1 I wanted some help or guidance from God in either being happy in my current circumstances or finding something else to do with my life, and God seemed to be totally unhelpful.
2 I had an experience/hallucination that made me start feeling that reality isn't what it seems, and yet I had no idea what reality actually was. That made me depressed and confused.
3 Christian theology seems highly macabre. As I brooded and brooded, I began to wonder if God might actually be an evil pretender because all this talk of drinking blood and eating flesh seemed suggestive of that. Eventually I started to suspect that this was a test to see if I had the perceptiveness to see that God was actually evil and Satan was actually good and follow the true good instead of the phony good. But I never had that courage. I only became confused.
At first I wanted to find a different denomination of Christianity that was less into superstitious nonsense. I thought the Quakers might be a possibility or maybe some sort of non-denominational church. Then I learned about psychosis and began to realize that I imagined all the evidence that I was trying to comprehend and respond to.
I'd like to talk about these 3 points you made briefly if we could? ( I numbered them in your post). These are not rebuttals, I am just giving you my experience and what I have learned as a Christian.
1. This is my life, everyday...seeking guidance and not receiving it even though I pray everyday. But then I have also been prayed over and healed instantly. And I have received things that took 3 years of prayer. Daniel prayed, and had the messenger of his prayer withheld by a fallen angel for 21 days. Christianity is a war between two kingdoms. The same angels that came against Daniels prayer are the rulers of this world. Part of Christs mission is to take these kingdoms back, which is something that is progressive until He returns. But I also think that we are meant to be adults, we will judge angels, and I so I think God, like a good parent, wants us to grow in maturity and self sufficiency in regards to decisions.
2. I am the same way only that I believe very strongly that reality is not what it seems. "Hallucination" is not an explanation, it is a statement. An explanation explains why something happened, "hallucination" doesn't explain why it happened, it is a statement that it didn't happen. If God created you, and a spiritual world exists that you should be informed of then it stands to reason that God would create in you a way to comprehend that spiritual world. Our consciousness is oriented toward physical comprehension, and so to comprehend a spiritual phenomenon it must inject itself into our consciousness in a physical way. For example lets say a spirit is in front of you. Your eyes are incapable of seeing a ghost, however if it is important for you to be aware that there is a ghost in front of you then you will see a ghost in your vision inside your consciousness. We do not see with the tip of our eyes, we see from inside our conscious. So I would not discount your experiences unless they have an explanation, which "hallucination" is not. Additionally you should believe a personal experience unless you have a sufficient defeater for that experience. Otherwise one can suffer an infinite regress of doubt.
3. Communion is a remembrance of Christ sacrifice. Protestants do not take the wine and bread to literally be Christs body and blood. When Christ said
take my body and blood He is not asking people to eat Him, He is asking people to take the sacrifice He is making for our sins. When we repent, our sins are transmitted to Christ who receives them. To become a Christian is to repent, and transmit those sins to Christ who received our guilt. Communion is a meal of fellowship, as it was in the upper room, where we remember Christs sacrifice for us through the symbols of his sacrifice for us by ourselves owning to the lamb who was slain for us.
A Catholic believes differently about the communion and I can't speak for them. So if there is one available please give your view and I ask Christians not to debate them here.
