I have doubted both. I would doubt God’s existence (not sure why or how, but it was like I wanted to believe, but for some reason couldn’t; it was as if my intellectual side kept saying that it just wasn’t possible). I would fight this doubt, and I would end up doubting in my ability to believe, resulting in me believing that I wasn’t chosen to believe or that God hadn’t granted me faith. That thought sort of comes around full circle, as if I believed that God hadn’t granted me faith, I had to believe in Him in the first place. I have doubted my ability to believe and have faith, doubted God’s existence, and even doubted whether or not He wanted me or not. So it’s a combination of all of that that has left me in despair. And yes, I have heard both songs, which have helped me through some tough times. And can you explain to me more about this woman you mentioned?
Well, this woman is in her mid 60's, never got married, seems as if she's always wanted to be married? She was molested as a child and can't seem to identify who she is outside of that experience. It's like she's never grown to maturity emotionally. I tried to be her friend and she ended up turning around and stabbing me in the back basically.
I think she didn't know what to do with me because I was the only person that she could not say she had a "worse life" than me. I think she was jealous. She didn't seem to be able to figure out how I'd survived all I had and to still have the faith I have. I have been through a lot of ...... poo!
She also had the tendency to be critical and need to prove she was right no matter what - sort of thing. I think her real issue was that she never resolved not feeling heard as a kid. She blamed her own father for not protecting her from the abuse (as far as I know it only happened once); yet states she never told her parents either. (So how do you justify blaming them?)
And me coming from a similar although far more dysfunctional background understood the cognitive distortions she had; and when I'd challenge her to consider a different perspective, she'd get mad at me.
Well, she had this other woman who allegedly was trying to mentor her. Who herself is just divisive. She's quite well described in 2 Timothy 3 and the description of what these sort of people do - is exactly what happened. She "led captive" this "silly woman laden with sin". This "mentor" didn't like me and she had a tendency to target people she didn't like. I found this out from another church member who's also been a target of hers.
My son with his autism and epilepsy was in need of the cry room in the back of the church. We were the only ones using it at the time and the "mentor" was spearheading the objection to us using it. So we ended up in the downstairs infant nursery of the church basement for like 4 years. Then several other things happened and basically I got fed up and we left. The last straw was when they wouldn't baptize my son. He'd waited 7 years. He was baptized last year at a Christian music festival we go to. So, that was the last straw.
The church we are at now seems much more accepting, although doctrinally, I'd have to say it's not quite as established. I think we are there for a reason though. It seems like a very lively church, where there is genuine interest in peoples' spiritual growth. I feel more accepted too; but I'm also not a quiet mousy person either, so if they can take me where I'm at; that does say something about their maturity as a faith group of people.
So, that's that.
As far as you are speaking of doubting God's existence. I go through times on occasion where I feel like this can't be real, because it's too awesome and I can't wrap my brain around it. It's almost like doubting God is real because He's too real. LOL. I don't know if that makes sense to you; or if that could be the type of doubt you experience too.
That I think though is distinctly different from the atheistic or agnostic type of doubt. I don't know how old you are. You speak of your parents, so I'm assuming your in high school to a 20 something. (You could be older if you've been dealing with OCD a long time and it causes you significant impairment - but I get the impression that you are younger.)
Also I don't know how long you've been a believer and if you remember not being a believer. I distinctively remember being an atheist as a teenager, so I have something to compare to. People who grew up in Christian homes sometimes don't have that perspective because they've been around religion their entire life.
So if the kind of doubt you are experiencing is "God, You're too good to be true". I think that is not necessarily an indication of a lack of faith. If you know what I mean. You see to be the kind of person who's invested emotionally in the understanding of your need for redemption. And that is certainly not characteristic of someone with no faith.
You follow me?