Relationships and Age Gaps

[californiadreamin]

I don't think you should worry about a problem of age difference as long as the 2 people involved in the relationship is ok with it.
But it is a different matter when your talking about a child and an adult.
It's different when she is 18 and an adult.

 

[justjan]

oreos,

Wisdom comes from God. It is a gift. We are told to seek after it and that God will grant it. I pray that you are pursuing wisdom with the same level of persistence that you have directed toward this relationship. It is why some young people have wisdom beyond their age. Wisdom is NOT the same thing as maturity.
I would like to see your cite challengingt my statement about frontal lobe development coming later (late teens and early twenties).

As a Christian we are supposed to live upright and holy lives. We are to avoid even the appearance of impropriety. God has placed you on this planet in an age where the social norm is STRONGLY against you pursuing a relationship with a child. Your questioning social norms over this is not relevant. This would be the same as bemoaning the fact that women in this country are no longer treated as chattel. No matter what your motives or intentions are it looks wrong.

Your posts are all about what you want. Not what is best. Not what is best for her. Not what does her family want for her. As a mom to a 14 year old I would be concerned about a 24 year old guy on a number of levels, not just physical. I want you to understand completely, that if I found out that you were thinking about a relationship with my 14 year old daughter I would convince you with whatever means necessary that it isn't worth the hassle for you. If I was unsuccessful I would definitely contact your church and ask that they deal with you. If that did not work I would absolutely contact your family and ask them to deal with you. If that did not work I would seek legal action.

I am not sure that you truly understand that no responsible parent would do less for their 14 year old girl. She is a girl!!! She is not a woman. I don't care how she acts around you or what she looks like. She can barely figure out how to manage her friendships, she cannot handle a relationship with a guy. She ABSOLUTELY cannot handle a guy who is 10 years her senior.

I strongly urge you to make an appointment to sit down and talk to your pastor about this situation.

I shall be praying for you.

 

[oreos]

californiadreamin, thanks. I have been considering that and I will remain a friend with her till then.

As a Christian we are supposed to live upright and holy lives. We are to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.

I understand where you are coming from. Not wishing to be contrary but to put it in brief, no where does the Bible say that. Rather, that comes from an oft-misunderstood Bible quote. Please feel free to quote which Bible verse you are referring to.

As for frontal lobe development coming later, I think that's not so much the main issue as is the scientific dubiosity that long term decisions come together with it. Please feel free to cite that article by the way as I have read a slightly different variant of that.

Lastly, as to assuming that this is all about what I want, this is not so. This is something that will be unresolved as to determining the integrity of a person's character. It is absurd when a person claims to the rights of judging another person, and for the commonsensical reasons that only God knows what is in our hearts and mind, so it would be going out on a limb there to claim to have perfect knowledge like God of someone's motives, actions and personality.

 

[justjan]

californiadreamin, thanks. I have been considering that and I will remain a friend with her till then.

I understand where you are coming from. Not wishing to be contrary but to put it in brief, no where does the Bible say that. Rather, that comes from an oft-misunderstood Bible quote.

As for frontal lobe development coming later, I think that's not so much the main issue as is the scientific dubiosity that long term decisions come together with it. Please feel free to cite that article by the way as I have read a slightly different variant of that.

Lastly, as to assuming that this is all about what I want, this is not so. This is something that will be unresolved as to determining the integrity of a person's character. It is absurd when a person claims to the rights of judging another person, and for the commonsensical reasons that only God knows what is in our hearts and mind, so it would be going out on a limb there to claim to have perfect knowledge like God of someone's motives, actions and personality.

It is irrational and immature to continue to argue for imprudent action when many people have given you reasons why it isn't in this girl's best interest to be in a relationship with you. It is irrational to continue to argue for this relationship when there are serious legal implications for you.

When one argues in favor of carrying out an action that is not in the interest of someone else who is younger and more vulnerable it is safe to assume that there are selfish motives involved.

 

[oreos]

I am likely to say the same of continuing this unfruitful discussion with one person, particularly when I have been patient enough to hear one's points out.

Come down to it, majority isn't an indicator of what's right and wrong but the Bible is and what one's conscience says is.

It is especially interesting to note that when one's points have failed to stand reasonably, one resorts to labelling people all sorts of things and passing blanket statements on things and others such as myself.

Anyhow, I thank those relatively few for their constructive inputs.

 

[imawebmonkey]

When I was 14 and had interest in older men, it didn't have anything to do with love. I was looking for a way to rebel against my parents. Give this young lady time to grow up, at least four or five years, before getting involved in any kind of relationship.

 

[justjan]

I am likely to say the same of continuing this unfruitful discussion with one person, particularly when I have been patient enough to hear one's points out.

Come down to it, majority isn't an indicator of what's right and wrong but the Bible is and what one's conscience says is.

It is especially interesting to note that when one's points have failed to stand reasonably, one resorts to labelling people all sorts of things and passing blanket statements on things and others such as myself.

Anyhow, I thank those relatively few for their constructive inputs.

I think that my point that any reasonably good parent of a 14 year old girl would not care to risk finding out what your intentions are and would use any means necessary to disuade you from being interested in their daughter ought to have been enough for you to see the wisdom in leaving this child alone.

You are far more interested in proving your "good intentions" by continuing to pursue this than you are willing to just admit it isn't right no matter what your intentions are.

It is your testimony that will absolutely be destroyed if you go forward in pursuing this child. You can debate what your intentions are, you can debate her ability to reciprocate, you can debate the social norms of the day. There is no debate over how parents like me will react to a guy who is 24 spending any significant amount of time with a 14 year old girl.

If you were to pursue this girl and then see that it wasn't the right thing, have you given any thought to how you would explain your interest in a child to the next woman you may date who isn't a minor?

I always try to be gentle with people and usually when they don't get it I walk away, but you are flirting with predatory behavior and that is just unacceptable.

 

[ArohaB]

Well I don't need to say how wrong it will be for you to pursue a relationship since there's nothing more I could add to what is already here.

However, what I do want to talk to you about is, you...,
You say you've been through harrowing experiences and I am thinking that this means you haven't always been treated with love and respect from others.
I would think that your fascination (love as you put it) with forming a relationship with a child may come from unresolved pain within yourself.
It may be too painful for you to form a mature relationship with a person of your own age due to hidden fears of some sort, whether that be rejection, abuse, etc... (I do not know your background circumstances).
I sincerely believe you when you say your intentions with her are not about lust and the like. But you are still making excuses as to why it's ok for you to be with her, rather than asking yourself, why you would even want to be in a mature relationship with a child.
Maybe it's not only that she is mature but maybe you have a hint of immaturity that blinds you to think that this is a right thing for you both.
As she gets older, she may resent having someone who needs her so much, she may well become a very independant young lady, and where would that leave you? Possibly more hurt and resentful.
I do not say this to you with any mean or hurtful intention, I am just throwing light from a different angle, considering you have put yourself in a position to be scrutinized.
Good luck to you in your future. Please seriously consider reconsidering....

ps. When I was 14 I was very mature and a 24 year old very seriously liked me. I still think he's weird to this day and he's had about 3 marriages since and kids here and there. Not saying that this will happen to you, just relaying my own experience.

 

[Quendo]

hmmmm...
I am also finding that I am getting feelings for someone who is younger than me. Not as much as 10 yrs tho. I know this girl fairly well, and her father is well my Christian Mentor. But the fact is that I will not pursue a relationship with her. Above all i want to Honor God and live for him, and I believe that in order to do that I need to trust him with these feelings that have been arising and he will help me through them.
(prob good to hear that someone is sorta in the same boat as you.)
This person to me is very special, she is growing up to be a strong girl/woman for God and I pray for her. She is so kind to people, and i am really interested in her personality. But the best thing i can do is be a friend to her and wait until she grows up before even hinting that I like her.
I dont see things really happening untill she turns 18.. so untill then i will keep her in my prayers and hope she will be happy wherever she is when she becomes an Adult!

 

[jluvjesus4ever]

my former youth pastor (who moved away, that's why he's not my youth pastor not because of this) has a 12 year gap between he and his wife. When she was in his youth group he liked her but waited until she was of age and talked to her parents about it as well (as is respectful) before even bringing up the subject. so at this point she is too young for you and you should just hold off. if it's God's will, it will come to pass when the legal age for you to date her is there. he won't go outside of our legality on things like this because if He did, he'd be contradicting himself where he says to submit to authority and that won't happen cause "every word of God is flawless"

 

[Heiroglyph]

If you live in Canada then her age is perfectly legal so you have no worries there.

 

[fishstix]

If you live in Canada then her age is perfectly legal so you have no worries there.

Legal for another 14 year old, yes. Legal for a 24 year old though? I wouldn't be so sure about that.

 

[Heiroglyph]

Well I am sure about it. Unless the laws have changed since the other day.
If you have any new info please provide it !

 

[ArohaB]

Well I am sure about it. Unless the laws have changed since the other day.
If you have any new info please provide it !

Well its legal to be a prositute in some countries, but just cos it's legal doesn't mean it's right for a Christian to go and do it. Obviously wisdom is called for in this mans circumstances.

 

[Harlan Norris]

Hi,

I am twenty four and I am falling for a girl who is ten years younger than me. I am wondering if the Bible has anything to say regarding the issue of love, and specifically that between two people of a ten-year age gap.

After much thought and discussion with a few people, I seem to get the general idea that there are many people who would frown upon a relationship with such an age gap, because of the general distrust and suspicions that one would have of the older person and his intentions in such a relationship.

Having said that, I can sufficiently say that my intentions are that of someone who is on the verge of falling for her (and perhaps quite so already on the way down the valley of love).

Are there any other things that I should be concerned with with regards to considering the possibility of such a relationship?

One question I've been asked frequently is what do I see in her. I've often find it hard to describe the things about a girl that makes me love her. But I think partially it helps that we share similar outlooks in life, and opinions on core issues, such as religion. Also, she's incredibly bright and witty, and we understand each other's nuances. And she has that desire and interest to know a little bit about everything, much like myself.

If anything, I am more knowledgeable on how I feel about her. And that is, I would want to get to know her as much as I can even more, wanting to take care of her and be there for her when she is down and out. Be there to guide her if I feel she might be going down the wrong road. Revel in that emotional closeness, where we can share our ups and downs with each other. To give in to her if she should have flaws and try and compensate for those flaws by being more understanding.

Some people have said that the difference in maturity would be an obstacle and I understand how that's true with regards to coping with say, relationship arguments.

Apart from that, it is hard for me to see how someone from a similar maturity level, having experienced similar things would attract me more. I do not feel more attracted to a person more just because they have went to college, or because they went thru similar harrowing experiences as I did.

Firstly because I personally feel that similarity in experiences do not necessarily result in the same mature, wise choices, or in other words do not bring about wisdom in everybody. I've known older people who are rather foolish and younger people who continually surprise me with their pearls of wisdom that we've been blinded to.

Secondly I think for me and for others, it might be a misguided notion to say that maturity is an attractive factor. For me, it's the personality and belief systems that attracts me.

I may be wrong but I believe where maturity fails, it is our belief systems that comes to our rescue. In that sense, I feel that maturity is merely a reaffirmation of our beliefs that is shaped from our parents as well as from the Bible.

Lastly, I feel that perhaps sometimes the issue of maturity may be brought up as a result of the sense of uneasiness and perplexity that arises from not being able to understand how an older person can fall for a much younger person. Having said that, I wonder if we can ever truly understand in other cases, why those couples fell for each other, what is it that they see in each other.

I am only your average guy on the block so I may have missed out on some pearls of wisdom that the Bible may has with regards to relationships and wide age gaps specifically. As far as I know, I don't know of any but would be grateful to hear if there is, and well even if it is not from the Bible, it would still be good to hear your thoughts on this.

Look you'r 24. That means your girlfriend is what 14? If I found some 24 year old sniffin my 14 year old daughters leg, I'd send him packin. Whats wrong with women your own age? If I knew who she was I'd tell her dad.

 

[blackrose]

Hey there Oreos

I just wanted to give you my two cents…from experience. I am 15 and a 22 year old guy fell for me and I fell for him. I was 14 when he told me how he felt. I never told him how I felt though for a few reasons. One reason is because he isn’t a Christian which makes the circumstances different. But I also knew that if I did tell him then it would make things very difficult and hard. You have to think about what it would be like to be able to tell people about what is going on between the both of you. Because if you can’t then it will cause problems. To make it short I had my heart broken and don’t want to see that happen to you or her.

I am not trying to say that I went through the same thing that you are or that the same thing is going to happen, but I think that taking action on you feelings might not be the best thing to do right now. Maybe in a few years though? Even though I still love him…I feel like now I need to get over him, but I can’t seem to be able to do that. Even though I bet that you have looked at it from her point of view, maybe you should again because there may be something there that can change everything but she hasn’t told you.

Please feel free to talk to me anytime

Follow your heart and ask God and he will lead you in the right path

 

[yellowmongoose]

Look mate. Just wait 4/5 years till shes grown up a bit. She may seem mature but the question is when do you see her? I'd assume you'd see her at church only. So you don't know how she acts at school or at home. It will probably be not as mature as you think. However that's not actually the main reason to wait (because a lot of older people aren't that mature lol!)

If you go out with this girl you're gonna get the same reaction as throwing a match into a gas filled room. Plus I very much doubt her parents are going to like it which is just gonna cause hassel for her let alone you! Thats the main thing. Like many of said, if you do love her then think about her and how it might affect her.

Like I said I suggest you wait. While you are waiting get to know her AND her parents. If you build up the relationship with her parents then they may be alright with you going out with her later on see. If it's God's will it will happen but you have to do things on God's terms to God's timetable.

Hope that helps and I think you were very brave coming on here and asking it considering the subject.

 

[happywiththelord]

i have to say that me and my spouse are 12 years apart. we were 20 and 32 when we met. dated 2 years and married. we just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary this august. so i understand the difficulties in age gaps. but with all do respect, please, heed the counsel of the people here when they say your age gap is not acceptable. she IS just a child. give her a chance to experience life and be a "kid". she doesnt need to be thinking of love and all that is goes with right now. she should be into roller skating with her friends and shopping and stuff like that. i would recommend looking for someone who is at least 18. thats my two cents.

 

[mysparrow]

24 and 14? What do you think her parents are going to say about that? And at 14, her parents' opinion certainly does count. Saying that many people would frown on a relationship with that age gap is an understatement. Almost everybody around you would likely be absolutely appalled by the fact that a fully grown man would be dating a child. Regardless of whether you have sex with her or not, you are treading on dangerous ground legally. There are a lot of activities short of sex that could get you in legal trouble. Especially if you are ever in a position of authority over her, such as a youth group leader or something like that. Even if you don't break any laws, it doesn't make it a wise decision. She is a child compared to you. Let her grow up before you entertain thoughts of dating her.

Think about what this would be like from her perspective. At 14, even someone who is just 16 or 18 seems really old. At 24, from a 14 year old perspective, you might as well be her dad. You could really do damage to her by bringing her into a dating relationship with you. Think about what you would be teaching her - among other things that it's ok to totally disregard what one's parents say. You say that you have been through 'harrowing experiences' and that you want to 'share ups and downs with each other'. She's 14 - she's almost certainly not ready to handle sharing the ups and downs that a 24 year old may go through. Especially not things that you would consider to be harrowing experiences. She may think that she is, but do you really think that it would be a good thing for her? Let her be an adolescent - don't make her grow old before her time. Consider what it would be like if the relationship doesn't work out and you break up. She'll likely have a stigma attached to her at school - her peers will think of her as the girl who dates old men. After dating one 24 year old, what's she going to go for next? Perhaps she'll naively choose another 24 year old who doesn't have motives as pure as yours.

If you really love her, think of her, not just of you. Let her grow up; let her be 14. Don't push her into the world of a 24 year old. Even if she likes you back, you're the adult and you need to make a decision that will be best for her - don't date her until she's grown up.

Words of wisdom there fish, Words of wisdom. Amen and i agree .

 

[mommiefrog]

I agree with everyone else. Wait until she is 18. She is only a child. If she was of age then there would be no problem . I am 13 years younger than my husband but I would not have ever, not in a million years, considered being with someone that much older than me when I was a teen.

If you truly have feelings for her than wait. Let her be a kid and grow up.