- Apr 25, 2019
- 208
- 102
- 22
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
I’m lost. I have no joy in life anymore. I’ve always been a Christian, my parents raised me as such, but I’m not so sure I was ever saved. I began to watch inappropriate content and stuff when I was around 11 or 12, and it changed me. I became obsessed with sex and other sinful things of this world, and I didn’t really make time for God. I believed in the Bible and God and Jesus, but I didn’t really want to serve Him. I thought that I was saved, and that God would just forgive me of whatever. Now I know that this is wrong, and I realized that, after learning that not everyone who calls Lord Lord will go to the kingdom of heaven. I began to try to really know God, and I thought I had really found and accepted Him. It was the happiest I had ever felt. I would still have times if doubt, and I wanted to be sure of my salvation. I began looking at my life, but didn’t really see any fruits being produced, and I still had the desire to sin, though I attempted to suppress it. I didn’t feel I was changing. I constantly prayed, in tears, for God to change me, soften my heart. Then there were times when the doubt would set in. I would suddenly find it hard to believe in God and Jesus, no matter how hard I tried. The harder I tried to believe, the more I doubted. The more I tried to believe, the more I seemed to fall into unbelief. I didn’t want to stop believing, it just happened, against my will. I wanted so much to believe, I begged for God to let me believe, with tears. I was afraid I had fallen away. Then, when I suddenly would believe again, I would fear that I had fallen away and couldn’t come back (Hebrews 6). I feared I had fallen away and couldn’t come back to repentance, like Esau, though I sought it with many tears. This has been going on for several months, and I have cried more times in this period than I ever had. Am I too far gone? Is there even a sliver of hope for me? Does God want me? How can I be saved? How am I supposed to believe to receive salvation? What do I do? My parents have repeatedly told me that I wasn’t too far gone, and that this was all just because of my OCD. But OCD shouldn’t make me question my faith so much that I have to force myself to believe. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m so confused. My greatest fears are that I will go to Hell when I die, that there is no hope for me, that I am beyond saving, that God doesn’t want me, and that I will eventually fall away, which I don’t want to do.