rough few days, Possible triggers

[The4Rs]

I am just posting b/c it is almost midnight and I am still awake. Ever have those nights where your afraid to go to sleep? Where you feel like your the only one up this late? Like everyone else gets those happy dreams and restfull sleep? Wishing you were doing everything right so that you wouldn't be afraid? Feeling shock of what memories lurk in your mind? Totally not understanding what is going on in your life?

I have only really begun to unravel the mess of my childhood I guess. I can remember some of my past childhood abuse but there is more that needs to come forward. Some brief facts.. raped at 6 by neighborhood bullies, alchoholic stepfather that just plain hated me. Oh, and someone got ahold of me before the rape but I can not see who it was in brief snapshots of my past memories. ugh...

So I am having some trouble trusting that God is going to get me through this healing... That I am going to make it. B/c right now I feel bad. I feel like it is all my fault that I am at this low point and I am not doing the work I need to do to get out of this. I am scared that I am going to ruin my relationship with God and he is going to leave me forever. Yes, I know it says in the bible that he will never leave me or forsake me but my mental illness makes things a little complicated for me. So God has to remind me every day that he is not going to leave and that he loves me.
How sad that is.. God watching me day in and day out scared, sad, crying, angry and wasting a perfectly good day. How long do you think he will let me go on like this before he loses his patience with me? When will I do what I need so I am not scared, angry, lonely, sad and wasteful?

Yes, I am in therapy and soon to be on med's. Why does all of this have to be so hard. When does the rest and peace come in? When we are rock bottom? Wow, just read over my post and I realize how ungrateful I am sounding right about now. God gets me through each day so I really have no right to complain. I guess maybe I am more scared and lonely than I am complaining...

Anyway, thanks for letting me post.... Just some rantings of a lonely person trying to get through another lonely night.

God Bless!

 

[Criada]

My dear sister, please rant all you want to... I know that getting it out and into words does help sometimes.
You ask how long it will be before God loses His patience.... as long as the journey takes you. His patience with us is infinite, sweetie, and He understands all the pain and fear. He won't give up on you.

I am in a similar position, though possible a little further on in my journey.
Meds do help, once you find the right ones. They don't change anything, but they can give you a little space to deal with things, help you to think clearly and learn how to deal with the memories and the pain.

You haven't done anything wrong, sweetie, the feeling that you could escape if you 'do it right' is a lie, and just leads to condemnation. Whatever was done to you, you were a child, unable to stop or prevent it.

I don't know whether your therapist does EMDR, but that has been what helped me most in dealing with the memories and flashbacks... might be worth looking into.

And please remember, though it is scary to look at those hidden memories, it is only once they are out in the open that you can deal with them, and they can lose their power over you.
You will come through this, sweetie. It's a slow, painful journey, but Jesus is walking beside you, and He will carry you when you feel you can't go on. And one day you will be able to enjoy life again

If you need to talk at any time, please PM me. I'm in the UK, so may well be around when it is the middle of the night and you are lonely.
Praying for you, sweetie

 

[alwayswithyou]

i'm here for you if you ever want to talk.

 

[Catherineanne]

Anyway, thanks for letting me post.... Just some rantings of a lonely person trying to get through another lonely night.

God Bless!

I hear what you are saying, 4Rs, and I understand.

One thing I have found useful at night time is a CD player and Miss Marple stories. I play them over and over, and they help stop the flashbacks most of the time (but not always, sadly). I fall asleep listening to the story, and usually miss the end bit with the whodunnit, so I can listen to them again the next night, and still be interested.

It doesn't work when I am very unwell, but it helps most nights. That feeling of desolation that you describe is nothing short of hell, imo.

 

[LaBarre]

Hi The4Rs,

You spoke of God losing patience with you, getting tired of hearing you cry, seeing your anger and fear, etc. The four Gospels tell of Jesus the night before He was to be executed, praying in the garden. He was scared. Terrified. He asked God to "pass this cup" if possible...meaning...get me out of here if there is another way! The verses described Jesus as sweating blood. I Googled that - sweating blood. It really happens. When a person is under such extreme duress, the blood vessels can leak blood, and then the blood comes out through the pores of the skin and it looks like sweating blood.
Now that is fear.

Jesus didn't want to die, or be tortured, humiliated or crucified. He didn't want His friends to abandon Him during His greatest need (the disciples slept and Jesus was alone)

Hopefully, this will help you understand that He understands. He knows how you feel, and why, and He knows being human is not easy. He's got the all the patience needed to walk with you for as long as this process takes.

By the way, in my opinion you don't sound ungrateful. Nobody wants to be in the position you are in - nobody. It's downright brutal at times. You deserve to be screaming at the top of your lungs with outrage at what you have to deal with.

But fight for yourself. Each day and night you make it through is not wasted. Maybe some days you make no progress, some days a little, and some days a lot.....that's how it goes.

I love the idea of having books, (music, etc) to help you through the night (or day). I used to keep old movies like Singing in the Rain playing all night long, even if I turned the volume all the way down to get so me sleep. It was my way of having something safe, positive and happy in my room with me. I also used to use online computer games to keep my mind off things.

Take care of yourself.

LaBarre