Rant (warning: it's a bit morbid)

[phoenix_kid82]

Hi.

I don't really know where to put this, and i don't expect anyone to understand what i'm on about. I just need to rant cos it's the least unhealthiest way i know how to deal with this.

I'm feeling so out of control at the moment. I keep getting news about people from my old life, they're either dead by suicide or murder, busted, or on the run. My room is completely trashed and i don't even care. I feel like a pastor at my church hates me. I work for the media, which seems to keep bringing up church issues in articles and alot of it's negative or just bloody confusing and i feel like i don't belong in either place, like i must take sides somehow. Well, i'm on God's side, but i'm no example, i'm no light to anyone around here, my lifestyle is #@*)%, i drink, i swear, i sleep around. Well, i'm slipping back anyway. In fact, i'm probably worse than the five years i spent away from God. Although i'm not doing speed or performing anything sexual for money. I feel like there are voices inside me screaming and i'm being pulled in about 20 different directions.

& i'm still kinda grieving for a friend who took his life 2 days before Christmas. Thing is, i changed my mobile no. hours before hand after a "falling out" with my family. Well, we made this promise awhile ago, a few years ago, that if one of us is going to take their lives, we'll contact the other one so we can do it together, so we don't chicken out. He would have known where to find me, he knows i help out at church on Thursday nites, and he would have known to walk around the corner and ask for me there, but it's like he was allergic to God. He's only been to my latest residence a couple of times, when i first moved, but not for ages, so he wouldn't have remembered.

& the world feels different. Then my mouse died, and i can't stand death, everything about it. The smell, the idea, it makes me sick, it makes me want to throw up, and i feel this metal coathanger inside me then i feel cuts up and down my legs.

I feel like i just disappoint everyone i know. Cos they all know i can be better. I have been better. I've almost been good enough, but there's always something they hate about me.

When i'm on the street, i feel like i'm in this giant shopping centre, & i can hear this drone of a million voices and noises but i can't hear a word anyone's saying

 

[phoenix_kid82]

& i'm trying heaps hard to forgive and move on and stuff. I know i need to get over stuff. But now i made a choice, and i'm cutting my sister out of my life. I just need to know how to deal with her when i do see her (it's inevitable, we are family, they do have the odd reunion). I don't wanna act like a B, but i'm not gonna sit there and take her passive-aggressive **** & her words that cut me to bits every time. No way. Cos i'm past it all, i moved on a long time ago, i don't need her to take me back there so she can push me down again like she's trying to drown me.

I almost messaged her after last time. I almost wrote "I HATE YOU", but i know i can't, i know God wouldn't want me to do that. As much as i feel that way, i need to keep it all in, even if my brooding is 10 times more intense. I can't handle her indifference when i'm in need.

It was either that or suicide. Suicide, i won't disappoint people anymore. But the choice i make to not have her in my life, it's a boundary that will help me understand what they're for. And i'm not being a victim either.

And i'm being cyberstalked here at CF. Not in a sleazy way, just information is going places. Not that i care. I have my opinions, i don't agree with everything, i vote labor, but if someone wants to confront me, i wish they'd just PM me and get it over with.

There's this guy. I went out with him for a couple of months last year. We've known eachother for about 3.5 years. I felt like i loved him. I don't say it to anyone, i don't say "I love you" to God, not even in worship, and i hate it when ppl say it to me, i hate the disappointment that i can't say it back cos i have too many twisted ideas, and the only way i really know it is through the wrong avenues. And that's not even love, it's just something i'm able to convince myself is love in the moment cos it "feels" like love, whatever that means. This guys a loser though, he's very worldly and there's no hope in it for us, we wouldn't be going anywhere. It's definately not of God. But we're friends. If he needed someone to bail him out, i'd be there, and vice versa (i think). We laugh heaps, he always cheers me up and I feel good being with him, whatever we're doing.

 

[IKTCA]

P:
You are a 22 year old single. I am 54 years old, have a wife and 2 children. I have to earn bread, and have to guide them to know and fear God. At work, I have to listen to my supervisor and his supervisor, and have to work with coworkers in harmony. I have balance the check and pay the bills. But you seem to be carrying much greater burden than me.

My Dear Sister P;
How long are you going to carry such a burden that wears you down and tears you up? Wouldn't you lay down all your burden before the Lord Jesus and ask him to be your Lord?

Come to me, all you that are weary
and are carrying heavy burdens,
and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke and learn from me;
for I am gentle and humble iin heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is eary,
and my burden is light.

These are Jesus' words. If you would, please read these words back to Jesus and ask him to give the rest. He will. And start reading Jesus' words in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. I will pray for you.

Rupert

 

[Pilgrim1951]

Precious child, I agree with Rupert, you need to lay your many, many burdens down. The Lord never wants us to carry these tremendous loads. When you read the scripture that Rupert gave you, know that Jesus is saying it directly to you. I will be praying for you.

 

[Evie]

Hi.

I don't really know where to put this, and i don't expect anyone to understand what i'm on about. I just need to rant cos it's the least unhealthiest way i know how to deal with this.

I'm feeling so out of control at the moment. I keep getting news about people from my old life, they're either dead by suicide or murder, busted, or on the run. My room is completely trashed and i don't even care. I feel like a pastor at my church hates me. I work for the media, which seems to keep bringing up church issues in articles and alot of it's negative or just bloody confusing and i feel like i don't belong in either place, like i must take sides somehow. Well, i'm on God's side, but i'm no example, i'm no light to anyone around here, my lifestyle is #@*)%, i drink, i swear, i sleep around. Well, i'm slipping back anyway. In fact, i'm probably worse than the five years i spent away from God. Although i'm not doing speed or performing anything sexual for money. I feel like there are voices inside me screaming and i'm being pulled in about 20 different directions.

& i'm still kinda grieving for a friend who took his life 2 days before Christmas. Thing is, i changed my mobile no. hours before hand after a "falling out" with my family. Well, we made this promise awhile ago, a few years ago, that if one of us is going to take their lives, we'll contact the other one so we can do it together, so we don't chicken out. He would have known where to find me, he knows i help out at church on Thursday nites, and he would have known to walk around the corner and ask for me there, but it's like he was allergic to God. He's only been to my latest residence a couple of times, when i first moved, but not for ages, so he wouldn't have remembered.

& the world feels different. Then my mouse died, and i can't stand death, everything about it. The smell, the idea, it makes me sick, it makes me want to throw up, and i feel this metal coathanger inside me then i feel cuts up and down my legs.

I feel like i just disappoint everyone i know. Cos they all know i can be better. I have been better. I've almost been good enough, but there's always something they hate about me.

When i'm on the street, i feel like i'm in this giant shopping centre, & i can hear this drone of a million voices and noises but i can't hear a word anyone's saying

whatever you go through there is nothing to Hard for the LORD. Been through suicide,death etc the whole works. We can not control mans actions or lives,but we can control what your life is like. Try reading God's word and praying and listen to worship music it will be bread to the soul and lift up your spirits. Satan does not want you to grow in Christ. Be careful whom you hang with and remember HE will never desert you. He died for you!!!

 

[phoenix_kid82]

Hi all.

Thanx for your response, and your advice.

I've settled down a bit since i wrote this. & last nite, i was reading and meditating on the Psalms. & God gave me such peace.

I think this is Psalm 34

13 From heaven the LORD looks down


and sees all mankind;

14 from his dwelling place he watches

all who live on earth-

15 he who forms the hearts of all,

who considers everything they do.

16 No king is saved by the size of his army;

no warrior escapes by his great strength.

17 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;

despite all its great strength it cannot save.

18 But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,

on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

19 to deliver them from death

and keep them alive in famine.



20 We wait in hope for the LORD ;

he is our help and our shield.

21 In him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in his holy name.

22 May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD , even as we put our hope in you.

So i was thinking about what i was hoping in that wasn't coming through. I am not saved by my strength (or unsaved for lack thereof). I am saved by God because He wanted to save me, so He did.

I'm trying to stay in the word, stay in church, stay in fellowship with God and others. The hardest thing i'm finding at the moment is to bring all of this into the light with a pastor or a good friend. Even when i go to talk about things, when they ask me how my week has been, it's like i forget, all the stuff i wanted to say just disappears somewhere in my head and i get really vague. Maybe i should write something like this for them.

And with this burden thing, i have also been meditating on this. I get this picture, of someone laying down a physical burden to pick another up that's lighter and smaller. It gets a bit abstract when i try to apply that to my situation. I'm trying to think of a practical way to apply that. Not like "the Bible says not to worry, so don't worry anymore". Okay, well, i need to think about what i'm worrying about and how to leave it to God. The thing that gets me is that i'm making some bad choices, and at times like now i'm very weak so i'm making more bad choices than usual. But it's me that's making them, God can't stop me choosing what i do. That's why i feel out of control.

But i will think about this more, thanx so much for your advice.

I gotta run

 

[whatseekye]

Life is so hard, and sometimes we have special struggles we go through that we think nobody else can understand. But we can always find people to share the burden by listening. Please find some people who can be a support for you, even if they are an imperfect support. And remember to always always turn to Jesus and ask him for help. Find your strength through prayer. God bless you.

 

[blueroses27]

Matthew 19:29

And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.
This is one verse that has helped me during my years of trials. Theyre never easy, but if you lay your burdens down and stick to God like glue, He will take care of you. He loves you sooooo much, no matter how far you've fallen God will bless you and you will grow stronger in the end. So endure in the Lord and you will be rewarded for your faithfullness. And if you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me. Take care

 

[IKTCA]

Sister P:
I thought I could encourage you and give some advice. I am finding I was wrong. It is me who is encouraged by you.

Though you are in a difficult situation, you choose to obey to the Lord with resolve. Though the enemy accuses you, "You are a total failure. No way you can call yourself a believer," you defiantlty stand against the enemy and hold on to the blessed words of God.

I was so blessed by your firm statement that I gave thanks to the Lord for giving me such a joy through you. I haven't experienced such a joy for a long while. You are not only a joy to me, but you are a pleasing living sacrifice to the Lord.

My Dear Sister P.
Continue to be a joy to the Lord with your loving obedience. He will reveal himself to you and be an immeasurable joy to you.

Rupert

 

[phoenix_kid82]

Thanx so much everyone

I'm back.

Last nite, i read a Psalm about repentance. I always feel i shouldn't repent unless i know i'm strong enough to not do it again. But i did, i really asked God to help me. So i tried to repent, i asked God for help and for the strength to take His guidance.

Then early this morning, i had the most horrible dream, i had this deliverance experience, i was screaming (in my dream), it was quite freaky. At the time, i knew what was going on. And i woke up, and felt this really evil presence, some evil spirit was in front of me, watching me, waiting for something. He wasn't allowed to touch me though. But i think he was waiting to see if i'd repent or call upon the name of Jesus or something. But anyway, i started praying and repenting (sincerely, like i understood my sin, and it was bringing death to me). I didn't feel as suffocated by the evil in my room after praying, although it was still kind of there. But i knew i was safe, so i wasn't scared at all.

This guy i was involved with, he use to be into black magic. He's messed around with some silly things, and without sounding ooky spooky, i feel he's under the influence of evil spirits sometimes. But i do sincerely care for him, and i really hope he comes to know Jesus.

Ha! God is so funny. I have a cold sore today. I haven't had one for years. Even if i was going to see him, we couldn't kiss.

& another guy i was involved with is being bombarded with God stuff. I repented of that involvement a week ago, and i prayed that God would put many Christians in his path to lead him back to God. And the Holy Spirit is moving so strongly.

The hardest thing to do now is to stop calling them. It sucks because they're both good friends, and i call them when i'm down, but i think there's an unhealthy dependency i have on some male friends, especially if we've been intimate.

I was thinking of inviting the first one to a healing service this week, he has a physical and a mental condition that keep him from doing anything. Mainly his physical, he seems pretty stable mentally at the moment. I have to be careful. Even though that would be something that would please God, to encourage others to come to Him, i could be risking another backslide.

Thanx everyone for your support here. God is so awesome, He always knows what to say, but it's not words that you have to figure out like a riddle, it's revealed by the Holy Spirit.

And Rupert, thanx so much. It means alot to me, cos before i was thinking i disappoint everyone, i just didn't think i could bring anything positive or beneficial to anyone, especially at a time like this. And to hear that God is pleased with me. I never think like that. Sometimes, i don't know how i could bring Him any pleasure, especially when i'm in sin, but i know He wants to be in relationship with me wherever i'm at, so i have to keep in fellowship with Him.

Okay, i gotta run. Thanx so much everyone, thanx for your prayers, thoughts and words.

Ciao

 

[tamtam92]

hello
I'm happy to see that things are going better now. You know, i've found a good way to forgot your burdens is, first to lay them before the Lord, and then to get occupied with others problems (because being freed of your burden, you can help others easily, share their burdens and lay it before the Lord like yours, etc.). I'm happy to see your concern for your friends. Only the Gospel can change their lifes.
I wish you the best,
tamtam

 

[IKTCA]

Sister P:

Let us not forget that our labor to stand up against the enemy in the name of Jesus will bring a reward.

...in the Lord your labor is not in vain (1 Cor 15:58)

 

[phoenix_kid82]

Thanx brothers and sisters.

I'm doing okay today. But sometimes, bad news about ppl from my old life gets me down, and it's tempting to join the vultures, but Jesus said "let the dead bury their own dead, and come, follow me". There's no life there, and nothing will come of it.

But thanx so much to everyone for your thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement. I'm still being good, I just need to seriously turn to God for when i'm confused and in need of comfort.

 

[IKTCA]

It is good to know that you are doing well in submission to the Lord by keeping his words. Remembering you in prayer brings much joy and comfort. Thank you, Sister P.
Rupert