Should I be Concerned still or no?

[HolyOne87]

Ok, well, during the months I was not on here, I grew more with my faith, and also found a guy at my church. We started dating. We've been dating for about 4 months now.

The thing is..there is a girl he talks to who lives in California (we live in New York). She is engaged, but the way they talk to each other is weird. She calls my boyfriend babe and stuff like that. She also talks to him constantly on text message. When we are going out, and while we are out, she is texting him constantly. It's like we don't have a moments peace. And he has the need to get up at least once to check his mail online while we are out. I told him of my concern too, and he was like I have nothing to worry about. He even had the girl talk to me (it annoyed me that he told her; i wanted to keep it between him and i). But it's like, now i feel every time i tell him something, he will blurt it to her. I know they've known each other for 5 years, but still. I'd like to keep some things secret. And he seems so obsessive with checking his phone too, seeing if she left him any messages. In the span of a half hour, he pulled his phone out at least more then 10 times.

Should I be bugging over this? or am I just over-reacting and getting bent out of shape over nothing?

 

[HolyOne87]

thanks for your advice Lynn! i appreciate it!

 

[Isbjorn]

Hi HolyOne87,

I'm sorry but this doesn't sound good.

YOU should be the centre of his attention and for me that's how a relationship between two people should and must be. I once saw a relationship programme and this very issue came up i.e you're out on a date with someone but they won't switch off their mobile phone and/or are constantly checking it. The relationshp "expert/adviser" said that this was a bad sign and basically showed that the other person just doesn't feel the same as you....

I'm guessing that your heart is wanting the/a relationship but your head is sounding an alarm bell.....and I know it's painful. The attention he's giving this other girl/woman is what he should be giving you!.

For me there has got to be 100% mutal trust and comfort in a relationship. "They two shall be one flesh".

With Christian love.

Isbjorn

 

[PinkSpider]

I don't think there's anything wrong with his friendship with this person, but if I was in your position I would definitely feel like he enjoyed her company more than mine, and that's not good in a relationship at all.

As always, communication is key. If something is bugging you, even if you think it might be trivial, it's best not to ignore it.

Although I have to mention: She's his best friend of five years. Trying to dictate what he can or can't say to her is probably going to breed some resentment.

 

[HolyOne87]

i talked to him last night, and he said again that i have nothing to worry about. He says this girl is nothing but a close friend of his and thats it. He apologized that he did say something to her, but he just didn't want me to be upset over something I shouldn't be upset over, and felt if both him and her told me that it would get through to me that nothing is going on.

He says that she is just there when he undergoes problems and they were always there for each other. Nothing more, nothing less.

I guess that sounds reasonable. What do you think?

(thank you all for your advice. You all rock)

 

[peanutbutter12]

I have a friend like that as well, and another friend who calls me pet names who I grew up with. There is nothing to worry about there and it's something you will have to live with because there is a high chance this girl is going to be a permanent fixture in your life if you continue a relationship with him, and you cannot and should not ever ask him to end a friendship over jealousy, though by the way you speak, I highly doubt that would be the case at all.

As for the phone thing, I just read an interesting article yesterday that people have become very addicted to their blackberries. I'm sure it's the same thing with texting in general as well. We've become a very "connected" generation. Heck, I'm sure there are people who need huge doses of Valium when ChristianForums goes down. lol In any event, that might be a whole other topic you need to discuss with him because you do need your private time as well.

 

[Godzila]

No. It is not okay.

You may feel threatened if some other girl seems to know more about your boyfriend than you do. Why does he NEED to talk with her about his problems? It don't matter. Why doesn't he just talk with his parents? Or better yet talk with you? Even if a guy has a really good friend, who is a girl, he should understand that it is not okay if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

I surely wouldn't like it if a girl that I like is talking to some other guy, especially about personal stuff.

 

[PinkSpider]

Glad things seemed to work out. You sound like everything pretty much turned out alright.

I agree with the person who said you should get to know the girl.

@Godzilla: Why is it not ok to confide in your best friend of five years about things? Are you seriously saying that the guy should break off contact with anyone the girl might be uncomfortable with? That doesn't sound healthy at all.

 

[Godzila]

No. I didn't say they should break up their friendship.

I say he shouldn't make her feel like his best friend is much more closer to him than she is.

 

[PinkSpider]

I say he shouldn't make her feel like his best friend is much more closer to him than she is.

I agree with that sentiment completely.

My apologies.

 

[peanutbutter12]

No. It is not okay.

You may feel threatened if some other girl seems to know more about your boyfriend than you do. Why does he NEED to talk with her about his problems? It don't matter. Why doesn't he just talk with his parents? Or better yet talk with you? Even if a guy has a really good friend, who is a girl, he should understand that it is not okay if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

I surely wouldn't like it if a girl that I like is talking to some other guy, especially about personal stuff.

Because she is obviously someone he trusts with his life and knows wouldn't judge him even when the information is sensitive. Do you talk with your parents about all your problems? I know I sure don't. I'm also guessing that this is a newer relationship, newer being under a year, and that there is some information he's not willing or wanting to share with his girlfriend at this point in time.

Also, you're missing a major issue here: you can't make everyone happy 100% of the time. Granted, he shouldn't go out of his way to make someone feel uncomfortable, that would just be rude. But obviously this person has been in his life much longer than she has so she knew about this before getting into a relationship (at least I hope she would), so who would be in the wrong? Someone who has a close, trusting relationship with another person who happens to be another gender? Or someone who comes into a relationship and tries to change that person?

If you have a problem with your girlfriend even talking to guys, be prepared for a lot of failed relationships in the future. Love is not jealous. There is being protective, and there is being absurd. I've seen a lot of guys who don't like their girls talking to guys and it always ends badly. My wife has male friends, I have female friends. We have a strong bond of trust and know that friendship is the only place it would ever go. If you have no trust, you have no love.

 

[Godzila]

It's all fine. The problem I see is that it makes her uncomfortable. Any person can have a really close friend that is of opposite sex. The point I'm trying to make here is that you have to realize when you're in a relationship, you must establish trust. It seems her boyfriend hasn't been very successful in doing so. I suggest for her boyfriend to just spend some alone and really come to a compromise and understanding of what is going on.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

When you're in a serious serious relationship, your opposite sex best friend should be your SO. NO exceptions. Anything aside from that will lead to nowhere good.

 

[Godzila]

SO? what is that mean?

 

[HolyOne87]

It's interesting. She got on the defense (the girl) because he hasn't been talking to her a lot as he usually would. She told me (when he had her talk to me) that she is use to my boyfriend being single not with someone. Now that he's with me, he isn't around 24/7 like she wants him to be. He got frustrated with her the other night because she expects him to just sit on a computer and wait for her. He does that sometimes, yet she doesn't even come on. And then she yelled at him, via text message. He contacted her since then, and she hasn't responded.

I don't get it. She seems a little awkward now in this sense. She knows he is dating me, so shouldn't she know he isn't always available now. He even says he is finally busy doing things for once, which he hasn't been before.

What do you think?

(thanks for the continued responses!)

 

[HolyOne87]

and shes back in the picture again..they made up supposibly.
and she keeps texting him now..and one text he said "i'll ttyl, i am out". apparently she seemed fussy i guess

 

[HolyOne87]

and shes texting him again..they made up supposibly. it was nonstop for a half hour then when he said "im out i'l ttyl" she continues to text him(twice or so). so im a little agitated. its going to be nights again where she texts most of the time. wheres her fiance in all this???day and night texting my boyfriend. her fiance works nights, so she feels she has got to text my boyfriend. i dont care if its every here and there..but every night im out w/ him. she even got agitated when he didnt respond sunday, when he specifically said he was going to my family outing w/ me. what is going on here? why is she so dependent on him? he told me when she was a few years younger, she opened up to him about a serious issue..and since then, she has been(so it seems) dependent on him. i feel i dont get alone time w/ him because she always texts him. Him and i were sitting and watching a movie one night and she texted him 2 or 3 times in the span of 45 minutes. ugh, am i [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed over nothing? i somewhat cant stand her now. after that one night she talked to me 2 weeks ago, she deleted me(im assuming) from her MSN and that was all. she approves of me for my boyfriend(her dependency), but ugh. im getting so annoyed. its like "do you have that many issues in your life that you have to text my boyfriend 24/7???". i dont mind them talking, but ALL THE TIME pretty much is a bit much.

 

[HolyOne87]

yeah. last night, he didn't even text me saying he got home(usually he does). he called her. so i was going crazy, all worried thinking something happened to him.

i called him and he was like "sorry i was on the phone". i knew it was her because when he was texting her i was looking his way (he was in front of me) and he told her he'd call her when he got in.

and just now, we are at his uncles and his uncle was like"im heading to the market" and hes like "ill join you". and he didnt ask if i wanted to go. he left me a this uncles.

then no sooner he came back, he of course had to check his emails and see if Jenny(the girl who is the messenger) messenged him. he keeps checking his phone seeing if she will text him.

i told him last night that im frustrated that she always seems to text when we are out together. he was like "she is not trying to come between us" and not to get upset with him. i, of course, said "okay. i wont" and he was like "i love you..your the best". but it still bugs me. each time i get fussy he doesnt get why(usually i do when he texts her back and forth while im sitting right there w/ him.

i cant stand this girl now. she is becoming a pain. and as everyone said, where the fiance??

my friend jokingly said i should find a way to talk to her fiance and see how she gets. he did say it as a joke. i wouldnt actually do that though.

but ugh, enough texting. he says he doesnt talk to her all the time, but it sure seems like it when each time we are together they are talking.

i really feel like punching a punching bag nonstop. im more angry now not upset.

i dont get jealous easily anymore, but who cant get jealous of this??

 

[HolyOne87]

i understand where your coming from.
i dont want to lose him though, but this girl is driving me nuts.

and why does she have to know what him and i are going through??i dont ask him to tell me what he tells her..so why does he feel the need to tell her things..so now everytime i tell him something private or somewhat private i say "and please dont tell jenny..i appreciate it"..its sad that i actually have to tell him to not say anything. they seem so obsessive with each other. i feel in the way..why dont they get married for goodness sakes.
even though he said tonight to me "nothing ever happened between jenny and i..and nothing ever will".

 

[Godzila]

Give him a time limit. If he doesn't stop by then, I suggest asking yourself if he is worth spending the rest of your life with , as he'll not let go of this habbit with his friend.

If you told him to stop, and he doesn't...it only tells me how much respect he has for your feelings.