Relationship Issue.

[feral]

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder quite a while back. Things are pretty much under control now. My self-injury has all but stopped, I'm able to keep my temper and rationalize both sides to nearly any situation, so I don't see the world in black and white quite so often. I'm less impulsive, don't take off on impromptu trips or drops loads of money on shopping sprees I can't afford. Life is good.

However there is still one issue I'm having some trouble with. It's my relationship with my best friend. Now, I have achieved a pretty good balance with the other people in my life. They can do their own thing and I'm fine with distance between us and even don't mind if they have to cancel plans. I don't get that horrid "I'm being abandoned!" feeling with them. I do get it with him. Also, I recognize that I try to create an emotional response in him through a lot of different means. I don't do the overdramatic faux suicide threats, which was something I used to do to him and some other friends for attention, but I'll pick a fight with him over a minor issue, hang up on him during a phone call when he hasn't said anything offensive, or do something I know will bother him so he'll argue with me. When he's passionate about something to do with me, I feel like he cares about me. He's got issues of his own and also knows me very well from many years experience, so sometimes he won't bite, and that drives me absolutely nuts even though I know I'm the one playing the game trying to get him to react.

My question - do you deal with this at all in your own lives? How do I stop? I have gotten much better at it. I can keep my temper very nicely and find more appropriate ways to react much of the time. When I'm truly upset with him, I handle it in a very acceptable way. But once in a while, feeling perfectly happy and giddy, I'll start yelling at him or creating drama for attention and just to have a bit of chaos to 'get me out of my head' if you will. I'll also look for those excuses to get him to react to me and give me attention when I'm feeling abandoned, which isn't very often now but enough to bother me. What do you think I should do? I know you can only offer advice, that's all I'm looking for. After a few years on my own I'm planning to return to therapy soon, but I'd like to hear from anyone whose experienced this behaviour in themselves. Thanks so much in advance.

 

[ZiSunka]

People with BPD like a little chaos in their lives. You pick these fights so you can have that chaos. When you start to realize that the chaos isn't serving you well, you will stop.

Think about how much it would hurt you if your friend picked fights with you for no reason. Think about how it would damage your relationship and trust. If you don't like that feeling, just remember it whenever you feel like fighting.

 

[Erica81]

I am BPD and Ialso have the same isue with my best friend. The BPD books that I have read said that high functioning sufferers of BPD often lash out at the ones closest to them. Considering that most people with BPD had horrible childhoods with parents that were supposed to be the closest to them, it would make sense why we would choose our best friend to keep that chaos going.

My sistuation is a little bit different than yours, particularly because my best friend actually likes this about me. (strange) He likes the fireball in me and due to the fact that hes a lawyer, probably likes the fact that I am a challenge to figure out. He knows about my sickness and he has adapted accordingly. I'm sure your best friend will learn his own defense mechanisms. I really think that while we can heal significantly from our diagnosis, I don't think it fully ever will be gone. I personally believe that we will always be emotional people, its just a matter of learning how to control those emotions that disrupt our lives.

Keep praying for wisdom and that God will mold you into the Christ-like image we are supposed to be.

Erica

 

[ZiSunka]

Considering that most people with BPD had horrible childhoods with parents that were supposed to be the closest to them, it would make sense why we would choose our best friend to keep that chaos going.

This is a good observation. BPD isn't just born out of an abusive childhood, but a childhood that is emotionally chaotic.

Children whose parents beat them but loved them grow up without BPD, it's children whose parents were over emotional or who had gigantic mood swings that kept the whole family in turmoil that grow up to have BPD. So they maintain the chaos with the people they love because they think that's how you are supposed to be with your loved ones. People with BPD often have grown up in a family where one or both parents were bipolar.

I think for some people, recognizing that they are repeating the chaotic behavior they grew up with helps them defeat the behavior. It's like if you grew up with parents who constantly picked their noses, you grew up thinking that it's okay to pick your nose among family members. It's only when you start to see that picking your nose is icky that you can stop doing it.

So when we realize we are playing out our parents' choatic and raging behavior, we can stop ourselves from doing it.

I know if our family, my parents only really showed love for each other and for us when they were making up after a fight. Then we were suddenly a close and affectionate family--for a few days. So it makes sense that we would keep creating chaos so we could make up and be close later.

I was reading a thread over in the courting couples forum where the poster said she and her BF weren't really emotionally close until they had their first fight, and now that they have fought and made up, they are so in love with each other, they are ready to get married. I worry that this is what people think is the normal way to get close to someone...fight and make up, fight and make up, fight and make up.

 

[feral]

it's children whose parents were over emotional or who had gigantic mood swings that kept the whole family in turmoil that grow up to have BPD

Oh yes, that describes my family to a T! I know my parents tried their hardest to give me a good childhood - I went to good schools, had lots of toys and books, they spent plenty of time with me and stuff, but home was chaotic. My mom claims not to be very emotional, and isn't when it comes to crying or being demonstrative about her feelings, like lovey or wanting to give hugs or something, but she's got a heck of a temper and it can get set off really easily. My dad is very emotional, sensitve, etc. They fought all the time, never violently, but with lots of screaming, yelling, insults, threats. My mom took off a lot or locked herself in her room, saying she didn't want anybody and pushing me away. I'm a lot like her to a degree, so much so that I sometimes wonder if she has BPD. I'll want to be close then drive people out of my life, I've got the temper, pick the fights, all of it. You could never 'read' my mom. Something she'd ignored the previous day would set her off another day. Really chaotic and lots of ups and downs. I remember friends when I was little talking about how, on the rare occasions their parents fought, it frightened them. I was never scared of my parents fighting. By the time I was 12 I knew to pit them against each other because when they fought they didn't pay attention to what I did, and I could stay out late or go to a friend's house when I was grounded, etc.

I'm sure your best friend will learn his own defense mechanisms.

We've been friends for almost 10 years now, so he's definitely learned how to handle things. He used to stay and fight, and because of his own issues (bipolar and a lot of emotional trauma in his past) things would accelerate and end up much worse. Now he handles it much better. Unless he's not feeling well himself, it doesn't escalate too far. If I'm arguing about something valid he'll talk it over with me until I can calm down and if it's not valid, he'll say something along the lines of "you're doing it again, I'm not dealing with you like this right now, go yell at someone else". Which makes me angry for a few minutes but if he holds his ground and doesn't let me pick a fight, helps me stop. He's learned not to take it very personally now.

 

[Antari]

Well, that's the tough part of BPD. When you finally get better, you realize that it's never gone. The symptoms will be with us forever, but we can numb them and make them less intense, just as you have.

I'm proud of those like you, who have shown themselves to be strong enough to fight this.