Hello everyone! I am brand new to this forum and need some advice and prayers. Please indulge to give a brief history of myself. I will be married for 8 yrs in June, dated for 3 prior to marriage. My wife and I endured some very difficult times during that period. I was emotionally abusive towards her for the first few years of marriage and during the time we dated. I have been healed from that now for over 3 yrs. I thought we had a wonderful relationship in every area except sexually. This I knew was because she was afraid to trust me again and open herself up to me. I was patient hoping one day she would see me for the man I was instead of the person who wounded her so deeply. About 4 months ago I recieved a job offer to work in another state which we agreed would be a good move for us. We talked at length about this and agreed it would work because our relationship was so solid. A month ago I went home for a visit and we had a horrible weekend. We hadn't seen each other in a few weeks and I was expecting her to be happy to see me and make an effort to spend some time together and I guess in some respects to show me that she missed me. When I got back she sent me an email that said she hadn't realized that she still harboured very angry feelings with me and wasn't sure if she wanted to remain married. I don't consider myself an ignorant man but I was completely suprised by this. She is in individual therapy because she feels it is her issue to deal with. I have always taken ownership for my shortcomings and I am willing to give her all the time she needs. I have reassured her of my love and commitment to our marriage but I am feeling a bit helpless and hurt by what has occured. Please offer your honest advice as I could use an outside perspective. Thank you.
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Separated and Unsure
- Thread starter noname1965
- Start date
You have my complete sympathy. What a horribly tough spot to be in. I don't know that there is much anyone who doesn't know the extent of your history can say to help, other than suggest prayer and counselling.
I will take a few shots in the dark, but to be honest that is all they are:
Shot in the dark #1: It could simply be exactly what your wife has said. She has not yet been able to forgive you for your earlier abuse, whether you deserve it or not. The fact that you accept responsibility is a very big positive, but at this point in her life she might not be entirely ready to forgive, even if she says she does. She might not ever be able to, or might not be able to so long as you are married, as difficult as that is to deal with.
Shot in the dark #2: a move is a huge life change. It is considered to be one of the most stressful things in life actually. Not too far down the list from the death of a spouse, divorce, a death in the family, or severe illness. You might consider that she's afraid of losing what support network she has, or is just totally stressed out by the whole idea of moving. Considering your history this could be especially difficult for her, since her support network might mean even more to her than to most people. She may be afraid that things will revert to the way they were once you are in a new environment.
Third shot: you were gone for a while and she realized just how nice her life was when you weren't around. If she is still carrying the scars from your earlier abuse, your absense for a while could have been a weight off her shoulders. Almost every couple feels this in a lesser way when one of the two leaves for a while. While we may miss them greatly, sometimes those first few days alone are a pretty nice opportunity to do all the things that we don't do together as a team, and when the spouse returns sometimes we've fallen into a comfortable patern and there is a small amount of let down that tempers the happiness of their return. It can even be compounded by the knowledge that they are SUPPOSED elated that you are back, which adds even more stress to the situation as they ask themselves why they aren't as happy to see you as they themselves think they should be. There can be tremendous pressure in this regard.
I think you are doing the right thing in giving her time. Talk with her, but do not push too hard. And when you do talk, I think you are in a situation where you should mostly just listen. That and demonstrate every day who you are today as opposed to who you were then.
Last comment: she needs to understand for herself why she married someone who was emotionally abusive to her. Sometimes, our reasons for such things are subconcious. Perhaps someone else was abusive to her, so it is what she subconsiously expected in a marriage. Hopefully her councellor is asking her that question, and hopefully she finds the answer if that is an issue.
I hope it all works out. May God bless you.
I will take a few shots in the dark, but to be honest that is all they are:
Shot in the dark #1: It could simply be exactly what your wife has said. She has not yet been able to forgive you for your earlier abuse, whether you deserve it or not. The fact that you accept responsibility is a very big positive, but at this point in her life she might not be entirely ready to forgive, even if she says she does. She might not ever be able to, or might not be able to so long as you are married, as difficult as that is to deal with.
Shot in the dark #2: a move is a huge life change. It is considered to be one of the most stressful things in life actually. Not too far down the list from the death of a spouse, divorce, a death in the family, or severe illness. You might consider that she's afraid of losing what support network she has, or is just totally stressed out by the whole idea of moving. Considering your history this could be especially difficult for her, since her support network might mean even more to her than to most people. She may be afraid that things will revert to the way they were once you are in a new environment.
Third shot: you were gone for a while and she realized just how nice her life was when you weren't around. If she is still carrying the scars from your earlier abuse, your absense for a while could have been a weight off her shoulders. Almost every couple feels this in a lesser way when one of the two leaves for a while. While we may miss them greatly, sometimes those first few days alone are a pretty nice opportunity to do all the things that we don't do together as a team, and when the spouse returns sometimes we've fallen into a comfortable patern and there is a small amount of let down that tempers the happiness of their return. It can even be compounded by the knowledge that they are SUPPOSED elated that you are back, which adds even more stress to the situation as they ask themselves why they aren't as happy to see you as they themselves think they should be. There can be tremendous pressure in this regard.
I think you are doing the right thing in giving her time. Talk with her, but do not push too hard. And when you do talk, I think you are in a situation where you should mostly just listen. That and demonstrate every day who you are today as opposed to who you were then.
Last comment: she needs to understand for herself why she married someone who was emotionally abusive to her. Sometimes, our reasons for such things are subconcious. Perhaps someone else was abusive to her, so it is what she subconsiously expected in a marriage. Hopefully her councellor is asking her that question, and hopefully she finds the answer if that is an issue.
I hope it all works out. May God bless you.
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heartnsoul
Don't settle for less than God's best!
Truthfully, I think both of you still need to go to marital counseling longer and spend the time necessary for healing for both of you individually and collectively. Since you admitted to emotionally abusing her, you will probably need to work EXTRA hard in proving your sincerity that you changed for good. It will take lots of time and patience to prove that to her. Problem is...if you're focused on your career, that will put your marriage on the back burner, so to speak.
I'm going to tell you what you may not want to hear. I personally think you need to put your career on hold while you work out your marriage first. Take whatever time is necessary to stay put at home (do not move anywhere) and work with your wife to improve the emotional and sexual aspects of your marriage. My husband and I own two businesses so I know what kind of time, effort and commitment is needed to run a business. Careers will only survive when the marriage is a loving and supportive one. However, given the fragility of your marriage, I don't think it is wise for you to pursue a career at the expense of your marriage.
So please seriously consider putting your career on hold and do whatever it takes to heal your marriage. What good is it if you have a wonderful career, great income, and a DIVORCE? What's more important to you? You can always get another job, but another wife? The right answer is obvious. Sometimes sacrifices need to be made for the good of the marriage. Marriage is not about "I", but WE. So incorporate the WE and work as a team to be a stronger WE so that both of you can maybe build a career TOGETHER. Good luck and may you do the right thing to heal your relationship with your wife. God bless both of you!
I'm going to tell you what you may not want to hear. I personally think you need to put your career on hold while you work out your marriage first. Take whatever time is necessary to stay put at home (do not move anywhere) and work with your wife to improve the emotional and sexual aspects of your marriage. My husband and I own two businesses so I know what kind of time, effort and commitment is needed to run a business. Careers will only survive when the marriage is a loving and supportive one. However, given the fragility of your marriage, I don't think it is wise for you to pursue a career at the expense of your marriage.
So please seriously consider putting your career on hold and do whatever it takes to heal your marriage. What good is it if you have a wonderful career, great income, and a DIVORCE? What's more important to you? You can always get another job, but another wife? The right answer is obvious. Sometimes sacrifices need to be made for the good of the marriage. Marriage is not about "I", but WE. So incorporate the WE and work as a team to be a stronger WE so that both of you can maybe build a career TOGETHER. Good luck and may you do the right thing to heal your relationship with your wife. God bless both of you!
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noname1965 said:
The following is a guess based on my experience and what you presented...
In individual counseling she's probably telling someone bad things about you. When she says these things repetitiously they become worse for her which is bad for you, it also gives her a reason to go back for a followup session $. On top of that she has all week to think about naughty old you so when she sees you the last thoughts she had of you are those nasty ones from counseling... Are you still wondering why seeing you upsets her?
If I were you I'd move back home immediately and stop paying for counseling sessions. You are her husband and she should be talking with you to resolve these issues.
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Autumnleaf's thoughts on counceling are the classic angry spouses arguement against it. My opinion is that the RIGHT counceling does help. A good councellor isn't just someone to listen to your complaints and nod their head. If that is all she is getting, then she is not getting good counceling.
The best arguement I can make is my own. I've been married and divorced. When my ex-wife and I started to have problems, (I won't get into the how's and the why's), I requested that not only she see a councellor but that I see one, and that we both see one together. It only works if you want it to work. The one you see together should NOT be the same one she sees by herself, or that you see by yourself. That would just create a difficult situation for the councellor and suspicion on the part of the one who isn't seeing that councellor alone. Neutral ground is important.
If your marriage isn't worth the money then what is?
And here you have a guy who has humbly admitted to being abusive. He's hardly in the position to be demanding, at least if he wants his marriage to work. He has certainly put in his time patiently, and seems to be willing to do whatever he can to make it work, for which I commend him. Councelling can be a big part of that.
I think that the concensus here that he stay close to home and put in the time to make it work is right on the money. And if she still files for a divorce, then he at least has the peace of mind that comes with knowing that he did everything he could to make it work.
One last thing to keep in mind. In the US, she doesn't need to ASK for a divorce. In the US legal system, it takes two to tango but only one to stop the dance.
Peace.
The best arguement I can make is my own. I've been married and divorced. When my ex-wife and I started to have problems, (I won't get into the how's and the why's), I requested that not only she see a councellor but that I see one, and that we both see one together. It only works if you want it to work. The one you see together should NOT be the same one she sees by herself, or that you see by yourself. That would just create a difficult situation for the councellor and suspicion on the part of the one who isn't seeing that councellor alone. Neutral ground is important.
If your marriage isn't worth the money then what is?
And here you have a guy who has humbly admitted to being abusive. He's hardly in the position to be demanding, at least if he wants his marriage to work. He has certainly put in his time patiently, and seems to be willing to do whatever he can to make it work, for which I commend him. Councelling can be a big part of that.
I think that the concensus here that he stay close to home and put in the time to make it work is right on the money. And if she still files for a divorce, then he at least has the peace of mind that comes with knowing that he did everything he could to make it work.
One last thing to keep in mind. In the US, she doesn't need to ASK for a divorce. In the US legal system, it takes two to tango but only one to stop the dance.
Peace.
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Characterizing me as an angry husband is rude when you don't know me or my experience in this area. 
Arguing for counseling when it didn't help your marriage seems dumb. 
I almost got divorced due to a certified marriage counselor who kept reflecting what my wife said back to her while offering my wife "unconditional positive regard". This made my wife feel good and understood by the counselor and it embedded ill feelings deeper and deeper towards me. Like if you say 'Joes a jerk.' and someone you deeply trust and like says, 'So Joe's a Jerk? What makes you feel like that.' 'We'll he does this wrong and he did this to me...' My wife just rehashed every thing she didn't like about me over and over and over, week after week after week... If I didn't have a working understanding of theoretical and applied phsychology to stop the nonsense I'd be like our friend Archigeek. Divorced.
Its like my dad who got reamed in a divorce. He still recommended the impotent divorce attourney he had to my step brothers even though he was taken to the cleaners.
This is, in addition to the prolific use of counceling in our rampant divorce culture, the reason I run like the wind from marriage councelors and those who suggest people use them. The proof of their value is in the result of their work. Marriage is between husband, wife, and God. When people stray from there things get mucked up fast. Forgiveness is ongoing for both people in a marriage and you both have to move on and rely on each other to decide what is best for your marriage. Love your wife and encourage her to trust your lead in the marriage. Show her what you do for the family and ask for how she sees things. You and her have to communicate so you see where each other are coming from. If she confides with a counselor and you are left in the dark about how she feels its just no good.
Arguing for counseling when it didn't help your marriage seems dumb. I almost got divorced due to a certified marriage counselor who kept reflecting what my wife said back to her while offering my wife "unconditional positive regard". This made my wife feel good and understood by the counselor and it embedded ill feelings deeper and deeper towards me. Like if you say 'Joes a jerk.' and someone you deeply trust and like says, 'So Joe's a Jerk? What makes you feel like that.' 'We'll he does this wrong and he did this to me...' My wife just rehashed every thing she didn't like about me over and over and over, week after week after week... If I didn't have a working understanding of theoretical and applied phsychology to stop the nonsense I'd be like our friend Archigeek. Divorced. Its like my dad who got reamed in a divorce. He still recommended the impotent divorce attourney he had to my step brothers even though he was taken to the cleaners.
archigeek said:
This is, in addition to the prolific use of counceling in our rampant divorce culture, the reason I run like the wind from marriage councelors and those who suggest people use them. The proof of their value is in the result of their work. Marriage is between husband, wife, and God. When people stray from there things get mucked up fast. Forgiveness is ongoing for both people in a marriage and you both have to move on and rely on each other to decide what is best for your marriage. Love your wife and encourage her to trust your lead in the marriage. Show her what you do for the family and ask for how she sees things. You and her have to communicate so you see where each other are coming from. If she confides with a counselor and you are left in the dark about how she feels its just no good.
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Setfreebygrace
Member
Autumnleaf said:Characterizing me as an angry husband is rude when you don't know me or my experience in this area.
Its like my dad who got reamed in a divorce. He still recommended the impotent divorce attourney he had to my step brothers even though he was taken to the cleaners.
This is, in addition to the prolific use of counceling in our rampant divorce culture, the reason I run like the wind from marriage councelors and those who suggest people use them. The proof of their value is in the result of their work. Marriage is between husband, wife, and God. When people stray from there things get mucked up fast. Forgiveness is ongoing for both people in a marriage and you both have to move on and rely on each other to decide what is best for your marriage. Love your wife and encourage her to trust your lead in the marriage. Show her what you do for the family and ask for how she sees things. You and her have to communicate so you see where each other are coming from. If she confides with a counselor and you are left in the dark about how she feels its just no good.
You speak with a lot of rage in your words. sounds to me there is bitterness in your heart. The Bible says that there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors. Quit giving bad advice. Some people don't know how to talk to the spouses, so counseling would be a great thing for them. Don't let your bad experiences cloud the usefulness of it to others.
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Well let me clarify just a little bit.
I wasn't meaning to imply that you (Autumnleaf) are an angry husband. I don't even know if you are married though I gather that you are. I was meaning to say that your response sounded like a common response of a husband who feels threatened, and that I disagree with it. Many husbands feel threatened when they hear their wife tell them they want counseling, yet clearly there are problems if a person's spouse has reached a point where they are willing to tell their spouse that they want help from a professional.
It wasn't meant as an insult or to be rude, though I will readily admit that it does sound that way. I apologize for being insensitive, which the statement was.
Moving onward.
Just because my marriage failed, doesn't mean that counseling didn't work, or help me or my ex-wife. Life is complicated. Counseling helped me a great deal. And it can help other people too, so long as they approach it as a useful tool and not a panacea. Counseling is not dumb, nor is recommending it. When something in my life doesn't go the way I want it to, I pick myself up with God's help and move on. Counseling helped me do that.
Going to a counselor isn't a magic bullet that guarantees that you are going to stay married, nor is it a formality on the way to divorce that should make someone who doesn't want a divorce feel threatened. It is a chance to improve. If a person doesn't see it as that, then certainly it is a waste of time and money.
In the case of noname1965 who started this thread, we have a person who has admitted to emotionally abusing his wife for six years. An admission that I'm sure took a tremendous amount of courage. Is it any wonder she feels a need for counseling? She doesn't seem to be using it against him but as a way to help them. If the counselor is good, and they both want to improve it can help a great deal.
Peace,
I wasn't meaning to imply that you (Autumnleaf) are an angry husband. I don't even know if you are married though I gather that you are. I was meaning to say that your response sounded like a common response of a husband who feels threatened, and that I disagree with it. Many husbands feel threatened when they hear their wife tell them they want counseling, yet clearly there are problems if a person's spouse has reached a point where they are willing to tell their spouse that they want help from a professional.
It wasn't meant as an insult or to be rude, though I will readily admit that it does sound that way. I apologize for being insensitive, which the statement was.
Moving onward.
Just because my marriage failed, doesn't mean that counseling didn't work, or help me or my ex-wife. Life is complicated. Counseling helped me a great deal. And it can help other people too, so long as they approach it as a useful tool and not a panacea. Counseling is not dumb, nor is recommending it. When something in my life doesn't go the way I want it to, I pick myself up with God's help and move on. Counseling helped me do that.
Going to a counselor isn't a magic bullet that guarantees that you are going to stay married, nor is it a formality on the way to divorce that should make someone who doesn't want a divorce feel threatened. It is a chance to improve. If a person doesn't see it as that, then certainly it is a waste of time and money.
In the case of noname1965 who started this thread, we have a person who has admitted to emotionally abusing his wife for six years. An admission that I'm sure took a tremendous amount of courage. Is it any wonder she feels a need for counseling? She doesn't seem to be using it against him but as a way to help them. If the counselor is good, and they both want to improve it can help a great deal.
Peace,
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Setfreebygrace said:
If you have a point to make concerning couseling which applies please present it. I've given premise for what I've written. Otherwise please go flame someone else.
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archigeek said:
When a wife brings up divorce the man would have to be a fool not to feel threatened if he values his marriage. You are right about problems needing to be addressed in such a situation. The question is what needs to be done? When counseling is currently ongoing and things are not getting better, getting worse?, I would definitely try something else immediately
. I know its really cool to point people to counseling these days but I'm waiting for anyone to show me any evidence counseling saves marriages. Everything I've experienced suggests otherwise and the research I have seen suggests counseling is an even shot either way, at best it won't hurt depending on how dumb/smart the counselor is.
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Thank you to all who responded. I agree with what most of you have said. It has been my experience that a good counselor can help repair a relationship. But only if you are willing to focus on yourself and not the actions of your spouse. God has given us all free will! We cannot change another person we can only change those things about us that make us feel insecure, angry, and fearful. I only have the power to change those things within me which play a part in my deteriorating relationship. While that concept seems to clash with my spiritual concept it has helped me understand that I am at present powerless over the status of my marriage. As selfish as it sounds I need to ensure that I am taking care of my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. I have made it abundantly clear to my wife that I am here for her, that I love her, and that I will wait patiently for her to decide what she wants. She does not want me to give up my job and move back, she said she needs this time to work on herself and she thinks that the separation is helping her by not having to live with the day to day stress of having me around. I have managed to work on the shame and guilt that I have been carrying because of my past actions. I feel as if I am a better person for realizing why I did what I did and ensuring that I don't allow myself to repeat those actions. My struggle now seems to be that I have a hard time understanding why the last 3 years she has been unable or unwilling to tell me how she felt. She has told me that she didn't realize it until just recently but I just can't seem to make sense of that. Also I have a difficult time with my life in "limbo" maybe that is just a "man thing" but I would appreciate any feedback on how long I need to live with my life in turmoil and uncertainty. One last question: She swears that there is no one else involved but my heart tells me differently. We go days without talking and alot of times when I call her she does not return my calls until the next day saying she was out with the girls. I want to believe her but something inside me tells me there is more to it. Please let me know your thoughts.
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Hi Buddy
I know what you are going through. I had the same feelings and similar experience with my wife.
All I can tell you is that if you walk in Christ you will be rewarded. The trials and tribulations are the beginning. God says he will reward us if we are faithful, his reward is the end. Just remember that Jesus was crucified on Friday and resurrected on Sunday(Joyce Meyer). He had to go through the trials and tribulations before he could claim the victory over evil and defeat satan.
Many times we think that the wicked are the ones that get away with everything. Well proverbs 10: 27 onwards tells us what will happen to those of the world and what will happen to us.
Proverbs 7 also tells us about what happens to those that are involved with adultery.
As you so rightly say we must look after ourselves so we are in a better position to be able to look after others.
My favourite verse is Romans 8:32 if God gave us his son how much more is he not willing to give us. This gives me the power to continue.
We need to have faith that he is all powerful ,seeing and present. His will for our lives is best and it might not be what we want but we must trust that he has the best solution for us.
Joyce Meyer said in one of her messages. We must pray that the lord shows us where we can improve and wait on the lord to take us to victory and his will and purpose for our lives.
If you can get the books by Neil Anderson Victory over darkness and the bondage breaker. These helped me in my walk as well as bringing me peace. But having this peace is not easy. Even now I have severe attacks and at present I am under some major attack that I have to deal with. But in Christ Jesus we have the victory. If HE is in us who can be against us.
Then if you can get neils book the Christ centred marriage this will help prepare you for your future as well.
May God bring you peace and happiness. Look to him and walk in him and you will be rewarded. This is not easy I promise you, as I said I still struggle with it. But read the word. If you know the truth the truth will set you free.
I know what you are going through. I had the same feelings and similar experience with my wife.
All I can tell you is that if you walk in Christ you will be rewarded. The trials and tribulations are the beginning. God says he will reward us if we are faithful, his reward is the end. Just remember that Jesus was crucified on Friday and resurrected on Sunday(Joyce Meyer). He had to go through the trials and tribulations before he could claim the victory over evil and defeat satan.
Many times we think that the wicked are the ones that get away with everything. Well proverbs 10: 27 onwards tells us what will happen to those of the world and what will happen to us.
proverbs 10:
27 The fear of the LORD prolongeth days: but the years of the wicked shall be shortened.
28 The hope of the righteous shall be gladness: but the expectation of the wicked shall perish.
29 The way of the LORD is strength to the upright: but destruction shall be to the workers of iniquity.
30 The righteous shall never be removed: but the wicked shall not inhabit the earth.
31 The mouth of the just bringeth forth wisdom: but the froward tongue shall be cut out.
27 The fear of the LORD prolongeth days: but the years of the wicked shall be shortened.
28 The hope of the righteous shall be gladness: but the expectation of the wicked shall perish.
29 The way of the LORD is strength to the upright: but destruction shall be to the workers of iniquity.
30 The righteous shall never be removed: but the wicked shall not inhabit the earth.
31 The mouth of the just bringeth forth wisdom: but the froward tongue shall be cut out.
Proverbs 7 also tells us about what happens to those that are involved with adultery.
As you so rightly say we must look after ourselves so we are in a better position to be able to look after others.
My favourite verse is Romans 8:32 if God gave us his son how much more is he not willing to give us. This gives me the power to continue.
We need to have faith that he is all powerful ,seeing and present. His will for our lives is best and it might not be what we want but we must trust that he has the best solution for us.
Joyce Meyer said in one of her messages. We must pray that the lord shows us where we can improve and wait on the lord to take us to victory and his will and purpose for our lives.
If you can get the books by Neil Anderson Victory over darkness and the bondage breaker. These helped me in my walk as well as bringing me peace. But having this peace is not easy. Even now I have severe attacks and at present I am under some major attack that I have to deal with. But in Christ Jesus we have the victory. If HE is in us who can be against us.
Then if you can get neils book the Christ centred marriage this will help prepare you for your future as well.
May God bring you peace and happiness. Look to him and walk in him and you will be rewarded. This is not easy I promise you, as I said I still struggle with it. But read the word. If you know the truth the truth will set you free.
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noname1965 said:
Hire a private investigator to get the answers you need to make your decision.
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heartnsoul
Don't settle for less than God's best!
From what you described above, it doesn't make any sense to me. The separation time is to work on rebuilding the relationship TOGETHER. Staying away from you because of the stress? What stress is she talking about?noname1965 said:
Also, she not returning your phone calls is unacceptable and disrespectful. That shows a lack of care and commitment towards you.If she is not working towards mending the relationship (meaning working things out together, go to joint counseling, workshops, seminars, reading together), then how is the relationship going to work out? You need to get a straight answer her one way or another before deciding to permanently move away and take the job offer. If you take the job offer without resolving your marriage problems, then I think you're signing your own divorce certificate.
Ask her for a commitment to go to counseling with you and work things out. That is not too unreasonable of a request. After all, she is still your wife. If she skirts the issue and refuses to commit herself to working things out with you, then it's time for you to move on with your life. Wishful thinking/hoping is not the answer. As her husband, you have a right to ask her for a commitment to work things out. Keep in mind, divorce is not the end of the world. My husband and I divorced and then remarried two years later after we both had time to heal and become friends again.
Time can heal wounds and bring people back together if it's in God's will. Absence sometimes does make the heart grow fonder. No one can predict what your future will bring, but you can work in making today the best you can be...living one day at a time. So see if you can get a commitment from her. If not, you will have to move on with your life. Living in limbo is not the right way to live. Life is too short to live in limbo. Please keep us posted. I hope she is willing to work things out with you. May God be with both of you.
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ceres
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. <img src=
As soon as I saw that you moved out of state I said to myself OH NO!!! She's setting him up!!! I can't be sure, of course, but that was my instant inclination. She may indeed be seeing someone else. I am concerned most about your parental rights, do you two have children? If you moved out of state like that, you will leave her claiming full custody and she can move where ever she wants. If you stayed in state, she will not be able to leave the vacinity with the children. I don't know, maybe there are no children, but if there are, I would move back quickly before any legal processes begin, and at least check on your rights in this area with an attorney. If there are children I would hate to see you excluded from their life because of this move away from your family.
Even if there are no children, I would quit that job and get back to state right away. Clearly NOT being around you is not helping, you guys need to get into counseling right away.
Even if there are no children, I would quit that job and get back to state right away. Clearly NOT being around you is not helping, you guys need to get into counseling right away.
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ceres
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. <img src=
noname1965 said:
These are all signs of an affair. A sudden change, blamed on something that happened 3 years ago. Not wanting you around. Not being available and blaming it on "the girls" .... and finally, your inclination. Sometimes we know things without having good reason.
It is usually someone they are spending a lot of time with, perhaps a male coworker?
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The more I think about your situation the more I think that only you and your wife can sort this one out. And by that I mean that coming here for advice isn't going to solve anything, other than that some folks here can point you in various directions. I just think the issues here are too complicated for anyone who doesn't know them very closely to offer any sound advice beyond the most general sort. There are no perfect answers and no magic bullets for your situation.
Personally, I don't think "a night out with the girls" or not calling you back till the next day is enough to create suspicion that she's seeing someone else, but I do think that it's pretty clear that she isn't sure she wants to make the effort to make the marriage work. Moving away just facilitates that all the more. Your concern is certainly valid, but it seems to me that you have very little evidence. If you want it to work, move back and find a job there. If you stay away I think you are finished, good or bad.
The question about whether or not you have kids is very valid as well. If you have children, stick by them or you will lose them.
I guess the last question is what do you want out of all this? As your thread title states, you are "separated and unsure". Have you figured out what you want? That's pretty important.
Personally, I don't think "a night out with the girls" or not calling you back till the next day is enough to create suspicion that she's seeing someone else, but I do think that it's pretty clear that she isn't sure she wants to make the effort to make the marriage work. Moving away just facilitates that all the more. Your concern is certainly valid, but it seems to me that you have very little evidence. If you want it to work, move back and find a job there. If you stay away I think you are finished, good or bad.
The question about whether or not you have kids is very valid as well. If you have children, stick by them or you will lose them.
I guess the last question is what do you want out of all this? As your thread title states, you are "separated and unsure". Have you figured out what you want? That's pretty important.
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To answer you questions we do not have children and what I want is to Honor my marriage vows. I love my wife and believe in my heart that I have done all I can to prove that to her (she agrees with me as well). She told me this past weekend that she needs to be selfish right now and think about herself and sort out the feelings she is having. I reassured her that I love her and that I am willing to wait as long as necessary. She does not want me to come home. She has said that she needs this time away from me to decide what she wants. As much as I want to go home I feel I have no choice but to be respectful of her wishes. I know that I do not have any real proof that she is being unfaithful but I can't help but notice that all the signs are there. She is totally detached from me emotionally. She hid her cell phone the whole time I was there this weekend (I didn't ask her about it) but this is definately uncharacteristic of her. She also wanted nothing to do with me physically, she said she could not even kiss me which again I respected her wishes. She said that she ate to much on thanksgiving and immediately went to lie down after dinner at her parents house and didn't wake up until it was time to go. She has told me that she feels guilty for putting me through this and that she feels God thinks she should let me go to spare me any pain to which I responded that I don't think God would say that. The only thing I am unsure of is the why all of a sudden she feels this way. All this uncertainty has created such havoc in my life that is what I am unsure over. Any suggestions?
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Febe
Well-Known Member
Is it common, I wonder, that men is "completely surprised", when life changes???
I have been married in 23½ years, and all this time, when I talk with my husband, he hears what he wants to hear - which is not always the same as what I say...
This is very confusing!:o
I can only give one advice: Pray for a miracle! They sometimes happen...
I have been married in 23½ years, and all this time, when I talk with my husband, he hears what he wants to hear - which is not always the same as what I say...
This is very confusing!:o
I can only give one advice: Pray for a miracle! They sometimes happen...
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