Sharing Yourself

[Quoth]

I used to put my youth pastor on a pedestal. Part of the reason was because I saw him as he acted at church: calm, happy, godly. I never saw him sin at church.

As a youth pastor, how much do you share with your youth about your "other self?" I think part of the reason my non-Christian friends see God in me is because they see when He hasn't influenced my life, and then when He has, they've seen the difference. I tell them about how God changed me, and then they see that in my actions.

 

[karen freeinchristman]

that's interesting. It's a life-long process, slowly God points out to us places where we need to change or grow. Youth pastors need to be models but some feel afraid to show their shadowy side. We do need to be sensitive and careful about what we show to people in certain circumstances, but generally, we can and should admit that we aren't perfect and we are human, and that is also a model of sorts (modelling that we are always in need of God's grace).

 

[Quoth]

Thank you for the input. Also, I'd like to offer a clarification to my initial post:

I don't think that a youth pastor should sin at all, and especially not in front of his youth. However, I think that if a youth pastor uses something like this (taking an event from my own life):

"When I was younger, I was a very violent individual. I wanted to hurt a lot of people over what they did to me. But because God showed His grace in saving me from a punishment here on earth, and even though I'm still going to have to give an account of that sin when I stand before God, it was God's kindness to me that led me to repentance, which is what we see in what we're studying here in Romans 2:4. Maybe you guys and gals can think of a time in your own life where someone's kindness led you to feel repentant over what you'd done, and when you consistently remember that kindness, you can learn from it and pass the same kindness onto others."

You don't have to give nitty-gritty details. You don't have to full-out sin. I just think it would help youth if their youth pastors, instead of always being a smiling, happy-go-lucky person, would actually show their true feelings, or express them in words, both when they're happy and when they're not.

I'm sure my youth pastor had days where he felt less than 100%, but he never showed it. While that's commendable in terms of always giving 100%, it sort of makes me wonder why he felt the need to not show it when he was upset. There was a time when our youth group was in a near riot, and instead of showing his frustration, he simply carried on as if nothing was happening. It was only after one of the youth volunteers stood up and gave us a "what's what" speech and sort of metaphorically spanked us that we calmed down.

 

[dinonum]

I know I'm not a youth pastor yet =-] I will be eventually, but most churches don't want a nineteen year old to lead the youth who still think that I'm a youth, haha....so yeah....

Anyways...

The youth at my mothers home church know me specifically for being completely honest. They know about my problems with pornography, that I can stand my automatic cursing issue, various other sexual sins that have stricken me, my religious journey. I just wear my heart on my sleeve. If I see one of them acting in a way that I'm just like, WTH? Then I'll bring it up to them in private.

For the most part, they are all okay with that because they pretty much know that I've been there and done that and they trust me. Sometimes that trust scares me, but I guess they trust me as a human being, not as a "greater than thou" "better person" than they can ever be.

=-]

 

[christiangal522]

I am transparent with my kids. They need to know that you have "been where they are" - that you can relate. It opens up so many doors in the relationship. I'm 29, single (nearly engaged - haha) and not a virgin. My kids KNOW I am not. They know I'm not a virgin because I want to be a true witness to them as to WHY I Believe they should wait until marriage...it is a witnessing and a testimony to Christian living. For my kids to see what my poor choices have done for my life...it influences their decisions. I've NEVER heard a kid say, "Jamie, because you arent a virgin, I decided not to wait too." NEVER...instead, they take my story, my experience, and they let it impact their choices. Growing up the decisions my mother made had a huge impact on the decisions I made...I learned by observing her. BUT what's even MORE important is that they know that I've been down a dangerous road but I overcame it! It gives them hope that even in their poor choices, their life matters - that they have significance, that they are not alone.

If you act "perfect", kids will SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU and your ability to witness in their lives will be lost. They need real people...real adults. Adults who have lived, learned, and grown.

 

[Antje]

Funnily enough, my biggest challenge with being genuine with my youth is more about personality. When I am truly myself, I do wacky things like making faces or saying really random stuff, or getting obviously excited about the silliest little things. I really like myself this way. In a new job or in a new crowd, it can take me a VERY long time to get comfortable "being myself". In my current youth work job (I'm not a youth pastor, I just work with youth in a Christian not-for-profit organization), it took me about a year to start being myself.

Once I develop this level of comfort, I have no problem being really honest when someone asks me "How are you?", but I still show the importance of having a good attitude about the crappiest things in my life. I'll share honestly about being grumpy or disappointed or stressed out, but I'll also show that I'm trying not to spread my bad mood around by being overly expressive about it.

I agree, you can't fake it till you make it when it comes to youth ministy.

 

[halstonwilliasm]

That is so true I know Exactly what you mean

 

[heymikey80]

I used to put my youth pastor on a pedestal. Part of the reason was because I saw him as he acted at church: calm, happy, godly. I never saw him sin at church.

As a youth pastor, how much do you share with your youth about your "other self?" I think part of the reason my non-Christian friends see God in me is because they see when He hasn't influenced my life, and then when He has, they've seen the difference. I tell them about how God changed me, and then they see that in my actions.

It's a two-edged sword.

For most people inclined not to show their real warts, they need to show them. Kids struggling to make sense of the truth have to learn sometime that they won't ever be "done" with the struggle. There are things we struggled with at their age, there are things we struggle with now.

Kids will also respect your honesty. Anyone can put on a spiritual mask. Few can take it off.

However, I really need to express caution, because my mentor, and still my biggest hero, made one mistake in this vein. And so did I, even after I knew I shouldn't.

Your kids are not your confession group. They are not the people who should pronounce your forgiveness from the Spirit back to you. They will not handle some truly tough stuff. Yes, they WILL handle your sexual thoughts, depression, lying, cheating, stealing, drugs. But there are tougher things that drive a wedge in your relationship with them instead of empathy. There are worse things than the above.

Look, your kids will look up to you, they really appreciate your frankness with them, do it, do it DO IT. Be honest.

But be circumspect about the degree of anger or hatred or treating people as objects or targets that you'll share with them, especially as a group.

 

[drich0150]

I think you should put up an attractive store front, like your youth pastor did, but got with them as deep as they or you life experience will allow when asked... You don't need to advertise the "backroom" of your video store. The people who need those places will always find them..
Kinda like paul said: When he was in samaria he ate and acted like a Samaritan or in rome a roman ect ect... he didn't fake these things he knew of them and in his freedom and thru his faith in jesus He was allowed to use these experiences to tap into groups of people his contemporaries couldn't... One thing he didn't do was to act the part of the roman infront of the devout Jew.. I guess the point is:
To be what you can truthfully be, for whom ever may need to see that part of you. and leave it there.

Goodluck and godbless

 

[Onesimus85]

I agree with christiangal522. You have to be transparent. If a youth pastor has something to hide they need to deal with it quickly. If they continue to try to hide it they will eventually be found out.

I have been as open as I can be with my youth. On the topic of alcohol I was asked if it was ok to drink. Many people think drinking is a sin. Some say that getting drunk is a sin. My youth know that I have never been drunk, but in the past I had the occasional beer. I was honest with my youth and told them what I believed now:

"Drinking in and of itself is not a sin. However, getting drunk is a sin. Therefore, drinking for the sake of getting drunk, or drinking without being responsible and then "accidentally" getting drunk would still be a sin. If you can drink within the limitations of the law, you can be responsible, you have spent time in prayer over the subject and do not feel convicted not to drink, if you are not causing your other brothers and sisters to stumble in the faith, if you would be willing to give up alcohol in order to make sure that a brother or sister does not stumble, you do not have a dependent or additive personality, and if you are aware of the people that your drinking may influence then I would say it is ok to drink. If you cannot stay within these perimeters then I would suggest that you not drink."

I will admit that this was one of my more mature members of the youth and this was not the first time that the issue had been brought up.

They then asked me if I would drink. I asked them to look at 1 Timothy 3 and then tell me what they think I should do.

Key Verses from 1 Timothy 3 (NASB):

V.2-3
An overseer, then, must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, temperate, prudent, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not addicted to wine or pugnacious, but gentle, peaceable, free from the love of money.

V.7-8
And he must have a good reputation with those outside the church, so that he will not fall into reproach and the snare of the devil. Deacons likewise must be men of dignity, not double-tongued, or addicted to much wine or fond of sordid gain...

V.10
These men must also first be tested; then let them serve as deacons if they are beyond reproach.

That youth contacted later and said that if they were in my position that they would not drink and that the scripture was a good guideline for them as well.


Grace and Peace

 

[Juanathan]

My guys know about what I struggle with. This, in turn, gives them the ability to go to eachother about their sins when I'm not around. I encourage the more mature ones to do it with each other.

Just last month one of my guys confessed to me that he's been dealing in drugs. I've never been involved with it, but I knew a youth pastor who used to be. We went to him and my guy is now on his way to living drug free. We should be open with our past struggles (to show how God provides and overcomes) and our current struggles (how God is being patient with us).

Please pray for me as in the coming month I will open up the subject of looking at pornography with my small group and I hope that some of them will confess their struggle with it.

There are some valid dangers that have been brought up here on this forum that we should take heed to. But ultimately I believe that they are wanting to TRUST us with their shortcomings. They can't do that if we aren't open with them.