She lied about her virginity,he's devasted

[DYOLF]

No offense but this idea of a woman having "mileage" is sickening. She's a HUMAN being, not a car or material object. If Tim and other men hold this viewpoint then I can't blame women for being hesitant to share information about a sexual past with them.

Again, I don't agree with what she did but Tim needs to be looking to God to solve this instead of taking it into his own hands.

I'm sorry for a lack of a better term.I do not mean to put anyone down in this,I'm discussing this with a genuine heart and love of God.I know this is a sensitive subject on its own but then we are also adults who should be able to discuss issues without personalising them.I'm really sorry if you find this offensive.

On the other hand I'm sure what guys do not want are surprises.If the guy had known about his woman's status he would just have said 'that's all in the past do not worry about it.Problem is he found out himself on his wedding day man,after all the confetti and wedding cake and all that stuff.Worse was to come through reports.

 

[rturner76]

I agree that he should be able to deal in a normal situation but I think it's the lying that got him not the miles. He thought she lived her life all this time by certain principles, morals, values. Not only did she not live by these, but she lied and said she did which is another moral issue. I'm sure if she would have been honest in the beginning, he could have gotten over it. It must have come up at some point for him to think she was a virgin. At some point, she looked him in the face and lied right to it. Very disrespectful. He's not high and might for being a virgin. He probably would have bagged her sooner if he knew. It's the lie.

She is not who he thought she was, grounds for annulment I'm pretty sure in the Catholic Church anyway especially if they never consummated. As for miles, I hope he put a couple more miles on her before he threw her in the trash where she belongs! (just kidding harsh!)

 

[Hadassah_]

I'm selfish!

Yes we know, Kevin.

 

[acropolis]

People view sex differently and 'sexual mileage' matters to most men.
If the guy had known how many miles had been clocked during the dating phase he would just have accepted.What disappointed him and many guys in this situation would be like thinking she has 'zero miles' on the clock only to find out differently after getting married.It's the trust issue here man.I'm hurting with this dude man,this guy's suffering right now.It's not that the woman is less valuable if you had never discussed this but deliberately misrepresenting facts.If she had clocked a few miles no problem but she lived with her ex then she pretends she's still a virgin.It's the magnitude of the lies that are really worrying.If she can hide this how much more can she hide?How will the guy believe her next time she tells him something?

That whole car metaphor is disgusting, as if women were somehow worn out or used up by sex. They aren't, and it's awful to think that way and treat women worse because of it. You should be embarrassed to make such statements.

Yeah lies are bad, but people only lie when they think they have to. Maybe if Tim wasn't such a tool he wouldn't be concerned about how many 'miles' she has on her and she could have been totally forthright with him. Ugh that whole mindset is so patriarchal and Victorian-era, seriously that nonsense needs to stop.

 

[Sketcher]

You're a liar. I'm a manipulator. The next poster is selfish and a few of us have sinned in our lives.

Are we unforgivable? Are we unworthy of marriage to another Christian? Should we never be trusted by anyone again? Should spouses divorce spouses based on PAST and FORGIVEN sins?

The basis of this as I understand it is that she lied to him from the moment she told him she was a virgin to the point that he found out the truth. Not the past sex that had been forgiven. You don't minimize something like this. Yeah divorce isn't an option, but there needs to be more sympathy and less impulsive advice.

 

[DYOLF]

That whole car metaphor is disgusting, as if women were somehow worn out or used up by sex. They aren't, and it's awful to think that way and treat women worse because of it. You should be embarrassed to make such statements.

Yeah lies are bad, but people only lie when they think they have to. Maybe if Tim wasn't such a tool he wouldn't be concerned about how many 'miles' she has on her and she could have been totally forthright with him. Ugh that whole mindset is so patriarchal and Victorian-era, seriously that nonsense needs to stop.

Non of the ladies in the house found that insulting but thanks for sharing your opinion.

 

[Sketcher]

Yeah lies are bad, but people only lie when they think they have to. Maybe if Tim wasn't such a tool he wouldn't be concerned about how many 'miles' she has on her and she could have been totally forthright with him. Ugh that whole mindset is so patriarchal and Victorian-era, seriously that nonsense needs to stop.

I don't know if he's a tool or not, but if he were, that wouldn't make the lying any less disgusting.

 

[Amber.ly]

The basis of this as I understand it is that she lied to him from the moment she told him she was a virgin to the point that he found out the truth. Not the past sex that had been forgiven. You don't minimize something like this. Yeah divorce isn't an option, but there needs to be more sympathy and less impulsive advice.

My advice is never impulsive and I try hard to make sure it is Biblically sound.

I'm willing to be proven wrong. By scripture that is. What do you have that backs up your stance that he has every right to leave her and not forgive?

 

[Verve]

I personally find the car metaphor insulting and disgusting as well. It's not like people have an odometer or something. Plus, if she's forgiven for her past why did he even care?

 

[DYOLF]

I personally find the car metaphor insulting and disgusting as well. It's not like people have an odometer or something. Plus, if she's forgiven for her past why did he even care?

My apologies for using such,I was trying to be as clear as possible without being vulgar.Thanks for highlighting.

Problem in this case is,it's not like the woman repented,she was found out not to be what she claimed to be.

 

[acropolis]

Non of the ladies in the house found that insulting but thanks for sharing your opinion.

Just because they aren't calling you out doesn't mean they don't think it.

 

[Nom De Guerre]

Lying is a justifyable reason for annulment.

My sentiments exactly... she would never have my trust again, and I may even sue her (if I was American) for any number of reasons.

I'm no virgin either, and I would have accepted her past easily; but, that's the type of thing that would always make me wonder what else she's lying, or lied, to me about. If it's that easy to lie about something so small... how can I trust her with my life, my love? She doesn't deserve me.

 

[Hadassah_]

I personally find the car metaphor insulting and disgusting as well. It's not like people have an odometer or something. Plus, if she's forgiven for her past why did he even care?

Me too. I found it very degrading.

 

[Stravinsk]

The lying would bother me a lot, not the amount of partners. This is the person you are entrusting your life with - who will be your other half

and...they don't think enough of you and the relationship to be honest?

I'd be super upset if I were Tim - and not because of the amount of partners - but the lie.

The person I married had had more partners than me by a long shot - and while she was not proud of that - she was upfront and honest about it and I respected her for that honestly and accepted it.

Lying IS grounds for annulment. People say you should just forgive and forget - because it's just virginity or lack of that's the issue - but again...

*Would they say the same thing if they found out after they made their vows that the person they married was a hitman, had 5 children to 5 different guys, was $200,000 in debt etc etc? *

 

[Sketcher]

My advice is never impulsive and I try hard to make sure it is Biblically sound.

I'm willing to be proven wrong. By scripture that is. What do you have that backs up your stance that he has every right to leave her and not forgive?

That's not my stance. Divorce/annulment in this case is Biblically indefensible.

My point is that people are being hard on Tim without any real basis, and that having him read Hosea at this juncture is probably a bad idea. When someone has suffered more than we have, we need to keep quiet because what we think is the right thing to say often makes it worse. And when we have suffered as much as someone else, we know to handle that situation with care.

 

[Obzocky]

My apologies for using such,I was trying to be as clear as possible without being vulgar.Thanks for highlighting.

Problem in this case is,it's not like the woman repented,she was found out not to be what she claimed to be.

So ... is the issue the fact she failed to disclose a full sexual history, the fact she lied about being a virgin, or the fact she is not a virgin?

Do you know if she repented? Have you asked her? Did she change her ways once she met this man, decide upon abstaining till marriage, then he discovered that she was not as he believed her to be? Did he outright ask her "are you a virgin?" and she said "yes. Yes I am". What were these reports? Medical reports? People who said things to him about her?

The lie; explore the reasons why she lied, why she couldn't tell him, and why he feels so strongly about it. Will the trust ever be there again, could it be rebuilt, if not then yes, the relationship should be broken down as one/both partners are unwilling to work on the issue.

Everything else; it happened. You either get past the fact it happened or you don't, and if you can not/will not then you should look at why you entered the relationship in the first place.

You being general you.
Not specific you.

 

[Lord Of The Forest]

But my focus here is on the fact that she lied to him in order to get him. She's a liar. She's manipulator. She's over-selfish. She has no integrity. I do not see how Hosea would be of any benefit to him.

Perhaps. Or perhaps she was afraid that he wouldn't love her if he knew of her past that she herself was ashamed of. Is this lie a subterfuge with which her designs are to break Tim's heart? I don't think so.

Still, it's Tim's duty to give her a chance. We've all made dreadful mistakes, whether in thought or deed, and if the sins of the heart were also counted against us, we would be shown equal in wickedness. Unregenerate, Tim was no different than was his wife before she was saved.

Certainly his wife has baggage, but so do we all. Tim has done some awful things too. We may not know them, but we may be assured that God does, and yet He still loves Tim; why shouldn't Tim honour the promise he made by also loving his wife?

 

[Keri]

Oh wow, so much to reply to. I'll start with the bottom. I see what Obzocky is saying, that where is the issue exactly? Whether she lied or the fact that she's not a virgin. I think this dude has a huge problem with the fact she's not a virgin. I could bet you that he would have dismissed her the moment he found out if she would have revealed during dating. I think it's wrong that she lied, but I could see why she did. She didn't want to be judged, which is exactly what he's doing now.

I also found the car analogy absolutely disgusting.

My question is why is annulment not being brought up. Annulment is not divorce. Maybe to some super legalistic Christians it could be considered a divorce but it's not, it's like the marriage never happened. He seems completely focused on HIS pride, and seems really unforgiving, then he should just proceed with an annulment as to not tarnish his "good name" with a dirty divorce. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, the dude has two choices, to get over it and forgive her, or to get a divorce/annulment. It really doesn't matter what other people think, the choice is his.

 

[kevlite2020]

I personally find the car metaphor insulting and disgusting as well. It's not like people have an odometer or something. Plus, if she's forgiven for her past why did he even care?

Don't you love how only women would be looked at like that? Healthy Christian attitude.

 

[Obzocky]

Oh wow, so much to reply to. I'll start with the bottom. I see what Obzocky is saying, that where is the issue exactly? Whether she lied or the fact that she's not a virgin. I think this dude has a huge problem with the fact she's not a virgin. I could bet you that he would have dismissed her the moment he found out if she would have revealed during dating. I think it's wrong that she lied, but I could see why she did. She didn't want to be judged, which is exactly what he's doing now.

I also found the car analogy absolutely disgusting.

My question is why is annulment not being brought up. Annulment is not divorce. Maybe to some super legalistic Christians it could be considered a divorce but it's not, it's like the marriage never happened. He seems completely focused on HIS pride, and seems really unforgiving, then he should just proceed with an annulment as to not tarnish his "good name" with a dirty divorce. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, the dude has two choices, to get over it and forgive her, or to get a divorce/annulment. It really doesn't matter what other people think, the choice is his.

Can I just publicly say I agree with you completely and love the way you word things so clearly?