Relationship Pacing

[tinkerbell]

This is a question that my boyfriend and I struggle with, and I have a feeling it's something that all couples struggle with to some extent, and I was just wondering what you guys have to say about all of it. The quesiton is this: How do you know how to appropriately pace a relationship (physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally etc) and how do you know if you're where you should be at the stage you are at in the relationship? I'd really like to know what you all have to say. (And yes, I'm expecting a ton of differing answers )

 

[looksgood]

I personaly think that the right "pace" is the one that causes you to grow together. I don't personaly see a problem with growing fast.

 

[tinkerbell]

I don't think anyone here has the right to judge anyone else's relationship as going too fast or too slow or ill-paced, because no one but you, he, and God, will be able to know for certain what is right for both of you in your lives. Advice is fleeting on this matter really and completely subjective, almost making it useless to you. It is a very personal matter You will learn the answers to your questions best in your own time.

I know that it is something personal between me, God and him, just as you have stated. It is something that we have prayed about, talked to a lot of people about, and ultamitly decided that the only one who knows the answer is God, so we look to him. However, I was just curious as to how other people decided such things for their relationship, and what some of the approaches to this issue are. Thank you so much for your helpful reply!! I really appreciate it!

 

[Johnnz]

It is important to be practical. If marriage is way over the horizon go slowly. That can be hard now, but it will make it a lot easier later on.

John
NZ

 

[EmSchmem]

My husband and I took things slow. Well slow by our church's standards. We dated for exactly one year before he proposed. Then we had a short engagement. As far as throwing in the L word and putting anything physical in the relationship at all we were very careful. He didn't say he loved me for almost 10 months. We kissed a little earlier that I'd have though we should have but it worked out. We didn't hold hands for the first couple months, but arms around each other or any of that for the first couple months. We only went on one date every other week but we also say each other at church stuff all the time. If we had dated anymore often we would have been together ALL the time. Once we got closer to getting engaged and then when we were engaged we spent alot more time together. We also made sure we were praying, not just for our relationship, but praying in general, for our friends for what was going on in the world, just stuff you pray for.

 

[invisiblebabe]

My opinion, and the way I've learned to do things (nothing more, nothing less, and based on plenty of experience ):

Praying together should not be done until I've been with the guy exclusively for several months and we are committed to pursuing marriage.

Nothing beyond innocent kissing should be done before marriage... and I would say the first kiss should ideally happen at engagement.

Emotionally is a trickier one, I admit... I can't say I have any set opinions on this other than don't pour all your innermost feelings out before you are committed.

 

[EmSchmem]

For the most part in my church dating IS pursuing marriage.

 

[Amanda-Soo]

Wow, tinkerbell that is a really good question. I think a lot of people struggle for an answer to that question. I personally try to go with what I feel is right. I listen to my conscience a lot. I also try to pay close attention to how my boyfriend reacts to the things I do or say. I try my best to keep things paced reasonably, but sometimes I find us going too fast. And sometimes I feel myself wanting things to go faster. But all in all I'm pretty happy with the pace.

 

[invisiblebabe]

For the most part in my church dating IS pursuing marriage.

Hmmm yeah I see what ya mean.... but I was talking more along the lines of an exclusive commitment AND both individuals are quite sure that yes, marriage is an eventual likelihood. Being more "sure" about it is what i was getting at, not just "Oh, I want to see if we could potentially marry," but moreso, "Yes, I'm quite sure we will marry."


Oh! As far as saying certain words... love had better wait 'til that stage I was mentioning... 'til the people are SURE it's forever. For some this may not be 'til engagement; for others this may be slightly sooner... I hate to set absolute time standards, but for me anyway I would say it'd be exclusively seeing a guy for at least three or four months.

 

[EmSchmem]

Hmmm yeah I see what ya mean.... but I was talking more along the lines of an exclusive commitment AND both individuals are quite sure that yes, marriage is an eventual likelihood. Being more "sure" about it is what i was getting at, not just "Oh, I want to see if we could potentially marry," but moreso, "Yes, I'm quite sure we will marry."


Oh! As far as saying certain words... love had better wait 'til that stage I was mentioning... 'til the people are SURE it's forever. For some this may not be 'til engagement; for others this may be slightly sooner... I hate to set absolute time standards, but for me anyway I would say it'd be exclusively seeing a guy for at least three or four months.

That's exactly what it means...

 

[EmSchmem]

People in my church don't fool around with dating. We might hang out with someone and get to know them some before we start dating but if we are dating it is with the full intention to marry. That being said it is a bit silly to prohibit any two people praying together. If they don't pray together they aren't going to have very good guidance on where to head next.

 

[plum]

I don't see how there can be a quantified scale for dating/courtship. It just doesn't work that way as I've seen it.

My honey and I slipped into courtship kind of by accident. But once we got there it was pretty quick growth. We've only been together for a few months and we're already seriously talking about getting married. It works differently for different types of people. My SO and I are very intense individuals. When we know something is good and we are passionate about it, we basically hit it 100%. God knows this about us, and so has given us the "go ahead" to be that way in this relationship with his guidance. God is the key. If you seek after his righteousness and his leadership, he won't lead you wrong. Period.

 

[Iffy]

Of course everyone is different. But I agree with the poster who said, if marriage is far from the horizon, go slowly. I think your question was dealing with the practical side of it and that poster put it well.

James Dobson has this booklet called 'Love for a Lifetime' or something like that where he quotes a secular psychologist on the different steps to take in dating, they help in the 'Bonding' process. His theory is, that physical intimacy must progress slowly for the 'glue' in the bond to dry and seal. I think emotional intimacy is analogous to that as well. It would be wise to pace relationship slowly... so as to establish a stable foundation. In my experience, when I am so phsyically attracted to the guy, I am tempted to go faster .. I believe friendship constitutes the foundation. Feelings of attraction /'falling in love' can very well cloud your thinking and cause you to plunge headlong into the relationship, moving it faster than is wise.

My boyfriend and I live opposite each other in the same townhouse complex. He moved to his unite a few months ago. Initially I was overjoyed at the 'specialness' of our close physical proximity. Able to see each other at various times of the day...early morning..brekfast and devotion together, after his work...late night walk...
etc etc. I now tthink that our closeness physically... caused us to move faster in our relationship. And I learn from this, to think that eventhough he was someone I thought I could marry when we started, it is very wise to go slow - not as in be overly cautious..but to be wise.

God bless and hope this helped.