Relationship Advice, Please?
- Thread starter Hollis Gentry
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Yeah, maybe a talk between you and your partner would be suitable first. Talk through this, explain how it felt, and apologize for your error then get on the same page with your partner. Afterwards, as a team, go to your children and explain to them what is expected of them before they leave the kitchen next time. You can do this!
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- Mar 23, 2004
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Well, maybe critical would be a better description. Overwhelmingly critical at the moment. I brought it up with our marriage counselor when he asked if I could give a specific example of a time this week when our conversation made me feel demeaned or criticized. Does this help? Thanks so much for continuing in this discussion.
HG
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- Mar 23, 2004
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Can you understand why your wife felt prompted to respond as she did?
It appeared from what you posted, that the kids were not supervised. Is that perhaps what your wife thought when she saw the kitchen?
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Maybe. Or maybe just letting me know what they left out so I could correct them or adjust allowances. The text just seemed overly harsh and critical. No? Thank you.
HG
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I added a poll to this conversation. Never did that before. Let's see how this goes. Thanks, all, for your help. You are very helpful.
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- Jan 10, 2010
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Not in the least. You both have the same issue to deal with. It's nobody's fault. Agree that things need to change. But don't take the blame or point fingers.
It's "managements" job to deal with the source of the problems, not the people involved.
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com7fy8
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"Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." (Colossians 3:19)
It seems you are saying you are the husband. For us there is no excuse to get bitter. So, first of all, when I can tell something in me is starting to get me bitter > right away I need to pray and trust God to correct me so I am loving. And then with God be creative.
Be kind to her. Say, you did a great job of photographing the evidence! Pictures speak better than a thousand words; thanks so much for not yelling with a thousand words!!
And be ready for love
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"Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." (Colossians 3:19)
It seems you are saying you are the husband. For us there is no excuse to get bitter. So, first of all, when I can tell something in me is starting to get me bitter > right away I need to pray and trust God to correct me so I am loving. And then with God be creative.
Be kind to her. Say, you did a great job of photographing the evidence! Pictures speak better than a thousand words; thanks so much for not yelling with a thousand words!!
And be ready for love
Thank you. I am the wife. Still good advice.
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Hollis - you've said that you felt "demeaned" by the text. But didn't your husband have a legitimate reason to send the text? I'm sure you felt "shame" from the text, but I honestly don't believe it was demeaning. An example of "demeaning" , as I see it (and I'm not claiming to be an expert in this - this is just my opinion) would be if your husband said something like "you are such a slob! Can you never leave the house decent when you leave?". That would be demeaning, I think. The text you got seemed to have restraint by allowing the pictures to do most of the "speaking".
IMO....we need to be able to accept constructive criticism from our spouses (and also feel free to be able to voice our own grievances). Defensiveness - or shifting blame - is another way of avoiding healthy communication. It's crucial for both spouses to be able to communicate their opinions, needs, desires and be "heard"......understood.
Have you seen your marriage counselor since this happened? I'm curious about their response (if you feel comfortable sharing).
IMO....we need to be able to accept constructive criticism from our spouses (and also feel free to be able to voice our own grievances). Defensiveness - or shifting blame - is another way of avoiding healthy communication. It's crucial for both spouses to be able to communicate their opinions, needs, desires and be "heard"......understood.
Have you seen your marriage counselor since this happened? I'm curious about their response (if you feel comfortable sharing).
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Hm. Thank you. Yes, in fact, I brought up the text message to him when I stated that my husband is critical/demeaning and the counselor asked for an example of a recent conversation that would fit that description.
HG
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And what did your counselor say about that as an example? Do you mind sharing the response?
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com7fy8
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If your husband usually is kind and generous with you, and honoring you and showing you appreciation, then his history would indicate that he possibly was not being vindictive or demeaning.
But if this text came in the context of various sorts of ways he is demeaning with you . . . now we have a problem, I would say.
May be what he did this time can be known by the company it keeps
Possibly, it would be good to first hear what he has to say, in person, and see how he is relating. But be ready in prayer so you are obeying God in His peace, and not allowing negative and hurt and nasty stuff to decide how you are and see things. If he is being wrong with you, be ready for love, yourself, so you can be a good example for him.
In my case, with my lady friend, I have tried to control her to do things I have been sure she needed to do. She even agreed on some items. But she can then get out of certain things, because her personality can effect what she is ready and able to do.
And then I have found God correcting me to stop trying to control her > 1 Peter 5:3. Get to know her better and bless her in prayer and enjoy her, and encourage her about things the most important. So, I got humbled into better loving with her, I would say . . . knowing I can not change her the way she really needs . . . within her > only God can do this.
So, today, when I found her pills were mixed up in the dispenser, and the doggie had too many split pills remaining since we started him on his thing, first I enjoyed her and we did some different good things with each other and talked about different things. After we had seen some TV ministry and had something to eat and were enjoying sharing, I pointed out what I discovered about pills.
It was easy to prove there were too many doggie pill halves. And likely, in my opinion, doggie didn't really need his, anyway, and I said this.
And she said she knew she had done something off with her own meds; so I showed her how to identify certain similar pills.
I think it helped to make an issue about what really mattered. And check things without trying to take over, giving feedback - - - and being ready for feedback >
There are times I have had a practical issue about something she does; but once it came to me > "Why don't you ask her why she does that?" Her answer had to do with feeling for others, not just being perfect and practical. So, her wavelength, I find with getting to know her, is she can be about compassion!!! Halleluiah!!! Exactly what I need to be into better.
So, I see how it can help to get to know her, so I have good understanding of how she is while she does things; and be ready for how God can use her to help me
But if this text came in the context of various sorts of ways he is demeaning with you . . . now we have a problem, I would say.
May be what he did this time can be known by the company it keeps
Possibly, it would be good to first hear what he has to say, in person, and see how he is relating. But be ready in prayer so you are obeying God in His peace, and not allowing negative and hurt and nasty stuff to decide how you are and see things. If he is being wrong with you, be ready for love, yourself, so you can be a good example for him.
In my case, with my lady friend, I have tried to control her to do things I have been sure she needed to do. She even agreed on some items. But she can then get out of certain things, because her personality can effect what she is ready and able to do.
And then I have found God correcting me to stop trying to control her > 1 Peter 5:3. Get to know her better and bless her in prayer and enjoy her, and encourage her about things the most important. So, I got humbled into better loving with her, I would say . . . knowing I can not change her the way she really needs . . . within her > only God can do this.
So, today, when I found her pills were mixed up in the dispenser, and the doggie had too many split pills remaining since we started him on his thing, first I enjoyed her and we did some different good things with each other and talked about different things. After we had seen some TV ministry and had something to eat and were enjoying sharing, I pointed out what I discovered about pills.
It was easy to prove there were too many doggie pill halves. And likely, in my opinion, doggie didn't really need his, anyway, and I said this.
And she said she knew she had done something off with her own meds; so I showed her how to identify certain similar pills.
I think it helped to make an issue about what really mattered. And check things without trying to take over, giving feedback - - - and being ready for feedback >
There are times I have had a practical issue about something she does; but once it came to me > "Why don't you ask her why she does that?" Her answer had to do with feeling for others, not just being perfect and practical. So, her wavelength, I find with getting to know her, is she can be about compassion!!! Halleluiah!!! Exactly what I need to be into better.
So, I see how it can help to get to know her, so I have good understanding of how she is while she does things; and be ready for how God can use her to help me
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Hubby: Thanks. Our counselor suggested that we get a sampling of ten wives' responses. I am not in favor of "consensus" being our guide, as it will generally be skewed by sample size, biases, region, and so many other things, not to mention the fact that our American culture is a mess. Jesus is our straight measure, and we should both behave and forgive as He, as well as we can. I was surprised and felt completely ambushed by her answer to our counselor's question, "Can you give me an example of a recent conversation that felt demeaning/critical/harsh" with her response was the text at the beginning of this post. She had not mentioned this to me in the past and, in my mind, we had had a very nice month since the last session. I couldn't even think straight after she ambushed me like that. She had promised to never do that again, after it happened a while back, and it came out of no where again regarding such a tiny, off-the-cuff text. The really surprising part is that our counselor, who I like very much, agreed with her. I honestly don't have any idea what will set her off and I don't know that I can always sit down and plan every single word, text, email, facial expression, etc., look at it from every angle, get consensus, and ask my counselor, before I communicate with my wife. I am completely desperate for a way to speak with her on a daily basis without her losing it and/or waiting until we get to the counselor's office to accuse me of being harsh/critical/demeaning. I love my wife more than anything in the world. I just want some way to communicate that will not result in an argument, suspicion, a shut-down, or anything besides productive, kind, God-honoring communication. Thanks for your help and we very much desire your prayers.
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