sever ocd

[drummingman]

thaks you all for your thoughts and prayers.
i was setting time goals for not praying because of bad thoughts. the problem that i have had in the past is that when i told God that i would not pray, if i messed that up and prayed, i would feel like God took away music and drums. well, i have messed this up and prayed when i told God that i would not like 5 times over the last 2 days. so now because of doing that on like the 5th time i feel like God is punishing me by taking away drums and music because of my sin of praying when i told God i would not. i have gone through this in the past and i have had people tell me that its not God taking away the drums and music but its just my ocd and the devil. but because i have known that if i pray when i told God i would not that God might take away drums and music because of my sin i feel like because i prayed when i told God i would not God has taken away drums and music from me as punishment. this has got me really messed up because of how important drums and music is to me.
also, when i was talking with my friend that is a pastor today i felt like i said that i would not put the time goals of not praying because of bad thoughts on myself. so now i feel like i cant put those time goals on myself. if i do i feel like it will effect drums and music in a negative way. but the thing is that it really helps me to set the time goals up for not praying because that keeps me from praying all the time because of bad thoughts.
i have begged God to forgive me in both of these areas. but everytime i pray about these things i either get awful blasphemous thoughts or i feel like i do something sinful with my body and because of the blasphemous thoughts and feeling like i do something sinful with my body i feel like God wont do the things that i am begging him to do for me.
i just set up a time period for not praying just now and im hoping and praying that it was not a sin for me to do so and im hoping and praying that that me setting up the time period for not praying because of bad thoughts does not effect music and drumming negatively in any way. meaning that i hope that God does not punish me for setting up that time period for not praying because of bad thoughts by taking away or not giving me back drums and music.
i feel like im in a deep black hole. and i feel like i keep pulling the dirt in over myself everytime i sin or mess up. i really need help but i dont know how anyone can really help me. people tell me what they think i should do all the time but im not able to do it. i dont want to have to live the rest of my life all messed up in my head and emotions. i want to be able to know that i am saved and always will be and i want to know when God is not pusishing me by taking away things that i love because of my sins. i want to be able to achieve my dreams and goals without the ocd and the devil destroying my life every 2 to 6 years.
if any of you have any answers that you think will really help me please post them.
thanks and God blass

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

I have had the same sort of things happen to me. Like I feel like I let God down, so then I have punishments etc..but I have not done this dfor a long while.

First of all, I would suggest not promising God or yourself anything. Why tell HIm that you are not going to pray for 15 minutes etc? Why not just work towards that goal, and not put the burden of promises on everything.

I feel bad for you, because I have ben in a very, very similiar spot in the past, where I just keep digging my own hole deeper and then burying myself...all the while desperately searching for some sort of surety or reassurance from God.

I really feel for you. I am sorry you are currently in such a heavy place.

For me, things like time..realizing I did not have to accomplish anything immeadiatley..

And relaxing on myself..not getting overly stressed when I mess up..I think those things help a lot.

I am sorry things are so rough right now.

 

[drummingman]

thank you mrs enigma. things are rough right now. i am battling with feeling like God has taken away drums and music from me and thats tearing me up. i feel like i just thought something awful about or towards God and i just hope and pray that God will forgive me.
i know that you talked about me just working towards the goal of not praying and not promising God i wont pray but i feel liek if i even do that i might be doing something wrong. i say this because im not sure if its ok with God that i tell him that i wont pray for a time period and i also dont know if its ok with God for me to even think about not praying for a time period even without promise him that i wont pray.
i also keep hurting my body by tensing up because of the awful blasphemous thoughts. i stll have knots in my arm and my right leg and achilles tendon is still hurting. when i tense up because of the blasphemous thoughts my left arm hurts and gets all tight. i just tense up automatically when the blasphemous thoughts come.
i was able to eat my dinner tonight with out much of a battle which i praise Jesus for. i would like to also have some icecream but i feel like i might not be able to because i feel like i might have said that i wont have anything sweet to eat.
the reason why i started putting time periods on myself for not praying is because i was not able to stop praying non stop because of the awful blasphemous thoughts and feeling like i have sinned. i have been doing ok today eventhough i have not been putting the time periods for a while this eveing. i just hope that i dont get back to the point to where i have to pray non stop because of the awful blasphemous thoughts and because of my sins or because of feeling like i have sinned.
i still fear that i lose my salvation all the time. its not as bad as is was by far but its still causing me problems, major priblems at times.
please keep praying for me because i really need it.

 

[aintzaJainkoari]

Drummingman, I used to have all the same problems as you. I would tense up sometimes, spaz out, mostly jerk my head to the side, tense my face up. I hated it.

Here's some things that got me through:

Jeremiah 29:11--
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

Also, while some people don't believe this, the intrusive thoughts can be caused by demons or the devil. He whispers evil thoughts and suggestions into your mind on an inaudible level.

When you have bad thoughts, just tell them to leave your mind alone in Jesus' Name.

Also, and again, many people, even Christians won't agree with or believe, but people involved in the occult/witchcraft/Satanism can try to curse you and tell demons to go and bother you.

So ask Jesus to protect you from those things and to cover you in His Blood.

Please feel free to talk to me about these bad thoughts if you need to.

 

[drummingman]

thanks for your advice. i also do believe that the devil attacks christians in any way that he can.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

I understand what you are saying..I have in the past, when my ocd was worse, felt the same way...like that I could not allow myself to get to do nice things, cuz maybe I accidentally with some part of my brain promised God I would not.

It is sort of the same as with the blaspheming God. It is like a part of your brain keeps making promises that just make your life rough and uncomfortable. It is the same part of your brain that says blasphemous things when you are not wanting to.

I also greatly feared that God might be unhappy if I reduced my praying...but God wants you to be healthy..the ocd is tricking and trapping you.

You do not need to tell God that you are going to pray less. You can tell God that you think you might be going to pray less. If you don't commit to anything, then you won't have to feel guilty if you accidentally start praying.

Perhaps you could just say a prayer to God, and teal him that if you accidentally commit to things or make promises..for Him to overlook those until you are well. He can see that you are sick, and He knows that your mind gets in a panic and commits to things that it can't follow through on, or that you might accidentally tell Him you are going to do something..when you did not want to say that. It is the OCD that does that. But if you just tel Him that for awhile, anything you say you are going to or are not going to do..to not hold you to any of that until you are well...then you could feel less guilt about eating ice cream etc.

God is not wanting you to go around punishing yourself. Jesus already died for you. He took your punishment.

I am sorry things are so hard. I literally felt like I was going insane when my OCD was at the point that yours is currently at..so I know that it is really hard existing and getting through the day for you right now.

But things are way better for me now, and I am sure that they can get better for you too.

I am sorry it is so hard.

 

[drummingman]

my ocd has been better over the last few weeks. but its still hard. i battle with felling like God is punsihing me for certain mistakes and sins that i make. not everytime i make the mistakes and commit the sins. but i seem to get to the point to where i feel like i have messed up in the same area so much by praying when i say that i wont that God takes away music and drumming from me.
i need to be able to set up time goals for me not praying because that is a huge help to me because if i did not set up those time goals for not praying i would pray constantly because of the bad thoughts and because of my sins and mistakes. but because i mess up so much, sometimes i know that i will be messing up by praying and i still do it, i feel like i get to the point where God punishes me for praying when i said that i would not by taking away drums and music from me.
tonight i was bummed because of this stuff. i know that if i could just get my head stright i could achieve my dreams and goals. i just started seeing a new therapist that really seems to know how to treat ocd. so i hope that she can help me get my ocd under control.

 

[drummingman]

i just had to throw away the food that i was eating after like 2 bites. the reason is because i had bad thoughts towards God that was connected with the food that i wanted to eat. so because of that i felt like if i ate the food that my salvation would be effected.
eating for me is very hard most times. i seem to think awful blasphemous thoughts in relation to what i eat all the time. and then i feel like i cant eat it. like God does not want me to eat the food that i want to because i thought awful blasphemous thoughts.
its very hard for me to control the rage and anger that this kind of stuff causes me.

 

[drummingman]

i cant even post something on the net, like on this board, without having to feel like i have to keep posting it and unposting it over and over again to try and undo bad thoughts that i think when im posting.
its so hard to live life like this. i cant even put into words what torture dealing with all this stuff is. i battle over music and drums, over eating, over drinking, over posting on line and other things as well. its like being in hell at times. i dont know what much more i can do to overcome this ocd. i get confused as to what is from God and what is the ocd and what is from the devil.
please pray for me and offer any advice God leads you to.

 

[Liftyourhand7]

Hi drummingman, I am so sorry that you are having all these doubts and worries, I know how you feel when you talk about the torture you feel over eating or drinking anything, its like we have to punish ourselves over the simpilist things, sometimes even when I'm drinking a glass of water, and bad thoughts come I won't finish the water because of the thoughts, but recently, I instead just thank God while I'm eating or drinking something wonderful that he has provided for the nourishment of my body. Your OCD is really reeking havoc on you I just can't tell you the times that I pray for you, because I know exactly how you feel. Something you said on an earlier post was that you found a therapist that has experience with OCD patients Praise God that you have found her, God cares for you and I really think you are on the road to recovery even if you don't feel that way right now. It's so hard for you to believe that when you accepted Jesus as your Savior that all your past, present, and future sin was and is already forgiven, even if you don't FEEL forgiven the fact remains is that you truly are forgiven, we with OCD must be constantly reassured, but that still does not change the facts of God's word. I like the post that Mrs. Enigma sent you, she really has spoke words of wisdom and encouragement. Try to just trust in God's love for you and all of us here will continue to pray for your healing, its coming my brother, you will not always FEEL the way you do right now, you can and will get better. Keep playing those drums for the Lord! Blessings Jan

 

[Jacob4Jesus]

I don't know anything that I can tell you that is better than what has been told to you so far. I have had OCD since I was five years old. It has revolved around thoughts that I would accidentally sell my soul to the Devil for something bad to happen to me. It peaked in 2003 when I thought that I sold my soul to become a character from the Rob Zombie movie "House of 1000 Corpses." I was convinced I was going to wake up one morning and be brutally murdered. I seperated myself from everyone and had to go on disability, which I am still on.

Well, the day I thought I was going to die came and went and nothing happened. But that hasn't changed the thoughts in my head. I have to be constantly on guard to make sure my OCD doesn't "contact the Devil" for me and I would lose my soul.

It's difficult, and not the same as you, but maybe it would help to know how many of us are going through the hard things that you are. However, we know it's not real on some level, and that's good.

It's most important to realize though that God knows more about whats going on than we do. He knows I don't want to sell my soul to the Devil and he knows that you aren't trying to reject him. He knows because he is more aware of what is going on. I wish I could take the suffering away, but we can't always do that. Just hang on to the thought that no matter how bad it is, God knows our true thoughts and intentions and he is not going to hold a mental illness against us when he judges us.

God Bless.

Jacob

 

[Akathist]

Just a reminder to everyone that Spiritual Warfare posts are not allowed in Recovery. Many members become offended when it is suggested that their mental illness or symptoms are caused by demons so we have this rule.

You can review our guidelines here: http://www.christianforums.com/t5817727-recovery-guidelines.html

 

[marcb]

I hope you are not posting this in a reply to the previous post. The previous post was by someone struggling with OCD intrusive thoughts that often blur in our minds as being related to spiritual warfare.

The previous forum that I found helpful in my recovery from OCD was Christian Forums. Anyone know what happened to it? We could struggle together without Big Brother bullying us with "just a reminder."

I have learned so much from my brothers and sisters in Christ on how to recover from OCD in a uniquely Christian way. I do not need a "social networking" chat room in my life nor do I need a moderator determining for somebody what is spiritual warfare and what is OCD. THAT is offensive, harmful, and the reason this is my first and final post on "foru.ms."

God bless you all! Marc

Just a reminder to everyone that Spiritual Warfare posts are not allowed in Recovery. Many members become offended when it is suggested that their mental illness or symptoms are caused by demons so we have this rule.

You can review our guidelines here: http://www.christianforums.com/t5817727-recovery-guidelines.html

 

[Liftyourhand7]

Hey Marc, I hope I'm not reading this post right, I hope you are not leaving the forum, we here need your help and advice, not to mention I love your sense of humor. You are a dear brother and can help so many of us here that struggle with OCD. Please if you are offended do what you did and let them know, but don't leave the forum. (I just hope I misunderstood and that you are not leaving the forum.) Love ya Jan

 

[HeatherG]

Yeah, please don't leave, Marc. Your posts have been some of the most insightful I have seen on OCD and it would be such a loss to all of us. I think the Mod just misread something, and who cares if they change the name. We are still the same people so I hope you will reconsider.

God bless,

Heather

 

[marcb]

I am sorry for any offenses I created with my previous post and would like to issue a public apology to Akathist for the harsh manner in which I expressed my concern.

The truth is I love this section of Christian Forums and it has helped me heal. For that I am grateful and would like to continue to participate. I do, however, stand by my concerns and disappointment over the apparent change in the centrality of Christ on this forum, but realize we may have to work as Christians in this particular framework, just as we do in mainstream society that is largely secular. Thank you for your support.

Love in Christ,

Marc

 

[drummingman]

thank you all so very much for your thoughts and prayers.
my ocd is way better then it was about 2 months ago. its a night and day difference because my ocd is so much better. i really give praise to the father and son and holy spirit for halping me to get through the really bad time i was having with my ocd and for making my life so very much better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i still have struggles all the time though, its just not crippling like it was in june. i still have major problems with tensing up my body which causes me pain. my left arm is all tight and im feeling a little bit of pain because of tensing up because of the awful blasphemous thoughts.
i also battle with posting on the internet feeling like i have to post and edit and then repost over and over until i can post without getting bad thoughts. i also have problems with reading things and mispelling things. meaning that i can get in a bit of a loop reading things again nad again trying not to get bad thoughts and trying not to sin or do anything wrong while reading. and if i mispell anything while im typing if i go to correct the mispelling by backspacing and then retyping the word i then start getting bad thoughts and i have to try to just type the word and move on eventhough im getting bad thoughts. the thing about all this kind of stuff, the editing and posting and reading and typing is that i feel like if i dont do these things the sins of the bad thoughts or actions stay on me until i undo them by doing the typing and editing and reposting and rereading. thats why its very hard for my to just post something on line and thats why i dont post that often. i want to post more often but it causes me major problems most times so i just avoid posting.
if any of you have any adive for me on this stuff please let me know.
as far as the new therapist goes as is she is one of the best i have ever seen. the only thing is that im going to go in debt by seeing her.i already owe her money for 2 visits. but i need to keep doing the therapy.
thanks again for all of your thoughts and prayers. it really means a lot to me that you all take the time to read what im saying and to post your thoughts and prayers.

 

[amishparadise]

I hope this thread doesn't fade away. My own OCD is severe and lifelong; and I'd seriously love to be able to talk to others who understand. There is so much I would like to say. Maybe I'll keep an eye on this thread, and see if anyone else stops by!