Hi,
Can someone help?
Okay, yesterday, I think I was feeling lonely (which is pretty rare for me these days), and thinking it may be nice to be in a relationship with someone. Something made me think of cool names for kids, and I started to think about it (I don't want to have children, but I like thinking of names sometimes because it is mildly fun). So I thought of one name, and then thought if I ever had a kid he should have some name from the Bible in his name somewhere. One of the two names I thought of was Michael. I had decided the previous day to fast from something and yesterday by not partaking in following my own interests that day. There was a lady who wanted to talk to me, and I think I told myself I will put off whatever she tells me until the next day. I thought she may have been letting me know about a car for sale because she knows I am looking for one. I think I may have vowed either that I would not get the car if that was it, or that I would not consider it until the next day (I can't remember which). She approached me, and told me that a friend of hers said a guy who goes to a Church congregation said to her that he really wanted to find someone (his name is Michael by the way - weird tidbit), and immediately I popped into her friend's head. So the lady who approached me, asked me on behalf of her friend if I wanted to meet this guy). Well, there are a couple of things I find pretty ironic: #1) that particular day I happened to be thinking about how I would like to find someone, & # 2) the guy's name is Michael #3) that I immediately popped into this woman's head when he said that (mind you I don't really know the woman only met her a few times). - This last one could have just been me popping into her head because she is friends with the lady who approached me (and I use to live with her).
Well, as I was hearing this, I decided that I needed to obstain from entertaining the idea further because I was fasting. Then I think I said in my head that I probably shouldn't pursue it, but if it was God's will He will find some way to arrange the guy to meet me otherwise. I think later that night I was chewing on the issue mentally, and I got irritated that I had decided to fast or that I may have vowed not to partake in meeting the guy by saying in my head that if it is God's will He can bring the guy into my life another way. I felt a surge of anger and frustration and pictured myself like Cinderella because it seems like I almost always I never get to have anything I want because I am fasting, or have vowed it away. I got angry and in frustration in my mind at my situation, and said "murderer" in my head and pictured the Holy Spirit. I think my heart was unburdening anger before the Holy Spirit. After it happened, looking back I know I do not feel it is the Holy Spirit who is making things like this. It is me, with my near constant vows, fasts, etc., and getting tangled up in situations where I need to keep my oath. I do not believe I was angry toward the Holy Spirit, but I may have been and just blamed all the pain and frustration on God's Spirit. I am sure I have apologized and asked God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit to absolve me of all the transgressions I've committed, as I almost always do so every time I get angry, or have an aggressive feeling, thought, or blasphemous thought or feeling (genuine or non genuine) toward God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit.
What should I do? Usually in cases like this I would not follow through on whatever it is. For example, in this case, I would not meet the guy as if it turns into something real and I end up getting married to the guy, I could lose my salvation due to the blasphemous thought/ feeling I had toward the Holy Spirit regarding the issue. Even if this was intended to be a blessing from God in the beginning, it seems like it may now not be okay to take it.
What are your thoughts?
Can someone help?
Okay, yesterday, I think I was feeling lonely (which is pretty rare for me these days), and thinking it may be nice to be in a relationship with someone. Something made me think of cool names for kids, and I started to think about it (I don't want to have children, but I like thinking of names sometimes because it is mildly fun). So I thought of one name, and then thought if I ever had a kid he should have some name from the Bible in his name somewhere. One of the two names I thought of was Michael. I had decided the previous day to fast from something and yesterday by not partaking in following my own interests that day. There was a lady who wanted to talk to me, and I think I told myself I will put off whatever she tells me until the next day. I thought she may have been letting me know about a car for sale because she knows I am looking for one. I think I may have vowed either that I would not get the car if that was it, or that I would not consider it until the next day (I can't remember which). She approached me, and told me that a friend of hers said a guy who goes to a Church congregation said to her that he really wanted to find someone (his name is Michael by the way - weird tidbit), and immediately I popped into her friend's head. So the lady who approached me, asked me on behalf of her friend if I wanted to meet this guy). Well, there are a couple of things I find pretty ironic: #1) that particular day I happened to be thinking about how I would like to find someone, & # 2) the guy's name is Michael #3) that I immediately popped into this woman's head when he said that (mind you I don't really know the woman only met her a few times). - This last one could have just been me popping into her head because she is friends with the lady who approached me (and I use to live with her).
Well, as I was hearing this, I decided that I needed to obstain from entertaining the idea further because I was fasting. Then I think I said in my head that I probably shouldn't pursue it, but if it was God's will He will find some way to arrange the guy to meet me otherwise. I think later that night I was chewing on the issue mentally, and I got irritated that I had decided to fast or that I may have vowed not to partake in meeting the guy by saying in my head that if it is God's will He can bring the guy into my life another way. I felt a surge of anger and frustration and pictured myself like Cinderella because it seems like I almost always I never get to have anything I want because I am fasting, or have vowed it away. I got angry and in frustration in my mind at my situation, and said "murderer" in my head and pictured the Holy Spirit. I think my heart was unburdening anger before the Holy Spirit. After it happened, looking back I know I do not feel it is the Holy Spirit who is making things like this. It is me, with my near constant vows, fasts, etc., and getting tangled up in situations where I need to keep my oath. I do not believe I was angry toward the Holy Spirit, but I may have been and just blamed all the pain and frustration on God's Spirit. I am sure I have apologized and asked God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit to absolve me of all the transgressions I've committed, as I almost always do so every time I get angry, or have an aggressive feeling, thought, or blasphemous thought or feeling (genuine or non genuine) toward God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit.
What should I do? Usually in cases like this I would not follow through on whatever it is. For example, in this case, I would not meet the guy as if it turns into something real and I end up getting married to the guy, I could lose my salvation due to the blasphemous thought/ feeling I had toward the Holy Spirit regarding the issue. Even if this was intended to be a blessing from God in the beginning, it seems like it may now not be okay to take it.
What are your thoughts?
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