Really needing advice

[ezra321]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. We were both raised christians, we grew up together and our families are very close and go to church together. My boyfriend is now in the marines, and it is hard for him to practice his faith like he should as he doesn't have the greatest influences or support system there.
He seems genuinely interested in trying to get back on track. We go to church every sunday, but it's been hard for him to find the passion in his faith like I have.
I want to help him but I am not sure how. To complicate things further, we had sex before he was deployed for afghanistan...
It wasn't out of lust, it was genuinely out of love and caring about someone. And now it is hard to get back to a point where we can stop. We both agree we should, and we tell ourselves all the time that we won't anymore, but it's so much harder than I ever thought it would be. It seems so simple, and I know we should have more self control. It's just hard when you love someone and consider them a husband in many ways already.
Please, any advice on how to be stronger would be great. I have prayed about it a lot, and there are times when we start to do better. But eventually we fail again.
I am in need of advice from a mature christian, both on the issue of the pre-marital sex and on how to strengthen my boyfriend's relationship with God and our relationship as Christians. Thank you.

 

[joseph10]

First Repent, second get married, Third rejoice. And Grow togeither

 

[ezra321]

That would be fine, but I am only 19. I'm not against getting married young, but I know a lot of growing and maturing can happen for us as individuals in the next few years, and I
want to be sure we can do so through God. I believe the only successful marriage is one where God is put first and I'm terrified of failing at that.

 

[joseph10]

If you burn for one another then marry. We are not going to be here that long. You are already married in the eyes of God. When you had sex God bore witness of the covenant
blood of that sealing. It is now just a matter of formality before man. 19 or 90 you are married. That is if you were a virgin. And blood passed between you and he.

 

[razzelflabben]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. We were both raised christians, we grew up together and our families are very close and go to church together. My boyfriend is now in the marines, and it is hard for him to practice his faith like he should as he doesn't have the greatest influences or support system there.
He seems genuinely interested in trying to get back on track. We go to church every sunday, but it's been hard for him to find the passion in his faith like I have.
I want to help him but I am not sure how. To complicate things further, we had sex before he was deployed for afghanistan...
It wasn't out of lust, it was genuinely out of love and caring about someone. And now it is hard to get back to a point where we can stop. We both agree we should, and we tell ourselves all the time that we won't anymore, but it's so much harder than I ever thought it would be. It seems so simple, and I know we should have more self control. It's just hard when you love someone and consider them a husband in many ways already.
Please, any advice on how to be stronger would be great. I have prayed about it a lot, and there are times when we start to do better. But eventually we fail again.
I am in need of advice from a mature christian, both on the issue of the pre-marital sex and on how to strengthen my boyfriend's relationship with God and our relationship as Christians. Thank you.

First let me say, that as you found out, God's wisdom is superior to ours...that is not to cut you down, don't take it the wrong way, it's to build you up in finding God's answers to the dilemma you now face.

1. our son was a Navy corpsman attached to a Marine unit. He came back a different man. I think he still loves the Lord, he says he does, but I wonder sometimes. Military will do that to you. Don't be surprised by it. It sounds however, like you are planing on marriage, so start now to develop the skills and techniques that God ordained for marriage. Quick baby version...Ephesians 5...choose to love one another with biblical love, this is not a world love...in fact, love is putting another above self in an act of humility creating a covenant whose intent/purpose is reconciliation/restoration...2. make a goal you both can work on together. In fact, this is vital to the wifes role in that submit means to work together with. So you need something the two of you can work on together. God wants that goal to be mutual righteousness, and if your boyfriend sees you as helping him reach that goal and visa versa, then you will discover a unity that will blow your mind. and 3. work toward unity, if you are in unity in thought, mind, goal, spirit, etc. then breaking out of the sex thing you mention will be easier.

As to the sex. Being united that it must stop is a great start. As is prayer. But take further steps, avoid being alone in situations that would allow you to have sex. Find other ways to build intimacy with one another cause that is one of the things sex does, builds intimacy. So, maybe when you find yourselves in a situation where sex can occur even though you took precautions to prevent the opportunity, you would study the bible together, pray together, maybe talk about future plans...your fighting against powerful hormones, your fight back has to be equally or greater than the power of those hormones. Put up passages all over the place that remind you to be holy (set apart) for God and for each other. Don't put off marriage beyond what you are able to control (I know you already gave in, but if the fighting back doesn't work) things like that.

Hope that helps...common goal of righteousness through the determination to Love with the humility of the other persons righteousness as all important. IOW's if you put your boyfriends righteousness above your own, when you think about sex, it will be about avoiding sex for his righteousness rather than giving in to your pleasure...this new mindset really does help more than you think...another way to look at the same thing, is to take your thoughts captive unto the Lord. You would really be amazed at how powerful this scriptural advice is to all kinds of problems you will face over your lifetime.

May you both find strength to be all that God is calling you to be. Grace to repent of all the times you fail, and courage to stand firm in the midst of every battle.

 

[iambren]

You crossed the line; it's not human to go back. Break up or marry if you are REALLY interested in living a holy life. You are NOT "married in the eyes of God", that's just a mind game to make sinning easy.

Sorry for the terse reply but I don't type well.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

You crossed the line; it's not human to go back. Break up or marry if you are REALLY interested in living a holy life. You are NOT "married in the eyes of God", that's just a mind game to make sinning easy.

Sorry for the terse reply but I don't type well.

This^

 

[joseph10]

Do not hear the voice of many here. Read the story of Rebeca and Issac. Marriage is established between a man and woman when blood passes between them. Blood covenant. God is the witness of the covenant. Your flesh and his flesh have married. it is marriage in the eyes of God.
So the question is were you a virgin. If you were a virgin then you are married.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. We were both raised christians, we grew up together and our families are very close and go to church together. My boyfriend is now in the marines, and it is hard for him to practice his faith like he should as he doesn't have the greatest influences or support system there.
He seems genuinely interested in trying to get back on track. We go to church every sunday, but it's been hard for him to find the passion in his faith like I have.
I want to help him but I am not sure how. To complicate things further, we had sex before he was deployed for afghanistan...
It wasn't out of lust, it was genuinely out of love and caring about someone. And now it is hard to get back to a point where we can stop. We both agree we should, and we tell ourselves all the time that we won't anymore, but it's so much harder than I ever thought it would be. It seems so simple, and I know we should have more self control. It's just hard when you love someone and consider them a husband in many ways already.
Please, any advice on how to be stronger would be great. I have prayed about it a lot, and there are times when we start to do better. But eventually we fail again.
I am in need of advice from a mature christian, both on the issue of the pre-marital sex and on how to strengthen my boyfriend's relationship with God and our relationship as Christians. Thank you.

This is why God created sex JUST to be between husbands and wives; because it is such a powerful force, and it's exponentially more intense when you love someone.

You know what you're doing is wrong. You know you need to stop. Unfortunately, no amount of advice can make you change your behaviors. You already know that you need to. What's lacking is your decision to change it. And only you can get to that point, nobody can shove you towards it.

I can tell you that I've been where you are. I was young, stupidly in love, and gave in to temptation. And like you, I didn't have the maturity or strength to stop it on my own. What made it even more difficult was that my boyfriend at the time was not a Christian, and even though he knew it was killing me with guilt, he never supported my efforts to stop.

My wake up call was a positive pregnancy test. Don't think it can't or won't happen to you, hon. We were as "careful" as anyone else, we used protection and everything, and we continued for over a year before I got pregnant. There are no words to convey my horror, guilt, and misery.

Trust me... NOW is the time to stop this. For yourself, for him, for your future together (which has now been tarnished and damaged, even if you don't feel the consequences yet), and most of all, for the God you profess to believe in and love.

You need to avoid being alone with your boyfriend. Period. If you aren't alone, you can't have sex. You've already admitted and proven that you can't control yourselves, so this is really the only sure-fire way of avoiding the behavior. Will it be frustrating and annoying and make you both irritable? Probably. But frankly, if your boyfriend has already fallen away to the point where he's willing to risk your spiritual and physical purity, he isn't boyfriend material anymore. And you need to avoid him. My advice would be to end this relationship, or at the very least, take a hiatus from it, and focus on returning to God and correcting your thoughts and behaviors. If you aren't willing to separate from your boyfriend, then at least avoid being alone with him, see him only in public places or around other people. And if he truly loves you, he'll support your decision. If he doesn't support it... that's another red flag I wouldn't ignore if I were you.

There is no going back, there is no regaining your innocence. Stop now before something else happens that you won't be able to take back.

 

[SiyoNqoba]

I was in a similar position to you when I was your age. My boyfriend and I began having pre-marital sex because we loved each other. Like you, I wasn't in a position to get married just yet, but I didn't want to break up with my boyfriend either, because I felt that we would get married one day.

Though it was very, very difficult, we did manage to stop having sex. Instead of looking at it as denying each other the expression of our love, we started to look at it as showing our ultimate respect for each other. We respected and loved each other so much that we were committed to seeing the other person succeed in their endeavour to stop having pre-marital sex. That slight shift in our thinking made a huge difference.

We pretty much had to stop all physical contact. Even kissing was often too far, because it would make us want to go further. You will probably need to do that.

Please feel free to PM me if you want more advice and support. I remember how much of a struggle it was, but we succeeded, and I know you can, too.

(And, for the record, I did end up marrying my boyfriend )

 

[LinkH]

Do not hear the voice of many here. Read the story of Rebeca and Issac. Marriage is established between a man and woman when blood passes between them. Blood covenant. God is the witness of the covenant. Your flesh and his flesh have married. it is marriage in the eyes of God.
So the question is were you a virgin. If you were a virgin then you are married.

Not true. Consider this other passage from the Old Testament

Exodus 22
16 “If a man entices a virgin who is not betrothed, and lies with her, he shall surely pay the bride-price for her to be his wife. 17 If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money according to the bride-price of virgins.
(NKJV)


If the father did not approve, they were not married. If he approved, the man was required to marry her.

 

[ezra321]

Thank you for those of you who had helpful advice. I'm going to sum up my position for those who misunderstood. I do know what I'm doing is wrong, and I was not looking for someone to magically fix it for me. However, it is helpful to have advice from those who have been there and understood how hard it is. I may have messed up, but I do not agree that my future is "tarnished and damaged." Yes I did not follow the path god would have preferred, but neither did many figures in the bible. I have witnessed enough of his mercies to know that if I repent I can find redemption and joy in Him, as well as a bright future. God sent his son to give is forgiveness and cleansing, because he knows we are human, NOT because he expects us to be perfect, but because he knows that we aren't.

That being said, those of you who had positive helpful things to say, I appreciate it. And those of you who were more negative, you do have a right to be. I am in no way excusing my actions, I am just trying to point out that god is merciful and that his mercy and strength are what I need, not condemning comments.

I will try the things mentioned, and I have done my own reading and praying as well. Thank you guys!

 

[ezra321]

I agree I am not married in the eyes of God. He told us to follow the laws of men if they do not interfere with his word, and I know I need a true, lawful marriage. Thank you though for the concern.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

Sweetheart, all of your actions have consequences. Some are immediate and obvious, others are subtle and subconscious and can remain dormant for years and years until something stirs them up. You may not feel that you've damaged your relationship, but you have. You've sinned against yourself, your boyfriend, God, and whatever future husband you may have. Fornication carries a host of emotional and spiritual effects, whether you feel them right now or not. I'm not saying you're doomed to a life of relationship misery or failure, I'm merely saying, please don't be deceived into thinking you can "fix" this with an "I'm sorry" and that's the end of it.

 

[ezra321]

Sweetheart, all of your actions have consequences. Some are immediate and obvious, others are subtle and subconscious and can remain dormant for years and years until something stirs them up. You may not feel that you've damaged your relationship, but you have. You've sinned against yourself, your boyfriend, God, and whatever future husband you may have. Fornication carries a host of emotional and spiritual effects, whether you feel them right now or not. I'm not saying you're doomed to a life of relationship misery or failure, I'm merely saying, please don't be deceived into thinking you can "fix" this with an "I'm sorry" and that's the end of it.

I am very aware that there are consequences, I am not naive. But one of the wonderful things about our god is that he gives us the chance to turn our burdens over to him and to be renewed. Please do not take me for a fool. I know I messed up, and that it is something I will have to live with from now on. I do not believe that God meant for us to spend our lives distressing over mistakes we cannot go back and fix. Rather, I think it is best to repent and use the experience to help others. I am looking for advice from those who have done just that. I am not looking to be reminded that I ruined what was supposed to be a special bond with my husband, because I already know that. I was simply looking for advice on what to do from here and how to be a stronger Christian moving forward. Any other comments telling me I messed up are not necessary nor are they helpful.

 

[razzelflabben]

I am very aware that there are consequences, I am not naive. But one of the wonderful things about our god is that he gives us the chance to turn our burdens over to him and to be renewed. Please do not take me for a fool. I know I messed up, and that it is something I will have to live with from now on. I do not believe that God meant for us to spend our lives distressing over mistakes we cannot go back and fix. Rather, I think it is best to repent and use the experience to help others. I am looking for advice from those who have done just that. I am not looking to be reminded that I ruined what was supposed to be a special bond with my husband, because I already know that. I was simply looking for advice on what to do from here and how to be a stronger Christian moving forward. Any other comments telling me I messed up are not necessary nor are they helpful.

bravo...the church is all to ready to judge, when they should be encouraging and lifting up.

 

[SiyoNqoba]

I am very aware that there are consequences, I am not naive. But one of the wonderful things about our god is that he gives us the chance to turn our burdens over to him and to be renewed. Please do not take me for a fool. I know I messed up, and that it is something I will have to live with from now on. I do not believe that God meant for us to spend our lives distressing over mistakes we cannot go back and fix. Rather, I think it is best to repent and use the experience to help others. I am looking for advice from those who have done just that. I am not looking to be reminded that I ruined what was supposed to be a special bond with my husband, because I already know that. I was simply looking for advice on what to do from here and how to be a stronger Christian moving forward. Any other comments telling me I messed up are not necessary nor are they helpful.

Amen.

Jesus commands us to repent, which essentially means to stop going the way of sin and to change direction and go towards God. This means that we have completely left behind our old way of doing things. It is not impossible, or it would not be asked of us.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

I never said or implied that we couldn't be forgiven, cleansed, renewed, etc. My point was that you can't repent of something and expect the consequences to magically disappear, and then you go on your merry way acting as if you never did anything wrong. You ask for advice from people who've been in similiar situations, but then you reject the advice given because it doesn't make you feel good. That, in itself, is immaturity speaking. Hearing the truth can be painful even while it's helpful and necessary. And when we're truly secure in God's forgiveness, hearing someone say "that was stupid of you" won't send you into a tizzie of defensiveness, you'll simply say "you're right, it was, thank God I learned from it and moved on". As long as you're still prickly about hearing the truth about what you did, you're still not "over it". Nobody here is trying to attack you or demean you. Make sure you're really ready to handle other peoples' comments before asking them next time.

 

[ezra321]

Did I ever once say that I thought the consequences would magically disappear? I explicitly said that I know I will have to live with this mistake, and that I've damaged relationships. I also said that I DON'T expect it to magically be fixed. You repeating back to me the mistake that I myself already recognized and wrote about, which is what my post is about, is not advice. In what way does that advise me of what to do now? I am not "prickly" about the truth. Does it hurt to think about it? Of course. That is one of the consequences that I know won't go away. Does it hurt to have other people continuously tell me what I did wrong, when what I asked for was advice on what to do RIGHT at this point? Yes it does. That does not make me immature, it makes me human. And it proves that, as I clearly said, I know there are consequences. So I say to you, maybe you should Make sure you actually read the post before making comments next time.

 

[dayhiker]

ezra, I think you are as wise an anyone who has posted on this thread.

I'm sure you and God will have a long loving relationship. Day by day treat your BF with love just as you love God. Jesus said, as you have done it unto the least of these you have done it unto me. I was in the Marine many years ago and a Christian as well. Best I can say is to talk with him. Ask him to think about what is bothering him about his faith. He may not have a ready answer. But I think with time and talk he can put it in words. The the two of you can use the wisdom of God you have to work your way thru it.

God bless.