sever ocd

[drummingman]

at this point i cant tell the difference between me and the bad thoughts. they feel like me so i feel 100% responsible. i tense up so bad when the thoughts come, which is all the time, to try and fight the thoughts. i know that is amking them worse but i cant help but tense up.
i also clinch my face real tight when i pray to try and feel anything. i guess that my emotions are just so wrecked because of the struggle that i have been in for so long that i sometimes cant feel anything.
im a total wreck right now. i cant stop these blasphemous thoughts no matter what i do. i feel like they are my fault. it feels like its me thinking these bad thoughts. it put me through torment. its just an onslaught of bad thoughts all the time.
please keep praying for me.

 

[Bianca01]

Hi drummingman,

Sometimes this helps me:

http://www.ocduk.org/2/foursteps.htm

 

[Liftyourhand7]

I am continuing to pray for you. You will have a breakthrough, just don't give up.Our God is with you no matter what! Blessings Jan

 

[drummingman]

i know that i need to change the things that im doing if im going to get any better. i just feel like i cant. im still tensing up when the thoughts come and that is still causing my arm to hurt. its like i cant stop automatically tensing up when the thoughts come, which is non stop. so im in physical pain. there are times when i try to push through the thoughts and then i feel like im condoning the thoughts. that really messes me up.
i also am always running into things that feel unforgivable. the thoughts are just so bad that i really have a hard time feeling forgiven. same goes for my actions at times.
i really struggle with rage that just comes in the blink of an eye. then i think awful blasphempus thoughts when i am in that rage and i feel 100% responsible for the thoughts.
i know that i have to change the way that im doing things if im going to get any better. i just dont know how to change. i sometimes feel like im going crazy. i really need help with my ocd. its just out of control and i cant tell what is me and what is the disorder anymore.

 

[tytyty9]

ur having a bad day. trust me, its ocd. i have it. they ARENT ur thoughts i no like they feel they are just calm down. ur anxiety level will go up. trust me. Gods OBSESSED with u. he doesnt want to condemn u. (im having these thought troubles 2. were both weak and i no it feels like if u dont stop ull die spiritually, or like uve comitted the unpardonable sin. trust me, u havent. i had a bad day once and shouted to God "I HATE TRUTH" because i thought i was damned and there was nothing i can do about it. God knew that it wasnt my thought, and i am still in his presence today. i no they feel like ur thoughts, but really. Have u ever seen a little dog during a storm? they get Terrified for no reason, they think there gonna die even though they definently wont. its the same thing. trust me. no, trust God. he will NEVER let u down. i PROMISE. Just say to urself "JEsus IS who he says he is, and he will never leave me no matter what! He loves me and is going to take care of me. let me focus on something else" do this and believe it. ive just been getting hold of my ocd and this has really helped me. Listen to a christian radio station, with good music talking about how forgiving God is. it really helps. trust me U R OK AND GOD LOVES U NO MATTER WAT =).

 

[drummingman]

thanks ty.
at this point everytime i try to pray about sins that i feel like i have committed i get a rage that just blows up inside. i get awful blasphemous thoughts when this happens. i just heve to keep praying about the same sins over and over and when i finally feel forgiven for the sin that i have been praying about forever another one comes. even when im praying about 1 sin more stuff keeps coming. it just never stops.
if i could be sure that i would go to heaven i will just kill myself. i want this pain in my head to stop or i want my life to stop.
if i have ever needed pray its now.

 

[marcb]

i know that i need to change the things that im doing if im going to get any better. i just feel like i cant. im still tensing up when the thoughts come and that is still causing my arm to hurt. its like i cant stop automatically tensing up when the thoughts come, which is non stop. so im in physical pain. there are times when i try to push through the thoughts and then i feel like im condoning the thoughts. that really messes me up.
i also am always running into things that feel unforgivable. the thoughts are just so bad that i really have a hard time feeling forgiven. same goes for my actions at times.
i really struggle with rage that just comes in the blink of an eye. then i think awful blasphempus thoughts when i am in that rage and i feel 100% responsible for the thoughts.

i know that i have to change the way that im doing things if im going to get any better. i just dont know how to change. i sometimes feel like im going crazy. i really need help with my ocd. its just out of control and i cant tell what is me and what is the disorder anymore.

That is why ocd can be so hard, my friend. We feel responsible and can't tell what is "us" and what is ocd. That is an obsession itself and is the worst kind, because it is an "unsolvable" riddle, that our minds will chew on incessantly. Are you getting medical / psychological assistance?

 

[marcb]

thanks ty.
at this point everytime i try to pray about sins that i feel like i have committed i get a rage that just blows up inside. i get awful blasphemous thoughts when this happens. i just heve to keep praying about the same sins over and over and when i finally feel forgiven for the sin that i have been praying about forever another one comes. even when im praying about 1 sin more stuff keeps coming. it just never stops.
if i could be sure that i would go to heaven i will just kill myself. i want this pain in my head to stop or i want my life to stop.
if i have ever needed pray its now.

I am praying for you. I am praying that you will seek help. Talk to somebody and get yourself to the doctor if you have not already. This is so treatable if you step out in faith and get help. I am praying that you will find someone that can help appropriately. Marc

 

[drummingman]

thanks marc.
i am seeing a doc for meds and i am trying to get in with a psychologist tomorrow if my chruch provides me with the money. i have asked for financial help from my church because i cant afford the therapy.

 

[marcb]

God bless you. I pray that your church assists you financially for your needs. Marc

 

[gracealone]

HI Drummingman,
Marc is right, listen to him, professional help is absolutely necessary for you right now. Keep us posted about how you are doing. I'll keep you in my prayers. It's all OCD and not you. It's just that the feelings of anxiety make the thoughts so convincing and therefore the feeling that the thoughts must be attended to is overwhelming. You will need to be trained to not attend to the thoughts no matter how disturbing they are or how intense the spike of anxiety is that they create. You are soooo right in understanding that what you are doing now is not helping but only making matters worse. You know you have OCD and this is good, so no matter how intense the feelings are you have to know that feelings do not equal truth.
I'm so sorry to hear of your pain and believe me I understand as do all of us on this forum just how hard it is to break the cycle of OCD.
Never, Never, Never give up until you find the right Doctor, the right treatment,(exposure/response), and the right medication to start you on the road to recovery. It's OK to be mad at the OCD.
Remember, "IF our heart,(the seat of our emotions), condemns us, God is greater than our heart."
Mitzi

 

[drummingman]

thank you mitzi.
i had to cancle the apointment i had today because of not having enough money. i hope to faid a therapist that can really help me soon. it is an emergency situation.

 

[drummingman]

today has been way better than any other day for about 1 month praise jesus!! i have been trying to do the bain lock ( the book by jeffery schwarts) strategy of putting 15 minuets or more between doing compulsions and it has been really good for me. i hope to keep doing this strategy until i can fully over come my compulsions to where im not doing compulsions at all anymore.
thank you all so much for your prayers. i still need your prayers because im still trying to build up my strength against my ocd. but things have been going awesome this eveing and tonight!!!!

 

[drummingman]

im still having a hard time. im still doing the 15 minuet time period and most of the time im able to hold out for longer. my compulsion is to pray whenever i get bad thoughts and that is what i have been holding out from doing time period wise.
im still getting bad thoughts but they are not coming nearly as bad when im holding out from praying compulsively. the times that the thoughts get the worst are when im trying to close a prayer to start the time period where im not praying compulsively.
my arm is still aslo messed up from tensing up. im not tensing up my arm as bad now but i still have a big knot in my arm and it still hurts. please pray that god will heel my arm.
my face is hardly bothering me at all which is awesome!! it still goes a little numb in certain places at times but its not real bad.
please keep praying for me so that things will continue to get better like they have been getting since yesterday. thank you all so much.

 

[tytyty9]

Same with me. Were all fighting this battle of a "real" war in our heads and hearts, and me and you are real new at it though so were going through similar things. See? when you have good times, you realize how its your thoughts and not you. One way to do this is just to say "Jesus take care of all my problems" trust that he heard you and just do something else. God wont let you fall away. Whenever Im about to be damaged in any way by Ocd, I always get knocked in the head by God and he gets me on the right track. Ur not falling out his arms. UR still there

 

[drummingman]

are there any bad thoughts that a person could think that god will not forgive? what if the person thinks the same bad thoughts multiple times? will god still forgive? what if the person thinks the bad thoughts on purpose multiple times? will God still forgive?

 

[tytyty9]

Yes. When the Pharisees had rejected Jesus, God himself, their creator, who spent so much time making them and trying to forgive them that he died for them BY them, Jesus cried out in a loud voice: "Father, forgived them!" Damnation is not what christianity is about. God WANTS to forgive EVERYONE because "God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." God still has you and will keep you. =)

 

[drummingman]

thanks tytyty9

 

[tytyty9]

no problem. Were both new at this, and im praying for everyone on the forum =). Take this advice: DO NOT discuss or debate the existence of God or try to go and figure things out. Let go of your feelings, no matter what ur feeling and just talk when you pray. Scripture has never been broken and never will be. You should definintly read song of songs, but dont think of it as a marital book. You are Beloved, And Jesus is the lover. My obsession is Doubting the existence of god. =(. We all need real help

 

[drummingman]

i feel liek i have said something real bad. it times i say " kill the devil". but the last time i was trying to say that i feel like i sai" kill the holy spirit". will god forgive me for this if this is what i said?