Shaken

[JudyB1169]

Yesterday, my stepfather found out that my stepbrother,in jail since last summer for sexual assault against his daughter and another girl is out of jail and back with his family now(including his other three children). The eldest daughter refused to confirm facts about the allegations against my stepbrother(her dad) and so they were unable to keep him detained. The upsetting part is that he did the same things to me as a little girl and I may be forced to relive them if I have to testify against him. The A.D.A may need me as "leverage" to get any sexual assault charges to stick. I thought I was done with this years ago. I put in under the Blood and behind me in my early twenties. I am 38 now and feel as if old scars have been picked at and re-infected. I do not want him getting away with this, but neither do I wish to recount details of what I remember him doing to me. I am almost 39 and these events happened when I was 9-13. Please ask God to give me the grace and strength to get through this week. The A.D.A is supposed to call me sometime this week. I should mention that my stepbrother lives in another state and is not permitted to set foot on our(I live with my folks) property, so I am not worrying about having to see him. Unless it goes to trial, then I may have to.

 

[Servant of Jesus]

I have a friend who went through the same thing you are going through- he was sexually molested as a teenager and tried to deal with this by suppressing the matter and never going to the authorities, or seeking help. By his own admission, the emotional impacts led to the break-up of his marriage, and completely separated him from his children.

Then one evening, he happened to be going by the house where the molestation had occurred- and noticed the son of a good friend come out of the house and promptly vomit. It didn't take long to establish that the house was still occupied by the molester, and that the boy had just been through the same experience as my friend had experienced 15 years earlier- plied with liquor and raped. It was only then that my friend realized that by suppressing the truth and not dealing with it, he was only perpetrating the hurt, and allowing the oppressor to gain access to more victims.

So after 15 years, he finally went to the police. With the help of surveillance video, they were soon able to obtain the evidence needed, and arrest the suspect and bring him to justice. Frustratingly, despite having abused likely dozens of young boys over a span of about 20 years, he received only a light sentence, and was soon out in public again. He then moved back to his native country- and amazingly enough, became involved in another enterprise where he had access to children, and was only shut-down when my friend tracked him down for a second time, and sent the local authorities evidence of his previous misdeeds.

 

[Servant of Jesus]

I should also mention: my friend initially went to the police and, in order not to embarrass his friend's son, tried to file a complain with regard to his own abuse. The police refused to act, claiming that the abuse had happened too long ago, and that there was only one complainant, whose testimony could be easily contradicted. My friend then went to another person of his own age who he knew had also been involved in the earlier abuse- and was threatened with death by the guy if he dared pursue the matter; that is how powerful these evil forces are.

So eventually, my friend took time off work and set up his own surveillance system outside of the abuser's residence, and filmed the comings and goings over the course of a couple of weekends. It was only then, when he went to the police with his video, that the authorities agreed to start their own investigation, which eventually led to the conviction.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

I'll be praying Judy . I'm not sure how the court system works over there, but if you decide to testify, would it be possible for you to do so from another room with a camera that links you to the court room (they do this here in Australia for children who are victims of crime and in some sexual assault cases when the survivor does not feel they can face their perpetrator)?

No matter what you decide to do, you're a hero in my books, ok? You made it through and are still here...that alone proves you are braver than you think Hun. We're here to support you no matter what .

 

[Ariel]

Praying for you, Judy.

 

[JudyB1169]

Does anyone have any tips on how to unrepress memories. I cannot remember every single incident, (although they were many) of abuse I went through. Most occured before age 11? The ADA is going to be calling me sometime next week and I just don't have much to offer him, I'm afraid. I remember some things, but most I have forgotten or stuffed.

 

[Ariel]

Does anyone have any tips on how to unrepress memories. I cannot remember every single incident, (although they were many) of abuse I went through. Most occured before age 11? The ADA is going to be calling me sometime next week and I just don't have much to offer him, I'm afraid. I remember some things, but most I have forgotten or stuffed.

Judy, I also repressed a lot. I called those awful memories my dragons.

Some things were crucial. Knowing I was in a safe environment helped, knowing that my husband was there for me also helped--it helped me feel safe.

I journaled everyday. That helped.

But I think what helped the most is that I gave myself permission to get angry. I realized that anger in itself was not wrong, just what you do with it. For me getting angry was a step toward healing because finally I was fighting back--I was no longer the victim, but an adult with LABELS who could label things, process things and yes, get angry. Eventually I got around to forgiving and giving these things to the Lord. But the anger stage was crucial.

Psalm 4:4 says, "Be angry but sin not." I was angry, but I couldn't go around kicking and screaming. Instead I got a notebook. I drew pictures, I screamed with words, big letters on the page, I called the people who had hurt me names, I told them what I thought of them and what they deserved, I wrote letters to them--I just let myself be ANGRY. In my notebook, that is. Then at the end of a writing session--about 45 minutes or so--I would put my notebook away.

I think I pulled more things out during the anger stage than any other time.

I also paid attention to my dreams during this period. Sometimes when I woke up sweating at night I would have another glimpse of stuff I had repressed. Then I would put that into the notebook too.

Christians have a hard time healing sometimes I think because we want to "forgive and forget." "Forgive and forget" doesn't work if you have caustic dragons in you. The only way to heal then is to face the dragons down. Get angry if you have to. I found I could do this in writing.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Does anyone have any tips on how to unrepress memories. I cannot remember every single incident, (although they were many) of abuse I went through. Most occured before age 11? The ADA is going to be calling me sometime next week and I just don't have much to offer him, I'm afraid. I remember some things, but most I have forgotten or stuffed.

I agree with what Ariel said about being in a safe place and letting yourself feel whatever comes (there are no right or wrong emotions), but please be careful too. Facing the memories can be very draining emotionally, physically and mentally and can leave you very vulnerable for a while.

Having said all of this, please be careful if you're trying to remember it as quickly as possible. I understand putting him behind bars is a really good cause, but you also may not remember as much as you'd like to in that time. Be gentle on yourself...you're already a hero .

 

[JudyB1169]

Thank you, Ariel. Your post DOES help me.

 

[JudyB1169]

Thank you Bamboo Chicken. I am trying to deal gently with myself. I feel so alone, even though I know I am not. I will be happy when a resolution to this mess is found. True Closure, I gess.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Thank you Bamboo Chicken. I am trying to deal gently with myself. I feel so alone, even though I know I am not. I will be happy when a resolution to this mess is found. True Closure, I gess.

I'm not sure if this will help at all or not, but, if you're interested, there is another forum called After Silence that is specifically for survivors of sexual abuse and assault. It's not real life, but it's a support group nonetheless (there are a few CFers part of the forum as well). My only warning with the forum is that it can be quite triggery if you're not in a good spot when you read some areas and it's good to be wary of your limits there .

 

[Ariel]

Judy, I just need to add, Bamboo is right, this whole process takes time. It took me two years to get through the worst of it, and five more years after that before I could finally look at the trauma and not react emotionally--because, finally, I had processed all of it.

There were stages I went through. I wrote about these stages and the healing process in my thread Post Traumatic Stress Disorder--You Can Get Well The stages were not necessarily well defined, and I did a lot of back and forths, sometimes it felt like two steps forward and three steps back. But what helped is that I felt safe--and if ever I was getting too overwhelmed I would step back from it for a while, at least as much as I could.

I had severe PTSD. This illness doesn't let you rest, you have to process things. The rest comes as you face the trauma down--recognize what happened, label it, get angry, mourn, finally forgive and give it to God. It takes times, and yes, it is draining in every way.

The notebook helped in that I was eventually able to control my fear-driven intrusive thoughts by telling myself that I would write about all of that during my 45 minute journal time, and then put the journal away. If I had thoughts about the trauma at other times during the day, I would tell myself, "Tomorrow. I will write about that tomorrow." So eventually I learned that I could shove these thoughts into that time, and not let them rule my life, as they had.

Bamboo is right. Don't push yourself. Don't go faster than you can handle. You are already a hero.

I am continuing to pray for you.

 

[JudyB1169]

Bamboo Chicken and Ariel, thank you. I will DEFINITELY check this other forum out. Thank you so much both for you words of encouragement and insight. I have made myself sick over this this weekend with a stupid migraine! I thought I was stronger than this.

 

[Ariel]

Oh Judy it's okay. You will get better. You will be able to face these things down. Already you are taking the biggest step of all: you are willing to face them.

Yes, you are a hero, a very brave one.

Praying.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Bamboo Chicken and Ariel, thank you. I will DEFINITELY check this other forum out. Thank you so much both for you words of encouragement and insight. I have made myself sick over this this weekend with a stupid migraine! I thought I was stronger than this.

To be honest, you don't need to be any stronger . Being strong and courageous means that you've decided to face this at your own speed and no-one else's. Part of that is going to be facing the emotions and actually feeling them...and that's always going to take it's toll on you (migraine's included ).

You're doing great just as you are Judy .

 

[Criada]

Praying for you, Judy.
You are an incredible person... and you certainly don't need to be stronger.
Memories hurt... and things you have supressed for years take a huge toll, physically as well as mentally.
Take things slowly, sweetie, and let yourself feel..it's not wrong to be angry, hurt, afraid or anything else.. it is natural, and although it feels as though it will never end, you are moving forward, and you will, one day, come out the other side.
Take care of yourself, and give yourself time and space.

 

[JudyB1169]

To be honest, you don't need to be any stronger . Being strong and courageous means that you've decided to face this at your own speed and no-one else's. Part of that is going to be facing the emotions and actually feeling them...and that's always going to take it's toll on you (migraine's included ).

You're doing great just as you are Judy .

Feeling better, today, thanks!

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Feeling better, today, thanks!

I'm glad Hun . Keep us updated if you're up to it, ok? I'll keep praying for you and everyone involved in the court case .

 

[JudyB1169]

Thank you. The Assistant D.A is supposed to be calling me sometime this week. I just hope I have something to offer him. Guess we'll see..

 

[Ariel]

I am praying for you Judy. PM me if you need me. ((hug))