Ruined for good?

[allyfwabuhs]

I just registered because I need someone to talk to who is a fellow believer! I married my husband last June. We are both believers, and are each other's best friend. When we got married in June, I got on birth control because we are very young and Jay needed to at least finish out his degree so that a job could start which would yield more stable finances. Kids wouldn't be the most practical, but I wanted a baby more than anything at the bottom of my heart, buried so that no discord would result between us. In November of this past year, I got off the pill. It really messed up my body, and Jay and I decided we would leave whether we conceived or not in God's hands. In the first week of January, I had a cycle. Then, nothing. I still to this day have not had a cycle. My stomach has cramped for months, and after tons of bloodwork, medication to drop my cycle, and several ultrasounds and well as many urine pregnancy tests, the doctors are baffled.

I'm so concerned that my body is out of whack and that if I ever do have my period (I have to have one sometime, right??) it still will be very hard to conceive! I feel so much guilt for even being on birth control, and I hate to admit it, but I feel resentment towards my husband. Resentment towards a man who works 50 hours of manual labor a week and is in school full time. Resentment towards an incredibly loving and wonderful man. This, in turn, makes me feel even more guilty. Help! I don't want my body to be ruined, and I don't want my marriage to be either.

We have had several big fights lately, and I can tell when I lash out that I really am hurting him. I'm just so concerned and angry with myself.

 

[koshka]

Just from reading your post, i understand that some people find it an overwhelming desire to have a baby - and it is normal to want to have children - but from what you say it sounds like now really might possibly be the best time - and although your body isn't on track at the moment with your periods not arriving it doesn't mean that your body would be ruined or that you wouldn't be able to have children in the future. It sounds like you are experiencing really strong emotions/stress- about having a baby or the possibility of not having one, about your body and towards your husband.

In addition, if you had a baby now - with your husband working such long hours, you could possibly struggle to cope unless you have a lot of family support - which you don't say whether you have or not.

Perhaps it would be helpful to chat through with someone like a counsellor or trained psychologist (if possible Christian although others can help) who could help you with the emotions around what seems to be a really big issue of having a baby now (which i'm not denying a lot of people have) and help you explore your options as it seems that you are in a stressful situation. Also psychologists can give sessions to you together with your husband to help support your relationship together.