Reaching Out for Help...Possible AN/BN trigger...

[Living4him09]

Hello,

Right now I feel that I am in a bad situation



I have debated about posted this thread for about a day or two because I figured that maybe I am going through some sort of teen phase. Over the past few months/years I have battled off and on with builemia and anerxorica (sorry I am sured I prolly spelled it wrong). Back when I was about # years old, my battle started to take a turn for the worse. I came to the point where I had a negative outlook on food and I still do. I did whatever I could to advoid eating. One day a close friend was over and realized that I really haven't been eating. My mom and my friend started questioning my eating habits, when this happened I went back to "normal" before they could really see what they was thinking might be true.


Currently, I feel like I am losing an even bigger battle to Builemia, Wednesday for the first time I forced myself to throw up the food I had just eaten. Afterwards I felt so much better in a way I had felt happy yet ashamed of what I had just done. I love the feeling it gave me afterwards, and I like the fact that I didn't feel hungry after doing so. Everytime I eat on thursday and friday I was near my mother or my best friend everytime I ate, so I wasn't able to get rid of the food I had just eaten. On friday when I ate by myself for the first time after throwing up for the first time. I almost went into a panic mode. I started crying and breaking down because I wanted to throw it back up so bad. I was really debating back and forth about doing it, then I felt worse because I didn't do it when I know I should have. Lately I haven't stepped on a scale (in some months now) but I know that I have gained weight. When I got on the scale it showed I was loosing but when I looked in the mirror it felt like I was gaining weight. I was in my friends bathroom today and there was a big mirror, when I looked in the mirror I couldn't just see my face and body as "beatiful" like I have once before. All I could see was my flaw. I felt like everyone could see how big I am getting. It's like when I am not around family and friends I literally walk back and forth from out of the bathroom trying to stop myself from throwing up. The reason I didn't do it was not because I think it's wrong, but because I don't want to get caught and don't want anyone to think something is wrong.

I once heard before that having this type or other types of eating disorders is like saying you don't think God did a good job. But I don't look at it that way, it's not God's fault that I have gained weigh (in reality I have gained weight over the years). It's not his fault that I didn't do what I needed to do to stay smaller. But it's like I don't fault him for it, it's not about self-esteem it's about needing to just do what needs to be done to see results. Lately I haven't been able to fast either, I can have the right intention of fasting but it's like mentally I know the fasting would end up not being for spiritual need or anything but a great excuse for not eating or something of the sort. I am not thin, by the BMI standards I am somewhat overweight and tall as well which makes it worse.


I am saying all of this to say that I think that I need help, do you think maybe it's just a teen stage and will pass over time, do you have any help or advice for me?

ThankS

 

[DreamsAreFree]

Teen stage or not - you need to get help from a professional. Please talk to your doctor, a psychologist or a counsellor. You've admitted you need help and that's great. It's the first step towards recovery. Bringing it here suggests you want to get past this and stop. You don't need to do it alone - get someone alongside you who can encourage you and help you work through whatever you need to talk about. I wish you strength for your journey

 

[Living4him09]

But the thing is, I don't feel like there is anything wrong with it, as long as I can keep it under control. It's like I do feel there is something wrong but at the same time I don't feel there is anything wrong with it.

 

[St_Worm2]

But the thing is, I don't feel like there is anything wrong with it, as long as I can keep it under control. It's like I do feel there is something wrong but at the same time I don't feel there is anything wrong with it.

Hi Living4Him, I had a girlfriend many years ago with Bulimia Nervosa who felt very much like you do. She kept it hidden from everyone until the day she almost killed herself (and several others in another car) after passing out behind the wheel and driving through a red light at a busy intersection. I wish Pam was here to talk to you instead of me, but I'm sure she would tell you the same thing I'm about to, YOU CAN NOT KEEP THIS "under control". Instead, it will control you ... whether you think it is or not. I'm very much with DreamsAreFree on this one, you need to seek professional help, immediately.

In the OP, along with this post, you describe yourself as having many of the classic warning signs and symptoms of eating disorders. You already know that your mom is concerned that something is wrong, so take what you've written to us here at CF, show it to her, and tell her that you need her help ... even if you don't think you do!!

Praying for you!

Yours and His,
David

 

[Living4him09]

Thanks for replying I appericate it, since I have only thrown up once, do you think I still need to tell her and get help? I will be honest I am not sure if I need help or if anything is wrong. At times I feel like I do (like after eating) but after a little while I feel better it's getting through the first 15 or so minutes after eating that is sometimes a challenge. I will also admit, that the thought of throwing up to me is a bit gross, but it's like after throwing up, it's like this feeling you get. Like your in control, like your causing yourself not to gain weight, It's like right after I am proud of myself for doing it. It's like I feel better because I know that sooner or later I will see a difference in my weight. But it's like after throwing up I can look in the mirrow at myself and feel proud. It's when I don't decide to throw up I feel worse.

 

[DreamsAreFree]

I would suggest that you need help for the way you think about food if nothing else. So you need to do it to be in control - you need to explore that issue.
Many bulimics actually gain weight over time.

 

[St_Worm2]

... after throwing up, it's like this feeling you get. Like your in control, like your causing yourself not to gain weight, It's like right after I am proud of myself for doing it. It's like I feel better because I know that sooner or later I will see a difference in my weight. But it's like after throwing up I can look in the mirrow at myself and feel proud. It's when I don't decide to throw up I feel worse.

Pam said many of these same things when she described her thoughts on why she 'purged' after meals. She also told me that she thought this was better than simply not eating at all because she at least felt like she was getting some nutrition from the food before she threw it up... which, of course, proved not to be true. Pam's, 'wake-up call', was a car accident that she almost died in. Until then, though she kept it very much a secret from everyone, she always told herself there was nothing wrong with it.

It sounds like you have a mother who really cares for and loves you. And if I was your dad, I would really, really want you to tell me about it so I could help you if the time came that help was needed (I know I wouldn't want to find out a few weeks or months from now from doctors in a hospital ... or worse). For that matter, if you really believe you don't have an eating disorder, why not discuss it with your mom? She will certainly be very happy that you did and will try to help you get to the bottom of all this ..

Yours and His,
David

 

[Living4him09]

I was kind of thinking that as well the problem with AN is I would get to points where I would have to eat because it was so visible that I started not eating or only eating one small meal a day. This went on for a while.

But even if I throw up like once a week or something just for a month or two, I figured I wouldn't really be putting myself at risk for passing out, tooth decay and all. They do care alot for me but it's like I don't want anyone in my real life to know about it. Because I know that they don't view the situation I do. I don't want them to think I have a problem or that I am not okay.

I really don't want to discuss this with my parents because I don't want them to think I have an eating disorder, or that I am depressed/unhappy, or that I am not okay. I am sure they won't view or see it the same way I do. On top of that I partly blame my dad for the weight gain.

 

[Johnnz]

However insignificant you see the issues most people aren't doing what you are. It is a big step to recognise something is amiss. It's an even bigger one to seek help. The likelihood of things going further downhill are probably pretty high.

John
NZ

 

[Quasicentennial]

The teenage phase is a time when you do feel invincible because the body experiences rapid healing and muscular strength. Olympic games and Commonwealth games have teenage champions who have won gold. I think it's the body's survival mechanism that reacts to food or drink shortage in the body if you were alone in a desert where the only thing edible would be cactus plants and roaming ants. The brain needs enough nutrients to function the body, and it is also the blood and nerve system that controls every organ for proper health. As you grow older, the brain does not get enough super-power chemicals if you continue with the starving disease, and eventually one or more of your organs could suffer a complete shutdown without warning.
Like alcoholics who think accidents would never happen to them, you and others like you must change the way you think before it's too late.

 

[BigNorsk]

You are not describing some sort of teenage stage or anything, what you are describing is a life threatening disorder. Part of the problem is your desire to keep it to yourself, it's part of your desire for control, and part of the sign that you are getting better is being able to talk about it with your parents.

In any case, get professional help and get it now before you've destroyed your health and your life.

 

[ForHisGlory2009]

I will be praying for you

 

[miss-a]

I was anorexic and bulemic from age 11 to 28. Did I think at 11 I could control it? I'm sure I did.

Addictions are addictions. They are all ways of not dealing with things Jesus wants to free us from, has freed us from. So take his hand and walk to freedom. For most of us that involves counsel. A pastor, pastor's wife, Christian counselor, there are lots of options. No one likes throwing up. You are not free right now. But you can be. Jesus has the plan laid out. It does not involve isolation or secrecy. Bring this thing out into the light. Show it whose Boss and let your loving Boss Dad, Almighty God control it. It's too big for you.

P.S. If you want to know what seventeen years of bulemia gets you, it gets you thirty years of serious life altering health problems, including suicidal depression, with a side order of hundreds of devastatingly poor decisions and a big chunk of lost life. Don't go there, girl. You are so smart to have posted on here. You were listening to the Holy Spirit. He knew these fine folks would tell you the truth. Please, please act upon it. I wish I'd been that smart at your age. I never told anyone back then.


Praying for you. Blessings, A

 

[Living4him09]

Just wanted to share this what I posted in another thread of mind, but I wanted to let you all know that I will be praying about the sitaution and I will be trying to get in touch with the counselor at my college, I am starting to see I think that's what I need to do

Over the past week or so I have been thinking about what you have said, and what others have said. I have to agree with you, even though I have tried it only once. I have to admit that I loved the feeling after throwing up, I am starting to realize that it is something that I could get addicted to. But I have been trying to view it as something that could be controled, but as you have said I keep getting this feeling that I will be sucked in before I realize it and heading down the road path, it's like in my mind I shouldn't do it and all and I see the dangers, but it's like in my heart, I look pass it all towards the goal of feeling better and losing weight and all.

Beleive me I know what you mean, I was actually shocked when I looked in the mirror and for the first time in a long time I actually liked what I saw. Part of me feels like the result was from throwing up and another part felt better because I ate a banana before I went to sleep and didn't think about throwing it up.

I am starting to see what your talking about and my nails use to be healthy, good length and strong and not they are weak, chipped and everything else. I am not sure why even though I don't have a full fleged ED or anything, I been for the time being over some time been restricting my diet, part of it is on purpose and part of the time I realize it's hard to break out of the habit of eating like eating one meal or like two small meals a day. Even though we are suppose to have three meals a day and all. But for the longest time I would only try and eat once a day and it would be evening time by then. That has gotten better I try to force myself to eat when I feel hungry and don't feel like eating.


But this week has been alot better, but I do think I do need to talk to a couselor before the feeling comes back stronger, but I am happy to say that I did eat by myself today and didn't throw it up or debate about throwing it up. But I gotta do something, I slipped up and mentioned to my mom over the weekend that I just wanted to throw up so bad because I didn't feel well after eating. I use to throw up alot, not now but about a year ago for about four years, because during that time of the month I would be in so much pain that I would throw up and feel better, I don't know because I am talking pills for that reason, but I have wondered maybe I got too use to throwing up, at one point each month I would throw up between #-# times in one to two days. I told her today when talking about throwing up (like when mucus is draining into your thoart/stomach and throwing up is like the only way to get it out other than coughing it up). She mentioned she can't stand throwing up, I told her throwing up doesn't bother me anymore because I have gotten use to it and all. But I think I am going to take up that offer to talk to a counselor though as well as my doctors for a good diet plan or possibly pills I can take for it.

Living4him09

 

[Christsdaughter]

Please seek help especially from a Christian counselor.

Listen to this song: (I hope that it will encourage you)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGZkrn_vaqU

Lyrics:

JONNY DIAZ - More Beautiful You lyrics

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

[Chorus]
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

[chorus]

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl
[chorus]
​

 

[Zebra1552]

MOD HAT ON

Thread moved from Christian advice.

MOD HAT OFF

 

[Living4him09]

I just wanted to inform everyone that I am doing alot better. I think 2010 will be a wonderful year.

 

[Criada]

I'm so glad to hear that

 

[Living4him09]

Thanks