rebuilding after ea

[hijklmnop]

There's your problem right there.

What did she get from the other guy that she didn't get from you? She got time, interest, conversation, joking, and romance.... The discussion did not revolve around the children's sports schedule and paying bills.

Expecting hot sex when you spend NO time cultivating an emotionally intimate relationship with her isn't going to heal your marriage nor fix the problem.

Two suggestions (with links):

ITA. After infidelity busted up our marriage and all sparks were lost and replaced with a whole lot of negativity, we both decided that we should at least do our darndest to repair our relationship. We did this by revamping pretty much everything and starting from scratch as much as possible. We pretty much starting dating again, slowly but surely, and sure enough, the sparks starting coming back and we managed to fan them back into a nice crackling fire that we're still enjoying. There were definitely times when I really thought we were dead in the water and wouldn't be able to rekindle the kind of bond we'd had before, but we did...and then some. It's actually better now than it ever has been. My advice: carve out some time...hours...and talk to her. Find out if she is willing to try and start over with her. Also, what about marriage counseling? Is that an option for you guys? That helped us work through issues and conflicts with help so we were more able to focus on bonding at other times.

 

[illudium_phosdex]

Dreamer, when DH and I both mutually decided that we needed to give our marriage another chance, we did the same thing. We started all over again. We even went so far as to move to another house in another town, he changed jobs, changed churches, we had his daughter from his first marriage move in with us... Like I said, a totally new beginning.

 

[thefallguy25]

Thanks everyone for your post and insight.
Psalm63,
Our time is limited not by my hours at work to get ahead or make overtime. I just work shift and there are many days that I'm walking out the door to go to work and she is just getting home from work. Shift is hard on marriages. I see marriages fall apart all the time due to shift work. We do our best to talk through out the at work or when I work weekends. The problem we have now is that she has no interest in romance,sex,or jesting with me. Because of our work schedules I will text nice things to her throughout the day. She says she doesn't need or want that because they used to text little notes all day and now it is "wrong". I know our marriage took a hit and we have to rebuild but do all we have now is a relationship where we are roommates. Our sex life has taken a big hit. I know I have to cultivate and nurture our relationship in order for there to be sex but now why would I want to be with someone who says sex is not very important. She is willing but it is know being with corpse. I know some men would be happy with someone who is just willing but she WANTED to be with OM. As her husband who wants this to work out, was will to stay and forgive, I want her to want to be with me as well. I'm not regretfull that we are going through this. I just feel robbed an cheated.
Don't get the wrong idea about us either. We still have fun with our kids,friends,going to games....etc. It's just when I go to be affectionate with my wife I don't want to see her eyes roll back like this is some chore. I read the article that you posted. And maybe we have to start over like dreamer82 said. There ate just day that I don't know where "starting" is. Sometimes I just feel lost and lonely. But writing my thoughts has been a help. So thanks everyone for listening to the grumblings of a crazy man.

 

[Psalm63]

Thanks everyone for your post and insight.
Psalm63,
Our time is limited not by my hours at work to get ahead or make overtime. I just work shift and there are many days that I'm walking out the door to go to work and she is just getting home from work. Shift is hard on marriages.

Can you get on the same shift she works?
Did you check out Retrouvaille?

Once you and she got a taste of the way emotionally investing into your marriage pays off, I think you would BOTH be more motivated (because it does include hot sex as well as warm emotional intimacy and there is hope that the ashes of ea can be turned into the beauty of a marriage stronger and more fulfilling than it has ever been...)

 

[sdmsanjose]

Originally Posted by thefallguy25 http://www.christianforums.com/t7591740-3/#post58573717
Thanks everyone for your post and insight.
Psalm63,
Our time is limited not by my hours at work to get ahead or make overtime. I just work shift and there are many days that I'm walking out the door to go to work and she is just getting home from work. Shift is hard on marriages.


Reply by Psalms
Can you get on the same shift she works?
Did you check out Retrouvaille?

Once you and she got a taste of the way emotionally investing into your marriage pays off, I think you would BOTH be more motivated (because it does include hot sex as well as warm emotional intimacy and there is hope that the ashes of ea can be turned into the beauty of a marriage stronger and more fulfilling than it has ever been...)

Psalms
Your words above in bold are filled with tons of credibility. I know that you have been through a LOT in your marriage so when you say something like the above, that gives a LOT of HOPE. You are someone that has lived it and not just giving a theory.

Thank you Psalms for that encouragement!