Should you share your password with your loved one?

[If Not For Grace]

If I am married to you and willing to share your house, bed, or car ...and not a password..If i were you I would be supicious to say the least.

I mean Credit cards are in you wallet right, Likely your checkbook is in the house right, if you own a gun I bet I know where that is so now just WTH is on facebook or your hard drive that there is to hide...?

 

[Avniel]

I say marriage yes dating depends on you

 

[PetLuv]

I guess I'll be one of the odd ones out and say I don't see a reason to tell someone that stuff.

I also find it curious how so many talk about giving them to your partner is a sign of trust, but IMO not wanting/taking them is a sign of trust.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I also find it curious how so many talk about giving them to your partner is a sign of trust, but IMO not wanting/taking them is a sign of trust.

Thats why this is a question that most could go either on because both points sound right, but both points also sound bad.

And it is a complex question really. It does depend on what passwords we are talking about. What stage of the relationship your in....etc. I know one of the things a pastor taught me was there is no "This is mine and that is yours" in marriage. So if anyone does that while married, then there are issues that need to be sorted out.

Obviously I wouldn't give someone my bank password until we are married since we would likely have a joint account. But I would give them around the engagement stage access to my Facbeook and Email. Its what me and my fiance do. And like wise even though we have them we don't constantly check upon each other. We sort of just use them if the other one needs help with something on the account.

I do know of a very FEW people who actually give their bets friends their passwords to alot of things. To me that is just foolish since friends come and go.

 

[TheDag]

I know one of the things a pastor taught me was there is no "This is mine and that is yours" in marriage. So if anyone does that while married, then there are issues that need to be sorted out.

but is that correct teaching? There is still his and hers stuff. I pointed this out before in post #3. You may still call it jointly owned but I still think it is inappropiate to walk around wearing my wifes bra. That is for her not for me. I would say no matter which way one goes there are issues to be sorted out unless it is a non-issue. by that I mean if someone asks for a password from their partner there is an issue. if a partner refuses to share a password that has been asked for then there is an issue. The only time it is a non-issue is if it is never mentioned or it is offered and declined by the other.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

but is that correct teaching? There is still his and hers stuff. I pointed this out before in post #3. You may still call it jointly owned but I still think it is inappropiate to walk around wearing my wifes bra.

You mean we aren't suppose to wear are others halfs bras?!?

Like I said its a complex issue. I mean obviously in terms of your sex somethings are yours and somethings are his. But its suppose to be a general idea of being one (when marrying you become one). Legalistic people will pick it apart though. There are always exceptions though. Such as if you need two bank accounts because one of you owns your own business.

by that I mean if someone asks for a password from their partner there is an issue. if a partner refuses to share a password that has been asked for then there is an issue. The only time it is a non-issue is if it is never mentioned or it is offered and declined by the other.

Thats is a good point and hence why I said its complex. If you marriage is fine then you won't have to ask anyways since by marrying the person you are saying you totally trust them. Before marriage though its better to share your passwords (or certain ones) to build up trust.

I am sure there are horror stories on both sides of the password thing though. Example some people I know are a bit... sheltered and won't ask for their fiances password because they easily trust people. And then later found out the hard way the person was cheating on them or something along those lines. Just as there are stories where people shared passwords and it lessened the trust when the other person didn't stop snooping on the other person.

As I said in my situation my fiance gave me her passwords openly without me even asking. She wanted to show me she was honest (shes overseas). Just as I gave her mine openly. Since we are getting married in a month neither of us has ever really needed to check each others stuff though, there for we have each others passwords but don't use them. They are more for technical reasons or in case of emergencies.

Such as yesterday with her permission I accessed her account for chat records I need for the embassy where she lives. Alot of this password stuff to is likely from my past where everyone I was with cheated on me or was using me but I never asked them for a password. Which goes to show you about some times we can by nieve about people. Its why I was happy my fiance offered them to me to build our trust.

 

[HIS Geeky Girl]

Yeah, the "if you have nothing to hide, then GIMME your passwords" thinking could conversely be "if you trust me, you shouldn't be ASKING for my passwords".

There's nothing juicy, secretive, interesting, or shocking in my email accounts or bank accounts. My S.O. should 1) know me well enough and 2) trust me enough, to understand that about me. If he doesn't, then we need to work on our relationship, not swap passwords. Knowing someone's password doesn't make them more trustworthy, or loyal, or faithful to you. They either are, or they aren't.

My S.O. doesn't need to know that I bought a bottle of soda this morning. Or that I asked my mom how to cook rice the other day. Or that I bought some feminine products. Or that my friend emailed me about a personal problem so I could pray for her.

There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with maintaining a level of privacy and "self" when you're in a relationship, including marriage. The whole idea of someone trying to make another feel guilty about not sharing every single inch of their lives... just make me squirm inside. If you don't trust me... you don't need to be with me. I'm not trying to "hide" things, you just don't need to know every single, microscopic, mundane detail of my existence. Should I report to you how many times a day I breathe? How often I use the bathroom? Should I write down every thought I have, too?

Bleh. This topic annoys me lol. Probably won't remain in this thread so I can avoid arguing with people.

 

[Koakku]

I'd share my password with the one i loved to help build trust between us and i have before with my ex. But if it's against the website's tos to give out your password then i wouldn't do it anymore.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I think many here are missing the point of swapping passwords. We all have different degrees of our personalities. We act in various ways around strangers, friends, family and by ourselves. So usually how we act by ourselves is how we really are. So your email or "private" stuff shows who you really are.

Therefor if you see someones emails or facebook messages you can see who they really are not what they want you to think they are. I think people would be surprised how often someone you know or are even married to talks behind your back. Its like the example of men having problems with porn. The only way you would know is by accessing some of their things and the truth would come out. If you don't access it then you will just assume they are these really good christian men.

Not wanting to know to much about you other halfs private life is just as bad as becoming controlling about what they can do. Which is another branch of this subject. Someone here mentioned do they need to know how often you use the bathroom or cough. No of course not. Thats control. You coughing has nothing to do with being trustable.

In a world full of technology it seems cheating, divorce, porn...etc are getting more and more common and in between two people. So if people choose to ignore the fact that many couples use technology to hide their trail, then they are usually setting themselves up for heart break.

With all this said everyone opinion on this doens't mean its right or wrong. Thats up to each person to decide. We all live our own lives. I just wish people would realize technology can mess things up when you are with someone if you each choose to live a private life outside your relationship.

 

[TheDag]

I think many here are missing the point of swapping passwords. We all have different degrees of our personalities. We act in various ways around strangers, friends, family and by ourselves. So usually how we act by ourselves is how we really are. So your email or "private" stuff shows who you really are.

Well if you act certain ways around people rather than being yourself then you have bigger problems to deal with

Therefor if you see someones emails or facebook messages you can see who they really are not what they want you to think they are. I think people would be surprised how often someone you know or are even married to talks behind your back. Its like the example of men having problems with porn. The only way you would know is by accessing some of their things and the truth would come out. If you don't access it then you will just assume they are these really good christian men.

Define good christian. I personally have a different definition to you I think. There were two people who could play guitar. The one who was worst and made heaps of mistakes was asked to play in the worship team. That is because he was teachable and humble. The other guy who was clearly a better player didn't seem bothered that they made mistakes. So likewise a good christian man may sin more than a not so good christian man but the potential makes all the difference. My wife told me what she found most attractive about me. It wasn't my looks or anything like that. What she found attractive was that when someone criticised me I would ask three friends I could trust to be honest and knew me well enough if that was justified. If they said yes then i worked on changing my behaviour. If they said no then I ignored the critcism. Interestingly they never disagreed with each other only sometimes disagreed with me so I had to humble myself. Were there men around who sinned less than I did? Absolutely but that commitment to growth is what makes a christian a good christian not how much do they sin.

Not wanting to know to much about you other halfs private life is just as bad as becoming controlling about what they can do. Which is another branch of this subject. Someone here mentioned do they need to know how often you use the bathroom or cough. No of course not. Thats control. You coughing has nothing to do with being trustable.

if you are checking up on them then that is not trusting them either.

In a world full of technology it seems cheating, divorce, porn...etc are getting more and more common and in between two people. So if people choose to ignore the fact that many couples use technology to hide their trail, then they are usually setting themselves up for heart break.

How did people hide their trail before technology? As a previous poster said people will find a way.

With all this said everyone opinion on this doens't mean its right or wrong. Thats up to each person to decide. We all live our own lives. I just wish people would realize technology can mess things up when you are with someone if you each choose to live a private life outside your relationship.

The problem is if people choose to live a different life rather than being themselves. My wife once walked into the computer room and saw me doing a search on the words 'real beauty' She said that sounds interesting and left the room without waiting to see what sites I looked at. That is trust and it comes from knowing each other. When we lived long way apart (about 1000km or 621 miles) we would do a bible study over the phone every time we called. this helped us to get to know each other. We didn't just use bible studies but rather books that would promote discussion and getting to know someone rather than actual bible studies which generally are too shallow. So for us making that commitment to get to know each other and commit to growing as a person built true trust not a pretend trust that you get from sharing passwords. Think about it. I give you my password for facebook. Before I do I go through and censor my posts deleting stuff I don't want you to see and then adjust my behaviour on that site. So you still see what I want you to see and meanwhile I sign up to a chat group and continue my hidden behaviour there. Still simple to hide. nothing is a substitute for really getting to know the person.

Like I said its a complex issue. I mean obviously in terms of your sex somethings are yours and somethings are his. But its suppose to be a general idea of being one (when marrying you become one). Legalistic people will pick it apart though. There are always exceptions though. Such as if you need two bank accounts because one of you owns your own business.

Yes the two become one but as these exceptions to the rule as you call them shows that does not mean you must share absoulutely everything. I think the two becoming one doesn't apply to everything you seem to think it does. Lets remember the rest of that verse. The two become one flesh. Scientifically speaking you still remain two seperate people with two seperate DNA. So it isn't a literal reference and should not be interpreted as such. That of course does not mean it is not true and that we ignore the verse.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Think about it. I give you my password for facebook. Before I do I go through and censor my posts deleting stuff I don't want you to see and then adjust my behaviour on that site.

Yeah that is the other side of passwords that sometimes renders having them kind of pointless. If your good you can hide your history.

I probably should have made the topic about before marriage really since once married there shouldn't be trust issues at all.

 

[parsley]

The whole idea of someone trying to make another feel guilty about not sharing every single inch of their lives... just make me squirm inside. If you don't trust me... you don't need to be with me. I'm not trying to "hide" things, you just don't need to know every single, microscopic, mundane detail of my existence.

I agree.

There are other issues to trust besides the obvious. Partners who...

-Eat cheetos at the computer.

-Are tempted to contact their spouse's boss and tell them off.

-Treat extended family members and friends poorly.

-Get frustrated with computers and abort processes... or sabotage.

-Decide to cancel appointments and meetings "for" the other.

-Don't handle childrens' teachers as well as the other, and might communicate in a way that does not represent the person owning the account.

-Gamble, and are tempted to borrow money from the other's account.
(85% of U.S. adults have gambled at least once ...1% are pathological gamblers ... Problem gamblers account for another 2 to 3%. Gambling Statistics)

If you think you aren't going to marry anyone with significant problems, then read through the forum again and see what Christians post about. No one is such a good judge of character that they are immune to another person's bad choices.

It's one thing to try to start out a marriage with trust and respect, but talk to some people who have been married a long time -- I doubt many of them would give out passwords. Maybe the ones who write books on what a marriage should be like.

Get to know the person well and let them earn your trust.

 

[LoricaLady]

If you don't trust the other person completely, no. Also, though, we don't have to share every last thing with loved ones. We get to have a private self too. There are things I write on the internet, for example, that I might feel a little embarrassed about, though they aren't awful or anything.

Praying you make the right choices. If you give the password and lose trust, change it fast!

 

[krugerpark]

if you lose your password in an issue of trust you have bigger issues

which is most likely the case already

 

[Hidden101]

Neither share nor hide.

 

[Spunkn]

Some things you probably want to share passwords. Things that you are both constantly using.

Emails and that type of stuff I would say no.

The exception would be if someone had been untrustworthy (something like a porn addiction) and you needed access to the that person's computer to make sure they weren't falling back into it. But that woudl be an exception. In most cases I'd say there's no reason for you to share all passwords etc.

 

[FreeinChrist]

MOD HAT


This thread is closed at OP request