes with husband/father, so it goes for the whole family. Husbands are to be the lead change agents in their marriages and families"....then it would only be reasonable to point the finger in that direction, when there is a problem. I just don't believe it's that simple, is all.

 

[Inkachu]

FWIW I think those last remarks were only about the "passive" husband issue, and didn't intend to mean that all of the issues in the article were being blamed on men.

 

[mkgal1]

FWIW I think those last remarks were only about the "passive" husband issue, and didn't intend to mean that all of the issues in the article were being blamed on men.

Oh....I know. But---it does seem to me---that by making that comment he's suggesting in his experience that, overall, the common denominator in (90% of the cases) the troubled marriages he's dealt with are due to a passive husband (disengaged....apathetic....complacent).

 

[Inkachu]

Oh....I know. But---it does seem to me---that by making that comment he's suggesting in his experience that, overall, the common denominator in (90% of the cases) the troubled marriages he's dealt with are due to a passive husband (disengaged....apathetic....complacent).

I didn't interpret it that way, but I can see how someone else would.

 

[mkgal1]

I didn't interpret it that way, but I can see how someone else would.

How do you interpret that ("My estimation from countless experiences dealing with troubled marriages the common denominator in better than 90% of the cases is a passive, weak or disengaged husband")?

I take that to mean that #'s 1-5 are the reason for about 10% of the reasons for troubled marriages....and the 90% left (in his experience) are #6 (the passive husband being the common denominator).

 

[Inkachu]

Because it was listed under the #6 item (Passive Husband), but like I said, I see how you interpreted it the way you did. Not worth nitpicking.

 

[akmom]

So which of these six is the biggest problem, according to CF members? If I had to pick one, I guess it would be #4.

 

[Thunder Peel]

I can't speak for everyone but I feel #2 is a big danger in this day and age. My biggest love language is quality time and it's hard for me to feel connected to someone when all they do is play on their phone or immerse themselves in media for hours at a time. This can happen not just romantically but just with friendships in general. I think far too much social media has led us to be a closed off and self-centered society that lives vicariously through our friends all while thinking whatever we're doing should be breaking news. Instead of telling Facebook that you love your spouse, how about telling them yourself? Little things like that can make a big difference.

It has its time and place but I feel it's a threat that's easy to overlook. No one wants to watch a movie with someone who spends half of it with their attention aimed elsewhere.

 

[MountainBluebird]

I think number one can be a big issue for those who have been married a long time. Number six too, especially if they include passive aggressive into that category. I could see number two being a problem for some.

 

[Inkachu]

So which of these six is the biggest problem, according to CF members? If I had to pick one, I guess it would be #4.

I think #1.

 

[Inkachu]

I can't speak for everyone but I feel #2 is a big danger in this day and age. My biggest love language is quality time and it's hard for me to feel connected to someone when all they do is play on their phone or immerse themselves in media for hours at a time. This can happen not just romantically but just with friendships in general. I think far too much social media has led us to be a closed off and self-centered society that lives vicariously through our friends all while thinking whatever we're doing should be breaking news. Instead of telling Facebook that you love your spouse, how about telling them yourself? Little things like that can make a big difference.

It has its time and place but I feel it's a threat that's easy to overlook. No one wants to watch a movie with someone who spends half of it with their attention aimed elsewhere.

I think it can be a big, big problem for younger couples who are more likely to be attached to their gadgets. I don't think it's as much of an issue for couples say, over the age of 35. Not that we're socially disconnected or don't use Facebook, it's just not a priority like it is when you're 21 or 25. Things like jobs and kids and family commitments come along, and you kinda stop caring what song your BFF is listening to at any given moment lol.

 

[Inkachu]

So which of these six is the biggest problem, according to CF members? If I had to pick one, I guess it would be #4.

I'm kinda surprised by this answer. Do you have in-law struggles, Akmom? I wonder if we're most likely to pick the answer that seems most applicable to our own relationships, or those closest to us.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

The title of the article contains one of my pet peeves. It should be "six items that, in the author's opinion/experience, often cause trouble in marriages." I hate the way it assumes that these things are problems in all marriages; indeed that all marriages are in the process of being killed. I am immediately skeptical of any article that attempts to universalize stuff like this. I guess that's how they get page views. But it irritates me.

Other than that, I agree with akmom's post 100%.

 

[mkgal1]

I can't speak for everyone but I feel #2 is a big danger in this day and age. My biggest love language is quality time and it's hard for me to feel connected to someone when all they do is play on their phone or immerse themselves in media for hours at a time. This can happen not just romantically but just with friendships in general. I think far too much social media has led us to be a closed off and self-centered society that lives vicariously through our friends all while thinking whatever we're doing should be breaking news. Instead of telling Facebook that you love your spouse, how about telling them yourself? Little things like that can make a big difference.

It has its time and place but I feel it's a threat that's easy to overlook. No one wants to watch a movie with someone who spends half of it with their attention aimed elsewhere.

I agree that no one wants to spend time feeling shut out. Have you experienced that even without social media, though? Because I have. I've been face to face with someone---with either of us speaking (and no phones out), and there seemed to be a wall dividing us still.

I see #2 (social media) as something that is sort of a medium that allows certain behaviors and attitudes to be manifested---not really what damages or creates things in itself. It's something that can be used to either genuinely connect people or create a fantasy life for others to affirm and admire.

I think people have had those tendencies since the beginning of time (to either be truly relational or more about themselves). Even before home computers....some people "performed" their relationships for the self-gratification and admiration of others watching.

You've heard the saying, "it's not how you feel, but how you look that matters"? That's the motto of a person with narcissistic tendencies....social media has just given them a more visible platform.

 

[mkgal1]

The title of the article contains one of my pet peeves. It should be "six items that, in the author's opinion/experience, often cause trouble in marriages." I hate the way it assumes that these things are problems in all marriages; indeed that all marriages are in the process of being killed. I am immediately skeptical of any article that attempts to universalize stuff like this. I guess that's how they get page views. But it irritates me.

Other than that, I agree with akmom's post 100%.

Good point. I hadn't even given much attention to the title---"Six Problems Killing Your Marriage". That makes it sound as if all six are "killing" ALL marriages (and, like you said, that all marriages are even *being* killed by something).

It seems like #1 sort of sums up most issues.....doesn't it?

 

[Inkachu]

Yeah, the thread/article title was really stoopid. Another reason I suspect it was written by a youngin. Has a very "know it all" flavor to it.

 

[ValleyGal]

I have a lot of thoughts about this list. It seems items 2, 3, and possibly 4 fall into item 1. After all, social media, opposite sex friendships and in-law issues can also be very closely related to couples drifting apart. Assuming that 2, 3, and 4 are subsets of 1, we can assume they all fall under Dr. Gottman's principle of "turning toward." This is one of the principles for making marriage work....quit turning to FB, opposite-sex (or even same-sex) friends, or turning toward mommy and daddy when you should be turning towards your spouse.

Item 5, keeping score, is also indirectly in Gottman's principles of letting your partner influence you, nurturing fondness and admiration, creating shared meaning, solving your solvable problems, etc. When you do these things, keeping score is not going to happen. In fact, keeping score contributes to resentment and eventually contempt, which is one of the ways Gottman so accurately predicts divorce. Keeping score is never a good idea.

As for 6, passive husband, if women want a non-passive husband, she should not marry a passive one. Surely she should know whether or not he is passive before they marry. Passivity is a part of someone's personality (typically). There is nothing wrong with a man who is passive, and it will only ruin a marriage if she lets it, by not accepting him for who he is. This is also indirectly linked to Gottman's principles of turning toward, allowing your partner to influence you, and overcoming gridlock. The latter has to do with ongoing marital issues that you are never going to resolve - and all marriages will have several of these. They are the issues that need to be temporarily resolved on a situational basis.

This is why I rarely use up valuable time reading blogs. They are always someone's opinion or observation, and are rarely backed up by research, stats, or professional opinion (which holds far more weight for me than some schmoe who likes to express their opinion. In fact, things like this make me realize that I need to make sure my own blogs are going to be supported with professional integrity rather than personal opinion.