Should we ask someone to apologize?

[Godlovesmetwo]

and get off that mental treadmill.

good expression,
that is exactly what it is.
wasted energy and negative rumination

 

[wayfarersoul1978]

If they are force to say something it meaningless remember you can forgive and just not forget. We must forgive to be forgiven. I am struggling with my late father he be dead a year this Monday. He was very abusive and mean to me. I still deeply hurt by him and I am tying to move on. I pray for you and you do same for me. Remember you are only human and you need to give it over to Jesús.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

We must forgive to be forgiven.

oh that's right. I keep forgetting that. Good reason to forgive others too.

 

[Saint Nod]

Hey there,
For me, forgiveness, receiving and giving, is an act of faith. We have to receive God's forgiveness in faith... and in a sense, when someone apologises to us, accept their apology on faith...
Gary Chapman who wrote the really sensible book the 5 love languages, also wrote a really neat book called the 5 languages of apology.
In it he talks about how people need to hear an apology in a certain way before they feel that you are genuine about apologising. The 5 areas he talks about include:
01. EXPRESSING REGRET

02. ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY

03. MAKING RESTITUTION

04. GENUINELY REPENTING

05. REQUESTING FORGIVENESS
It is a simple book to understand... but over the years I have found it really helpful. For many people it is an "ah-ha" moment when they read it.
Blessings

 

[One of his followers]

How can you expect god to forgive your wrongdoings if can't forgive wrongdoings yourself?

Forgiving was not an option until I was a christian, now it's easier.

If you want to send message to others about their 'inappropriate' behaviour, the best chance you have is to show your grace,then sometimes people will see this godly behaviour and reflect on their own.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

your pride was jilted. you gotta deal with that. you trying to make someone apologize is just you seeking some sort of retribution. it's an attempt to exhort power or control over someone in 'letting them know who's boss'.

the one who did this thing to you did not put you in any type of danger and posed no threat of harm. it's like a woman who slaps you in the face and walks away. the only thing that got hurt was your pride.

dealing with pride is a mighty struggle. I'm convinced that the LORD puts difficult people in my life as co-workers in order to get me to deal with my pride. it's a hard beast to slay but the first step to slaying it is recognizing that it's there.

 

[blackribbon]

Forgiveness is probably my greatest weakness. I'm good at forgiving people when they ask to be forgiven, but I have a terrible time getting over someone who has done something wrong in my sight and doesn't recognize it or ask to be forgiven. I know that I have a problem, but I also have a problem getting over my problem! I don't know what to do!

Take today for example, my family was haven pictures taken professionally in a hospital where we have been staying for quite some time, and I wanted to have a picture taken near the main atrium because of the iconic artwork that was displayed there. One of the employees came up and rudely told us "No, no, no, you can't do that." Now, we've been here for months taking pictures informally and there were no signs posted, and on top of that the employee could have been more respectful by starting with something like, "Excuse me, folks, but we don't allow photography in crowded areas where other patients might accidentally be included in the photos." Anyway, I turned around and put some distance because I didn't want to say anything that I would regret, but 15-30 minutes later I was still thinking about how I was having trouble forgiving this employee for the way he handled the situation. That's my problem!

When someone realizes that they've done something wrong to me and offers a sincere apology, I have absolutely no problem forgiving them immediately in nearly every case, so I don't have a problem with that. But I know that, for whatever reason, I'm just not able to forgive people who don't ask for forgiveness, and it's really getting to me because I don't want to be like that! I feel like going up to someone like the employee from my example and telling them something like, "Excuse me, but the way that you acted seemed a little bit rude and I feel somewhat upset by it" might prompt that person to apologize, in which case I would easily have been able to forgive them. But at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't be going around telling someone whenever I feel like I've been wronged by them because I guess Christians should be able to forgive people without asking them to ask for forgiveness.

The reason why I'm posting this here is because I'm hoping that one of you readers will have some insight, bible verse, or other resource that will help me deal with my problem.

Thanks in advance,

- Lukamu

You are upset and want an apology for him being rude? Did you apologize for taking professional pictures in a hospital without getting permission from the hospital? You broke a rule. Whether or not you were aware of the rule, ignorance is never an excuse. You did the first wrong and you want them to apologize for pointing it out and not kissing your hiney while doing it? Did it ever occur to you that what was on his mind first maybe was a patient who was currently dying and you distracted him/her from her job to tell you to follow the hospital rules?

I think that you are going to have a hard time in life if you assume that everyone who doesn't say "pretty please" to you is being rude. You broke the rule. He informed you. There was absolutely nothing wrong with how he worded it other than YOU took offense. The problem is standing in your mirror. You are the only person who has control over your feelings. He is not obligated to tell you why it is not allowed. His obligation is to simply enforce the rules of the hospital. The hospital is there for a purpose and being a background for your portraits isn't one of them.

Out of curiosity, why are you staying in a hospital? Or is the hospital in the town where you are staying and you somehow decided to make it a tourist location. Try going into local stores or city hall an see how well it would fly if you were trying to make them the backdrop for your portraits without permission of the management. Hospital are usually private organizations, anyway. You were trespassing if you didn't have a legitimate reason to be there.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Forgiveness is probably my greatest weakness. I'm good at forgiving people when they ask to be forgiven, but I have a terrible time getting over someone who has done something wrong in my sight and doesn't recognize it or ask to be forgiven. I know that I have a problem, but I also have a problem getting over my problem! I don't know what to do!

Take today for example, my family was haven pictures taken professionally in a hospital where we have been staying for quite some time, and I wanted to have a picture taken near the main atrium because of the iconic artwork that was displayed there. One of the employees came up and rudely told us "No, no, no, you can't do that." Now, we've been here for months taking pictures informally and there were no signs posted, and on top of that the employee could have been more respectful by starting with something like, "Excuse me, folks, but we don't allow photography in crowded areas where other patients might accidentally be included in the photos." Anyway, I turned around and put some distance because I didn't want to say anything that I would regret, but 15-30 minutes later I was still thinking about how I was having trouble forgiving this employee for the way he handled the situation. That's my problem!

When someone realizes that they've done something wrong to me and offers a sincere apology, I have absolutely no problem forgiving them immediately in nearly every case, so I don't have a problem with that. But I know that, for whatever reason, I'm just not able to forgive people who don't ask for forgiveness, and it's really getting to me because I don't want to be like that! I feel like going up to someone like the employee from my example and telling them something like, "Excuse me, but the way that you acted seemed a little bit rude and I feel somewhat upset by it" might prompt that person to apologize, in which case I would easily have been able to forgive them. But at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't be going around telling someone whenever I feel like I've been wronged by them because I guess Christians should be able to forgive people without asking them to ask for forgiveness.

The reason why I'm posting this here is because I'm hoping that one of you readers will have some insight, bible verse, or other resource that will help me deal with my problem.

Thanks in advance,

- Lukamu

I have the same issue in a sense. If someone close to me hurts me deeply it takes me some time to really come to forgiveness, it has taken years for me.

What I have found is to not concentrate on the person you are forgiving, but concentrate on how Christ forgives you after you keep sinning. Because Christ is the one who demands we forgive.

If you let God change your heart and ask Him to give you a heart of forgiveness, He will. It make take a while, but God does not ask us to do something He will not help us do.

I hope this helps, God bless you.

 

[Lukamu]

Wow, great community here. I posted thinking I wouldn't get any responses, and look at you all! I'll try to respond with inline quotes:

How is such a trivial matter as your preferred location of a photograph, " doing wrong to you"?

The trivial matter was that the employee was rude.

I'm of the opinion that if someone is forced to apologize, their apology means nothing.

I feel like "forcing them to apologize" is different than "asking for an apology". Forcing them is like saying "you'd better or else..." while asking is more like "are you aware that you did something wrong to me?" See below.

If they are force to say something it meaningless

See above. Asking for an apology is more like letting them know something happened and then giving them the opportunity to respond however they want.

My advice is to just pray for the person and get off that mental treadmill.

This was the conclusion that I came to as well... TBH I'm just not smart enough to get inside my own head on this one and figure it out, so maybe it's better to force that train of thought out of my head.

your pride was jilted.

Yep, true that. Being humble 24/7 is a tough gig.

 

[Lukamu]

You are upset and want an apology for him being rude? Did you apologize for taking professional pictures in a hospital without getting permission from the hospital? You broke a rule. Whether or not you were aware of the rule, ignorance is never an excuse. You did the first wrong and you want them to apologize for pointing it out and not kissing your hiney while doing it? Did it ever occur to you that what was on his mind first maybe was a patient who was currently dying and you distracted him/her from her job to tell you to follow the hospital rules?

I think that you are going to have a hard time in life if you assume that everyone who doesn't say "pretty please" to you is being rude. You broke the rule. He informed you. There was absolutely nothing wrong with how he worded it other than YOU took offense. The problem is standing in your mirror. You are the only person who has control over your feelings. He is not obligated to tell you why it is not allowed. His obligation is to simply enforce the rules of the hospital. The hospital is there for a purpose and being a background for your portraits isn't one of them.

Out of curiosity, why are you staying in a hospital? Or is the hospital in the town where you are staying and you somehow decided to make it a tourist location. Try going into local stores or city hall an see how well it would fly if you were trying to make them the backdrop for your portraits without permission of the management. Hospital are usually private organizations, anyway. You were trespassing if you didn't have a legitimate reason to be there.

My son suffered intestinal failure and almost died the day after he was born. He/we have been living in the hospital for the last five months, he has had five major surgeries and we didn't know if he was going to make it or not for the first 3 months. My wife and I have been apart for the last 2 months because I had to go back to work to keep our health insurance, but I took a week off to go and see them because he was finally discharged from the hospital two weeks ago, although he still isnt allowed to come home for three more weeks. An employee at the hospital arranged for us to meet with a volunteer photographer and then told us to go and take pictures in the hospital. And yes, I did apologize, and your whole post is rather insensitive and offensive.

 

[Lukamu]

Some of you were thrown off by the lightness of my first example, so I'd like to give you a more serious one. Again, the issue is whether or not it is appropriate for a Christian to ask for an apology.

I am a teacher, and when my son was born I had planned for my father-in-law, also a teacher, to be my substitute for a week. I had worked out lesson plans with him and everything was set. Then, my son went to the NICU (intensive care) and had to be flown to the nearest major hospital early the next morning. My father-in-law stayed up with me the whole night at the hospital, and I knew that he wouldn't have been able to sub for me the next day. While riding in the ambulance to the airport, I called the secretary at my school and told her exactly what had happened and what was going on. Then, I asked her if she would be able to find a sub on short notice and if I could dictate my lesson plans to her over the phone. Rather than try to help me out, she started off by telling me how irresponsible I was and how I should have planned all of this out weeks ago rather than waiting until the last minute. She then gave me a lecture about how I need to be more prepared and how she is having to do my job for me, all while my son is dying in the back of the ambulance.

Now, any human being in my situation would have been upset by the secretary's response. I was respectful and patient with her over the phone, even though I was absolutely destroyed on the inside that someone could be so cold, cruel, and heartless. She still to this day is unaware that she did anything wrong in the way she treated me because I have not brought it up with her. As a Christian, (to use some examples from your responses) should I just pray for her, get off the treadmill, and practice humility on this one, or is it appropriate for me to tell her what happened from my point of view and how it made me feel, in hopes that she might apologize so that I would be able to forgive her more easily. Because TBH I want to forgive her but HOW?

 

[blackribbon]

People don't read minds. Honestly, if you had permission to take the pictures why did you back down and get all offended? You said "professional portraits" ... not a volunteer photographer. There is no reason to have believed that you had gotten permission because hospitals aren't usually parts of professional photo shoot and you didn't add that part to your story. We take guarding our patient's identities very seriously. Also, most people don't "live at the hospital" so that wasn't a phrase that should be universally understood to mean that your son was admitted and you all seldom left. Even to me, a nurse. I guess, I kind of live at the hospital too considering the hours that I put in each week.

So first of all, I am glad your son in improving and wish him perfect health. Next, in the grand scheme of things what happened to him, WHY is this so important to you that you are dwelling on it? The hospital (and God) saved your son. Whether or not you perceived someone as being rude seems like small potatoes and not even worth a second thought. Again, why did he owe it to you to explain why you couldn't take pictures....wasn't a simple "you can't do that" enough? Like I said before, HIS patient may have actually died or been trying to die and he didn't have time or energy to give you extensive explanations.

As for the school secretary, the time to clarify your situation was when you were on the phone with her. Again, you don't know what she was going through that morning. Maybe her husband or child was in the hospital and like you, she had to go to work to pay the bills instead of being their with them. Let it go. The only reason to bring it up now is to make her feel bad. If nobody is going to die over it, it just isn't important enough to dwell on. Just like I couldn't see through the internet and see your whole story (the information that you didn't give), you don't know what is happening to all these people that you take offense from.

Jesus didn't say "forgive those who humble themselves and ask for forgiveness"...he said "when someone slaps your cheek, turn your head and give them the other cheek to slap too".

Luckily Jesus didn't wait to die on the cross until after you ask for forgiveness. He offered it even before you sinned and you only have to accept it. He forgave you first. We are to be like Jesus and offer forgiveness even before or in absence of the person actually asking for it.

Now go home and cuddle your baby and wife and stop being offended by things or people that aren't worth your time or energy. If you son really had instestinal failure after birth you are excessively lucky to have been able to bring him home. When he turns eighteen, is the story you want to tell him about the one hospital employee that you perceived as rude or all the wonderful nurses and doctors that kept him alive. This really is so small and trival and it is sad that you have let it escalate to something of such great offense in your mind.

(I am not allowed, even with patient's permission to take pictures of my patients or family members. There is a little 23 weeker in the NICU that I so wanted a picture to remember her by because I took care of her mother postpartum and visited this sweet precious soul multiple times before she died a few days later in the NICU. Her momma never got to hold her, she was too fragile. YOU have your son and a life time to take pictures of him living. Don't let anger consume your life so that you miss out on what is really important.)

 

[blackribbon]

Wow, great community here. I posted thinking I wouldn't get any responses, and look at you all! I'll try to respond with inline quotes:


The trivial matter was that the employee was rude.

I feel like "forcing them to apologize" is different than "asking for an apology". Forcing them is like saying "you'd better or else..." while asking is more like "are you aware that you did something wrong to me?" See below.

See above. Asking for an apology is more like letting them know something happened and then giving them the opportunity to respond however they want.

This was the conclusion that I came to as well... TBH I'm just not smart enough to get inside my own head on this one and figure it out, so maybe it's better to force that train of thought out of my head.

Yep, true that. Being humble 24/7 is a tough gig.

If it was a hospital employee, regardless of how he really felt, he would have been obliged to apologize. You would have never known if it was sincere. Everything we do is controlled by patient satisfaction surveys. We get in trouble for enforcing doctor's orders because someone doesn't like that doctor put them on a low salt diet because of a long history of heart disease...but the patient WANTS bacon, how dare I don't give my password so that dietary can override the diet orders that are in the best interest of the patient. We are taught to make the patient happy so they give us good scores on our survey because if we don't get good scores, the insurance companies won't pay their bills...never mind what is being asked isn't in the patient's best interest. That is not the best way to do medicine but guess what, it is what rules our every moment at the hospital. We should be focused on making people healthy, no happy.

Guess what. I apologize all day long....even when I am right and the patient is wrong...even when the patient has done something wrong to me. I do it with a smile. It is part of my job description. It really isn't that hard to be humble and stop worrying about all the little slights in life and instead to focus on the important things.

 

[Lukamu]

Honestly, if you had permission to take the pictures why did you back down and get all offended?

Because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it and we had already gotten several other pictures. You really think I should have taken that moment to argue with the hospital employee and try to prove my point? That sounds like bad advice to me.

You said "professional portraits" ... not a volunteer photographer

It was a professional who was volunteering their time. Hence, she was a professional photographer who was taking our portraits. It's not my fault that you are assuming details of my story instead of asking me to clarify them.

Next, in the grand scheme of things what happened to him, WHY is this so important to you that you are dwelling on it?

We have had several horrible experiences with hospital employees during our stay. I used this example because it was something that happened today, not because it was SO important to me.

Again, why did he owe it to you to explain why you couldn't take pictures....wasn't a simple "you can't do that" enough?

I didn't say that he owed me an explanation, I said that he was rude in the way that he told us not to take the pictures.

Like I said before, HIS patient may have actually died or been trying to die and he didn't have time or energy to give you extensive explanations.

Except that he was just security who sits by the front door all day and doesn't have any patients. Again, why are you assuming so much?

As for the school secretary, the time to clarify your situation was when you were on the phone with her.

I had just clarified the situation to her. I told her what was going on and she acted like I was some irresponsible father for not having a contingency plan in case my newborn son almost died and had to be flown out of state for emergency surgery. I even tried saying, "I'm in the ambulance right now and we don't know if he's going to make it," and she just huffed about it like my dying son was the biggest inconvenience to her in the world.

. The only reason to bring it up now is to make her feel bad. If nobody is going to die over it, it just isn't important enough to dwell on.

Except for two things: one, she still works as the secretary and I still have to work with her on a daily basis. Unlike the security fellow, who I will more than likely never see again, she is someone who is part of my daily life for the forseeable future. Two, this wasn't the first or last time that she acted like this. Sometimes I just avoid her because I don't want to get upset when she treats me like an inconvenience.

Now go home and cuddle your baby and wife and stop being offended by things or people that aren't worth your time or energy.

My wife and baby are 600 miles away from me right now. Did you not read my story? My life has been turned upside down for the last five months, which is probably why the small things like security guards being rude are getting to me.

This really is so small and trival and it is sad that you have let it escalate to something of such great offense in your mind.

"Escalate to something of such great offense?" I've already said that the rudeness was a small thing and that I was using it as an example because it had happened recently, not because it was the biggest issue I had on my mind.

Guess what. I apologize all day long.

This post is NOT about apologizing. It is about whether or not one should ASK for an apology.

If it was a hospital employee, regardless of how he really felt, he would have been obliged to apologize. You would have never known if it was sincere.

Maybe if I said something like, "You should apologize for being rude (demanding an apology)." But if I said, "It was kind of rude the way that you approached us," then he could have responded however he wanted to.

 

[Mountainmike]

But it is a trivial matter!

Is being Rude the worst you have ever done to anyone else?

How many times should you turn the other cheek?

Wow, great community here. I posted thinking I wouldn't get any responses, and look at you all! I'll try to respond with inline quotes:


The trivial matter was that the employee was rude.

I feel like "forcing them to apologize" is different than "asking for an apology". Forcing them is like saying "you'd better or else..." while asking is more like "are you aware that you did something wrong to me?" See below.

See above. Asking for an apology is more like letting them know something happened and then giving them the opportunity to respond however they want.

This was the conclusion that I came to as well... TBH I'm just not smart enough to get inside my own head on this one and figure it out, so maybe it's better to force that train of thought out of my head.

Yep, true that. Being humble 24/7 is a tough gig.

 

[Phil 1:21]

My son suffered intestinal failure and almost died the day after he was born. He/we have been living in the hospital for the last five months, he has had five major surgeries and we didn't know if he was going to make it or not for the first 3 months. My wife and I have been apart for the last 2 months because I had to go back to work to keep our health insurance, but I took a week off to go and see them because he was finally discharged from the hospital two weeks ago, although he still isnt allowed to come home for three more weeks. An employee at the hospital arranged for us to meet with a volunteer photographer and then told us to go and take pictures in the hospital. And yes, I did apologize, and your whole post is rather insensitive and offensive.

My friend, I mean this with all sincere love and compassion. You have a lot more important things with which to spend energy than the perceived rudeness of someone telling you to stop taking pictures.

 

[Lukamu]

My friend, I mean this with all sincere love and compassion. You have a lot more important things with which to spend energy than the perceived rudeness of someone telling you to stop taking pictures.

The important thing that I'm spending energy on is trying to figure out why I get upset so easily, why I sometimes have trouble forgiving people for something when they seem unaware or unapologetic, and whether or not it's appropriate for a Christian to express that they feel wronged by something to the person who wronged them. Hopefully you can see that those questions are important. I'm sorry that I used the photographer as an example. I agree that it was trivial, I got over it about an hour after it happened, and everyone seems to be caught up in dismantling my example rather than addressing the important questions. You seem wise, so I hope that you might have something more to say.

 

[Lukamu]

But it is a trivial matter!

Is being Rude the worst you have ever done to anyone else?

How many times should you turn the other cheek?

Sure, turn the other cheek and then storm away mad and unforgiving. Either that or pretend like I'm not bothered, which I'm sure is unhealthy. I don't want to fool myself or lie to myself about my emotions, I want to get them in check. And yes, it was trivial! That's what I said! And I got over it an hour or two after it happened! I'm not stuck on this rude security guy, I'm stuck on my problem of getting mad and not being able to forgive people!

 

[Phil 1:21]

The important thing that I'm spending energy on is trying to figure out why I get upset so easily, why I sometimes have trouble forgiving people for something when they seem unaware or unapologetic, and whether or not it's appropriate for a Christian to express that they feel wronged by something to the person who wronged them. Hopefully you can see that those questions are important. I'm sorry that I used the photographer as an example. I agree that it was trivial, I got over it about an hour after it happened, and everyone seems to be caught up in dismantling my example rather than addressing the important questions. You seem wise, so I hope that you might have something more to say.

Introspection is a wonderful thing. I suspect a short temper is perhaps a byproduct of the stress you no doubt are experiencing due to the health of your child. I can't imagine what that must be like. God bless.

 

[Blade]

For me.. see them..try to see the heart..we cant but.. with HIS help.. let HIM show you the real person.. its not about YOU. For me..if I have to ASK for it..I dont want it..so I dont go that way...nor look at it like that any more. What is LOVE? How are we to be thinking always PHil 4?