Separating again

[AirForceTeacher]

I just got news that I am an alternate for a very important military school. It’s six weeks long and it has a direct impact on my promotion to major. More importantly, as you know my wife has asked for a separation. If I get selected, I will try to persuade her to hold off, and let the time apart for the class be a cooling off period. This could work for us or against us.

Please pray that God will grant the class, and that he will use the class and the time apart to work on both of our hearts – to cut the tension and let us focus on improving ourselves and improving our relationship with Him so we can come together and work very hard to save this marriage.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

Will be praying for you.

I know that distance sometimes makes people realise how much they love another person. I hope this will work for you and your wife.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I hope so as well, but it may just show her that she doesn't need me at all. I don't know. I still ahve to work on myself.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

Don't wish for your wife to need you, wish for her to want you. Necesities are met easily sometimes, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Well, I certainly agree - but right now, her heart is clouded - she doesn't know what she wants, and a 6 week period of not needing me may convince her to stop trying. I'm so confused myself - I'm just gonna pray that I become the person I need to be and she sees that -the rest is her decision.

 

[RedheadedPrincess]

I am praying for you and I understand some of the emotions that you have.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thank you so much - I know you're under strain too.

I've got to learn to just her go ... to love her from afar if necessary, and just work on myself. If she bails on me, well, it's understandable with our past history, and I can't do anything about it anyway.

 

[cjba]

Have not been on for awhile. I sent you a pm today before I read your thread.

Keep it in prayer. Please do not give up on your marriage. Is she expecting you to be the one to move out of the home?

Give it to God on what will transpire in regards to your class. Have peace God will lead you in the right direction. As you know this takes time and I am still trying to grasp this on a daily basis. Again as you know some days are better than others?

God Bless

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I asked her today at our appt if the separation was intended to work on the marriage or to spearate to lead to divorce. She got very uncomfortable and then said that it was weighting toward the latter. She is still considering the marriage retreat our counselor suggested. Also, I had suggested that because she has kept talking about whether she has the energy or not, she move out the first month, and let me take care of the kids. She was opposed to it, but the counselor strongly advised her to consider it beecause he thought it would be very beneficial for her health and welfare. He said that it would be good to do it just to make sure she was in a healthy frame of mind - to not make decisions about something like divorce when you're weary.

Please keep praying - against the separtion, against divorce. Please pray for me have the strength to trust God.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I just got off the phone wth her, and I asked her to clarify what she said. I asked her if the separation was to heal the marriage or to prepare for divorce. She had answered "it's weighted toward the latter." I asked her to clarify, to tell me she hadn't made the decision yet. She said it doesn't look good right now. I asked if we would date during the separation - she doesn't know. I asked if we would continue to go to counseling during the separation - she doesn't know.

I said I was confused, she said she doesn't blame me. I asked, supportively, if she was confused too. She said, maybe she wasn't

I can't believe that things have dropped so far, so fast from a month ago. I've been told by friends and family and the counselor that there are things she isn't willing to face about herself. But today, this week - she is focussing on me not changing in the past and not being able to trust that I will in the future. She sounds like she has given up. How do I not give up now? I am committed to try to save this - she seems to be committed otherwise. My friend John says that I have to not give up when she acts like she has - I have to show that I'm trustworthy.

I feel like there's nothing left. I'll be starting a DivorceCare group the 5th of Feb - hopefully that will help me to focus and chagne myself - reconciliation may still be possible - she may still decide to try to avoid divorce later for God's will. I just hope I'm ready to be the person she needs if she does.

 

[4Christ2]

My brother,

I am so sorry again for this trial you are enduring. I know your sorrow. Yet, I can't help but feel that you are focusing more on her than you are the Lord. This is why you are able to write, "I feel like there's nothing left."

Brother, please get on your knees and ask the Lord to give you the strength to stay focused on HIM. Sometimes, we have to recognize that our hope is not in those we love - man, woman, or child. They will disappoint us. Jesus says, all hope is in Him.

Praying for you brother. Your Sis in Christ, 4C

 

[tryingtobeagain]

Sometimes women "give up" so they can see a man's true intentions. Perhaps when she seems so unsure she is looking for you to reassure her with your actions. Prove to her that you changed, prove that you will be faithfull to her ever when she's not asking (in a worst case scenerio you will at least have a clear conscious), remain strong and keep your faith. I will continue to pray for you. I admire how you fight for your marriage.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thank you so much. I was just sitting here, thinking about what 4christ2 said and was trying to move myself to where I would be tryinig to rely on God. I am trying to fight for the marriage, and I hope that even if what you suggest isn't true, that me trying and working will inspire her.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Well, she told me last nite that she had made her decision. She simply is not able to trust my motives and that there won't be a relapse in the future. I told her that I was still going to try and pray and that I loved her. She said that there will always be love for me in her. I asked her to talk to a pastor before went final on a decision like this. She said she did and he agreed with her decision. She won't tell me which pastor, which makes me wonder. She said it was someone who knew our situation and had been talked to. Now I'm upset. It means that a pastor I've beenasking counsel for has been telling me one thing and her another, or has changed his mind.

SHe said the counselor was sad at her decision but is ok her goign in this direction. I'm going to try to meet with him today - to ask if he told her this because he thinks I'm hopeless or because her hurts are too deep. He's told me in the ast that there is a door she's refusing to open. I've got to pray that she does open it, and after dealing with whatever's behinnd it she will have the strength to be with me again.

I've got to pray that the things about me that hurt her can change, that God can show me and deal with them in me. I thought I was changing - my friends, my mom and my counselor all said I was. But she won't/can't believe it's real.

We will not be going to counseling for a month or two, just working on our individual counseling - trying to make ourselves healthy. I hope that after a few months of individual she may change her mind. I asked her not to try to get involved in a relationship for at least a year. She said she had no intentions of going looking, but if a male friend asked hehr to go dancing or to eat or for a soda she wouldn't say no.

Please pray for me and for her. She believes that althoough divorce is not in God's perfect will, it is sometimes led by Him. If that is true, and she is truly hearing God, then I feel rejected by God - that God knows I won't change for real. I've got to believe that I'm not hopeless or beyond His reach. I still have a ways to go, and I could easily backslide if I don't keep up, but I'm trusting that my counselor wasn't lying to me when he said I was getting healthier.

 

[lavenderskies]

Your family is in my prayers.

 

[cjba]

I am praying for you and your wife.

Sometimes our spouses only see our imperfections. This is their excuse to leave the relationship. We all have them including them. For some reason they refuse to take a look at themselves and take responsibility for their contributions to the strife. They only want to see a change in us.

If you have people around you who tell you they see a change in you then this is a true statement. She is only seeing what she wants to see. It is choice she is making. You have a choice as well and that is to stay focused on God and trust Him. To know God does not see you as hopeless. You are a child of God and He only wants what is best for you. Sometimes He will prune us and this is painful. Remember in order to blossom you need to be pruned. Sometimes the plant looks dead on the outside but the roots are still alive. It is your choice to care for he plant or throw it away. If you take the time to water and care for the plant in time you will see the beauty of the seeds sown.

God Bless

 

[AirForceTeacher]

She is absolutely opposed to reconciliation. We just talked this morning and she told me to stop thinking about working on the marriage and start working on me. She is hard and resolute - she's talking about her business supporting her, she's talking about needing to find insurance, and she won't tell me who she went out with last nite.

Yet, she says she will always love and care for me, just not in a marriage. She wants her business to do well enough that she talked nothing from me except child support. I'm happy for this, but in a selfish way - I should be happy for her business prospects and that she doesn't want to burn me financially.

My friends last nite said let her go and if she sees that I want her and don't need her, and she sees that I've changed, she may come back.

All this talk from friends, relatives and counselors that she is just confused and that something in her still wants me now sounds like tripe that killed our chances.

I want to run, I want to give up, but I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to hold out for our marriage and hope, but my friends last nite (Christian) said that the only way for me to possibly grow enough for her to move in my direction is if I stop looking for hope and work on me.

I so want to give up and move on right now.

 

[Gimpy]

Youi can move on without giving up hope. Pray for change in your life and in your wifes life. God will change you for the better. You must cooperate though. Say no when you know you should. Say yes when God directs you. Change will come and she will see.
I am praying for you my brother. I know weakness very well. Only God is strong.
God Bless you greatly and guide you.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thanks, I'm kind of running on automatitc right now, and moving on is easier when you're on automatic apathy. Not the way I want to stay. I can feel love and compassion for her when I examine it, so I'm not dead to her.

 

[Gimpy]

Thanks, I'm kind of running on automatitc right now, and moving on is easier when you're on automatic apathy. Not the way I want to stay. I can feel love and compassion for her when I examine it, so I'm not dead to her.

I understand. The pain is very hurtful sometimes. I still go into automatic now and then. Only time and God can heal that, I have found, at least for me.