Reconciliation

[SOLDIER ❤]

My life went so out of control. It spiraled to a breaking point. I fought hard to control what I could not. For 9 months my life has been shattered in every way possible.

In november I lost myself and my identity. I was robbed of almost every possesion I owned in January in a Robbery. I lost so many people who were so close to me. I lost My spiritual grandfather who saw me grow up in the lord since I was 13 years old. In april I lost a close uncle (Mom's side). On my birthday I lost another uncle (Fathers side). The week after, June 10th I lost a very very close friend who was only 34 years old. Too young... and now... July...just last week my aunt of a massive heart attack (Fathers side). On the same week I had an extremely bad fall out with my best-friend. She was at the funeral, but we did not speak to each other which hurt so much.

Our friendship has been THE SOURCE of strength for me since november. We went out everywhere and did everything together, but I messed it up so badly. I was broken hearted in every way possible feeling the sense of too much loss in my life... I hit a breaking point. I rented a car needing to just do something and just air out my frustrations. I wanted to drive and just jam to music while I'm driving, but I couldn't take it no more.

I couldn't take everything that was happening. Everything overwhelmed me. At 12:36am I hit the highway with no cars in sight. I pressed the gas as hard as possible. The speedometer read 101mph as I was about to hit a curve when from the deepest part of me I felt a whisper... "Don't do it." I was crying and I just lifted my foot off the gas and hit the break as hard as I could just before I hit the curve on the highway. The car came to a stop. I couldn't stay there so I parked the car and just cried until I had no more tears left. I couldn't believe I almost did it, but I was still hurting... On July 4th (thursday) feeling completely alone...I thought yet again of ending my life, but instead... took 3 valiums and drifted into a deep sleep.

The next day 7/5... I escaped and went away for the weekend so I wouldn't be alone. While there... I took a moment to meditate and pray. Coming back from my trip on monday at 6:30am my best-friend texts me... she told me she had a dream with me... we are currently starting to speak once again, but... it wasn't until Tuesday that I finally realized that everything was so out of control in my life that I didn't realize how far I was from God.

I still went to church and I was ministed to and I had moments of ups and downs, but that didn't mean that I was alright. It wasn't until Tuesday that I realized that I had strayed so far away from God even though I was still in church. At work I found a bible and I opened it. It opened to Psalms 130. "From the depths of my despair I call to you, Lord. Hear my cry, O Lord; listen to my call for help!"

At work at 5:30pm I recieved a word from above. I was searching for Love in all the wrong places.

""When you understand that I am all you need then you will see. When I become the center of your life to the point where nothing and no one else takes my place...then...you will see me."

God let me know that I lost all focus and that his love is the only thing I should be looking for.

I realized that I needed to give my life back to God. At 5:47pm... though I wasn't at church I made a declaration on my facebook. I reconciled with God... asked him back in my life and decided to give up everything that has pulled me down. I once again made a choice to follow him and take back my identity and all that he made me to be. Since then... My Best-friend has been speaking to me more and we are currently working on our friendship again.

I've learned so much in this process... Pain and hurt is the process of life. Pain is a sign that there is life. The pain we go through is not to kill us. It's part of the training in this christian walk. It's to make us stronger. God is able to break every chain, change everything and focus our life when we are so lost. Trust me... I'm not out the wood yet, but these last two days... I've been reading the word and focusing on him. Just falling in love with God all over again.

I hope... you find hope in this. Sometimes we just need to realize we've strayed far away and come back to God. The rest... he takes care of.

 

[Going Merry]

Some of the happiest points in my life was when I was just focused on God to the point that is all I thought about. You went through a lot and sorry to hear that. I can somewhat relate but I never had loss of family like that. Or at least loss of people that affected me. I always refer to Song of Solomon if I want to know how much God loves me. I think that book alone showed me how deep Gods love is for me than any other writing. There was an e-book I read on it that made a lot of sense, maybe I can forward it to you if you want? Sometimes we think that because we're weak that we are just so condemned or undesirable to God. But the reality is that it's just being human. That God expects us to behave in a way that is not holy and then he has purposed us to repent of that and to follow Him. Growing up I see a consequence for every action. For every good thing a reward. For every bad thing a chastisement (unless you repent). You sowed a lot of tears... so you should take joy in that God has prepared in your future something of equal value of goodness. Hehe really what makes me content is knowing that the weaker I am the closer I can be with God. I am just another vessel like you are. So was Paul and the apostles. As long as we search with all our hearts, minds and souls then God is in reaching distance.

 

[Going Merry]

I don't know if you can relate with this. But when I decided I was going to take my own life a month or two ago, the complete freedom I felt from just accepting it made me reconsider. Contentment is something you can have here and now. Just put your wants to the side, put down your problems on the other, and know that although you put down your burden and that you care about them so much! That since God cares for you like He confirms with us in His word, he will take it up himself. And he will do such a better job at handling our burdens than we ever could.

 

[Maka]

Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes we don't realize we are turning away from God until something really bad happens. If I have any hate in my heart, even self hate then I know I have strayed and I need to get back to him.

 

[SOLDIER ❤]

I don't know if you can relate with this. But when I decided I was going to take my own life a month or two ago, the complete freedom I felt from just accepting it made me reconsider. Contentment is something you can have here and now. Just put your wants to the side, put down your problems on the other, and know that although you put down your burden and that you care about them so much! That since God cares for you like He confirms with us in His word, he will take it up himself. And he will do such a better job at handling our burdens than we ever could.

This seems to be part of the lesson I have to learn. Acceptance and learning to find the good in the midst of the storm.
Thanks Merry. To be honest in the midst of all of this I've never ever attempted anything foolish til now. It was just too much for me this year, but God is Sovereign and he will make a way. Like you said... something better has to happen.

Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes we don't realize we are turning away from God until something really bad happens. If I have any hate in my heart, even self hate then I know I have strayed and I need to get back to him.

It truly didn't hit me till I was so deep in the mess that I didn't see. I was slowly fading. Like Casting Crowns song Slow Fade.

 

[stephanieamber]

Blessed are the poor in spirit.
The Lord is close to the broken hearted.

The Bible stays that when we are rock bottom, that is when we can experience the love of God the most. I have often found it funny that in the valleys I cry for mercy, I cry to be lead to the hilltop and when I stand on top of a mountain I want for nothing more than to feel the closeness of the Lord like I did when I had no other source of joy but Him.

People say it's hard to sing the praises of God in the midst of storm and trial, but I find myself clinging tighter then than I do when the water is smooth.

Thanks for sharing. Eyes on Christ.