Thank you for your prayers. I can't have any peace yet about this because I don't know where she is. I was checking her room at 1:30 and she was breathing very shallow and fast and I was worried she was running out of oxygen, but I thought she'd calm down. But about 15 minutes later I noticed that there was no sound coming out of the room and I found that to be disturbing because she was making noise all day and all night with that odd breathing. So I went in there and I saw that she was not breathing, her eyes looked totally blank, staring off into nothing and her mouth was gaping open, and it was by far the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen. I was in the next room and during that time her spirit had left her body and must have been in my mom's room for awhile before it went who-knows-where. Naturally her spirit could not come to me and say goodbye. I wish I knew for a fact what happened to my mom, how she's doing and if she's sad she had to leave me like that. The funeral home people couldn't come until about 3 hours later, but they did come, but unlike some people who have a peaceful countenance on their face at death, her skin was pale (it was glowing, but in an eerie way), her eyes were wide open as if the last moment of her life was plagued with agony. The frozen look that you'd probably have in your eyes if you thought you saw a ghost or demon, that's the look she had. How can I find peace with this knowing that this was the last expression on her face? What happened when she faced God?
My life feels so empty without her today. She normally sat with me at the table every night while we were eating together and no one is sitting by me now. The hospice people took away the bed, hoyer lift, and food table that were supplied to us in the beginning, which is what was supposed to happen. I have started to declutter her room a lot but there's so much laundry that has ensued from this that I don't want to wash it because her dresser drawers are already stuffed with stuff and I have nowhere to put them. Looks like the hamper is going to remain dirty for awhile. I used to hug her, "sniff" her face, give her kisses and there's no one in my mom's room now, she's gone
As hard as it was to take care of her it feels infinitely worse without her.