Separating again

[AirForceTeacher]

She asked me for a separation last Friday. I did convince her to give me the next three weeks to reduce tension before she decides. Please pray that she changes her mind - I don't see us surviving this one. She feels crazy around me, and I'm hoping that further counseling for her individually and me backing off and letting tension go will help.

Please pray. I don't want a divorce.

 

[Godisgr8r]

I will pray for you!

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

Bro I'm sorry. Praying.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thanks ... most people tell me that almost everyone who separates divorces, but a good friend and metor says he's seen separations not end that way, and our premarital counselors actually divorced and remarried.

I hope our situation is different, and all it needs is for us both to work on our individual issues, but I'm afraid it's not. She still wants to go out dancing, and I just think that if I'm not there, the risk is so very high. We will definitely talk about that boundary with a pastor. Maybe a compromise that she is never out dancing with just one other person, preferably with another woman there and she has to go home if she leaves.

 

[Gimpy]

I hope our situation is different, and all it needs is for us both to work on our individual issues, but I'm afraid it's not. She still wants to go out dancing, and I just think that if I'm not there, the risk is so very high. We will definitely talk about that boundary with a pastor.

You are so right. No compromise. Take my word for it. I am speaking from experience in more than just one relationship or should I say former relationships.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Last nite, she did not come hoem from her counseling appt (individual) for several hours. She said she left the appt and just walked around the mall - very unlike her. When I got home late and during all of our phone calls she seemed really down. I asked if it had been a hard appt - she said very hard. Something's happening in her - whether it will bring the marriage back to life or not I don't know. Keep praying for our individual counseling appts to bring us closer to health, so that we can save this marriage or we can move on healthily and be good parents afterward.

 

[Gimpy]

Last nite, she did not come hoem from her counseling appt (individual) for several hours. She said she left the appt and just walked around the mall - very unlike her. When I got home late and during all of our phone calls she seemed really down. I asked if it had been a hard appt - she said very hard. Something's happening in her - whether it will bring the marriage back to life or not I don't know. Keep praying for our individual counseling appts to bring us closer to health, so that we can save this marriage or we can move on healthily and be good parents afterward.

Yes, I do pray God will bring her around. Hopefully, she will see the light and come running back into your arms.
God Bless you brother.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I'm not thinking anything like that will happen, but it would be nice! I'm just hoping to hera her say she is committed to saving the marriage instead of trying to see if she can be healthy with me.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

She reiterated that she hasn't changed her mind about separation, but there's still two weeks. I implored her to go see the counselor twice this week and twice the week I'm gone. I'm gonna try to pray every day not just against separation, but for things she needs that don't affect me, or don't immediately affect my needs - I want to change the way I think about her.

 

[GodHasAPlan]

Brother - God does want to work things out in your marriage. Sometimes I guess we need to let go and let God (such a trite saying - huh?). What I mean is sometimes WE get in the way as clinging jealous husbands (been there done that). Set the boundaries as the spiritual head of the house - but - she does have free will - you can't change her heart - only God can.

My situation was messed up. My wife had an affair with my brother in my own home. The more I used my will to get her "back with the program" - the more she rebelled. I sent my brother packing back to Florida - and then eventually she went down there as well. Once I released her down that path (a really hard road for her) her attitude toward me changed tremendously. Even though she was with my brother - I believe that God was able to put pressure on her to change - and believe me He did exactly that.

Today is a whole new ball game. Man - what a wild ride!
Blessings to you - You defintely are in my prayers brother.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Yeah - I've been struggling with "owning" that decision. I know intellectualy it's the right thing to do, but it feels so wrong - it feels like giving up and losing her. Her side is also reasonable - why shoudl she believe that this time I've really changed - that it will stick. She compared our situation to those women you see on TV - you watching and your yelling at the TV "don't fall for it, don't believ him." That made me so sad and angry at the same time.

I'm still praying for a change of heart, but my hope in avoiding the separation and even avoiding divorce is very low right now. She won't even say that she loves me right now, but we went to a movia and she let me hodl her hand and stroke her legs in the movie. She's confused, I'm confused and my insecurity is tearing me and maybe us apart. My friends keep telling me that for the first time in our marriage, I'm the healthier one and I need to make the hard and sacrificial decisions - yet when she says things like that, how can I believe that she's not the rational and correct one?

 

[Godisgr8r]

How long has the marriage been on rocky ground? Maybe she needs some time to be sure that changes have been made. I don't really know your story, but time is a great healer. Be consistant, and maybe she will come around.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Well, that's the problem - a long time. She has every right to not beleive me and end this, and I have to swallow the bitter pill that it's almost all my fault. I can't think of anything she's done wrong that wasn't a bad response to something I'd already done.

The waiting, the separation, will be the hardest trial I can imagine. I'm going to do what I can to show that I've changed - to "put out the invitation" as our counselor says. If she still leaves me, then I will have to get by and move on with my kids and lean on God. I don't want that to happen, and somewhere inside I don't think she does, but she just doesn't feel like she can trust the changes. Some of that is experience with me, some of that is detritus from a rocky childhood. But, it's probably mostly me.

It's just a waiting and working game for me ... nothing else but try to change and endure the pain.

 

[Godisgr8r]

At this point, that's pretty much all you can do.
Continue with your healing, if she sees enough change in you, she just might come back. I know it's a long, hard road, but God and your friends here, will help you through it.

 

[4Christ2]

Well, that's the problem - a long time. She has every right to not beleive me and end this, and I have to swallow the bitter pill that it's almost all my fault. I can't think of anything she's done wrong that wasn't a bad response to something I'd already done.

The waiting, the separation, will be the hardest trial I can imagine. I'm going to do what I can to show that I've changed - to "put out the invitation" as our counselor says. If she still leaves me, then I will have to get by and move on with my kids and lean on God. I don't want that to happen, and somewhere inside I don't think she does, but she just doesn't feel like she can trust the changes. Some of that is experience with me, some of that is detritus from a rocky childhood. But, it's probably mostly me.

It's just a waiting and working game for me ... nothing else but try to change and endure the pain.

Dear Brother,

I'll just say that in a 25 year marriage..there was separation two times. Once for 3 years (I went back). There was no change in him and I left again for 2 years. All the while I was seeking change in him and I waited, and waited, and waited. No change was coming.

He finally saw that I wasn't coming back because there was no effort on his part to change and divorced me and remarried.

If you love her, make the necessary changes within reason. Seek godly counsel for yourself to help you. She wants to see how sincere you are about wanting her and your marriage. Show her! You can do it!

 

[AirForceTeacher]

That's what I'm about - to make the changes. Everyone keeps telling me that I have to make them for me - not to win her back. I know it's true, but I'm not there yet - maybe after a while. However, I will make the changes because no matter who I'm married to, dating, working with, whatever - my ability to love and have relationship has to be as good as possible.

 

[4Christ2]

I'm praying for you brother. Divorce is devastating! I wouldn't wish it upon my worse enemy (if I have any). Seek God continuously and may His will be done.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thanks 4Christ2. I'm gonna try to take a good friend's advice and justs concentrate on my relationship with God. I'm not sure how that plays out ... I don't want to completely stop working on my relationship with my wife, but I've got to think about what practically to do.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

To all reading this - I have a counseling appt at 9am MST today - please pray for me and my counselor, Dave.

 

[Gimpy]

To all reading this - I have a counseling appt at 9am MST today - please pray for me and my counselor, Dave.

I am praying and remembering you. I also am praying you find the strength to truely change and that you and your wife find your ways back together as it should be.
Praise God
God Bless you