Self vanity

[MehTeh]

I have been similar at times, but in my case it was linked to weight. I think that because I'm fat I'm not going to look good no matter how well I dress so there is no point in trying and I'll just wear this daggy stuff.

Part of me also thinks I don't want to buy any nice clothes because then by purchasing them I am admitting that I am fat and I won't lose it any time soon.

But I also think I look decent when I am dressed up, indeed I think I look my best when dressed in formal or near formal attire. But so do a lot of people.

 

[Brad2009]

I understand what you mean Meh. But I no longer feel that way, I like it when people treat me good, don't like it when they treat me bad... it might be an age thing. Just don't be so down on yourself - you do have value. Wearing decent clothes does impact people's treatment of me... I don't go over the top, but I'm a lot better dresser than I was at your age. I would advise you to dress decently (don't become a fashion harlot or anything, just find a style that suits you and get a few nice items; it will help).

Honestly, I think that healthy 'self-esteem' is just when you don't think about your self-esteem. On both sides of the thin line are pitfalls - narcissism and self-loathing. If you can just be, I think that is when you are healthy. For my part, I was never at peace before I believed. I know you are an atheist, but I was too from a fairly early age (16). God bless you, I hope you find peace in your soul and God's presence in your life.

Merry Christmas!

 

[Obzocky]

Ah, self loathing, a familiar thing indeed. Sometimes self loathing can reach the point of vanity, or at least appearing like it. With the first statement, regarding clothes, i'm the opposite. My opinion is that even if the body within them is awful to look at the clothes at least should be beautiful.

The second statement i'm unfortunately guilty of;thinking those talking to me/interested/being nice should have higher standards/should stop being nice for the sake of niceness/all that awful stuff that is actually like slapping the other person in the face for having these feelings in the first place.

It's a hard cycle to break out of.

 

[GQ Chris]

No, not me. I guess it comes with more experience. When I was younger I was very shy and didn't know who I was or what I believed. That has all changed now.

 

[Tamara224]

Anyone else experience something I like to call "self vanity". Where you refuse to wear nice clothes because you think you do not deserve it because of your physical reasons? Or the feelings of being ashamed of certain people being nice to you because you think they should have higher standards?

I experience this quite a lot. Anyone else the same?

I don't know if it's what you're talking about or not but....

I'm in desperate need of new jeans and new skirts but I refuse to go buy any right now because I've gained weight this past year and I don't want to buy the size I'd have to buy. I definitely feel like I don't "deserve" to buy nice clothes until I've lost some weight.

 

[Thunder Peel]

There's nothing wrong with having nice things as long as they're not idols or tools you use to place yourself above others. We all have different standards and commodities so just enjoy what you like regardless of what others may say about it.

I also don't see self-loathing as a bad thing. It's certainly better than thinking you're the greatest thing to ever walk the face of the earth. I find that it helps me focus anger and disappointment on myself instead of directing it at other people.

 

[Brad2009]

I also don't see self-loathing as a bad thing. It's certainly better than thinking you're the greatest thing to ever walk the face of the earth. I find that it helps me focus anger and disappointment on myself instead of directing it at other people.

Austin, you're too hard on yourself. Granted that we should be testing ourselves to be see if we are truly in the faith, but if you are called to love thy neighbor as you love yourself... should you not love yourself as well? And if God chastens and rebukes you, that shows His love as well...

Anyway, brother, I don't think it is good to loathe yourself - but neither is vain-glory... I do think its a fine line. May God's peace be with you

 

[GQ Chris]

Brad's got it right, neither of those two extremes is good.

 

[GenericTaoMaster]

Anyone else experience something I like to call "self vanity". Where you refuse to wear nice clothes because you think you do not deserve it because of your physical reasons? Or the feelings of being ashamed of certain people being nice to you because you think they should have higher standards?

I experience this quite a lot. Anyone else the same?

I clicked on the thread for narcissistic reasons. I thought you were going to have a mirror or something here so I could look at myself some more.

I think you are insecure about something. That's why the quick defense when someone claims to be better than you. Either you actually think you're better than them, or you are offended and you feel ashamed that they are better-- so you feel the need to defend yourself.

I'm thinking it's more the latter. You should search within and explore these feelings of insecurity until you find a balance. Tackle your own emotions first. Then worry about other people. Self confidence is great but too much can border narcissism.

 

[MehGuy]

I clicked on the thread for narcissistic reasons. I thought you were going to have a mirror or something here so I could look at myself some more.

I think you are insecure about something. That's why the quick defense when someone claims to be better than you. Either you actually think you're better than them, or you are offended and you feel ashamed that they are better-- so you feel the need to defend yourself.

I'm thinking it's more the latter. You should search within and explore these feelings of insecurity until you find a balance. Tackle your own emotions first. Then worry about other people. Self confidence is great but too much can border narcissism.

Sorry but having a strong reaction when someone thinks they are better than me, is a trait I plan on to keep and never let die out. Even when I improve my own self confidence I want to find some way to keep the spirit alive. I've already spent considerable amount of time worrying about the fact that I care less and less what people think as time goes by.

 

[Stravinsk]

This thread is more about feeling like you are not good enough for that nice looking coat or something, because you feel like you are just dressing up a piece of crap and you are like over stepping your boundaries.

And like having disgust when some people who you feel are "higher" or at least as far as they know should think that talk and be friendly towards you makes you feel disgust, and not necessarily in a depressive way.

This isn't a vanity issue. It's a self-esteem issue.

And it WILL NOT be solved by telling yourself how marvelous you are or repeating "I am worthy" 1000 times.

You are an atheist - so I don't know how you will take this - because it involves conscience.(Given that they can otherwise afford it) - People often dress outwardly as a reflection of how they feel inwardly(and I'm not talking about style of expensive clothing). As a Christian - I know my sins definately effect how I feel about myself. The more I sin and justify it/excuse it - the more I become self loathing. There is no answer to me but to A) repent and B) accept forgiveness which is dependant on C)Belief and Forgiving others.

Sin hurts *you*. Even if you don't believe in Christ - you might do well to take a look at His words and examine your own attitudes and actions. Take His advice in the beatitudes, in instruction and so forth - I'm willing to bet with changes made to your life you will feel better about yourself and not feel like you are "dressing up" a peice of crap.

 

[MehGuy]

This isn't a vanity issue. It's a self-esteem issue.

And it WILL NOT be solved by telling yourself how marvelous you are or repeating "I am worthy" 1000 times.

You are an atheist - so I don't know how you will take this - because it involves conscience.(Given that they can otherwise afford it) - People often dress outwardly as a reflection of how they feel inwardly(and I'm not talking about style of expensive clothing). As a Christian - I know my sins definitely effect how I feel about myself. The more I sin and justify it/excuse it - the more I become self loathing. There is no answer to me but to A) repent and B) accept forgiveness which is dependent on C)Belief and Forgiving others.

Sin hurts *you*. Even if you don't believe in Christ - you might do well to take a look at His words and examine your own attitudes and actions. Take His advice in the beatitudes, in instruction and so forth - I'm willing to bet with changes made to your life you will feel better about yourself and not feel like you are "dressing up" a peice of crap.

Lol of course it won't be solved by saying I"m worthy a thousand times. I don't even try it, I just say things as I see it. Though it's almost got me thrown in the hospital or wherever they send suicidal people lol. Not so much with being so depressed but more with a dignity issue. I just feel like I've gotten the raw end of the stick for pretty much everything in life, and I actually am quite rare in that regard. I would tell various doctors in a calming voice that I was going to kill myself if things didn't get better because I don't feel like acting like everything is fine. And the mere though of someone thinking that I should suck it up and not be a "coward" fills me with rage. Which is part of the reason I am keeping it hush hush, because how dare anyone tell me to keep on living with this.

Lol but don't worry I can still keep my sense of humor about this, I'm not one of those people who cut themselves or anything *never really understood why anyone would do that in the first place* guess it releases some chemicals or something. Doubt it has anything to do with sin, in fact if I ever do manage to fix all my problems I tend to become ever more selfish.

I defiantly do not wish for anyone to be suicidal though, it's like being really sick and trying to fight the urge to throw up and it really does burn off your compassion for other people.

 

[catzrfluffy]

No-one is worth less than anyone else. No-one is somehow better than other people. Anyone who thinks that has their head up their ass. lol.

It's all a lie created by people's insecurities and arrogance.

If you accept and believe the truth, it will set you free. Then you can do what you want - and laugh at all the haters!

 

[MacFall]

No, not really. I don't wear expensive clothes because the only value I see in clothes is how comfortable they are to wear. If I could get away with wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt, I would. And I figure, I haven't done anything to deserve NOT being treated politely and kindly by someone else, so why should I feel bad about that?

 

[Im_A]

Seeing posts in this thread...you people over complicate things.

I dress with styles that I believe look good on me and people in my past have stated certain things look good on me. I've spent 10 bucks for a pair of jeans or a shirt and I've forked out around 200 dollars for my car coat. If it looks good and if I can afford it and if I want to buy it, I'll buy it.

Its not that complicated.

Pills are there for people who over-complicate this...

 

[Apollo Celestio]

There's nothing wrong with having nice things as long as they're not idols or tools you use to place yourself above others. We all have different standards and commodities so just enjoy what you like regardless of what others may say about it.

I also don't see self-loathing as a bad thing. It's certainly better than thinking you're the greatest thing to ever walk the face of the earth. I find that it helps me focus anger and disappointment on myself instead of directing it at other people.

Self loathing is not humility. It's as much a focus on the self as those grandiose egomaniacs...they're just happy about it. It's a selfish emotion where you constantly act to defeat yourself and thus render yourself useless to God because you're not good enough. It's not the way it's supposed to be, and that's not an emotional truth.

 

[MehGuy]

No-one is worth less than anyone else. No-one is somehow better than other people. Anyone who thinks that has their head up their ass. lol.

It's all a lie created by people's insecurities and arrogance.

If you accept and believe the truth, it will set you free. Then you can do what you want - and laugh at all the haters!

Lol well I actually agree with you there. No one is inherently better than another. My mind is a personal testimony to that... I can admire women who fall below other women in certain areas lol. Hopefully use that to pop open some peoples tires.


Still it's hard to fight these feelings, and I personally do not want to back down from them, if I even really can.

 

[Stravinsk]

Self loathing is not humility. It's as much a focus on the self as those grandiose egomaniacs...they're just happy about it. It's a selfish emotion where you constantly act to defeat yourself and thus render yourself useless to God because you're not good enough. It's not the way it's supposed to be, and that's not an emotional truth.

^^ This is true. And I also believe that often it stems from our competative nature and from a certain ill-will towards others that accompanies that. What we reflect in action and thought towards others is reflected back to us. Something like "the measure you use, will be measured to you" - Jesus used this to illustrate why not to judge - although the principle applies to alot of things. It's like a "karma" the bible never (to my knowledge) states outright - but is woven in so many passages of the OT and NT.

 

[mina]

True humility is not thinking badly of yourself; it's simply not thinking of yourself. Humility doesn't equate with putting yourself down or thinking you don't deserve any nice things; humility is thinking of others BEFORE giving a thought to yourself. Self loathing is a kind of selfishness and it's really hard to break out of, but it's still thinking of yourself....a LOT.