Remarriage Question

[dorig59]

Yes, me too! My mother tried to tell me months beforehand that she thought something was amiss, but I trusted him so thoroughly I didn't see it. Awful.

 

[McScribe]

I would like to see pastors, counselors and others speak about remarriage more positively. I don't expect it to be pie in the sky. I think we all get the idea that it will be challenging. For one thing people don't generally react as optimistically, but it's also us. We tend to be wary, we tend to feel ready to be hurt and rejected, we tend to wonder if it's going to work in a way we probably didn't first time around. We feel deep down like maybe we failed. And it's even harder if you add kids in; you hear people without thinking reminding you that they aren't really yours.

So in the midst of this should you care?

I think absolutely. I think that we tend to forget that step families have existed from time past. Jesus had a stepfather! David's most fruitful marriage was NOT his first. We like to imagine that a good biblical family is like something from "Leave it to Beaver" and yet the biblical families of the most godly people included things like:
- rape
- murder
- slavery
- incest
- prostitution
- drunkeness

Not that I'm advocating this, but good heavens, if God can work through all this towards the lineage of Jesus, why in the world should we feel like second class citizens? We should instead be crowing out our belief in God. We should be relieved to be freed of our illusions that marriage is simply an institution that works, and realize that we are children of the Lord and that life is a struggle with hardship and things to fear with GOD on our side in the midst of it all.

 

[Luther073082]

Here is a document on how my church views divorce and remarriage. It is somewhat long and I only read the part at the end about divorced clergy.

The context of the document sounds as if they are talking about clergy that are in the office of the keys while they are undergoing their divorce. However I do belive, although I may be mistaken that someone who is not in the office of the keys and having previously been through a divorce is ineligible for ordination.

http://www.lcms.org/graphics/assets/media/CTCR/Divorce_Remarriage1.pdf

Personally I've known some divorced and re-married Lutherans and I've never experienced them being treated negativly for their past. Beyond of course in the LCMS not allowing them to be ordained. I do know of a divorced LCMS pastor, however his wife abandoned him and it was counted as a scriptural reason for divorce.

The rule is much more loose in more liberal Lutheran churchs like the ELCA. I actually know a divorced ELCA pastor that was divorced before he became pastor. The reason for his divorce was neither adultry or abandonment.

 

[chaz345]

I would like to see pastors, counselors and others speak about remarriage more positively. I don't expect it to be pie in the sky. I think we all get the idea that it will be challenging. For one thing people don't generally react as optimistically, but it's also us. We tend to be wary, we tend to feel ready to be hurt and rejected, we tend to wonder if it's going to work in a way we probably didn't first time around. We feel deep down like maybe we failed. And it's even harder if you add kids in; you hear people without thinking reminding you that they aren't really yours.

So in the midst of this should you care?

I think absolutely. I think that we tend to forget that step families have existed from time past. Jesus had a stepfather! David's most fruitful marriage was NOT his first. We like to imagine that a good biblical family is like something from "Leave it to Beaver" and yet the biblical families of the most godly people included things like:
- rape
- murder
- slavery
- incest
- prostitution
- drunkeness

Not that I'm advocating this, but good heavens, if God can work through all this towards the lineage of Jesus, why in the world should we feel like second class citizens? We should instead be crowing out our belief in God. We should be relieved to be freed of our illusions that marriage is simply an institution that works, and realize that we are children of the Lord and that life is a struggle with hardship and things to fear with GOD on our side in the midst of it all.

Why do you care what people say? Isn't what God says the only thing that matters? If that sounds familiar it should, it's basically what you say when we're talking about how men and manhood is put down by people and by the church.

 

[McScribe]

The big difference is that I encourage men to enjoy and be a vital part of their families, I remind them that scripturally they have a high calling under the Lord. I offer encouragement.

 

[Easyk]

in most places you are spoken too with disdain and treated as an outsider.. something to be shunned.. that is why it is best to keep that part quiet, not hidden just quiet and let God be the judge

 

[dorig59]

I can sure relate to that. I am happy today too, But there are a couple of things that really bounce my mind every now and then. Like you, I do not understand why she threw everything away like that. The other thing that gets me is how very blind I was to the situation that was right in front of me. I just didn't see it.

Oh yeah, been there, done that too. Even my parents were noticing that something was wrong but I sooo didn't see it because I trusted him so much. HA! What a fool I was.

 

[Bob in Shumway]

One way to make a marriage work, is through Christ. Getting remarried, the only answer is through Christ through Him, all things are possible.

I don't care about statistics, all they are is numbers. Numbers can be twisted in anyway, the statistics want them to say. I'm working on the 3rd year of my second marriage. We are both happy because we both trust Christ.

Now what you may not know about me, my first wife was killed. Yes we were happy, and now I use that same principle (trusting in Christ) with my second wife. Learn to trust, and give your problems to God.

Bob
Luke 23:34 Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.

 

[E-beth]

I come from a long line of strong second marriages. In July I will officially been with my second husband longer than I was with the first. My second husband has become everything I ever needed and wanted, and the horrors of my first marriage have made me a stronger person within our marriage.

My Grandfather was a Bataan Death March survivor, a loving and devoted family man, and did much for the Kingdom of God. Yet the Southern Baptist churches he attended never let him become a servant in an official capacity (such as be a deacon or trustee) because he had been divorced. Fifty years prior. It always made him so sad and frustrated that in the church's eyes he was second class and unwelcome to lead. By the way, he died on the eve of his and my Grandma's 50th wedding anniversary.

I am just not sure why some churches or believers or whatever would rather a person be in a loveless, unfaithful, broken marriage as opposed to being divorced and remarried?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

One way to make a marriage work, is through Christ. Getting remarried, the only answer is through Christ through Him, all things are possible.

I don't care about statistics, all they are is numbers. Numbers can be twisted in anyway, the statistics want them to say. I'm working on the 3rd year of my second marriage. We are both happy because we both trust Christ.

Now what you may not know about me, my first wife was killed. Yes we were happy, and now I use that same principle (trusting in Christ) with my second wife. Learn to trust, and give your problems to God.

Bob
Luke 23:34 Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.

The obeying God part is pretty important too! Along with that one needs to understand there are differences between men and women and we need to learn those things to be a better, more understanding spouse.

 

[PROUD2LOVEJESUS]

Don't personalize the statistics. Resolve to be in the group that does have a good outcome. You know what it takes to have a good marriage so just go do it.

The reason that second marriages tend to fail more often is that we're talking about people who didn't either know or didn't do what it takes to have a good marriage the first time, and given the "it's all the other person's fault" mentality that many divorcing people either start with or are pushed into by the divorce process, it's not likely that very many will learn from their mistakes. Some can though.

I so agree! When I was married, I kept the "It's all HIS fault we have a lousy marriage." It wasn't until we divorced that I realized it was both our faults. My ex and I get along much better now that I'm not blaming him for everything. (Imagine that! lol) And, I think it helped my new marriage that I have so little bitterness regarding my prior marriage. I think I finally "grew up" a little.

I think a second marriage can be a chance to explore how much you've changed - but, I think you have to go in it with the attitude "There is no chance of divorce."

 

[BigDaddy4]

I would like to see pastors, counselors and others speak about remarriage more positively. I don't expect it to be pie in the sky. I think we all get the idea that it will be challenging. For one thing people don't generally react as optimistically, but it's also us. We tend to be wary, we tend to feel ready to be hurt and rejected, we tend to wonder if it's going to work in a way we probably didn't first time around. We feel deep down like maybe we failed. And it's even harder if you add kids in; you hear people without thinking reminding you that they aren't really yours.

So in the midst of this should you care?

I think absolutely. I think that we tend to forget that step families have existed from time past. Jesus had a stepfather! David's most fruitful marriage was NOT his first. We like to imagine that a good biblical family is like something from "Leave it to Beaver" and yet the biblical families of the most godly people included things like:
- rape
- murder
- slavery
- incest
- prostitution
- drunkeness

Not that I'm advocating this, but good heavens, if God can work through all this towards the lineage of Jesus, why in the world should we feel like second class citizens? We should instead be crowing out our belief in God. We should be relieved to be freed of our illusions that marriage is simply an institution that works, and realize that we are children of the Lord and that life is a struggle with hardship and things to fear with GOD on our side in the midst of it all.

 

[BigDaddy4]

I come from a long line of strong second marriages. In July I will officially been with my second husband longer than I was with the first. My second husband has become everything I ever needed and wanted, and the horrors of my first marriage have made me a stronger person within our marriage.

My Grandfather was a Bataan Death March survivor, a loving and devoted family man, and did much for the Kingdom of God. Yet the Southern Baptist churches he attended never let him become a servant in an official capacity (such as be a deacon or trustee) because he had been divorced. Fifty years prior. It always made him so sad and frustrated that in the church's eyes he was second class and unwelcome to lead. By the way, he died on the eve of his and my Grandma's 50th wedding anniversary.

I am just not sure why some churches or believers or whatever would rather a person be in a loveless, unfaithful, broken marriage as opposed to being divorced and remarried?

I've never understood why churches have these kinds of rules. I had a Catholic friend who was divorced and wanted to remarry, but since they don't recognize divorce, she and her hubby had to get married in a different church.

Whatever happened to God's grace??

I'm a divorced and remarried Elder in the Presbyterian church, married to an ex-Mormon on her third marriage. Even if statistics say 99% of 2nd or 3rd marriages will fail, I want to be in the 1%. Someone has to be, right?

Someday, I hope to preach or teach on marriage and remarriage and how to make it work. Right now, though, I'm just trying to survive on the battlefied, going through the learning process myself.

 

[janman345]

I've never understood why churches have these kinds of rules. I had a Catholic friend who was divorced and wanted to remarry, but since they don't recognize divorce, she and her hubby had to get married in a different church.

Whatever happened to God's grace??

I'm a divorced and remarried Elder in the Presbyterian church, married to an ex-Mormon on her third marriage. Even if statistics say 99% of 2nd or 3rd marriages will fail, I want to be in the 1%. Someone has to be, right?

Someday, I hope to preach or teach on marriage and remarriage and how to make it work. Right now, though, I'm just trying to survive on the battlefied, going through the learning process myself.

Churches like the catholic church and others dont really believe in grace when it comes to sexual issues. Its all about control, its better in their eyes to suffer and die in a crumby marriage than to divorce and remarry, anyone who thinks thats Gods intentions for our lives I feel sorry for.

 

[Ivy]

I don't think that's really true. I know a number of divorced, and also remarried, Catholics.

A lot of people don't take the hardline positions on this all that deathly seriously. Some people quote the more traditional stance on it, of course, if asked....and other people just ignore that and quietly take the grace route.

 

[janman345]

I don't think that's really true. I know a number of divorced, and also remarried, Catholics.

A lot of people don't take the hardline positions on this all that deathly seriously. Some people quote the more traditional stance on it, of course, if asked....and other people just ignore that and quietly take the grace route.

In order to be married in the catholic church your previous marriage has to be annuled and from what I understand that is an extremely onerous process that involves tracking down your ex, interviews, etc etc. Its sad that grace has to be given quietly in the back ground and that its not the offical church position.

 

[actionsub]

I've never understood why churches have these kinds of rules. I had a Catholic friend who was divorced and wanted to remarry, but since they don't recognize divorce, she and her hubby had to get married in a different church.

Whatever happened to God's grace??

I'm a divorced and remarried Elder in the Presbyterian church, married to an ex-Mormon on her third marriage. Even if statistics say 99% of 2nd or 3rd marriages will fail, I want to be in the 1%. Someone has to be, right?

Someday, I hope to preach or teach on marriage and remarriage and how to make it work. Right now, though, I'm just trying to survive on the battlefied, going through the learning process myself.

What's really freaky since I met the woman who will become my second wife in four days from today, a number of folks have begun dropping hints that I might make pastor material. Ironically, the same day I began dating this woman, I began attending another church. I came to find out during a premarital counseling session that my pastor is a divorcee. She (my pastor) said "Well technically since my ex-husband had died, I'm really a widow now, but..."

Anyway, my wife to be and I are looking at this by saying that we want to be in the 1%. What's past is past, we can only work on the future.

 

[Kings daughter]

Does anyone but me get sick and tired of hearing about the statistics, being offered in such a solemn way? Like being told that a second marriage has a poorer chance, that it is all simply awful? It's very discouraging. In fact it seems like there's almost nothing out there encouraging you to try and do well.

Well I have a brilliant second marriage of 7 years and it is all that I could have wanted. I always prayed that I would marry again, and after 6 years alone God found me an amazing husband.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Statistics Lie or rather are open to interpertaion: EXAMPLES

Remarriage and divorce

The divorce rate following re-marriage is higher than that for the first marriage. A 2002 study by the National Center for Health Statistics (part of the CDC in the USA) collected information on the failure of second marriages.
Age and failure of second marriages

The failure of a second marriage is more likely for women under age 25 at remarriage (47%) than for women at least age 25 at remarriage ( 34%). This difference is slightly larger among white women.
Stressful events in the past may impact the stability of remarriages

Parental divorce

The probability of second marriage disruption is higher for women who did not grow up in a two-parent family (49%) than for women who did (33%).
Forced intercourse

Women who have ever been forced to have intercourse are more likely to experience second marriage disruption. The probability of second marriage disruption is about 25% higher for all women who have ever been forced to have intercourse, and even higher among white women (33%)

The above are figures gathered but look at the groups, contributing factors and percentages. In many ways these are LOWER than 1st marriages. Ther average divorce rate for 1st marriages is aprox 50%. That's one of every two, counting christian and secular marriage-no signficant difference.

The 2nd marriage statistics vary greatly depending on past experiences. Youth, whether or not children are involved, race, culture and rape (forced^).

People have all manner of experiences with all types of situations-the question is Did you learn from the 1st experience. If so your chance of success with the next expierence is Great, if not you are doomed to have history repeat itself.

It IS that simple. We all know what it takes to have a clean house..the question is are Is a clean house important to you (to some it simply is not) and are you willing to make a committment to do the work. Many people want clean houses but are to lazy to sweep the floors. The same is true of marriage. We all know what it takes, but are you willing and will you work at it? Part of the work is in selecting a suitable spouse? By suitable I mean for you. Two good people do not a marriage make you must be compatible and complimentary just like colors on the wheel. Some do not match and others go together very well. Choose wisely, commit and honor your vows. Trust is the most important thing in the marriage relationship-find that and you will find success!

 

[brojeff]

Mike, marriage in it self is hard work. Remarriage carries with it baggage that is sometimes difficult to carry. Been there done that. I've been remarried for almost 20 years; what a blessing God has made it. Does God hate divorce? Yes, but not the one who is divorced. He hates divorce because of what it does to the people that he loves. I'm trying to share with as many people as I can about God's grace and His desire to restore His children even when they have been divorced. Go if you can to my blog; marriedagainforever.com and find encouragement and ask detailed questions you may have.