Relations

[Beth S.]

So, I've been struggling with my husband not wanting to ever have sex with me. I'm not use to a man like this. He says he's just not a typical horny man. I like to have sex often and he could care less. Anyone else struggle with this? How do I deal with this? Makes me feel like he isn't attracted to me but he says he's very much attracted to me just not a sexual person. Still makes me feel gross :-( He said he can give it to me when I want it but it doesn't feel the same. I've never had to be the one to initiate sex with a man before. Help!!

 

[Jon Osterman]

I think you will find this is more common than you expect. Are you newly married? Is this a change in behaviour or has it always been like this? Also, do you have much experience with other husbands (since you say you are not used to a man like this)?

Ultimately this is your problem and not his. You want him to enjoy sex, but he doesn't. He is willing to give you sex and that should be enough for you. You can't demand that he enjoy it too.

 

[Beth S.]

I think you will find this is more common than you expect. Are you newly married? Is this a change in behaviour or has it always been like this? Also, do you have much experience with other husbands (since you say you are not used to a man like this)?

I have been engaged many times (not proud) and even in my younger years, just any man period. I've never dealt with this. We are newly married... he said he was so hot for me before marriage due to maybe not being able to have sex until married. so we made out a lot and it was always hot and heavy. Now it's nothing. He said this is normal for him.

 

[Willie T]

Additional Testosterone might help.

 

[Beth S.]

Additional Testosterone might help.

He does have low testosterone. He was taking special shots and is now taking some sort of herbal stuff. Is that why he's that way?

 

[Beth S.]

Funny, that's kind of what he said to me. I guess I feel it's wrong that he doesn't WANT to, he has to make himself...makes me feel like crap.

 

[Jon Osterman]

Low testosterone can negatively affect libido, but frankly he shouldn't be taking behaviour altering drugs just to satisfy your overactive sex drive.

 

[Beth S.]

Low testosterone can negatively affect libido, but frankly he shouldn't be taking behaviour altering drugs just to satisfy your overactive sex drive.

Oh no, he's been taking this way before I came in the picture....

 

[Jon Osterman]

Oh no, he's been taking this way before I came in the picture....

Then presumably he no longer has low testosterone, so that can't be it. Since you have only been married less than two months, it can't be your appearance. Has he had previous partners? Was he like this with them?

 

[Beth S.]

Then presumably he no longer has low testosterone, so that can't be it. Since you have only been married less than two months, it can't be your appearance. Has he had previous partners? Was he like this with them?

He said he was. I just don't know how to deal with this....It makes me feel unwanted etc. It's driving me nuts. I try to not think about it but it's really hard.

 

[PeachieKeen]

My husband does have as high a sex drive as I do either. I totally feel you where it makes you feel unattractive and unsexy.

I finally had a conversation with my hubby and we laid out our expectations for sex. It's not that he doesn't like it, but he just seems to take it for granted since he can have it whenever he wants. So I explained that I have a really strong "love language" of touch so I need him to make an effort to be physical in order for me to feel loved. I asked him to try to initiate at least a few times a week and he was ok with that.

Tbh, I'd still probably prefer to go for it every single day, but our compromise has made things way better. Maybe try laying it out there for your hubby too?

 

[Beth S.]

My husband does have as high a sex drive as I do either. I totally feel you where it makes you feel unattractive and unsexy.

I finally had a conversation with my hubby and we laid out our expectations for sex. It's not that he doesn't like it, but he just seems to take it for granted since he can have it whenever he wants. So I explained that I have a really strong "love language" of touch so I need him to make an effort to be physical in order for me to feel loved. I asked him to try to initiate at least a few times a week and he was ok with that.

Tbh, I'd still probably prefer to go for it every single day, but our compromise has made things way better. Maybe try laying it out there for your hubby too?

So glad to hear of someone having the same issues. I did talk to him and he said he would have sex just for me, but it hurt me that he said that and made me feel gross since he doesn't want to have sex with me on his own so I told him NO, I don't want him doing it just to make me happy. It just doesn't seem right. Maybe he and I need to talk again.

 

[Dave-W]

A few things:

1 - in your other thread you said he had a 20 year old son. That would put him in his 40s, or maybe even 50? Men have a huge drop off of testosterone by that age. The high levels of T in the teens and 20s is what makes the "typical horny man." A supplement may help, but that needs a doctor's diagnosis and prescription.

2 - in first century Jewish culture (where our Lord and all of the apostles grew up) sex was "a woman's RIGHT and a husband's responsibility." The Ancient Jewish sages wrote that men were not supposed to initiate. From records we know that minimum frequency of sex a wife could expect was written into ALL marriage contracts, and that wives could (and did) go to court to enforce those minimums.

3 - since sexual satisfaction is supposed to be one of the benefits of the marriage covenant, you can INSIST he go to the doctor to find out if his T levels are low; and also take him up on his offer to do you when ever you want. A good amount of activity may just raise his T levels (and his interest/need) as well.

Get used to initiating. Remember the Song of Solomon was 90% about her desires, not his. IMO Christian culture (and western culture in general) have it backwards.

 

[Jon Osterman]

I asked him to try to initiate at least a few times a week and he was ok with that.

That seems like a lot! I am surprised he agreed to that!

I don't particularly like sex either. I will have sex if my wife asks and it is reasonable, but I don't see why I should initiate something I don't like.

 

[Dave-W]

My husband does have as high a sex drive as I do either.

I think you mean "does NOT have..."?

Tbh, I'd still probably prefer to go for it every single day,

I mentioned the first century marriage contracts from Judea (bible times) The (minimum) amount of sex was based on the husband's occupation. If it was a job that kept him home (not traveling) and was not overly physically exerting, the minimum was daily.

So you are right in line there.

 

[Beth S.]

A few things:

1 - in your other thread you said he had a 20 year old son. That would put him in his 40s, or maybe even 50? Men have a huge drop off of testosterone by that age. The high levels of T in the teens and 20s is what makes the "typical horny man." A supplement may help, but that needs a doctor's diagnosis and prescription.

2 - in first century Jewish culture (where our Lord and all of the apostles grew up) sex was "a woman's RIGHT and a husband's responsibility." The Ancient Jewish sages wrote that men were not supposed to initiate. From records we know that minimum frequency of sex a wife could expect was written into ALL marriage contracts, and that wives could (and did) go to court to enforce those minimums.

3 - since sexual satisfaction is supposed to be one of the benefits of the marriage covenant, you can INSIST he go to the doctor to find out if his T levels are low; and also take him up on his offer to do you when ever you want. A good amount of activity may just raise his T levels (and his interest/need) as well.

Get used to initiating. Remember the Song of Solomon was 90% about her desires, not his. IMO Christian culture (and western culture in general) have it backwards.

He's actually only 37 years old. He does have a 20 year old son. Okay so maybe I should find a good Christian book to help me with this or something. Not somethign I"m use to. I'm so glad you guys have all replied to help me out. I appreciate it so much! Also, he did say his doc said his T-levels are low. Wow, lots of good information that I never knew. Thanks!

 

[Dave-W]

He's actually only 37 years old.

So he sired a kid at 17? I guess it happens.
I noticed my desires starting to wane by the late 20s - but not too much . Everyone is different.

he did say his doc said his T-levels are low

So have him get a prescription already..,

Maybe you have done this already, but ask him what specific stuff turned him on as a teen, in his 20s, etc. Ask for ALL of it. Then pick out a thing or 2 to start doing ... (time it with the start of the T supplements)

 

[Dave-W]

. He was taking special shots and is now taking some sort of herbal stuff.

Herbal only works if the dip is slight.

 

[Beth S.]

Herbal only works if the dip is slight.

Good to know. Thanks!

 

[Jon Osterman]

If it was a job that kept him home (not traveling) and was not overly physically exerting, the minimum was daily.

That seems completely unreasonable and inappropriate for modern life. Who on Earth even has time for that?