Wife had and an EA with close friend. Some physical contact also. She is sorry and repented but now has a very low desire for any physical from me. Says she could live with r without sex. Now I feel cheated because the OM was the last person to have anything she desired. Is this a phase or is this a new life because of the guilt?
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rebuilding after ea
- Thread starter thefallguy25
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- Jun 22, 2007
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What do you mean by the OM was the last person to have anything she desired? Have the two of you talked about what she does desire....what the two of you desire for your marriage?
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There is so much to this story. So sorry for the brief details. What I mean is that she had fun with the OM. The had and emotional connection. Likes, interest,joking around,....etc. My wife feels that those emotions r what took her down that dark road and she wants nothing to do with that. It's evil. Our relationship has just seemed to b two people living together with no spark. If I go to kiss her she will turn her head so i kiss on cheek. I know that our relationship is more than physical,but will there ever b any spark again? I love my wife and when I try to talk to her she says that she if fine and needs nothing from me. She says only God is to meet her needs. I feel so useless and that the OM had something shey desired. Now she is killing those desires because of where it took her. This is hard thing to explain. But my wife is a very active outgoing, fun loving person. She would lite up aroud this person. When she is around me it is like she is struggling to b around me.I know I need to love her as Christ loves us. Just will there ever b any fire again?
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- Jun 22, 2007
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She feels an emotional connection is evil? In marriage? Or she's afraid of being hurt? How long have you been married?
I'm sorry you're hurting. One thing to remember is (forgive me if this really sounds trite) your "usefulness" is in God. He has a purpose for you. It's difficult, because you are still married, so that is your "responsibility".....your "mission".... but, you can be "blameless" without being dependent upon your wife---depend on God (again....sorry for the cliche').
I'm sorry you're hurting. One thing to remember is (forgive me if this really sounds trite) your "usefulness" is in God. He has a purpose for you. It's difficult, because you are still married, so that is your "responsibility".....your "mission".... but, you can be "blameless" without being dependent upon your wife---depend on God (again....sorry for the cliche').
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Yes in our marriage.
I know your right about where I need to find my purpose. If fact this has been a huge wake up call spirtually for me. Just some weeks the loneliness is so heavy that it is hard to breath. It is in those dark hours that I have to " take my thoughts captive". We have been married almost18 years and have 3 kids. Her fear is that " lovey feeling " is evil even in marriage because of what it did to her and our family. If this is confusing I'm sorry. This is my first time on one of these sites and I'm not great at writing my thoughts. My brain is faster than my hand and I will mix 2 thoughts in one sentence.
I guess the real reason I'm on here is that we had a bad week and it is hard to resolve most of our issues. I work a crazy schedule and some weeks we will only see each other about 5-6 hours all week. So thanks for listening and your input.
I know your right about where I need to find my purpose. If fact this has been a huge wake up call spirtually for me. Just some weeks the loneliness is so heavy that it is hard to breath. It is in those dark hours that I have to " take my thoughts captive". We have been married almost18 years and have 3 kids. Her fear is that " lovey feeling " is evil even in marriage because of what it did to her and our family. If this is confusing I'm sorry. This is my first time on one of these sites and I'm not great at writing my thoughts. My brain is faster than my hand and I will mix 2 thoughts in one sentence.
I guess the real reason I'm on here is that we had a bad week and it is hard to resolve most of our issues. I work a crazy schedule and some weeks we will only see each other about 5-6 hours all week. So thanks for listening and your input.
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- Jun 22, 2007
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It doesn't seem to me that you are having trouble explaining your thoughts. It's got to be a huge issue to unravel. It honestly does sound like you're zeroing in on the main issue.....that's really going to be the most important step---defining the root cause.
Would you say that in the early years of your marriage, the two of you had all those things she noticed in the OM? The shared interests....the fun? Have you asked her what's changed?
Would you say that in the early years of your marriage, the two of you had all those things she noticed in the OM? The shared interests....the fun? Have you asked her what's changed?
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We have had some of those things. Ex. We could kiss passionately, talk jokingly,tease have fun. Now granted we r very different. She even has said that she doesn't know why she was able to open herself up to him that way and not able to with me. She said she has always been reserved with her emotions. But I showed her some old love letters she wrote to me only to here her say that that doesn't sound like her and she doesn't remember even writing like that. I am not looking to have what they had. But I also dont want our relationship to b so boring either. Our conversations r mostly about mundane things. I know that's what about 90% of married life is at our age. But I don't think our relationship should b just about paying bills, going to kids games, working,and repeat. I'm not dead yet, I just don't know how to get the spark back.
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Usually in these cases I advise the man to get angry and show his anger towards his wife for her indiscretions. After that he tells me it was his fault, for whatever reason he rationalizes, and he tells me my advice isn't helpful so he chooses an appeasement course of action that exacerbates the problem. My work is done here.
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None taken. To each his own. Truth is when I first found out I could have put out a hit on this guy. But decided to go the forgiveness route. Much better.
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You have to forgive for your own well being. Getting angry and showing it shows her several things that tend to get women's juices flowing. Acting too accepting of it is not sexy. I don't really want to try to explain it because I'm not sure how. I just know that showing anger often leads to makeup sex.
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The way it reads you are on to stagnation. Get angry and show it. Its like a push start standard transmission car. For whatever reason the relationship stalled. The way it is now you're doing everything but getting out, pushing and popping the clutch. Look at showing anger as an attempt and emotional push start for your relationship. It may not work but its different than what you are already doing that isn't working.
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iambren
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This is HER issue. She has chosen to abandon you and to not love you. You have the choice to leave or live a lonely,sexless life and keep the marriage intact. It really is not more complicated than that.
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illudium_phosdex
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Not necessarily. I had an emotional affair in the second year of our marriage. Admittedly there was a time there when I felt similar to the OP's wife and unfortunately my actions drove my husband to have an emotional affair of his own.
It took some doing on both our parts to get things back on track but we did. I'm just saying that it isn't necessarily over.
It took some doing on both our parts to get things back on track but we did. I'm just saying that it isn't necessarily over.
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Was his EA helpful in bringing you back together or did it make it worse?
Jealousy can be a powerful motivator.
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Atlasshrugged,
Was it guilt, feeling dirty,unworthy,etc that kept you like that? Or was your husband mean and that caused you to shut down emotionally? How long before your marriage was restored? I know restorationis a long process,but was there a turning point where you knew things were going to b alright?
I'm not going to give up on this marriage. I KNOW God brought us together. (That's a long story for another post). I'm just wondering what I should b doing in the meantime, besides prayer,seeking God....etc.
Was it guilt, feeling dirty,unworthy,etc that kept you like that? Or was your husband mean and that caused you to shut down emotionally? How long before your marriage was restored? I know restorationis a long process,but was there a turning point where you knew things were going to b alright?
I'm not going to give up on this marriage. I KNOW God brought us together. (That's a long story for another post). I'm just wondering what I should b doing in the meantime, besides prayer,seeking God....etc.
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illudium_phosdex
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He was very angry and I wouldn't say mean but very distant. And I wouldn't say there was really any guilt on my part. It was more resentment. This is going to sound so bad but I was kind of angry with him too because I was feeling like if only I wasn't married, this relationship with N might have gone somewhere and instead I'm stuck with my H. It took another 6ish months from the time I ended my EA with N for me to realize what a selfish jerk I was being. But when I did realize, I made a 180 in how I treated DH and how I acted with him.
Autumn, I think his EA made things worse because when he started his, I'd already seen the error of my ways and decided to start acting like a proper wife and not a spoiled brat. I'm not going to say that there was no jealousy at all but it wasn't his EA that had motivated me to change in the first place.
As for what you should be doing, thefallguy, even after going through what I have, I don't know what to tell you. It wasn't until I changed my mindset that I began to change. Really nothing he said or did made a whole lot of difference because I was in that spoiled selfish mode. And I'm not saying that your wife is being spoiled and selfish. She may have completely different motivations for doing what she does than what I had at the time. I wasn't saved at the time either and that may have made some difference in my thought process at the time too. I'm pretty sure it did.
Oh, you asked how long before our marriage was restored. Honestly, ours started off pretty bad but here's a kind of time line as I remember things. I began seeing N in late 1999. It wasn't until late 2002 that we both decided that we needed to start making an effort in our marriage and it was probably another 6 mos after that before I'd say that we were in a stable place; around March of 2003 I think.
Autumn, I think his EA made things worse because when he started his, I'd already seen the error of my ways and decided to start acting like a proper wife and not a spoiled brat. I'm not going to say that there was no jealousy at all but it wasn't his EA that had motivated me to change in the first place.
As for what you should be doing, thefallguy, even after going through what I have, I don't know what to tell you. It wasn't until I changed my mindset that I began to change. Really nothing he said or did made a whole lot of difference because I was in that spoiled selfish mode. And I'm not saying that your wife is being spoiled and selfish. She may have completely different motivations for doing what she does than what I had at the time. I wasn't saved at the time either and that may have made some difference in my thought process at the time too. I'm pretty sure it did.
Oh, you asked how long before our marriage was restored. Honestly, ours started off pretty bad but here's a kind of time line as I remember things. I began seeing N in late 1999. It wasn't until late 2002 that we both decided that we needed to start making an effort in our marriage and it was probably another 6 mos after that before I'd say that we were in a stable place; around March of 2003 I think.
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Atlasshrugged,
Thanks for your input. My wife was saved at the time. In fact she was a staff pastor for the children's ministry. I know this weighs heavy on her by the comment she make about herself. My wife may nor b perfect but who is other than the ONE who forgives us.
Thanks for your input. My wife was saved at the time. In fact she was a staff pastor for the children's ministry. I know this weighs heavy on her by the comment she make about herself. My wife may nor b perfect but who is other than the ONE who forgives us.
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Psalm63
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There's your problem right there.
What did she get from the other guy that she didn't get from you? She got time, interest, conversation, joking, and romance.... The discussion did not revolve around the children's sports schedule and paying bills.
Expecting hot sex when you spend NO time cultivating an emotionally intimate relationship with her isn't going to heal your marriage nor fix the problem.
Two suggestions (with links):
Retrouvaille - I guarantee if you go to the weekend, the sparks will fly, Be sure to go to the post sessions too.
The Policy of Undivided Attention and you might also want to look at "Why do Women Leave Men?" by Willard Harley on the marriagebuilders website. Cut down your hours at work, hire a babysitter, do what it takes to spend plenty of time with the woman you promised to "nourish and cherish".
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