She lied about her virginity,he's devasted

[Hadassah_]

I know in my head that Tim is wrong to move out of the house, and he would be wrong to divorce her and move on to someone else. Would I have reacted any better? Can't say for sure that I would.


This is precisely why "born again virgin" and "second virginity" are bogus terms that the church would do well to rid itself of. God forgives, yes, but people need to be honest with each other.

Completely agree!!

I would be more upset about the lie than I would what the lie was about.

 

[Thunder Peel]

I also have to ask why we're putting Tim on a pedestal. Is he without sin? Is there nothing in his past that he regrets or hasn't told his wife about? It sounds like we're placing emphasis on one particular sin and ignoring others. Sin is sin and we're ALL guilty of it. I'm sure Tim has more than a few things in his past that he'd rather forget too.

 

[Amber.ly]

Have Tim read Hosea and then I bet he will feel pretty good about who he has in his marriage. A women who made mistakes but lived in purity with her husband. That to me is something he should be thankful for, not vindictive about.

Lying or misleading is very hurtful and I imagine counseling needs to address the trust issue but her past isn't the main issue, how to build a better marriage is.

 

[Sketcher]

I also have to ask why we're putting Tim on a pedestal. Is he without sin? Is there nothing in his past that he regrets or hasn't told his wife about? It sounds like we're placing emphasis on one particular sin and ignoring others. Sin is sin and we're ALL guilty of it. I'm sure Tim has more than a few things in his past that he'd rather forget too.

Did Tim lie to her for two years? I'm not going to say that someone who was deeply wronged had to have done something as bad or worse beforehand.

 

[Hadassah_]

I also have to ask why we're putting Tim on a pedestal. Is he without sin? Is there nothing in his past that he regrets or hasn't told his wife about? It sounds like we're placing emphasis on one particular sin and ignoring others. Sin is sin and we're ALL guilty of it. I'm sure Tim has more than a few things in his past that he'd rather forget too.

In all honesty, the question was about his wife who lied to him. He may have things in his past but was he honest about them? And if not, does it bother her as much as it bothers him? If not, then perhaps the issue lies with Tim than her.

Regardless there is the deception and the heart of it does need to be discovered and they BOTH need to find out the reason behind it.

 

[Sketcher]

Have Tim read Hosea and then I bet he will feel pretty good about who he has in his marriage. A women who made mistakes but lived in purity her husband. That to me is something he should be thankful for, not vindictive about.

At that point, Murphy's Law may well set into his mind. He can't trust her. Why wouldn't it set off more of a downward spiral in his own mind?

 

[acropolis]

The concept that women are less valuable for having 'tainted' themselves with sex is harmful and archaic and needs to be dispensed with. Guys who get upset about the previous partners of a woman are insecure little creeps that need to grow up.

 

[Amber.ly]

At that point, Murphy's Law may well set into his mind. He can't trust her. Why wouldn't it set off more of a downward spiral in his own mind?

Because he shouldn't be trusting her, he should be trusting God with his marriage. Last time I checked, God ONLY make a provision for divorce for adultery WITHIN the marriage, not before it. And even then, divorce is still something God hates.

 

[DYOLF]

Have Tim read Hosea and then I bet he will feel pretty good about who he has in his marriage. A women who made mistakes but lived in purity with her husband. That to me is something he should be thankful for, not vindictive about.

Lying or misleading is very hurtful and I imagine counseling needs to address the trust issue but her past isn't the main issue, how to build a better marriage is.

But Hosea was commanded by God to go look for the woman.
He wasnt lied to about the woman's virginity.He knew what he was getting himself into unlike this brother who found out after saying 'I do.'

 

[Lord Of The Forest]

Because he shouldn't be trusting her, he should be trusting God with his marriage. Last time I checked, God ONLY make a provision for divorce for adultery WITHIN the marriage, not before it. And even then, divorce is still something God hates.

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

 

[Amber.ly]

But Hosea was commanded by God to go look for the woman.
He wasnt lied to about the woman's virginity.He knew what he was getting himself into unlike this brother who found out after saying 'I do.'

So what you are saying is that Tim married a woman when God had not given His blessing on the marriage? Because it sounds like you are saying that God told Tim not to marry her, unlike Hosea whose marriage God planned.

Sounds like Tim was the one who made the original mistake and now he is facing the consequences of it.

And if you want to argue that God did bless the marriage and obviously He knew about the wife's past, why would God allow Tim to leave a marriage He has blessed?

 

[Thunder Peel]

Because he shouldn't be trusting her, he should be trusting God with his marriage. Last time I checked, God ONLY make a provision for divorce for adultery WITHIN the marriage, not before it. And even then, divorce is still something God hates.

Ditto.

God can work through this situation and make their marriage stronger and bring them closer together. However, just giving up isn't going to solve anything. I can understand Tim is hurt by this but he still needs to man up and ask God for direction and provision in this.

 

[DYOLF]

The concept that women are less valuable for having 'tainted' themselves with sex is harmful and archaic and needs to be dispensed with. Guys who get upset about the previous partners of a woman are insecure little creeps that need to grow up.

People view sex differently and 'sexual mileage' matters to most men.
If the guy had known how many miles had been clocked during the dating phase he would just have accepted.What disappointed him and many guys in this situation would be like thinking she has 'zero miles' on the clock only to find out differently after getting married.It's the trust issue here man.I'm hurting with this dude man,this guy's suffering right now.It's not that the woman is less valuable if you had never discussed this but deliberately misrepresenting facts.If she had clocked a few miles no problem but she lived with her ex then she pretends she's still a virgin.It's the magnitude of the lies that are really worrying.If she can hide this how much more can she hide?How will the guy believe her next time she tells him something?

 

[Sketcher]

Because he shouldn't be trusting her, he should be trusting God with his marriage. Last time I checked, God ONLY make a provision for divorce for adultery WITHIN the marriage, not before it. And even then, divorce is still something God hates.

I agree with you on divorce. But my focus here is on the fact that she lied to him in order to get him. She's a liar. She's manipulator. She's over-selfish. She has no integrity. I do not see how Hosea would be of any benefit to him.

 

[Thunder Peel]

People view sex differently and 'sexual mileage' matters to most men.
If the guy had known how many miles had been clocked during the dating phase he would just have accepted.What disappointed him and many guys in this situation would be like thinking she has 'zero miles' on the clock only to find out differently after getting married.It's the trust issue here man.I'm hurting with this dude man,this guy's suffering right now.It's not that the woman is less valuable if you had never discussed this but deliberately misrepresenting facts.If she had clocked a few miles no problem but she lived with her ex then she pretends she's still a virgin.It's the magnitude of the lies that are really worrying.If she can hide this how much more can she hide?How will the guy believe her next time she tells him something?

No offense but this idea of a woman having "mileage" is sickening. She's a HUMAN being, not a car or material object. If Tim and other men hold this viewpoint then I can't blame women for being hesitant to share information about a sexual past with them.

Again, I don't agree with what she did but Tim needs to be looking to God to solve this instead of taking it into his own hands.

 

[kevlite2020]

People view sex differently and 'sexual mileage' matters to most men.

 

[Stravinsk]

They got married last week and Tim found out the girl was not a virgin.Naturally he's not very impressed.Not only was Sue not a virgin,she actually used to live with her ex boyfriend for 2 good years in another town.Apparently Sue was really wild at University too and many guys had their first sexual encounter with her according to reports.All this has now surfaced and Tim is feeling like a mug in all this for being so trusting.He does not want this marriage to continue because he feels like the woman lied to him and he can never trust her again.The new couple has been getting counselling but Tim has moved out of their new house.

What would you have done if you were Tim?

Let's extend this a little further:

She has AIDS
She has Gonorrhea
She has two children Tim didn't know about

Does that change the situation for anyone?

If she LIED about all this - if she purposely and with intent presented a completely false image of her past so as to lure Tim in

He has every right to seek annulment of the marriage - because the person he "married" was a figment of imagination planted by her deliberately.

 

[DYOLF]

So what you are saying is that Tim married a woman when God had not given His blessing on the marriage? Because it sounds like you are saying that God told Tim not to marry her, unlike Hosea whose marriage God planned.

Sounds like Tim was the one who made the original mistake and now he is facing the consequences of it.

And if you want to argue that God did bless the marriage and obviously He knew about the wife's past, why would God allow Tim to leave a marriage He has blessed?

There's a difference between a commandment like Hoseah got and permission like Tim had.God permitted Israel to have a King but that was not God's best.We know Romans talks about the perfect and permissive will of God.Also Christians do miss the will of God sometimes and learn the hard way.I can not dispute however that Tim could have been wrong but now that he has found out what should he do?How do you get into the perfect will of God after finding yourself in the permissive will of God or away from God.I know Jonah was thrown into the sea but those were different circumstances.

 

[Amber.ly]

I agree with you on divorce. But my focus here is on the fact that she lied to him in order to get him. She's a liar. She's manipulator. She's over-selfish. She has no integrity. I do not see how Hosea would be of any benefit to him.

You're a liar. I'm a manipulator. The next poster is selfish and a few of us have sinned in our lives.

Are we unforgivable? Are we unworthy of marriage to another Christian? Should we never be trusted by anyone again? Should spouses divorce spouses based on PAST and FORGIVEN sins?

 

[kevlite2020]

I'm selfish!