Relationship doubts

[mjcecomc]

Hi,

I've been going out with my girlfriend for a while now. I am starting to have a lot of doubts about how she deals with problems. She just can't seem to face up to anything and deal with problems very badly. she doesn't like talking about stuff, and her first inclination is to run away.

There are a couple of recent examples. She has just had to move house at short notice. You'd think its the end of the world. She also has huge problems with her ex boyfriend. he goes to the same church but everytime she sees him she gets so angry and upset. They broke up over a year ago. She refuses to go to any events if hes going to be there!

Its like this with everything. I've seen her with her parents and her sister recently. she just retreats into this little girl who is happy for them to tell her exactly to do.

My feeling is she needs to grow up. She has lead quite a sheltered life, she didn't move out of home until well into her 20's. It worries me because everytime there is a problem, its a real battle to get through it. how are going to cope as a couple when we come up against serious probs. I'm not sure if i can see this relationship going anywhere, i think this issue is really going to annoy me in the future?

 

[Timeo]

I know what you mean, my girlfriend is like that too, never speaks about feelings and do not face any problems, so its almost impossible to know what she feels about things. She too has lived very sheltered, first at home, then at her grandparents. A very cute and kind girl, but I too have it hard to see how the relationship can really evolve when we as a couple can't really talk to each other.

But if this is your only issue I say you should work on it. If she have it hard to deal with problems and feeling, then try to help her with it. After all you are the man and should be the strong one.

 

[Bootstrap]

I've been going out with my girlfriend for a while now. I am starting to have a lot of doubts about how she deals with problems. She just can't seem to face up to anything and deal with problems very badly. she doesn't like talking about stuff, and her first inclination is to run away.

To me, one of the most important things to look for in a partner is character. You want someone whose character calls you on, teaches you, and sets a good example. I'd hate to go through life trying to drag along someone whose character I did not respect.

My feeling is she needs to grow up. She has lead quite a sheltered life, she didn't move out of home until well into her 20's. It worries me because everytime there is a problem, its a real battle to get through it. how are going to cope as a couple when we come up against serious probs. I'm not sure if i can see this relationship going anywhere, i think this issue is really going to annoy me in the future?

It sure would annoy me. I think you have the right concerns here.

Jonathan

 

[unkern]

Exactly i agree with bootstrap, you would never want a ball and chain the rest of your life. You want to be equally yoked with your partner. My wife had trouble when I first met her at opening up, So I wouldnt let her leave to hide. We still have to work on facing some problems, but now we do alot better.

 

[charligirl]

How do you feel about her? Do you love her? Are you really ready for committment?

Everyone has issues to deal with before marriage, everyone has some sort of baggage from their past. Sounds to me like she has some real issues that need to be worked on before she is in a place where she could have a healthy relationship. She would benefit from counselling and prayer I suspect your estimation of her having a sheltered life is far fro mthe real issues behind her behaviour.

If you love her and can see her as your wife then stand by her and help her through whatever it is she needs to do, pray for her and with her to heal and mature. If however you are not thinking that far ahead you may as well get out now before you add to her 'past'.

 

[mjcecomc]

so if you don't think the issues are her background and the sheltered life shes led, then what do you tink the issues might be. I am ready for commitment, but the last month has been a real battle...do i really want to commit this particular relationship? its getting to the point when its a relief not having too see her...who wants to feel like that? I am willing to help her with these problems, but she gets very upset when i even bring this topic up so how can we evolve. I am praying for her but fear her issues are so deep that it really worries me for the future. if she gets so upset over moving house, how is she going to be able to cope when something more serious happens!!!

 

[Bootstrap]

so if you don't think the issues are her background and the sheltered life shes led, then what do you think the issues might be.

Regardless of the source of the issues, the issues are real and need to be dealt with.

I am ready for commitment, but the last month has been a real battle...do i really want to commit this particular relationship? its getting to the point when its a relief not having too see her...who wants to feel like that?

"Not yet" can be a valid answer. If you know what would have to change, you could tell her. But if she's not interested in working on issues that affect you, will she care for the relationship enough to make it work?

Jonathan

 

[charligirl]

^^good points.

I have no idea what the issues may be, but living a sheltered life does not necessarily make someone act the way she does. She doesn't sound as if she has had the support and confidence building as she grew up to face the world - if she runs and collapses at hurdles and reverts to the child with her family it sounds as if she has not been taught the life skills needed to be an adult - so she runs away, like a child.

They are real issues, but they cannot be dealt with until she can see and accept there is an issue. Pray that she would be enlightened, that God woudl reveal the truth and reality to her and maybe sit her down, or write a letter and tell her what you've told us. It IS an issue and it's causing your relationship to be in stalemate, unable to progress unless she faces it.

Then you will have an answer, she will either fight or flight.

 

[mjcecomc]

Thanks thats all very helpful.

 

[mjcecomc]

ok well i tried to talk to her about these issues today. She got incredibly upest, to the point where she nearly fainted. I think she may have too many ssues for us to get past but im willing to give it a try. Im willing to help her if she says she recognises there is a problem. Irrelevant of what happens with us, i am very concerned about her welfare. She admitted today she had an eating disorder in the past as well. Im not sure if i should try and get somebody at my chirch to speak to her, like somebody expereienced in pastoral care, because she seems to have some real problems!

 

[Bootstrap]

ok well i tried to talk to her about these issues today. She got incredibly upest, to the point where she nearly fainted. I think she may have too many ssues for us to get past but im willing to give it a try. Im willing to help her if she says she recognises there is a problem. Irrelevant of what happens with us, i am very concerned about her welfare. She admitted today she had an eating disorder in the past as well. Im not sure if i should try and get somebody at my chirch to speak to her, like somebody expereienced in pastoral care, because she seems to have some real problems!

I appreciate the caring way you are going about this.

Blessings to you!

Jonathan

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Forget it dude. You can't change her, and I wouldn't advise you to sit around waiting for her to change. Find someone who needs no change. And for her to react the way she is around her ex, unless he was abusive toward her, shows that in reality, she might not be totally over him.

 

[mjcecomc]

well i broke it off....she was devestated!!! its a huge relief for me!!! i have told her that if she want me to help her as a friend, then thats what i'll do....but not in a relationship. i've got to say im glad its over!!!

 

[seangoh]

hey man, was about to post my comments but i guess you didn't need it. Taste the freedom!!! (been there, done that)

 

[pinkstars19]

As someone who has *eek* been that way before, I have to say you did handle it well. At least you are concerned. She does have problems, and she does need to seek help, otherwise she will ALWAYS be like that and will get nowhere. Luckily I was in a relationship with a guy who really did love me and helped me out of that. I am in no way 100% better, but I have gotten immensely better at dealing with issues instead of running away from them. It takes a lot of patience and is extremely draining emotionally.

As for the ex situation - that's weird. She is obviously having some issues getting over him, otherwise running into him wouldn't be such a dramatic situation! Poor girl. I hope she can get the help she needs.