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hijklmnop
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Just because you need things from your spouse doesn't mean you're selfish. It becomes selfish when all you focus on are those needs. Even if my husband doesn't love me or respect me, I should still love and respect him.
And yet, if your husband doesn't show you love or respect, "should" you still have sex with him? Or do you "need" to be loved and respected by him in general in order for him to expect that? I personally do. We are to love others AS we love ourselves....not instead of ourselves. Our selves count as people worthy of love and respect. If the dynamic in our relationship is such that sex feels demeaning, I believe that I am allowed to retain some self-respect by being honest about and respecting my own feelings and boundaries. I don't feel selfish about that, and I would respect my h if he felt the same way. So if I'm reading your post correctly, then if I "need" honesty, trust, respect, and affection from my spouse in order to have sex with him without feeling used, that shouldn't be selfish. Yet, if all he focused on was the fact that his need of "enough" sex isn't being met and is willing to divorce me over that and that alone, wouldn't that be selfish by your reasoning?
Two clarifications:
1. I'm not without empathy for people whose sex life is barren for months and years on end and they don't know why and can't do anything about it. I think that's awful and I don't know what I'd do in that situation if I was in it, so I have no opinion on "shoulds".
2. I'm not saying boo-hiss about sex as some people seem to think. For the umpteenth time...sex is a great part of marriage. I'm simply saying that for me, I do not believe for a second that I'm required to have sex in a broken and dysfunctional relationship, or that doing so would be likely to solve any problems. In fact, I believe that the results of that (focusing on and insisting upon sex regardless of other problems) can be truly devastating.
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